SportsFan15

I just had a revelation that perhaps my addictive voice is sabotaging my efforts for healthy behavior, not just encouraging drinking/negative behaviors.

For example, I have had a mental barrier to exercising (something I used to love). For a few years I couldn't put my finger on why I'd talk myself out of exercising when I clearly WANT TO exercise.

Especially wanting input from those whours have experienced this and overcome it: can your addictive voice talk you out of GOOD behaviors?

Maybe this is so simple to those with more sobriety, but this is something I really need to understand!

least

I haven't noticed this myself. But then, I'm six years sober and the voice is just a faint whisper now.

ScottFromWI

It's certainly possible. Also consider that you may have underlying conditions ( depression, anxiety, etc ) that are now coming to the forefront as well.

Regardless of where the feelings come from, having a healthy plan to live your life is the most important step. If you feel your AV is the source you may want to concentrate on a more rigorous/routine sobriety plan that helps with your daily motivation. If you feel it's more rooted in psychological matters, you might want to consider counseling or self help in that area ( books, readings, videos, etc ).

Anna

Yes, for me, it did. I'm much more mindful now. But, back in the day, my 'good' behaviour in any aspect of my life, made me anxious and I would mess it up. I was only semi-aware of what I was doing at the time, but my fear of success, in any area of my life, was huge.

These words by Marianne Williamson changed my life:

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

doggonecarl

I am fine saying my addiction has two parts : me and the addictive voice, which is any thinking, imagery, or feeling that supports any use of alcohol.

But when it come to other bad behavior (or failure to engage in good behavior), that's on me.

FreeOwl

Definitely.

Even just this morning. I struggled to get myself out the door for my 7 mile run. I frequently do. I offer excuses. I rationalize how I could do it later. I hear my inner voice say "but I'm tired"... "It's really cold".... "we can go later".

Even though I'm 2 years sober, there is a part of me hell-bent on talking me OUT of doing things that I know I will love. By mile 2 I am always enthused, energized, happy and free when running.... but getting out that door can be a journey of a thousand miles in itself.

I recognize this as the side of me that is prone to depression... I recognize this voice as the same voice that often convinced me to drink. I no longer drink and that voice very seldom tries to get me back to alcohol - yet I believe it's another facet of the same voice that remains and tries to derail my plans to run, for the gym, to go surfing or skiing or to organize the basement or work on a project. That procrastinating voice that tries to get me to forego things that I want or need to do.... For me, the Addictive Voice and the Depressive Voice are one and the same Voice.

Through not drinking, the steps, this place, therapy, exercise, meditation, effort, change, and repetition.... I have improved it. I overcome the voice more often than I don't. But, I'm not sure it'll ever go away. So rather than hope it WILL, instead I try to be aware of it, to notice it, to talk to it, to CHOOSE not to be driven by it. And that seems to work.

My seven mile run was pretty glorious, and I'm still charged up from it.

InTheEnd

Yes! My AV seems to have quieted down about drinking.....but I still have moments when my thoughts are just like when I was drinking. All the negative flows in, the thoughts like "You're not worth it so why bother" etc. It's like it tries to talk me out of anything possible.

It's getting easier to ignore but when it happens, I just do it anyway. In the morning when I run, if the negative thoughts come in, I get up anyway and go. I reason with myself and say "Just walk then" Once I'm out there, I start to run. Same with the gym, when it starts up there, I just go, thinking "Just lift something, even if it's not as productive as you want, you'll feel better" And I go, and when I'm there.....all is fine....even very enjoyable.

For me, this is my alcoholic mind speaking. I've thought so bad of myself for so long, that it's hard to shake, even sober. Many years of hating myself took a toll on my thought process - getting passed has proven harder than quitting drinking for me.

But I find, if I just follow through on what I want to do, not what my confused mind is trying to talk me out of, I'm much better off. So far, not once has that voice been right.

JUST DO IT!

PurpleKnight

My addiction definitely lead to a lot unhealthy behaviours when it came to things like my diet, exercise, health, social isolation.

Sobriety turned all that around, I could focus on looking after myself and being healthy once again!!

SportsFan15

Thank you all for helping me understand...

Anna, that quote is one of my favs and helps so much. I understand what you mean about fear of success.

FreeOwl and InTheEnd: Yes!!!! You have experienced this same negative, self sabotaging voice.

Call it either the AV or a depressive/negative voice....either one....it's the voice that holds me down if i let it.

you all have helped me so much....this may not sound like a big deal....but for my recovery, this is HUGE!!!

Trying to clarify a little more....I know I have depression/anxiety as well as alcoholism BUT, prior to the onset of alcoholism approximately 10 years ago when u began drinking, I never experienced a negative internal voice or self sabotaging thinking or whatever we would like to call it.

This is hard for me to explain....especially because it's so emotionally freeing to finally understand this!!! Maybe the best way to say it is:

I'm just realizing how deeply infectious and horrible alcohol/alcoholism is for me and how grateful I am for recovery.

So glad to be free! And mindful not to "go along" with this Voice.

least

The longer you're sober, the fainter that voice becomes.

SportsFan15

This makes me so excited and encouraged, Least!! Thank you for the extra rays of sunshine.

💓💓💓

dcg

I'm not completely sold on it. Most people with no substance abuse issues at all talk themselves out of exercising. Next week there will be tens of thousands of new gym memberships for the year and by March there will only be a fraction still going to the gym.

However, the mental disposition that can lead one to being self-destructive with substances in the first place, I could see as being too depressed or apathetic to exercise, but that doesn't seem like an AV thing to me. I was running 50 miles a week and lifting 4 hours a week when I was deep into boozing. If anything, it masked my drinking problem quite a bit.

Dharma33

Thanks for a great thread everyone and for posting your thoughts on this, SF.

This is truly interesting; I too have issues starting up good habits or taking the plunge on a responsibility that would "put me out there".

So could it be said, that a fear of success is a trait of an addictive personality?

immri

hmm this is all so interesting, i have the same thing and I just refer to it as my 'self destructive side'
I definitely self sabotage and I don't think it's the same as just feeling to lazy or apathetic to exercise, because I get it for things I even truly enjoy and don't require too much effort. it's almost as if anything I think will help me or be positive in my life, I tend to sabotage it or procrastinate an unreasonable amount.
I've struggled with depression and anxiety too, but like you this 'voice' wasn't much of an issue until after my drinking.

thanks for this thread, it's really made me think!!

Dee74

I spent many decades locked in self destructive patterns, so being good to myself and caring towards myself can, sometimes, still feel weird.

I'm not sure what that is, or if it has or needs a name, but I know I have to work against it

D

MidnightBlue

Yes, SportsFan.

I see my addictive voice as part of the complex destructive software deeply wired in me.

When I decided to quite sugar 2.5 years ago I had a bloody battle with AV. AV is against anything good in my life , because anything good strengthens me, while the opposite scores for AV.

It was incredible how deep roots of the AV proved to go. I believe I hit the real source just now.

SportsFan15

I like your additional question...

I know this for sure, fear of success is involved in self-sabotage/self-destructive tendencies. Definitely linked! There's something about the freedom of succeeding that is an aversion for us.

But like many on here have advised, we have to push through that fear!

SportsFan15

^^^^^THIS is what my initial post meant to say.

MNB, I HAVE to label anything that leads me down the path of destruction as my AV. Because it's the voice that starts small....it hacks away at things in life other than alcohol...and ends in full blown relapse.

SportsFan15

As dcg, I also was a gym regular during my hardcore drinking days.

I was quite athletic, great body, fit. Motivation to workout was no problem.

At that point I was giving the addiction what it wanted by drinking. The whole thing is still blowing my mind.

keeppushing

My therapist calls it my "inner critic." For me it is separate from my addictive voice as I have been able to quiet the critic over the years but I remain stuck a slave to the AV.

KP