sorrysoul

So much for day 2.

I used today and threw it all away. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I wasn't feeling sick, I just let the demon in my head win again, she's in control.

I want to get clean from these pills and the dope but struggle so much with saying 'no' I need to cut people out of my life. I am going to tell the people I get from to not tell me when they have it, don't offer it to me or even mention anything about it because I have no willpower.

I am at a loss, what do I do? I guess that's not an easy answer. I am going to find my notebook so I can write in it, maybe whenever I feel the urge? That notebook will be full in a day. I don't know.. Sorry for rambling I just feel so stupid I wanna kick myself right now.

I'm so sorry to be a bother, I come asking for help and support and turn around and let myself down again. Stupid.

I need to get myself and my shat together. I lost my apartment, my car, my old job that I loved all because I had to get high consequences be damned. I need to get away from my husband I am so sick and tired of being treated like crap and him being mean to me all the time I can't take it anymore but I have no where else to go... And no other way around. Makes me so stressed and depressed and most definitely isn't helping with my struggles.

Again I'm sorry for writing a novel, if you've read this far then I thank you kindly.

KiKi0615

I'm so sorry you are struggling. We have all been there. Don't beat yourself up. You are trying and one of these times it will stick! I am sorry about your husband. That has got to be hard! Have you ever tried any face to face support in addition to SR?

KiKi0615

OH.....and you are NOT stupid. You are addicted. God does NOT make junk. ((Hug))

Wastinglife

I also lost a car, job, and apartment, only to alcohol, so I can relate how addiction takes over your life. I am certain that if I had ever got into opiates, same results would hsve occured.

Sounds like you could use a change of environment or a trip to rehab if possible.

sorrysoul

Aw thank you Kiki, that means a lot right now.
I hope this is the time it sticks. I just needed to vent.

It is very hard, we were apart when I had my apartment but he lured me back with dope. Then I just let it go (my home) instead of catching up on the rent when I closed out my retirement I got even more dope. Like a big dope.

Never had any face to face treatment but a friend of mine helps out with meetings I found out they are Wednesday nights at the library but the next Wednesday I have off is Dec 9th.... Long ways away.

I forgot what else I was going to say. Thanks for listening, or reading I should say, ha.

Ruby2

It's hard to say no in the beginning. It gets easier as you build up armor against the pull but it takes time. It helped me to reach out here and in real life when I would feel urges. Reaching out helped derail the feeling. Post here when you're feeling vulnerable, even if you don't feel like it.

sorrysoul

Wasting - i think you're right about the change of environment, I just have no where to go, and no money for rehab, no insurance.

I am not sure how the suboxone doctors work in my state, if you have to get referred by your PCP or what. But trading one addiction for another kind of makes me uneasy. I've considered buying them off the street.

sorrysoul

It is so hard, Ruby as you all know too well. I think letting people know to leave me alone about it may help. I feel worse physically now that I used than before. A big sign I shouldn't be doing it.

Posting and reading here does help but I need more. I need to stop putting it off and come up with a real plan to stay clean.

Dee74

Hi sorrysoul

I don;t think there many of us here who got recovery right the first time.

I know I underestimated the task a bunch of times...but I kept adding things to my recovery plan...and eventually I got it right.

This is a great link for making a recovery plan

https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf

grizzlybearblue

I know what you mean, sorrysoul. My resolve to not use could be so strong during the day, but as soon as I got a text from one of my dealers saying he had something I liked, I couldn't get to him fast enough. Block their numbers. Delete their numbers. They don't have anything you need, and all they want is your money.

teatreeoil007

Love this thought! I agree...

teatreeoil007

These two thoughts here came out when you were 'rambling'....which, by the way, I don't find that you are rambling on...you are getting some things out that need to be gotten out and amidst it all you have brought these serious issues to light that need to have some light shed on them!

You have recognized that you need to say 'no' to some people or you will never kick this addiction....especially if those people are your link to getting drugs....that is going to take courage....you can do it....I would definitely recommend praying about it and asking for that specifically...God can handle anything....no issue is too great or too small for the Lord. That's what I believe...Many addicts need to get away from friends, family, and co-workers who use, definitely get away from their dealer and stay away. Sometimes that means even changing where they live and/or work...even changing cities and/or states. Adolescents are particularly susceptible to peer pressure, but peer pressure never really goes away as we get older....something to think about.

The other issue is that of an ABUSIVE husband. I am not to tell somebody they should just leave their husband, only you can decide that...but when there is abuse involved I am a little more straightforward. Also, I don't know the EXACT statistics because not all abuse is REPORTED....but--an abusive husband rarely changes for good. They can behave for a time (when they fear something or want something)....but it is usually temporary.

Go ahead and keep rambling. You need to. Being with an abusive partner is very bad for your health, both physical and mental. Well, being in any abusive situation is detrimental....maybe your job that you loved was a good outlet that 'worked' for a time...

teatreeoil007

I don't know if this is true, because I have not personally given it a try, but I believe that Suboxone is an opiate agonist/antagonist....what that means to your brain is that it partially BINDS to opiate receptor sites, but also partially BLOCKS them, So, the thought behind using that drug for withdrawl and recovery temporary maintenance is people do not get the same high as with their regular dope, HOWEVER because it binds to SOME receptor sites, they don't get the bad withdrawals. There is a line of thinking that it's the bad withdrawals that tend to make the addict seek the drug again...maybe not to even get high from it anymore, but to avoid getting 'dope sick'. Hang in there, SS.

sorrysoul

Thank you everyone for your support and words of wisdom, I do appreciate it.
I have already reached out to a couple people to not tell me when they have something or even bring it up to me at all and if you do, buh bye. One more person left to tell. Maybe I should just cut them out anyway to be safe?

I have been researching meetings in my area for the past hour or so, and hotlines. I think I am going to look up councellors/psychiatrists as well. Usually if I can't get my DOC I look for any way possible to get high. Do I hate myself that much? Makes me think I should work on those issues as well. I have been scared to tell my doctor anything about my 'problems' but have been thinking about it, not sure what they can do for me though. I do need to find a new one actually as mine left the practice. More researching. I don't have any insurance right now which will put off these things.

Thank you teatree for the info on suboxone. At first I was very against it as I didn't want to trade one addiction for another, but the one time I tried it for a few days it did wonders for my mind, I didn't even think about it. But again it makes me uneasy. If I'm going to get clean, I want to be clean! If that makes sense.

I saw a commercial with a pill bottle that made me think, hmm I wonder if my MIL left hers out to steal (nice thought huh?) but quickly re directed my mind to something more positive - researching addiction resources, and that was the end of it.

Again thank you all so much.

sorrysoul

And thank you Dee for the link! Lots of great information!!

Dee74

I think it's common sense to suggest buying off the street is rife with potential dangers...it's not only illegal of course but you could never be sure what you're getting.

This is a national database of buprenorphine dispensing doctors.

Buprenorphine Treatment Physician Locator | SAMHSA

I hope that will help.

D

teatreeoil007

I want to reiterate that you in no way seem stupid. But, I totally understand what it's like to feel that way...

teatreeoil007

You're very welcome, SS.

I am not against the use of Suboxone, but it's an individual choice and I totally get it when addicts do not wish to sub one addiction for another. That can happen all too easy, for sure.

I am, however against buying Suboxone off the street. Take good care of yourself, you're worth it!

sorrysoul

Yeah.. Buying off the street isn't a good idea. I want to get away from the whole drug dealing bull, looking for it, waiting around, being led on and ignored all the typical games they play.
Thank you again for the link Dee! I am going to look it over and think on the whole suboxone thing. Maybe use it as a last resort.
Not knowing what I'm getting... That used to be enough to keep me away from the dope, yet slowly but surely and there I was-not caring because hey I could get higher for cheaper, tempting death even more.

Thank you all again, I'm feeling better about this. I can do this, I can.

Dee74

No worries sorrysoul - I have no experience to share in this context, so I'm not trying to direct you any particular way - just thought it might be useful if you do decide to go that route

D