...Seven ways from Sunday
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 51
...Seven ways from Sunday
Firstly... Hello. This is my first day here, first post, and long, long overdue. :-) Second, I wish to thank you all preemptively, for the patience to hear what I have to say, knowing full well that much of it is likely to be all too familiar, and yet still taking the time to lend a friendly ear. Here's to the hope that's brought us all here.
I will start by saying I have read through much of this site, many posts and replies, before summoning up the confidence to sign up and take part. That's mainly due to a lack of courage on my end, partly due to unplaceable fear. Better late than never.
My AH has a family history of alcohol abuse, via his father and grandfather. I did not know this til we'd been married about a year, and we were together three years before that. Cue the family skeleton closet. We have now been together for 23 years, to include his 9 year enlistment in the military, and have been blessed by two wonderful children. I discovered he had a fondness for alcohol not long after we were married, but for many years this was well controlled and the setting typically social. I, too, enjoyed the WOOHOO early-twenties period for a time. But after an 18 month deployment to Korea, he returned to us with a new habit of consuming multiple beers daily. That took a drastic jump once he decided not to reenlist years later, and we moved home. The depression that followed lasted several months, during which I became the bread winner of the family for about a year, until he found stable civilian employment. Once I gave up my job and returned to staying at home with our children, his attitude toward me -and many other things - began to alter, slowly. Within a couple of years, it became fairly common to hear that the girls and I were a burden, that without him I could have never succeeded in the working world ( even though I was up for management promotion within 5 months of starting that job), I have no common sense and can't survive on my own, the list goes on.
Initially, this was said with a sad smiling way, as if it were just an unfortunate reality that I must accept. And strangely enough, I began to, never mind that I am a fairly intelligent person, with dreams of one day becoming a published writer and hopefully gaining a history degree. All the while, his drinking escalated. He began to withdraw from the world, choosing to stay at home, summoning friends to our house every weekend. Eventually, he began to hold those friends and myself hostage. If we were not faithfully here every Saturday night, we had somehow let him down. I know now he was attempting to force us to enable him.
Up to that point, the man I knew was honest, and intelligent, and we had a good trusting relationship. It seemed only natural to assume he was truly offering this opinions out of concern. I immediately set about trying to correct the flaws he pointed out in my life, embarking on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth, trying to evolve beyond the person he was describing to me. Odd thing was, for everything I supposedly fixed, three more new issues popped up. Then began the truly excessive drinking. He then attempted to stop smoking, choosing to use the medication chantix to help, a medication which triggered a three-week deep depression, during which every single thing lost pleasure for him. Ever since he stopped taking that medication, after an intervention from myself and friends, he has had periodic relapses into that same depression period that began four years ago.
I now believe I am seeing pretty strong indicators for bipolar disorder, something that I also believe his father suffered from. Now there is a lovely mix of euphoric highs of overwhelming confidence, depressed lows that he's having great difficulty climbing back out of. During which he goes through periodic drinking binges, typically on weekends when there is no work the next day, but as of late he's begun to do this during the week. On occasion, he will vanish for a night and most of the next day. Lately, he has started making very poor choices about driving during the excursions. During all he belittles myself and everyone around him while talking himself up to the moon, or belittling himself and offering miles of praise to myself and everyone around him.
It's been a fun ride... Not.
About a month and a half ago, he had a breakthrough moment that lasted about two weeks. It seemed as if a veil had been lifted. For the first time in years, he listened to me, acknowledged finally some terrible things he has done to me and others that appears not to remember personally, and committed to fixing this problem. He was making tangible progress, and feeling very good about it. So was I. He promised to see a doctor, to go to therapy.
That appointment is still not made, and only three days ago was an attempt to set it up made. And even though it's not officially set yet, already he is setting the framework to avoid going. Within that month and a half, twice he has driven home in a state that is not fit for the road. I have explained to him that I will not tolerate such behavior, leaving no room for doubt. And yet I am confident this is not the last time it will happen.
At this point, it feels as if I have exhausted all of my options. In hindsight, it's beyond clear to me that I am an outrageously patient person. Bit by bit, episode by episode, my affections have been sliced away in pieces. I do still love the man, but wonder if I will ever have a chance of feeling what I did before, even if he does everything required to help himself. I fear that damage cannot be undone. However, I have made it clear that whatever happens between us, I will do what I can to help him, and hope for better or worse he will still consider me a friend through whatever lies ahead. True to form, he acknowledges this while also complaining about the state of our marriage, how boring I am, how am I going to get through this with no friends (which is a ridiculous assertion lol).
I realize this is long winded, & I apologize to you for that. There are two decades of escalating crazy bottled up within me. And I realize that in my attempts to help him I have by default coasted into a position in which our house is falling apart, bills are behind schedule, my car is attempting to croak, and only recently have I regained employment. Whatever lies ahead, it's not looking too fun for me and mine.
Now that I have set up the scene for you all to view, I'm definitely open for input. I am doing what I can for him, and in the meantime putting myself through the wringer to keep both himself and two children above water. I certainly need support. I have attended therapy once, for several months, and I have that to thank for the semblance of sanity I currently have. I'd like to know what else I can do for him, but mainly I need help for myself. I know he will never attend AA. So begins the growing list of things he won't do. And with it the too familiar swirling of despair in me as I come to the same conclusion over and over again. I can't do this, certainly can't allow my children to bear witness to it, and can't shake the feeling that just by being here at all I am allowing him to believe that the behavior he's exhibited so far is acceptable and he can therefore push the envelope indefinitely.
This is my S.O.S. Super. Long. S.O.S.
I will start by saying I have read through much of this site, many posts and replies, before summoning up the confidence to sign up and take part. That's mainly due to a lack of courage on my end, partly due to unplaceable fear. Better late than never.
My AH has a family history of alcohol abuse, via his father and grandfather. I did not know this til we'd been married about a year, and we were together three years before that. Cue the family skeleton closet. We have now been together for 23 years, to include his 9 year enlistment in the military, and have been blessed by two wonderful children. I discovered he had a fondness for alcohol not long after we were married, but for many years this was well controlled and the setting typically social. I, too, enjoyed the WOOHOO early-twenties period for a time. But after an 18 month deployment to Korea, he returned to us with a new habit of consuming multiple beers daily. That took a drastic jump once he decided not to reenlist years later, and we moved home. The depression that followed lasted several months, during which I became the bread winner of the family for about a year, until he found stable civilian employment. Once I gave up my job and returned to staying at home with our children, his attitude toward me -and many other things - began to alter, slowly. Within a couple of years, it became fairly common to hear that the girls and I were a burden, that without him I could have never succeeded in the working world ( even though I was up for management promotion within 5 months of starting that job), I have no common sense and can't survive on my own, the list goes on.
Initially, this was said with a sad smiling way, as if it were just an unfortunate reality that I must accept. And strangely enough, I began to, never mind that I am a fairly intelligent person, with dreams of one day becoming a published writer and hopefully gaining a history degree. All the while, his drinking escalated. He began to withdraw from the world, choosing to stay at home, summoning friends to our house every weekend. Eventually, he began to hold those friends and myself hostage. If we were not faithfully here every Saturday night, we had somehow let him down. I know now he was attempting to force us to enable him.
Up to that point, the man I knew was honest, and intelligent, and we had a good trusting relationship. It seemed only natural to assume he was truly offering this opinions out of concern. I immediately set about trying to correct the flaws he pointed out in my life, embarking on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth, trying to evolve beyond the person he was describing to me. Odd thing was, for everything I supposedly fixed, three more new issues popped up. Then began the truly excessive drinking. He then attempted to stop smoking, choosing to use the medication chantix to help, a medication which triggered a three-week deep depression, during which every single thing lost pleasure for him. Ever since he stopped taking that medication, after an intervention from myself and friends, he has had periodic relapses into that same depression period that began four years ago.
I now believe I am seeing pretty strong indicators for bipolar disorder, something that I also believe his father suffered from. Now there is a lovely mix of euphoric highs of overwhelming confidence, depressed lows that he's having great difficulty climbing back out of. During which he goes through periodic drinking binges, typically on weekends when there is no work the next day, but as of late he's begun to do this during the week. On occasion, he will vanish for a night and most of the next day. Lately, he has started making very poor choices about driving during the excursions. During all he belittles myself and everyone around him while talking himself up to the moon, or belittling himself and offering miles of praise to myself and everyone around him.
It's been a fun ride... Not.
About a month and a half ago, he had a breakthrough moment that lasted about two weeks. It seemed as if a veil had been lifted. For the first time in years, he listened to me, acknowledged finally some terrible things he has done to me and others that appears not to remember personally, and committed to fixing this problem. He was making tangible progress, and feeling very good about it. So was I. He promised to see a doctor, to go to therapy.
That appointment is still not made, and only three days ago was an attempt to set it up made. And even though it's not officially set yet, already he is setting the framework to avoid going. Within that month and a half, twice he has driven home in a state that is not fit for the road. I have explained to him that I will not tolerate such behavior, leaving no room for doubt. And yet I am confident this is not the last time it will happen.
At this point, it feels as if I have exhausted all of my options. In hindsight, it's beyond clear to me that I am an outrageously patient person. Bit by bit, episode by episode, my affections have been sliced away in pieces. I do still love the man, but wonder if I will ever have a chance of feeling what I did before, even if he does everything required to help himself. I fear that damage cannot be undone. However, I have made it clear that whatever happens between us, I will do what I can to help him, and hope for better or worse he will still consider me a friend through whatever lies ahead. True to form, he acknowledges this while also complaining about the state of our marriage, how boring I am, how am I going to get through this with no friends (which is a ridiculous assertion lol).
I realize this is long winded, & I apologize to you for that. There are two decades of escalating crazy bottled up within me. And I realize that in my attempts to help him I have by default coasted into a position in which our house is falling apart, bills are behind schedule, my car is attempting to croak, and only recently have I regained employment. Whatever lies ahead, it's not looking too fun for me and mine.
Now that I have set up the scene for you all to view, I'm definitely open for input. I am doing what I can for him, and in the meantime putting myself through the wringer to keep both himself and two children above water. I certainly need support. I have attended therapy once, for several months, and I have that to thank for the semblance of sanity I currently have. I'd like to know what else I can do for him, but mainly I need help for myself. I know he will never attend AA. So begins the growing list of things he won't do. And with it the too familiar swirling of despair in me as I come to the same conclusion over and over again. I can't do this, certainly can't allow my children to bear witness to it, and can't shake the feeling that just by being here at all I am allowing him to believe that the behavior he's exhibited so far is acceptable and he can therefore push the envelope indefinitely.
This is my S.O.S. Super. Long. S.O.S.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, InfoSponge--glad you finally decided to post, and glad you had a chance to read around the forum pretty extensively before doing so.
Since you've been reading here, you already know the answer to the question about what you can do for him, don't you? It may not be the answer you want, but it's the sad truth. His unwillingness to attend AA or therapy is a clear indicator that he is nowhere near ready to begin the hard work that recovery is. Your love and your commitment to stand by him are not enough to get him better. If that worked, none of us would be on this site...
Yes, look for support for yourself and tend to the realities of your dying car, lagging bill payments, house that needs work and your employment. He has shown you that you cannot count on him for these needs, and since they must be dealt with, it's going to fall on you. Being prepared in these material ways will not be a mistake, no matter what happens down the road.
Looking into Alanon/Celebrate Recovery is a great idea. I've used SR online and Alanon face-to-face and feel it's helped me a lot. Alanon is a great resource for both education and support, in my opinion. It might take a few meetings to find the "perfect fit", but there is nothing like that feeling when you feel so heard and understood...
I hear the hope in your post, the wish for things to have a "happy ending", but he has shown you over and over during the course of your marriage who he is. This is not very likely to change unless he embraces some sort of recovery program, and you already know he is not willing to do so. The one piece of advice I can give you for certain is, again, to look to your own needs and to those of your children. They deserve one sane and present parent, and it looks like you're the only option for that job.
Hope you keep coming back to read and post, and hope you find some face-to-face help, be it therapy, Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. You'll eventually start to see your path, and I wish you the strength and clarity to follow it.
Since you've been reading here, you already know the answer to the question about what you can do for him, don't you? It may not be the answer you want, but it's the sad truth. His unwillingness to attend AA or therapy is a clear indicator that he is nowhere near ready to begin the hard work that recovery is. Your love and your commitment to stand by him are not enough to get him better. If that worked, none of us would be on this site...
Yes, look for support for yourself and tend to the realities of your dying car, lagging bill payments, house that needs work and your employment. He has shown you that you cannot count on him for these needs, and since they must be dealt with, it's going to fall on you. Being prepared in these material ways will not be a mistake, no matter what happens down the road.
Looking into Alanon/Celebrate Recovery is a great idea. I've used SR online and Alanon face-to-face and feel it's helped me a lot. Alanon is a great resource for both education and support, in my opinion. It might take a few meetings to find the "perfect fit", but there is nothing like that feeling when you feel so heard and understood...
I hear the hope in your post, the wish for things to have a "happy ending", but he has shown you over and over during the course of your marriage who he is. This is not very likely to change unless he embraces some sort of recovery program, and you already know he is not willing to do so. The one piece of advice I can give you for certain is, again, to look to your own needs and to those of your children. They deserve one sane and present parent, and it looks like you're the only option for that job.
Hope you keep coming back to read and post, and hope you find some face-to-face help, be it therapy, Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. You'll eventually start to see your path, and I wish you the strength and clarity to follow it.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi Info, Welcome to the forum. I am so glad you found us. You sound as if you have a good handle on what is going on in your relationship. It is a tough situation. If your husband is serious about quitting drinking there are other programs out there that are nothing like AA. Such a rational recovery. But if he has bipolar he really needs medical help beyond quitting drinking.
Hope you stick around.
Hope you stick around.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Welcome InfoSponge!
You have come to the right place. I am still pretty green here and I can relate to your story very much. But I left after 6 years. I am a year out of the house. I had a lot of the same thoughts you did. I cannot imagine being in what I was for 23 years.
What is jumping out at me is wondering what you can do for him. You can't do anything for him. I can remember so clearly "fixing" each issue my ex presented, only to be faced with another issue, like you shared.
I found this forum to be of great help to me. I learned a lot here and continue to do so.
Just today I am enlightened and I am sitting here realizing that my own issues and baggage are now staring me dead in the face.
If I could go back, I would have made counseling and alanon one of my TOP TOP priorities. It wasn't. Fixing/helping/dealing/reeling from/crying from/recovering from his latest/ was my priority. I didn't know any better.
And in the beginning of my posting here, these beautiful people rubbed me the wrong way only because it was SO hard to accept the reality of an alcoholic situation. I just could not fathom a lot of what was being shared.
Anyway, welcome
You have come to the right place. I am still pretty green here and I can relate to your story very much. But I left after 6 years. I am a year out of the house. I had a lot of the same thoughts you did. I cannot imagine being in what I was for 23 years.
What is jumping out at me is wondering what you can do for him. You can't do anything for him. I can remember so clearly "fixing" each issue my ex presented, only to be faced with another issue, like you shared.
I found this forum to be of great help to me. I learned a lot here and continue to do so.
Just today I am enlightened and I am sitting here realizing that my own issues and baggage are now staring me dead in the face.
If I could go back, I would have made counseling and alanon one of my TOP TOP priorities. It wasn't. Fixing/helping/dealing/reeling from/crying from/recovering from his latest/ was my priority. I didn't know any better.
And in the beginning of my posting here, these beautiful people rubbed me the wrong way only because it was SO hard to accept the reality of an alcoholic situation. I just could not fathom a lot of what was being shared.
Anyway, welcome
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Welcome.
Maybe not in the beginning - but it doesn't have to be that way forever. I second Alanon - and all of the books that are mentioned in here. Codependant no More, and the Language of Letting go (which honeypig posts the daily quips here) have helped me a lot.
Detachment - i recommend learning everything you can about it if you haven't already. It'll save your sanity. Oh - and spend lots of quality time - by yourself, taking care of yourself, doing things for YOU, and spending time with those 'non-existant' friends of yours haha.
I am sorry your husband is sick - I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I am so, so glad you are getting healthy!! (((HUGS)))
Whatever lies ahead, it's not looking too fun for me and mine.
Detachment - i recommend learning everything you can about it if you haven't already. It'll save your sanity. Oh - and spend lots of quality time - by yourself, taking care of yourself, doing things for YOU, and spending time with those 'non-existant' friends of yours haha.
I am sorry your husband is sick - I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I am so, so glad you are getting healthy!! (((HUGS)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 51
Thank you for the warm welcome. I must say, the moment I realized I had a reply, it felt like the weight of Atlas coming off my shoulders. Also, my heart tells me I should regret knowing answers to questions and insight you have posed to me so far, but my head tells me I've done right and done right by the answers I do have so far.
It's true, I do know there's nothing I can really do to help. The head knows, and while the heart is slow to catch up it knows too. I suppose one of the most surprising things for me is that I ever allowed things to get this far. Like a slow infection, didn't recognize it for what it was until it was full blown. And yes, this is a disease, but not mine. Worst case of Munchausen's ever, this.
What sort of group might be available aside from AA for him? I have searched the internet and inquired locally, but it's a lot like trying to choose a good vitamin from 30 different options. Any personal experience that was positive would give me a little more strength to pursue it as an option.
I am taking steps to prepare for what does seem inevitable, but the financial mountain is definitely imposing. It's going to take time for sure before I can really do anything. I believe that's part of the codependency that I've read so much about here. Is there any advice on what steps I might first consider regarding this? It's a lot to consider, very overwhelming.
I'm trying to be rational, but ironically I can't help but wonder if the rationality has allowed me to fall deeper into this pit. I halfway wish I've lost my temper long ago, then I'd likely be out of this already. That's just not who I am, though.
I do know one thing I've done, quite by accident, is a great deal of detachment. In some ways it just a separation of self, and other moment it more like an out of body experience.
It's true, I do know there's nothing I can really do to help. The head knows, and while the heart is slow to catch up it knows too. I suppose one of the most surprising things for me is that I ever allowed things to get this far. Like a slow infection, didn't recognize it for what it was until it was full blown. And yes, this is a disease, but not mine. Worst case of Munchausen's ever, this.
What sort of group might be available aside from AA for him? I have searched the internet and inquired locally, but it's a lot like trying to choose a good vitamin from 30 different options. Any personal experience that was positive would give me a little more strength to pursue it as an option.
I am taking steps to prepare for what does seem inevitable, but the financial mountain is definitely imposing. It's going to take time for sure before I can really do anything. I believe that's part of the codependency that I've read so much about here. Is there any advice on what steps I might first consider regarding this? It's a lot to consider, very overwhelming.
I'm trying to be rational, but ironically I can't help but wonder if the rationality has allowed me to fall deeper into this pit. I halfway wish I've lost my temper long ago, then I'd likely be out of this already. That's just not who I am, though.
I do know one thing I've done, quite by accident, is a great deal of detachment. In some ways it just a separation of self, and other moment it more like an out of body experience.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 51
I will definitely look into those books, Firebolt. I'm actually thinking of a bookstore trip today with the small people. I'd always assumed Alanon was for A, not for spouses and such? Shows how far trolling Google has gotten me, eh? Lol.
Dependency.. financial is complex, but I've picked up my shovel to dig out. Emotionally? Feels like a dead connection, really, save for... Pity? Distant pity. I don't feel responsible. I don't feel he's due a break from responsibility for this, either. It's all rather like watching some psychedelic 60's video of a circus sideshow.
Dependency.. financial is complex, but I've picked up my shovel to dig out. Emotionally? Feels like a dead connection, really, save for... Pity? Distant pity. I don't feel responsible. I don't feel he's due a break from responsibility for this, either. It's all rather like watching some psychedelic 60's video of a circus sideshow.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by InfoSponge 
I'd always assumed Alanon was for A, not for spouses and such?
AA = Alcoholics Anonymous, for the alcoholic
Alanon--for friends, partners, spouses, family members, "anyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking", as the slogan goes
Alateen/Alakids--for kids of the respective ages, usually held in conjunction with but in a separate room from Alanon and/or AA meetings.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I can remember so clearly "fixing" each issue my ex presented, only to be faced with another issue, like you shared.
Ditto what meggem said. I kept one trying to fix things so my ex wouldn't have any more reasons to drink- the bills were too much or mowing the lawn was way too stressful. Well, no problem, I jumped in with both feet and took over paying something (which gave him more money to drink) or started doing the bulk of childcare and taking care of all the household responsibilities so that he wouldn't be stressed and "have to" drink.
I focused all of my energy onto making things right for him, and had nothing left over for myself. I can totally relate to the feeling of everything else in life being neglected because I poured all my resources into trying to make things right for my ex while he contributed less and less. It was exhausting.
I have found a lot of help for myself in Alanon. Weekly meetings are a good way to start building a support system for yourself and to interact with people who really understand. If you don't mind my asking, how old are your kids? Alateen is a program for kids 11 and older dealing with a loved one's alcoholism. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and it has had far-reaching negative effects on my life and relationships as an adult. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, just to let you know that there is lots of help available for you and for your kids. I know how overwhelming it is when you finally reach out for help because it feels like everything is closing in all at once.
I read something on here a while back about making a "2 do" list, instead of a "to do" list. It's a strategy I still use when I feel overwhelmed by responsibility. List 2 things to accomplish every day (it's totally OK if some days the list is 1. Get out of bed 2. Take a shower). It can help to break down a long list of chores into manageable bite-sized chunks. Once I get a little bit of positive momentum going, it makes those next steps easier to take.
Welcome and keep posting.
Ditto what meggem said. I kept one trying to fix things so my ex wouldn't have any more reasons to drink- the bills were too much or mowing the lawn was way too stressful. Well, no problem, I jumped in with both feet and took over paying something (which gave him more money to drink) or started doing the bulk of childcare and taking care of all the household responsibilities so that he wouldn't be stressed and "have to" drink.
I focused all of my energy onto making things right for him, and had nothing left over for myself. I can totally relate to the feeling of everything else in life being neglected because I poured all my resources into trying to make things right for my ex while he contributed less and less. It was exhausting.
I have found a lot of help for myself in Alanon. Weekly meetings are a good way to start building a support system for yourself and to interact with people who really understand. If you don't mind my asking, how old are your kids? Alateen is a program for kids 11 and older dealing with a loved one's alcoholism. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and it has had far-reaching negative effects on my life and relationships as an adult. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, just to let you know that there is lots of help available for you and for your kids. I know how overwhelming it is when you finally reach out for help because it feels like everything is closing in all at once.
I read something on here a while back about making a "2 do" list, instead of a "to do" list. It's a strategy I still use when I feel overwhelmed by responsibility. List 2 things to accomplish every day (it's totally OK if some days the list is 1. Get out of bed 2. Take a shower). It can help to break down a long list of chores into manageable bite-sized chunks. Once I get a little bit of positive momentum going, it makes those next steps easier to take.
Welcome and keep posting.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by InfoSponge
Ooohhhh! Thank you, honeypig! That makes so much more sense. I had assumed it was just different lingo for the same thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 51
Ladyscribbler, that was precisely my life about a year ago. Really a bit eerie! I jumped through flaming hoops, sent myself packing to therapy, and after all that hot mess only to realize it had nothing to do with me. Even so, once I made that connection, it's taken me this long for it to really soak in. Partly because I felt I had see it through new eyes to really believe it? Still doesn't make sense to me, I've lost yet another year, this time basically staring at a petri dish.
I have to snap myself out of this, I think I have become too detached, if that makes sense? This is where I am stuck, trying to find the kick in the pants I need, but no longer waiting for it to come out of nowhere good.
I have to snap myself out of this, I think I have become too detached, if that makes sense? This is where I am stuck, trying to find the kick in the pants I need, but no longer waiting for it to come out of nowhere good.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 51
(Sorry, hit submit too soon)
My girls are 10 and 15. Perhaps I have been wrong to do so, opinions have varied wildly, but I am not in the business of hiding such things from my kids. I definitely approach each differently according to age, but honestly they have been telling me to run for some time now. They love him, they do, and while he hides most of this mess from them, they know. The youngest especially has expressed her dislike for his choices. She's quite a fireball.
In short, all that's left for me is acting on it all. Gotta figure the details first though. Alanon and the books, I'll work on those today for sure.
My girls are 10 and 15. Perhaps I have been wrong to do so, opinions have varied wildly, but I am not in the business of hiding such things from my kids. I definitely approach each differently according to age, but honestly they have been telling me to run for some time now. They love him, they do, and while he hides most of this mess from them, they know. The youngest especially has expressed her dislike for his choices. She's quite a fireball.
In short, all that's left for me is acting on it all. Gotta figure the details first though. Alanon and the books, I'll work on those today for sure.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
You should look at the secular connections for friends and family here. Good classic reads. Also feel free to go to the alcoholism and secular connections for alcoholics here as well. You are certainly welcome to read and ask questions on any of the forums.
Some of the other recovery programs are Celebrate Recovery, SOS, Rational Recovery, Life Ring.
Some of the other recovery programs are Celebrate Recovery, SOS, Rational Recovery, Life Ring.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 51
Atalose... He's not looking. Admits he needs help, but I know that means friends, family, me. AKA, attention. I want to know so that I can share the information with all of those he continually tries to reel in, friends and family and such. I have this little vision of everyone's answer always being a support group, the same support group. Immersion learning, I suppose.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
Can't offer advice but would say do take care of yourself and explore YOUR options for your life. I am in no position to push 'detachment' because it took me months even years, and on some days, I am not there. I just feel you cannot control his drinking and he has to hit his rock bottom and then get help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 51
I will do that, Happy. Just started perusing the secular connections. There's quite a bit there to keep me busy. ;-)
Thank you all, again and again, for your responses and insight. It's very much appreciated. I've caught myself taking some deep breaths today. It's very nice.
Thank you all, again and again, for your responses and insight. It's very much appreciated. I've caught myself taking some deep breaths today. It's very nice.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Oh on the topic of things we have all done to fix the problem.
I clearly remember being newly married...we just bought a house, we moved in right before our wedding, which was in the Bahamas, *I* for one could not WAIT to come home and play wife. God I was so excited.
over a period of weeks (or whatever, months, days I don't even know) He confessed that the reason he was so "out of sorts" lately ( we called it cute names when it first started) was because he is used to paying the bills at a desk, in an organized fashion. But where he was paying the bills now was in our spare room which was the dump room, the I don't know where we should put this lets just put it here room and yea it was really messy, but I don't know I could have paid the bills there but instead.......
I took the day off from work and I spent the ENTIRE day re-doing that room. I turned it into a reception/waiting room. It was amazing what I did with that room.
Brought him in with the whole TADA!!! And he barely reacted. I was crushed. But looking back, he knew he was screwed I think. Deep down he knew, or his sub-conscience knew that wasn't his "issue"
That is one of a billion things I fixed for him.
I also know what you mean about wondering how you got where you are and how did it all happen without you "seeing" it - it has taken me a year to come to terms with/admit to myself/be able to see that it was happening all along. I'm not sure if I couldn't face it or if I had really blocked it out but I just remember months and months of crying and having to know - HOW I missed this?
In fact I think I have many posts starving to know how I got 'here' -
Oh and he is a big boy. He can figure out where he needs to go (says the girl who printed out AA meeting lists, researched and set up appointments for counseling)
but it's true. Someone on here said to me once not to do the things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. It stuck with me.
Then I got confused over what was common courtesy and being a complete b*tch but that's another topic.....
I clearly remember being newly married...we just bought a house, we moved in right before our wedding, which was in the Bahamas, *I* for one could not WAIT to come home and play wife. God I was so excited.
over a period of weeks (or whatever, months, days I don't even know) He confessed that the reason he was so "out of sorts" lately ( we called it cute names when it first started) was because he is used to paying the bills at a desk, in an organized fashion. But where he was paying the bills now was in our spare room which was the dump room, the I don't know where we should put this lets just put it here room and yea it was really messy, but I don't know I could have paid the bills there but instead.......
I took the day off from work and I spent the ENTIRE day re-doing that room. I turned it into a reception/waiting room. It was amazing what I did with that room.
Brought him in with the whole TADA!!! And he barely reacted. I was crushed. But looking back, he knew he was screwed I think. Deep down he knew, or his sub-conscience knew that wasn't his "issue"
That is one of a billion things I fixed for him.
I also know what you mean about wondering how you got where you are and how did it all happen without you "seeing" it - it has taken me a year to come to terms with/admit to myself/be able to see that it was happening all along. I'm not sure if I couldn't face it or if I had really blocked it out but I just remember months and months of crying and having to know - HOW I missed this?
In fact I think I have many posts starving to know how I got 'here' -
Oh and he is a big boy. He can figure out where he needs to go (says the girl who printed out AA meeting lists, researched and set up appointments for counseling)
but it's true. Someone on here said to me once not to do the things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. It stuck with me.
Then I got confused over what was common courtesy and being a complete b*tch but that's another topic.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 51
Quish, I do agree that, sadly, rock bottom is likely the best shot he has at any actual reality check. All proclaimed checks thus far have started with a bang and ended in varying ways, but ended just the same.
I am trying to do more for myself. The job was the real beginning. Not just for financial reasons, but as a spiritual escape hatch. More of me comes back in bits and pieces. I do dream of a massage, oy my shoulders are boulders.
I am trying to do more for myself. The job was the real beginning. Not just for financial reasons, but as a spiritual escape hatch. More of me comes back in bits and pieces. I do dream of a massage, oy my shoulders are boulders.
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