NightmaresOnWax

Some of you may remember me from 8-10 months ago. I had quit drinking for maybe 3-4 months. Well I screwed everything up like always...

My girlfriend had left town for a few weeks and there was some leftover alcohol in my house. I told myself "I'll just finish this off while she is gone. It won't hurt anything"
Well, I didn't even finish it all while she was gone. I thought I had control of it by limiting it, but then I found myself sneaking the rest of it in behind her back. While she wasn't home, in the garage while she showered, ect...

Once I ran out, I started buying beer from the store and drinking that while I waited on her to get home at night. This kept up until I had an entire yard bag full of beer cans.
At that point I decided to buy a large sailboat. Something to keep me busy so I could cut down on drinking, right? Well, since I was away from home while working on the boat I could get as drunk as I wanted to, right? And so I did. She caught me a few times when I came home slurring and I finally admitted it to her.
She said it was fine as long as I didn't get carried away with it...but I did and now I am back to getting drunk or heavily buzzed almost every night of the week

I think the hardest part for me was the boredom. EVERYTHING seems like it involves drinking and my girlfriend just doesn't get that I can't "just have a few once in a while" and be okay. She just doesn't get it.

SO it's friday night what are we supposed to do? Go to her friends house? They're all drinking.

Go to a bar? I tried that and honestly was okay just playing pool and drinking water...but everyone acts like you're completely insane for being at a bar and not drinking. This is where she would really start in with the "why don't you just have a beer or two"

Bowling? that's pretty much a bar on Fridays.

Go to a concert? Yeah that's worse than the bar.

Invite someone over? To do what? Stare at the wall? They all want to drink! It seems almost impossible to find people whose entire social life doesn't involve drinking in some form.

I really want to stop again because I worry about my health and it id destroying my relationship...but how am I supposed to deal with the boredom? Everything that doesn't involve drinking just doesn't seem to appeal to me.
Life without drinking almost just doesn't seem worth it. Those 3-4 months when I had quit were some of the most boring times of my life. I would literally go home from work and stare at the wall for hours some days.
I also gained almost all my 80lbs I had lost back during that time because we would go out to eat a lot, or I would eat simply because there was nothing else to do.

FreeOwl

Try a gym... crossfit or something

Explore a martial art

Sign up for music lessons.... learn to play a guitar

Take art classes

Look into sober clubs or groups in your area

Go for walks / runs / bike rides

Take up photography

Look into a writing group or a reading group

Learn to ski

There are a million things to do in the world that don't involve drinking. You may be feeling 'bored' because you have yet to decide you're really going to embrace, explore and experience them.

I do understand how it feels to look around you and find that it seems 'everyone' is only interested in drinking. I still have that feeling sometimes. But I've gone almost two years without drinking and I know that I can keep on going forever in this life because there are so many other / more memorable / fun / rewarding / exciting ways to spend my limited breaths.

Make a list of anything that comes to mind. Anything and everything that seems even remotely interesting to you that might NOT involve drinking, then start trying those things. That's how you will find new ways to live your life and that's also where you'll find other people who don't make drinking their number one priority.

Carver

I thought the same as you.

Sobriety is not boring, it's awesome

There are literally thousands of things you can do. To me it sounds like your AV is winning. Don't let it happen!

doggonecarl

If that's your mindset, no wonder you were miserable sober. That's different from boredom. It sounds like dissatisfaction with the sober life. If you are unhappy not drinking, all the activities in the world aren't going to change that.

Sounds like a solid program of recovery is needed. What's keeping you from trying that?

NightmaresOnWax

I think you may be right. My inner voice can be and is VERY negative.
In fact it did seem like I was starting to do some positive things in my life and my inner voice just couldn't have that. I had been going to therapy and I had deemed that a "waste of time and money". I was starting to think about continuing my education, but then I would think "you already have a good job. What's the point? It's too late", ect... until eventually the voice turned to "you quit drinking and still have the same problems. Your relationship hasn't really improved, you've lost all your friends who drink, there's nothing else to do...what's the point"

So at this point I am trying to decide for sure if I really want to take another shot at this with a half attempt, only to fail again, or maybe this time I can get a solid plan together ahead of time. I need to figure out a solution to these problems before they come up again.
I think Freeowl may be on the right track. I need to figure out some things to get involved in ahead of time and also maybe meet some people.

I might check meetup.com and see if they have any groups for sober activities.

ScottFromWI

That's because as alcoholics we seek people who's lives revolve around drinking. The facts are that the majority of the population either drinks sparingly or not at all.

The hardest part about sobriety is change for most. You will need to find different things to do and most likely different people to do those things with. And quite honestly we also confuse "things to do" with drinking. Drinking is a "thing we do" as alcoholics no matter what else we happen to be doing at the time. For me , if I was awake and not at work I drank - ALL THE TIME. It didn't matter if I was at a church picnic, in my back yard, in my basement, at my parents house, camping, biking, fishing, reading, you name it - I DRANK. Because I am an alcoholic.

midgetcop

I agree with a solid recovery plan, but now is also a great time to explore new activities and hobbies that you DON'T associate with alcohol.

There will come a time when you can go back to old 'drinking' hobbies with a sober mind and learn to enjoy them again. But early in recovery it's best to avoid them altogether, because they'll act as a trigger.

For me, I tried martial arts and I LOVE it. Definitely not a drinking activity.

Fly N Buy

Contempt prior to investigation kept me intoxicated for many, many years. I ruled out people, ideas and programs of recovery before I even tried. Glad my head has come part ways out of my arse, today!

Glad you're here - thanks for the post. Many of us felt as you do....
keep coming back

NightmaresOnWax

What do you mean like AA or something? I dunno, I'm not religious at all and I know people will say I don't have to be, but I just don't feel right going to a place where the core of what they teach revolves around religion. I will never be able to get past...what is it, step #2? It just seems like I would be set up to fail at that program from the get go.

The therapist was telling me I don't enjoy things because I have a form of mild depression. He referred me to a psychologist since he can't write prescriptions and I never went. That was when I quit going to therapy.
I didn't trust it. He just seemed too quick to get me hooked on meds where I will need to keep coming back and paying him.
I don't want to be on some ball and chain of going to weekly sessions and paying all that money(out of pocket) without the option to leave since I am hooked on meds.
I also notice suicidal thoughts are a common side effect of those meds. I have never thought about suicide and REALLY don't want to start, so I am kind of weary about starting meds like that if I don't ABSOLUTELY need them.
Or course maybe I do need them since I obviously couldn't maintain without them

NightmaresOnWax

You know what the really sad part is? Only about 3-4 things that I don't hate doing come to mind. Not even that I REALLY like doing them...just that I can tolerate doing those things. I think I have been an addict for so long that I don't even know what I enjoy anymore.
As a teen I was very active until I started smoking marijuana and drinking. Of course alcohol doesn't mix with sports, so I quit all those in short order.

I really think I just need to get out of this rut where I don't know what I even enjoy doing anymore, but where do I start?

It's like everything I come up with that I MIGHT like, my mind comes up with at least ten negative parts about it that keep me from trying it.

tursiops999

Hi Nightmares --

Regarding your therapist, did you tell the therapist about your drinking? When I was drinking, I was going to therapy and not getting the results I wanted ... because alcohol is a depressant! I was never really honest with my therapist about the level of my drinking, so there wasn't much point to our discussions.

My mood, and my level of interest in life, are so much better sober. In my case, working my sobriety plan has solved my depression issues (everyone's different, and therapy and medications can be important, but for me a good sobriety plan was the key). That negative thinking was very much from the alcohol.

There are many paths to sobriety -- you can read up on this site about the methods people have used. AA may not be for you, but it is actually spiritual, not religious. I have friends in the program who are atheists and find a way to work it just fine.

NightmaresOnWax

I did tell my therapist about my drinking, it was actually one of the main reasons I started going. I did quit drinking shortly after I started going and that's where I was telling him I didn't enjoy anything in life, no matter how "fun" it was supposed to be. I could be going on a vacation to the Bahama's and my mood would be the same way it always is. That's when he told me he wanted to get me on some kind of medication.

I see a lot of people talking about a "recovery plan"...see I think that is where I went wrong last time. I just quit cold turkey. I didn't really think it out or anything, as I often don't with most things in life... I just knew I needed to quit so that's what I did. I kind of took everything as it came from there.
In the end, I made some stupid impulse decision to take one little drink and that was the end of it.
Anyways what I am getting at is how did you get the guidance to come up with your plan?

Also I should have rephrased the AA comment as it is not only that I am not religious, I am not spiritual either. I don't believe in anything. I believe that I am 250lbs of chemical reactions. How could I overcome that when the ultimate goal of AA is to get a sponsor and go through the 12 steps?

ScottFromWI

This is a great thread on that very subject. Sobriety is a way of life, not just "not drinking". And many of us have issues besides our drinking that we also need to work on separately.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

AA may not be for you, but being religious or spiritual is not necessarily a requirement. There are AA groups made up entirely of atheists believe it or not. All that is required to be part of AA is the desire to stop drinking, just like almost every other recovery program out there. SR is a prime example.

soopy99

I was hesitant about going to AA for many of the same reasons, but I recently decided to give it a try. Whether or not I ultimately buy in to the program, I think the meetings have helped/will help. This is because just talking to other alcoholics is beneficial, and going to the meetings keeps my mind on what I'm trying to accomplish.

My prior attempts at quitting all went well until I stopped focusing on the problem at hand. I let my guard down and pretty soon convinced myself that a couple of drinks wouldn't hurt. And it never ended up being just a couple of drinks.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back NightmaresOnWax!!

NightmaresOnWax

I think part of my problem is also coming to grips with the fact that I am an alcoholic. It's like I keep going through this cycle where I decide to quit drinking, because it's destroying my life, then before too long it's "look around you. everyone drinks. All you have to do is control it...a couple drinks this Friday won't hurt"
Then of course a couple turns into 5-6, Friday runs into Saturday, which runs into Sunday(gotta wait until noon when they can sell beer here in TX though)...and in no time I am back to drinking 7 days a week. During the daytime on weekends. Pretty much any time I am not working.
At this point I can't remember when the last time I went a day without drinking was.

I think I want to quit again this Friday, but I need a solid plan. Every time I fail I get closer and closer to just giving up on ever quitting.

A lot of people mention having a "sober plan"...what does that normally consist of? Is there a structure that people use or something?

ScottFromWI

This is an essential thread to read on that very subject.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

littlefish

My first reaction was that you and your gf need to become much better informed about alcoholism! I thought I was an expert on alcoholism because I am an alcoholic, but I knew almost nothing about it.

If she understood that alcoholics can't drink, she wouldn't say "why can't you just drink a little?"

Books, (check the reading lists here), outpatient programs, AA or AA alternative programs, an addictions therapist, can all provide you with a thorough education about what alcoholism is, and isn't.

I understand the problem with trying to start living a sober life. My whole lifestyle revolved around drinking: starting sober living felt like starting
all over with everything. I had been drinking for so long, I simply didn't know how to do a lot of things sober anymore. But it had gotten to the point that I couldn't do a lot of things anymore because I was drunk all the time.

All AA asks us to do is believe in something more powerful than yourself: I have seen a lot of people who are not religious or spiritual use the fellowship of AA as their higher power.

Lots and lots of people have problems with boredom in early sobriety: it is a really common issue. You have made the effort to make life interesting and fun by going to bars and drinking. You can just as well make the effort doing something else, it's a matter of weighing your choices and committing yourself to learn new things and do new things.
Alcoholics drink for different reasons. Some of us use it as a medication because we perceive life in sober focus as unbearably painful. Some cannot endure the anxiety, so it's a drink. Some escape the memories of the past. It is hard to say that if you just pick up some new interests you won't be so bored. You probably need to figure out why you are drinking.

In a program you would be asked to examine that. And, no it probably won't be fun. But a pivotal moment for me came when I understood the progression of the mental process that led up to a drink.
Glad to see you back!

NightmaresOnWax

Well I think I drink for several reasons. You're right it is depressing to the point of being physically painful when I try to think about why I drink.
Mainly to cope with reality. More specifically my negative outlook on reality.
I'll probably never have a relationship with my father or any of my other immediate family more than likely.
I have no friends.
I often feel like my significant other doesn't even really care about me.
In short, I feel alone.

I'm not where I want to be professionally and probably never will be.
I have prior injuries and a chronic autoimmune condition that keeps me from being as physically active as I would like to be.
In general I suffer from depression and anxiety.
With alcohol it's like the only thing I have to worry about is when I will take my next drink. If I can just make it until 4p.m. today when I can swing by and grab a drink, I won't have to worry about anything at least for the rest of the day.


Also it's to forget the past.
I was somewhat neglected growing up and I spent a lot of time stuck at home alone. That seems to be my biggest trigger is when I am just sitting at home alone. If I know I will be home alone for a while it's pretty hard not to drink.(that's what happened last time when I broke my 4 month sobriety)

ScottFromWI

I'm sure you are aware on some level, but alcohol makes every thing you just listed worse. It is not a "coping" mechanism...it is an escape mechanism. All of the problems you try to escape are still there, every single day when you sober up. Many times they are worse because we ignored them while we were drunk.

Our relationships also suffer as a result of our drinking for the same reasons - we withdraw and seek to escape them by getting drunk. But they still exist and the people we are in them with resent us for it.

Alcohol holds us back in our careers because we cannot function as well as we can sober.

And in regards to "helping us forget"...that's a problem, not a solution. We must deal with our past and present instead of shoving it under the rug or postponing it indefinitely.

So the long and short is, many of us had the same "reasons" you list here for our drinking...but what they really represent are EXCUSES to keep drinking that our addiction would have us believe.

Accepting our addiction for what it really is allows us to see this. It's a long road but you can take it if you like - many of us have.