Haven't heard from boyfriend in rehab
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Haven't heard from boyfriend in rehab
Help. My boyfriend entered rehab I guess 3 weeks ago yesterday.. He was calling me everyday sometimes multiple times a day. And then he just stopped calling. It's Saturday and I haven't heard from him since Monday with no warning. Everything was fine. So I guess almost a week now. And he gets out next Friday. I'm so confused. Is this part of the treatment? They just go MIA with no warning? I know I sound like I'm being ridiculous and needy but we are in a long distance relationship ship as it is. And the only means of communication is the phone. I'm used to being able to talk to him whenever I want to. I understand he has to get better and it's important for our future. But I need him too and I feel like I've been abandoned. So I'm just having a tough time with this whole thing. I feel like I'm the one in need of rehab, honestly. I'm depressed over this and my anxiety level is off the charts. I got reared ended 2 weeks ago and seriously had a panic attack from it and passed out. Who does that?! Please someone just give me some insight as to what goes on in rehab and why he might not be calling me. Is this normal? Are there reasons they don't let them talk? I just need any positive feedback that might help me understand what's going on and give me hope that he's not done with me. Thank you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
None of us here could possibly tell you what is going on with your boyfriend in rehab, but addicts in recovery are typically fighting just to get through each minute of each hour of each day. They need to be selfish in order to recover. It may not be reasonable for you to expect the same level of engagement with him that you are used to. He will need to focus primarily on his own needs and will not likely be capable of meeting anyone else's for a good long time. Now is a good time for you to focus on yourself as well.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
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Hi Eheuer, and welcome to the forum.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. There's always a lot of insecurity in our lives when we're in love with an addict, and I wonder if his not contacting you has somehow brought that insecurity to the surface.
It sounds like you want someone to tell you that it's normal to go off the radar while in rehab. I don't know. I suspect different rehabs handle it differently.
This quote concerns me. Is it possible that you may be a bit too attached to your boyfriend? He's very sick right now, and it sounds like he's made the hard choice to get healthy. That's going to take 100% of his energy for the foreseeable future.
Maybe, while he's working on himself, this would be a good time for you to work on yourself as well. Educate yourself on addiction. Read some of the stickies at the top of the Family and Friends forum page. Read some of the posts on the Alcoholics forum page as well. Check out an Alanon meeting in your local area. And of course, keep reading and posting here.
((((((( hugs ))))))
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. There's always a lot of insecurity in our lives when we're in love with an addict, and I wonder if his not contacting you has somehow brought that insecurity to the surface.
It sounds like you want someone to tell you that it's normal to go off the radar while in rehab. I don't know. I suspect different rehabs handle it differently.
But I need him too and I feel like I've been abandoned.
Maybe, while he's working on himself, this would be a good time for you to work on yourself as well. Educate yourself on addiction. Read some of the stickies at the top of the Family and Friends forum page. Read some of the posts on the Alcoholics forum page as well. Check out an Alanon meeting in your local area. And of course, keep reading and posting here.
((((((( hugs ))))))
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Rehabs are run differently and have different programs and adherences. I can't tell you how his runs, but I can give you some insight based on a family member recently being in rehab. Their days are packed full, and it's physically and emotionally exhausting. She described it as going through the motions until something broke through and clicked (lots of repetition with meetings, "homework," etc., basically to get them back on a normal schedule with rules and boundaries since this didn't really exist while allowing addiction to lead the way). She was stripping some pretty deep layers of herself down and it was still pretty difficult for her to communicate it, so she simply didn't communicate with people outside of rehab for a bit.
There could be many reasons why, but he's in rehab working on his recovery. This is great news for you because now you can devote your time, energy and attention where it needs to be - yourself. Getting back to taking care of you, first and foremost, before lending help to others. That's a hard habit to get back into, after being the partner of an alcoholic. No matter what, being in a relationship affects you as the partner, and you have some recovery to go through yourself.
Even when out of rehab he's going to need a lot of time for himself, and will need to devote his time and energy to him. This is what you need to. It's time to start paying attention to your needs, your health, your wellness - by whatever means are best for you. There's a lot of info on this board at the top part to help get to that point, and a lot of good advice and threads by others that can be of great help as well.
There could be many reasons why, but he's in rehab working on his recovery. This is great news for you because now you can devote your time, energy and attention where it needs to be - yourself. Getting back to taking care of you, first and foremost, before lending help to others. That's a hard habit to get back into, after being the partner of an alcoholic. No matter what, being in a relationship affects you as the partner, and you have some recovery to go through yourself.
Even when out of rehab he's going to need a lot of time for himself, and will need to devote his time and energy to him. This is what you need to. It's time to start paying attention to your needs, your health, your wellness - by whatever means are best for you. There's a lot of info on this board at the top part to help get to that point, and a lot of good advice and threads by others that can be of great help as well.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Eheuer........I just want to say that I understand how this must be very concerning for you......since it is a sharp contrast from the usual pattern.
I have absolutely NO idea of why he might not call. Perhaps the staff have suggested that he focus more on himself .......that does happen, sometimes.
In early recovery, it is not unusual for a person to become very confused about their own feelings........
Who knows?
He will be out in a few more days.....hopefully, you and he can discuss the matter, at some point.
Like teatreeoil said...rehab and early recovery can be a verrry intense time for both the addict and their loved ones.
He has a lot of support for himself......and, will have support when he gets out...if he reaches for recovery and uses the help.....
I hope that you have...or will get support for yourself....because this is just as hard on the loved ones as it is for the addict, for sure!
I hope that you hang around...because, you can get support here, also....
Lots of others have been in your same shoes.......
dandylion
I have absolutely NO idea of why he might not call. Perhaps the staff have suggested that he focus more on himself .......that does happen, sometimes.
In early recovery, it is not unusual for a person to become very confused about their own feelings........
Who knows?
He will be out in a few more days.....hopefully, you and he can discuss the matter, at some point.
Like teatreeoil said...rehab and early recovery can be a verrry intense time for both the addict and their loved ones.
He has a lot of support for himself......and, will have support when he gets out...if he reaches for recovery and uses the help.....
I hope that you have...or will get support for yourself....because this is just as hard on the loved ones as it is for the addict, for sure!
I hope that you hang around...because, you can get support here, also....
Lots of others have been in your same shoes.......
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
None of us here could possibly tell you what is going on with your boyfriend in rehab, but addicts in recovery are typically fighting just to get through each minute of each hour of each day. They need to be selfish in order to recover. It may not be reasonable for you to expect the same level of engagement with him that you are used to. He will need to focus primarily on his own needs and will not likely be capable of meeting anyone else's for a good long time. Now is a good time for you to focus on yourself as well.
Can be very hard on the ones who are waiting.
Such a long road for all involved.
As said above,
Now is a good time for you to focus on yourself as well.
MB
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