RedDog735

It's happening. I find myself overthinking in another relationship. Why am I allowing his daily marijuana smoking affect me? He doesn't act any different, he doesn't seem lifeless or out of touch with reality like my exAbf. I just try to understand why he enjoys to do this everyday. I do realize that it is not my business to try and make sense of the situation. His friends are very EXCESSIVE weed smokers 3-6 times per day. He does it like 1-2 times a day. And I just am finding that it didn't used to effect me and now it's just consuming my mind. He's rolling up a blunt as I type this with his loser friends.

I MUST let go of this anger. Sigh, I was doing so well. I guess this is what happens when you haven't gone to an alanon meeting in a couple weeks....

LexieCat

Maybe along with the anger, you let go of the weed-smoker with the loser friends?

ladyscribbler

Maybe it's time for a relationship hiatus while you figure out why you keep choosing men with substance abuse issues and trying to make it work instead of picking a man whose values are compatible with yours.

dandylion

RED DOG......it IS your business to decide what you want in your life or not!!
It isn't your business of trying to"understand" his motives.....he doesn't even understand his underlying motives (obviously).

You know addiction when you see it...don't you?

You do realize that you may be cutting yourself another big slice of the heartache pie, don't you?

I so agree that more alanon is indicated......

dandylion

Liveitwell

Great advice so far. Remember that YOU are the common thing among your relationships....time to get that figured out! (Just my humble opinion after having been there done that). Peace to you!

SparkleKitty

If he is smoking that much, he is not PRESENT. If you want a partner who is emotionally available, you are not going to get that from this person.

honeypig

Yikes, RedDog--I'm not sure that picking an addict who isn't as far along the curve of addiction as the last one was is going to ultimately find you in a better place...

I would agree w/all those above. Substance abuse is substance abuse, and if it's a progressive problem, then you're eventually going to find yourself right back where you were w/XBF, right?

ladyscribbler

Yep. That was a tough pill for me to swallow.

honeypig

Me too, ls--I have not had a single long-term relationship EVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE that involved a partner who didn't have problems w/alcohol or marijuana. And I played the same role over and over and over, which made me very good at it, doubtless why I managed to make it 20 years w/XAH--I'd really perfected my part by then!

Whenever I get righteous about what he did to me, I remind myself that I had my own part, too.

But if I start to feel too stupid and inadequate b/c of THAT, then I remind myself that I had no role models of or idea about how a healthy relationship looked. I did the only thing I knew how to do.

But now I am learning better.

Thank heavens we have people to reach out to and the ability to give and receive help as we learn.

RedDog735

There is a point he makes when he says "you go to Alanon once a day and I smoke once a day." He truly doesn't act any different.. Idk

RedDog735

I think even in a healthy relationship, I would find something wrong with the person. "Oh you take 20 minute showers, what is wrong with you??" Lol

honeypig

No, that is NOT a point. That is ridiculous. Seriously?

"You go to the gym once a day and I smoke a pack a day of cigarettes."

The two do not equate in ANY WAY.

He has every right to live his life as he chooses. So do you. But to equate 20-minute showers and a substance abuse issue, or Alanon meetings and a substance abuse issue, is simply off-the-charts nuts. If this is what you want in your life, you are an adult and can choose it for yourself. I doubt you're going to find anyone here telling you it's a good idea, though.

LexieCat

People who get high a couple times a day are people who aren't PRESENT in the relationship. You probably have no idea how it affects him--if he's using a couple times a day, all the time, he was that way when you met him.

He also hangs out with "loser friends"--not liking someone's friends is a perfectly valid reason NOT to be in a relationship with them.

I don't understand why you feel it's your job to adjust to a habit of his that you dislike--for whatever reason. If he collected stamps and it bugged you, for whatever reason, move on. Find someone less irritating. Or better yet, take ladyscribbler's advice and take a break from relationships for a while, until you figure out what you really want in a relationship and have a plan to recognize those people who can give you that.

Hawkeye13

He's addicted to pot instead of alcohol and sex like the last one.

If being with another addict progressing in his addiction is not what you want in life,
consider getting out now.

I picked a string of these types too, so I get it.
I was the common factor--I grew up codependent and kept repeating.

maia1234

RD,
It is ok not to like smoking weed every day. They are stoned all the time, it cost money, its a waste of time and so on. I just commented the other day about things I don't miss about my AXH. Hiding the dope smell from my kids was on my list, plus the 500 to 1000 dollars a month to cover his addictions is another. Currently in my state recreational dope is illegal. He can be arrested for possession. You said you hate it, but you justify him doing it. You have a right not to be around it, but you will have to leave, not him.

Hugs my friend, you are not the only one that hates WEED!!

SparkleKitty

Red, you don't have to settle for less than what you want.

Lilro

I think Lexie hit the nail on the head with that one sentence.
If this is something that you do not like, move on....trust your gut on this...

ladyscribbler

In what universe is that a valid comparison? Alanon meetings and 20 minute showers are not psychotropic substances. I grew up with a weed smoking mom. It is progressive. She was a multiple time a day smoker, though quite functional- held down a job, all that stuff. Someone who's high may not be as obviously impaired as someone who's drunk, but they're still not "all there."
How does he act when he runs out of pot or can't get high for some reason? Because my mom used to get pretty nasty. Then she'd get some pot and be all mellow and sweet again.
It was nicer than my dad's drunken rages, but that didn't mean she was sober.

AnvilheadII

Is this November's man of the month with the baby mama?

Branches

"I did the only thing I knew how to do . . . But now I am learning better." I just did the "boyfriend review" in my head and, yep, every one of them liked to drink or smoke weed. A lot. Truthfully, I feel rather stupid about my man-picking ability, but your post helps me put it in perspective.

RedDog, you do not want to be 60 years old like I am and smacking your forehead. Ask yourself why you want a boyfriend who's a stoner/user/drinker when you could have a boyfriend who isn't. They are out there. Other women have them. You can have one. You are good enough. There's not some hidden defect in you that makes you not good enough for a normal BF with normal non-stoner friends. And loving him will not make him change - don't buy into the "Love of a good woman" myth that is pervasive in romance novels. I'm reminded of a line from some reality show, "Lose the zero and get a hero."