I saw this coming, but now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
I saw this coming, but now what?
It's been awhile since I posted. My AH had his DWI in Jan, lost his job and took 5 months to get a new one. During his unemployment he was really working his program. I saw changes. Then the last month or so, about the time he got the breathalyzer off his car for good behavior, I noticed a change. Things slowly going back to the way they were when he was drinking. I would ask and he would give me excuses, so I would let it go.
Then last week I opened a drawer to his dresser and found an empty Gatorade bottle that smelled like vodka. It was in a draw we barely used so I convinced myself I must have just missed it last year when I cleaned things out.
Then Saturday I was putting coats away in a closet and he jumped off the couch and asked what I was doing. I reminded him I had friends coming Sunday and need room for coats. He said he would take care of his. But I felt the weight in his coat and saw the Gatorade bottle with the clear liquid and knew. I didn't let on. He took that coat to the basement, then later I saw the bottle sticking out a coat he wore to the garage. Then later it disappeared. My Dd8 had a friend over so I did not bring it up.I tried to go about my day as normal, but AH would ask if I was ok and I would tell him I just had a lot to do.
Then yesterday afternoon he got upset that I didn't start dinner yet. I had friends coming over at 4 for a cookie exchange and still had stuff to do for that. It wad 3:30. Well he stormed to our room saying something about my attitude. I followed and asked him what his problem was. He said it was my attitude this weekend. So I let it out and asked about the Gatorade bottle that disappeared. He said he had no clue what I was talking about. I asked if he has been drinking. His reponse, not today. I could read between the lines. I told him something along the lines about noticing he is heading for a relapse, if he hasn't already, and worried what that means for me and the kids. I told him that I have been praying for him to get back on track with his program. He mumbled something about, yeah keep praying and I left to go finish preparing for my guests.
We barely spoke the rest of the day. Now I just need to figure out what to do next for me and the kids. Thanks for letting me vent.
Then last week I opened a drawer to his dresser and found an empty Gatorade bottle that smelled like vodka. It was in a draw we barely used so I convinced myself I must have just missed it last year when I cleaned things out.
Then Saturday I was putting coats away in a closet and he jumped off the couch and asked what I was doing. I reminded him I had friends coming Sunday and need room for coats. He said he would take care of his. But I felt the weight in his coat and saw the Gatorade bottle with the clear liquid and knew. I didn't let on. He took that coat to the basement, then later I saw the bottle sticking out a coat he wore to the garage. Then later it disappeared. My Dd8 had a friend over so I did not bring it up.I tried to go about my day as normal, but AH would ask if I was ok and I would tell him I just had a lot to do.
Then yesterday afternoon he got upset that I didn't start dinner yet. I had friends coming over at 4 for a cookie exchange and still had stuff to do for that. It wad 3:30. Well he stormed to our room saying something about my attitude. I followed and asked him what his problem was. He said it was my attitude this weekend. So I let it out and asked about the Gatorade bottle that disappeared. He said he had no clue what I was talking about. I asked if he has been drinking. His reponse, not today. I could read between the lines. I told him something along the lines about noticing he is heading for a relapse, if he hasn't already, and worried what that means for me and the kids. I told him that I have been praying for him to get back on track with his program. He mumbled something about, yeah keep praying and I left to go finish preparing for my guests.
We barely spoke the rest of the day. Now I just need to figure out what to do next for me and the kids. Thanks for letting me vent.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
I'm sorry this happened Kids, but you already told him what would happen if he drank back in January:
"AH is staying with us for now, which was my idea. May sound weird but it was something I was willing to try before the DWI and I just didn't talk to AH about it before I went away. He understands that if he starts drinking again that he is OUT, not just losing my support in any way, but also his parents. The kids are happy to have him back home and so am I. It has already been nice having help with the house, the kids, shoveling, garbage, etc. Just going to take it a day at a time and appreciate the good days while we have them. "
It seems to me he needs to be moving.
He's lying about what you saw, and he's already in relapse.
You know what you need to do, and understandably, it's upsetting to take the first step.
I'm sorry he didn't stay sober for himself and all of you--
"AH is staying with us for now, which was my idea. May sound weird but it was something I was willing to try before the DWI and I just didn't talk to AH about it before I went away. He understands that if he starts drinking again that he is OUT, not just losing my support in any way, but also his parents. The kids are happy to have him back home and so am I. It has already been nice having help with the house, the kids, shoveling, garbage, etc. Just going to take it a day at a time and appreciate the good days while we have them. "
It seems to me he needs to be moving.
He's lying about what you saw, and he's already in relapse.
You know what you need to do, and understandably, it's upsetting to take the first step.
I'm sorry he didn't stay sober for himself and all of you--
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
He's not heading for a relapse. He relapsed. You know it. Stop lying to yourself. I used to lie to myself too. As I've shared in many posts, it's not their lies you need to worry about-- as long as they are drinking they are lying. It's your lies to yourself that are more problematic than anything else.
I'm sorry this is happening in your life. Love yourself by being honest with yourself. At least, that way, you've cut the lies in half.
Take care,
Cyranaok
I'm sorry this is happening in your life. Love yourself by being honest with yourself. At least, that way, you've cut the lies in half.
Take care,
Cyranaok
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kids......he has the disease of alcoholism......he will not be able to embrace recovery until he wants to do it for himself......
Who knows when that will be.....?
The question is...what are you going to do.....? You can't control him.....
dandylion
Who knows when that will be.....?
The question is...what are you going to do.....? You can't control him.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hey Kids-
Why don't you give yourself and your children an early Christmas present and send this guy packing.
He is lying, he knows it and you know it. Of course he's going to get defensive, he's lying!
Do you realize the situation you are being put in by him now being able to drive while drinking? Not sure where you are but here in Florida You would stand to lose EVERYTHING You have worked years to obtain by being sued if there was an accident. EVERYTHING! Nope! Not worth it.
I hope you you can find clarity soon .......
Ro
Why don't you give yourself and your children an early Christmas present and send this guy packing.
He is lying, he knows it and you know it. Of course he's going to get defensive, he's lying!
Do you realize the situation you are being put in by him now being able to drive while drinking? Not sure where you are but here in Florida You would stand to lose EVERYTHING You have worked years to obtain by being sued if there was an accident. EVERYTHING! Nope! Not worth it.
I hope you you can find clarity soon .......
Ro
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kids.....I think the first thing for you to do is to get support set up for y ourself......
Have you ever gone to alanon?
You could also discuss your situation with an alcoholism counselor....preferably, one who is a long recovering alcoholic......
If you make a boundary...it is up to you to enforce it.....never say it if y ou aren't able or willing to follow through,,,,,
dandylion
Have you ever gone to alanon?
You could also discuss your situation with an alcoholism counselor....preferably, one who is a long recovering alcoholic......
If you make a boundary...it is up to you to enforce it.....never say it if y ou aren't able or willing to follow through,,,,,
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It just stinks, especially around the holidays. No getting around that. The thing is, it's quite normal for the holidays to be a huge trigger for alcoholics. So there is that.
My XAH spiraled out of control the last holiday we were together. I made the choice to stay w/him until after the holiday, but that was a mistake for me. I should have just bit the bullet and kicked him out. I cannot turn back the clock though.
Here is the thing. They are like naughty children. Once they see you don't walk the walk that goes with the talk, they will take advantage of it 100%. Sad but true. So you need to make decisions based on what YOU want and need, and then decide how to achieve those goals. I second, alanon or a support group, in addition to counseling, would likely be a huge relief for you right now.
Tight hugs.
My XAH spiraled out of control the last holiday we were together. I made the choice to stay w/him until after the holiday, but that was a mistake for me. I should have just bit the bullet and kicked him out. I cannot turn back the clock though.
Here is the thing. They are like naughty children. Once they see you don't walk the walk that goes with the talk, they will take advantage of it 100%. Sad but true. So you need to make decisions based on what YOU want and need, and then decide how to achieve those goals. I second, alanon or a support group, in addition to counseling, would likely be a huge relief for you right now.
Tight hugs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
im a recovering alcoholic and have a different opinion on relapse.
hes not in relapse. that stopped when he started drinking. the relapse was relapsing into old behaviors/actions that led up to the drink. now in active alcoholism he is rationalizing("not today") and blaming(hes upset because you didnt start dinner), and trying to hide the liquor, which hes not doing a very good job at.
i think ya already know what to do about it.
hes not in relapse. that stopped when he started drinking. the relapse was relapsing into old behaviors/actions that led up to the drink. now in active alcoholism he is rationalizing("not today") and blaming(hes upset because you didnt start dinner), and trying to hide the liquor, which hes not doing a very good job at.
i think ya already know what to do about it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
One time my husband was so drunk he couldn't articulate words, holding a drink, and swore up and down he hadn't been drinking. Even after I tasted it.
So the deal is you can spend a couple of weeks playing cat and mouse (because he will "really" start hiding it for a bit now", or you can enforce your boundary. Like a common rodent he will crawl back deep into the hole of denial far, far away from your prying eyes. Meantime I am sure you will be told repeatedly you are crazy.
Where are you with all this? Are you prepared to end the marriage? I read through your thread and its clear your hope has always been that he would get sober and you could repair the marriage. You let him move back in after he got a DWI.
Did you verbalize to him that he would have to move if he drank again?
What are you doing for yourself in this process? Have you been attending Al- Anon or seeing a therapist?
So the deal is you can spend a couple of weeks playing cat and mouse (because he will "really" start hiding it for a bit now", or you can enforce your boundary. Like a common rodent he will crawl back deep into the hole of denial far, far away from your prying eyes. Meantime I am sure you will be told repeatedly you are crazy.
Where are you with all this? Are you prepared to end the marriage? I read through your thread and its clear your hope has always been that he would get sober and you could repair the marriage. You let him move back in after he got a DWI.
Did you verbalize to him that he would have to move if he drank again?
What are you doing for yourself in this process? Have you been attending Al- Anon or seeing a therapist?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
Thanks everyone. I pretty much knew what the responses would be before I posted. It does make it harder with the holidays and DS6 birthday this week, family (both sides) coming for the holiday.
Just not ready to throw in the towel yet, but my hope is not there right now like it was. Finances are a big concern for me if we separated. I can only find part time work right now and would feel better if I had something full time. I have started applying elsewhere so time will tell what is meant to be.
I have been contiplating going back to counseling. How ironic alcohol and drug card right next to my office, so I could do it during my lunch break...
Just not ready to throw in the towel yet, but my hope is not there right now like it was. Finances are a big concern for me if we separated. I can only find part time work right now and would feel better if I had something full time. I have started applying elsewhere so time will tell what is meant to be.
I have been contiplating going back to counseling. How ironic alcohol and drug card right next to my office, so I could do it during my lunch break...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kids.....
Yes.....counseling is a good idea.....the person/persons should be experienced in working in the alcoholism field!
Never....ever, again, make a boundary that you can't/won't enforce when push comes to shove.....
He is learning (you are teaching him) that you don't really mean what you say.
Perhaps it is time to ramp up the search for full time work---full steam!
Consult a lawyer so that you know your rights and have a good financial picture in the back of your mind.....
You need more than "hope", right now.....Hope is not a plan!
dandylion
Yes.....counseling is a good idea.....the person/persons should be experienced in working in the alcoholism field!
Never....ever, again, make a boundary that you can't/won't enforce when push comes to shove.....
He is learning (you are teaching him) that you don't really mean what you say.
Perhaps it is time to ramp up the search for full time work---full steam!
Consult a lawyer so that you know your rights and have a good financial picture in the back of your mind.....
You need more than "hope", right now.....Hope is not a plan!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
Unfortunately, this part is true:
Never....ever, again, make a boundary that you can't/won't enforce when push comes to shove.....
He is learning (you are teaching him) that you don't really mean what you say.
I allowed this to happen, and boy, did I pay for it down the road.
I'm sorry things are difficult, but if he is in active alcoholism, you may have
to act sooner than you want to.
Please work on a a "quick" Plan B if needed.
He will go underground with hiding the drinking, but unfortunately, the aggressive behavior can't be hidden as easily as gatorade bottles.
Never....ever, again, make a boundary that you can't/won't enforce when push comes to shove.....
He is learning (you are teaching him) that you don't really mean what you say.
I allowed this to happen, and boy, did I pay for it down the road.
I'm sorry things are difficult, but if he is in active alcoholism, you may have
to act sooner than you want to.
Please work on a a "quick" Plan B if needed.
He will go underground with hiding the drinking, but unfortunately, the aggressive behavior can't be hidden as easily as gatorade bottles.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I got support from my family when I had to enforce my boundary of not living with or subjecting my children to active alcoholism. I know it's hard to share things like that. In my case, my ex made it easy because my mom had come for a visit at the same time that he went on his monthly payday bender.
My ex didn't believe I was leaving until after I was gone because I gave so many meaningless ultimatums. Nothing I said to him had any credibility. He got to drink in relative peace while I made myself crazy living on the hope that he would get sober.
My ex didn't believe I was leaving until after I was gone because I gave so many meaningless ultimatums. Nothing I said to him had any credibility. He got to drink in relative peace while I made myself crazy living on the hope that he would get sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
Yes, I need a plan B. I have talked to his mom before about some things I have noticed last month. My family is 5 hrs away, so plan B would have to include my in laws. Just hoping I can wait. My parents arrive tomorrow and will be here til Sunday, so that will help. My mom was more in denial about how things were last yr than my in laws.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When you say "plan B," what do you mean? What do you expect your folks and your in-laws to do? Your own family is 5 hours away, so apart from moral support (and maybe a bit of financial help if they are able to swing it), I'm not sure what they can do. Your in-laws are a wildcard--they may circle the wagons if it looks like you might leave, even if they've previously been supportive. Families do weird things when marriages implode, whatever the circumstances.
I'd make a consult with a lawyer one of your top priorities. You need to have an idea where you stand, financially and otherwise.
One other thing to consider--leaving will be a darned sight easier while he's employed than it would be if he's unemployed. And if he's back to drinking, his days at this job may be numbered.
Glad you are seeking full-time work--even though he's obligated to support the kids (and probably you, for a time, if necessary), you will be much better off not financially dependent on him.
I'd make a consult with a lawyer one of your top priorities. You need to have an idea where you stand, financially and otherwise.
One other thing to consider--leaving will be a darned sight easier while he's employed than it would be if he's unemployed. And if he's back to drinking, his days at this job may be numbered.
Glad you are seeking full-time work--even though he's obligated to support the kids (and probably you, for a time, if necessary), you will be much better off not financially dependent on him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
My ex's mom completely turned on me when I left. I mean to the extent of filing a false police report saying that I attacked her. For all that she seemed to support me when I was staying with my ex, when it came down to it, she took her son's side. I think her plan was to enable him back to being a functioning alcoholic and then help him get custody of our son.
Ironically she didn't file a police report against him when he actually attacked her, though it was the end of her grand plan.
Ironically she didn't file a police report against him when he actually attacked her, though it was the end of her grand plan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
Sad tonight
He was drinking again, but didn't deny it after I confronted him. Actually DD8 noticed the change in him today before I did. She saw in his eyes and heard in his voice that he was tired. Amazing what kids notice.
AH says he just drinks once in awhile, and never when he has to drive but I know from history where this will eventually lead. He showed me texts to his doctor where he told her he is struggling with the cravings and needed a refill on what ever she prescribed to help with the cravings. He says he is trying and doesn't understand why his sponsor, AA, all his friends, etc won't let him just have a beer once in awhile. I remember a similar conversation we had after his first relapse after his first rehab stay.
Just feeling so sad tonight.
AH says he just drinks once in awhile, and never when he has to drive but I know from history where this will eventually lead. He showed me texts to his doctor where he told her he is struggling with the cravings and needed a refill on what ever she prescribed to help with the cravings. He says he is trying and doesn't understand why his sponsor, AA, all his friends, etc won't let him just have a beer once in awhile. I remember a similar conversation we had after his first relapse after his first rehab stay.
Just feeling so sad tonight.
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