Can I keep my choice to myself(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 12
Can I keep my choice to myself(
Hello. Well Monday I woke up and decided enough is enough. A 4 hour long blackout was my main motivator. I am ashamed it wasn't my wife or kids that made me decide to quit. I haven't really.slept in three days. I'll get a little nap here or there. But I can't get good sound sleep.
But is it a bad idea to not let anyone know that I am choosing to no longer consume alcohol? Tonight is my first night seeking a support group. While I was reading through the threads my wife brings me a beer. I accepted it and opened it then set it down beside me.
My wife doesn't know it but I haven't drank beer in years. I drink ... excuse me... drank vodka. She hated me drinking vodka and thinks that I quit months ago. I used beer to cover up my vodka habit. I'd get a beer, pour most of it out and then put a couple shots in the can. When I needed a refill, I'd make an excuse to go to my work truck, my hiding spot, and pour in a couple more shots. I used to have absolutely no self control with it. When she demanded that I stopped I learned to have self control or "work late" if I didn't.
She seems to have not noticed that I have been stone cold sober the past three evenings. She didn't even notice that on our usual Monday night date night I took her to a restaurant that didn't serve alcohol. That was a first, trust me!
So my choice to not announce that I am giving up the bottle is for a few reasons. If I tell my wife that I am quitting she will get upset. She will feel that I am forcing her to give it up as well. So she will either resent me for it, yeah she is an alcoholic too but "she doesn't have a problem" and don't you dare try and tell her otherwise, or she will guilt trip me into bending my rules. And my quest for a life not controlled by the bottle will be futile. Also, all of my co-workers drink. If I tell them that I am done drinking it is going to turn into peer pressure alley. I prefer to tell them I am busy this evening, maybe some other time.
This post may be a bit hard to read, it is 4am here and without my vodka.. I mean beer if my wife is reading this... I can't sleep. I am tired as hell but wide awake. And if I don't keep my mind occupied ill start beating myself up and questioning the quality of husband and father I've been to my family. Which I am sure if it had a label it would say made in China. I'm worried about the damage I have caused my children. I am not abusive to them at all. But they have seen their mom and I get into shouting matches that would wake the dead and their dad being escorted out of the house in handcuffs a couple of times.
I almost wanna go get a small bottle to get me to sleep. I won't. I hope. Maybe getting this stuff off my chest will help me get some good rest. Ill let you know tomorrow.
Oh... back to my question. It is okay if I keep my choice to myself right? Is this something I should talk to my wife about. I'd rather just one day her say, "hey, I haven't seen you with a drink in a few weeks". That would be a lot better than hearing, "I thought you were gonna quit?" This weekend...
But is it a bad idea to not let anyone know that I am choosing to no longer consume alcohol? Tonight is my first night seeking a support group. While I was reading through the threads my wife brings me a beer. I accepted it and opened it then set it down beside me.
My wife doesn't know it but I haven't drank beer in years. I drink ... excuse me... drank vodka. She hated me drinking vodka and thinks that I quit months ago. I used beer to cover up my vodka habit. I'd get a beer, pour most of it out and then put a couple shots in the can. When I needed a refill, I'd make an excuse to go to my work truck, my hiding spot, and pour in a couple more shots. I used to have absolutely no self control with it. When she demanded that I stopped I learned to have self control or "work late" if I didn't.
She seems to have not noticed that I have been stone cold sober the past three evenings. She didn't even notice that on our usual Monday night date night I took her to a restaurant that didn't serve alcohol. That was a first, trust me!
So my choice to not announce that I am giving up the bottle is for a few reasons. If I tell my wife that I am quitting she will get upset. She will feel that I am forcing her to give it up as well. So she will either resent me for it, yeah she is an alcoholic too but "she doesn't have a problem" and don't you dare try and tell her otherwise, or she will guilt trip me into bending my rules. And my quest for a life not controlled by the bottle will be futile. Also, all of my co-workers drink. If I tell them that I am done drinking it is going to turn into peer pressure alley. I prefer to tell them I am busy this evening, maybe some other time.
This post may be a bit hard to read, it is 4am here and without my vodka.. I mean beer if my wife is reading this... I can't sleep. I am tired as hell but wide awake. And if I don't keep my mind occupied ill start beating myself up and questioning the quality of husband and father I've been to my family. Which I am sure if it had a label it would say made in China. I'm worried about the damage I have caused my children. I am not abusive to them at all. But they have seen their mom and I get into shouting matches that would wake the dead and their dad being escorted out of the house in handcuffs a couple of times.
I almost wanna go get a small bottle to get me to sleep. I won't. I hope. Maybe getting this stuff off my chest will help me get some good rest. Ill let you know tomorrow.
Oh... back to my question. It is okay if I keep my choice to myself right? Is this something I should talk to my wife about. I'd rather just one day her say, "hey, I haven't seen you with a drink in a few weeks". That would be a lot better than hearing, "I thought you were gonna quit?" This weekend...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
There's no rules DriedShad.
Many folks here have told noone, some of us, like me, told everyone - but then I was a very public drunk.
I probably would not be so open now, only because I think I worried some people unnecessarily.
My wife would have to know tho - she knows everything
D
Many folks here have told noone, some of us, like me, told everyone - but then I was a very public drunk.
I probably would not be so open now, only because I think I worried some people unnecessarily.
My wife would have to know tho - she knows everything
D
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 242
I think it's your choice. If for right now its more comfortable for you not say anything then don't. You will when your ready. Sleep will come soon. Stay focused on you goal to quit. Congratulations on staying sober!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I kept it totally secret for a while...
then I realized that part of why I was doing that was out of a secret desire to NOT be accountable to anyone....
I was leaving myself a loophole.
As I became more fully aware and recognized this, I let certain people know. I don't like to broadly communicate my sobriety or my reasons - but those close to me know, and generally people at work and in my group of friends know I don't drink.
then I realized that part of why I was doing that was out of a secret desire to NOT be accountable to anyone....
I was leaving myself a loophole.
As I became more fully aware and recognized this, I let certain people know. I don't like to broadly communicate my sobriety or my reasons - but those close to me know, and generally people at work and in my group of friends know I don't drink.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
PS - I also found it to be a relief and a lot easier for me when I didn't feel I had to keep it "secret".
These are not judgments of you - just sharing my experience for your consideration and use if it seems to resonate.
These are not judgments of you - just sharing my experience for your consideration and use if it seems to resonate.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Who you tell and who you don't tell is your choice DriedShad. I was very private about who I told.
Don't believe that your wife didn't notice about the restaurant being non-alcoholic and about you not drinking that last few days. I'd guarantee that she did notice and she's waiting to see if it's the "real deal".
I wish you well, sobriety is so worth it.
Don't believe that your wife didn't notice about the restaurant being non-alcoholic and about you not drinking that last few days. I'd guarantee that she did notice and she's waiting to see if it's the "real deal".
I wish you well, sobriety is so worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I agree with the others that you don't have to tell anyone at all if you don't want, but it will be a difficult secret to keep from those closest to you.
If I were you the thing I would focus on is how you are going to handle things with your wife if, more likely when, she does figure what is going on. If she really is going to nag you or not support your decision you need to get a plan in place to stay strong and stand your ground. I think that sooner rather than later you are going to have to start staying away from the beer cans altogether, even just setting it beside you to fake it. As a fellow alcoholic I can assure you that is a disaster waiting to happen.
As an alcoholic yourself you know that no one can make you quit except for yourself. So if she feels threatened by your non drinking you can use that when you speak to her. Explain your personal reasons for wanting to quit and tell her that you know she will not quit until she is ready so you are asking nothing of her and not trying to interfere with her drinking. Maybe once you get (much) further down the line in your sobriety you can be a help and encouragement to her to open her eyes to her own problem and help her get sober if she wants to. But right now your focus needs to be YOU. Managing our own sobriety is plenty hard in the beginning.
Keep posting here as you need to. The more you read and post the better.
I am sorry about the sleep. It will even out if you stick with it. Can you try some relaxing herbal teas in the evening? There are some good ones out there specifically to assist with sleep. I don't think they are going to knock you out for hours, but it may help during the first weeks.
If I were you the thing I would focus on is how you are going to handle things with your wife if, more likely when, she does figure what is going on. If she really is going to nag you or not support your decision you need to get a plan in place to stay strong and stand your ground. I think that sooner rather than later you are going to have to start staying away from the beer cans altogether, even just setting it beside you to fake it. As a fellow alcoholic I can assure you that is a disaster waiting to happen.
As an alcoholic yourself you know that no one can make you quit except for yourself. So if she feels threatened by your non drinking you can use that when you speak to her. Explain your personal reasons for wanting to quit and tell her that you know she will not quit until she is ready so you are asking nothing of her and not trying to interfere with her drinking. Maybe once you get (much) further down the line in your sobriety you can be a help and encouragement to her to open her eyes to her own problem and help her get sober if she wants to. But right now your focus needs to be YOU. Managing our own sobriety is plenty hard in the beginning.
Keep posting here as you need to. The more you read and post the better.
I am sorry about the sleep. It will even out if you stick with it. Can you try some relaxing herbal teas in the evening? There are some good ones out there specifically to assist with sleep. I don't think they are going to knock you out for hours, but it may help during the first weeks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
If your wife hated you drinking vodka, she was obviously concerned about your drinking to some degree, so there is a chance she'll welcome the decision to make a few changes, even if that does mean the whole way to Sobriety.
The wide world is one thing, they don't need to know anything, as far as some of my work colleagues know, I now just don't go to Friday drinks after work anymore, and now always drive to the Xmas get together and birthday celebrations, I just changed things up a bit without any grand announcements.
But when it comes to closer relationships, it depends what's going to be easier for yourself, having a beer set down beside me every evening, or having to keep going to places not serving alcohol, rather than having the conversation after ordering a non alcoholic drink at a nice restaurant that clearly serves alcohol, to me sounds like too energy consuming, I'd rather have the conversation and then be able to concentrate on Sobriety!!
The wide world is one thing, they don't need to know anything, as far as some of my work colleagues know, I now just don't go to Friday drinks after work anymore, and now always drive to the Xmas get together and birthday celebrations, I just changed things up a bit without any grand announcements.
But when it comes to closer relationships, it depends what's going to be easier for yourself, having a beer set down beside me every evening, or having to keep going to places not serving alcohol, rather than having the conversation after ordering a non alcoholic drink at a nice restaurant that clearly serves alcohol, to me sounds like too energy consuming, I'd rather have the conversation and then be able to concentrate on Sobriety!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
In the very beginning of sobriety
is it a good thing to tell everyone that I'm not going to drink ever again?
Have I told ones I know and love this before?
Maybe they are tired of hearing it
being that I proved the statement to be not true so many times?
Maybe this issue is much deeper than I think?
Possibly I had better get a good sober Program in order?
Mountainmanbob
is it a good thing to tell everyone that I'm not going to drink ever again?
Have I told ones I know and love this before?
Maybe they are tired of hearing it
being that I proved the statement to be not true so many times?
Maybe this issue is much deeper than I think?
Possibly I had better get a good sober Program in order?
Mountainmanbob
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: North Ga
Posts: 251
I'm in a similar boat. My wife is a sane drinker- can take it or leave it. She has no clue as to the extent that I was hiding bottles in the garage, sipping on the way home, etc. and I always had a six pack in the fridge where I would have a couple that made it look like I was just drinking beer. I didn't announce or make a big deal out of quitting a week ago where I went 6 days before the game Saturday where I drank (had intended to drink). Wife knew I went all week and was real happy. I told her after the game and drinking Saturday that I was going to "lay off the drinking" and made it to her a more casual thing than the commitment I've made with myself. She does not understand the whole addiction thing or the extent to which I was drinking and I frankly don't want to embarrass myself and shock her with a full disclosure. I have not drank since Saturday, she has been out of town this week and while intend to keep not drinking, she can continue to be proud of me, and when I've gone a couple of weeks and she asks why, I'll tell her I just got tired of it and feel better without it.
As for your buddies you work with, you might be overstating/ overthinking their reactions to you not drinking. When I quit several years ago, the drinkers in my life were curious (I think deep inside were envious) and the non drinkers never gave it a second thought because they were never obsessed with drinking in the first place.
As for your buddies you work with, you might be overstating/ overthinking their reactions to you not drinking. When I quit several years ago, the drinkers in my life were curious (I think deep inside were envious) and the non drinkers never gave it a second thought because they were never obsessed with drinking in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: St. Pete Beach
Posts: 35
Thanks for asking the question DriedShad, I was going to ask it myself. As a relatively secret drinker there are people in my life who have never seen me drink and have no idea it is a problem for me. As posters here have said, i guess my sobriety will make no difference to them. Right now i have not shared it with anyone and i dont feel like sharing but i am wondering if as FreeOwl says i am just wanting to leave myself a loophole here. I do feel for the time being posting here on this site is a huge step forward because it is a place where i can admit the things i am most shameful of. I am able to let it out and take accountability whereas before i was the queen of denial. Its good to know from everyone that there are no rules one way or the other so i will take a little time to decide when and with whom to share my choice.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome DS. For me it definitely helps to have an outlet and community like SR.
Is it ok to not tell you spouse? Of course it is. My situation sounds similar to yours in some aspects. I too didn't tell my wife; who continued to drink heavily when I first quit. I didn't tell her for reasons similar to yours and also so that if I relapsed early on, it would be between me and only me.
I did find that after I had a few weeks under my belt, I did tell her. I was to the point of hiding my drinking so well that she really never noticed that I wasn't drinking. Heck, I was drinking pretty much 24/7 when I decided to quit so no one really knew me any other way.
You have to do this for you. Everyone else in your life will benefit from your efforts. Do what ever it takes for you to not drink today. If that means telling your wife or not, do what ever will give you the best chance at success.
What I will tell you is that it does get easier, much easier. You will enjoy your time with your kids so much more. Life is still life, with its ups and downs, but you aren't wasting it away. You never know when you will run out of tomorrows.
Glad you found us!
Is it ok to not tell you spouse? Of course it is. My situation sounds similar to yours in some aspects. I too didn't tell my wife; who continued to drink heavily when I first quit. I didn't tell her for reasons similar to yours and also so that if I relapsed early on, it would be between me and only me.
I did find that after I had a few weeks under my belt, I did tell her. I was to the point of hiding my drinking so well that she really never noticed that I wasn't drinking. Heck, I was drinking pretty much 24/7 when I decided to quit so no one really knew me any other way.
You have to do this for you. Everyone else in your life will benefit from your efforts. Do what ever it takes for you to not drink today. If that means telling your wife or not, do what ever will give you the best chance at success.
What I will tell you is that it does get easier, much easier. You will enjoy your time with your kids so much more. Life is still life, with its ups and downs, but you aren't wasting it away. You never know when you will run out of tomorrows.
Glad you found us!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 12
Thank you everyone for your input, prayers, and encouragement.
After I posted last night, actually this morning, I only had two hours before I had to wake up for work. Somehow just being able to vent on here without the fear of being judged really helped.
Again, thank you all.
After I posted last night, actually this morning, I only had two hours before I had to wake up for work. Somehow just being able to vent on here without the fear of being judged really helped.
Again, thank you all.
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