After a great meeting with Kel....
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
After a great meeting with Kel....
I must say thank you to Kel, Marti and joszette for a wonderful meeting! After the meeting ....my phone rang! IMAGINE THAT! How do they always know that you are doing something for YOURSELF? *wipes* tear from eye.....I have the strength and I know what I need to do for me and I know I'm going to do just that this week! (i.e. the meeting) but WOW! He was drunk....and I took a stand and said that I was not going to speak to him when he has been drinking. I get the "I did not say anything bad" and then he proceeds to start with the insults how he will talk to me in two weeks because I want control and it is all about me! (Playing the game to TRY to keep me on the phone)When I know the reality of that scenario!
Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is a tuff road....but I know I can do this....I told him Good night and hung up!How come it hurts so much to do this to him?
:ugh2:
As I hand it over to God .....I'm going to go lay down and go to sleep (with phones shut off! I know it is coming the excessive phone calls tonight UGH)
Night all!
Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is a tuff road....but I know I can do this....I told him Good night and hung up!How come it hurts so much to do this to him?
:ugh2: As I hand it over to God .....I'm going to go lay down and go to sleep (with phones shut off! I know it is coming the excessive phone calls tonight UGH)
Night all!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I want to tell you a little story. Hopefully you'll understand why I am telling you this.
I always got that same type of response from AH - for years! Oh yes, "the blame game", "The guilt game", and all the rest of them. Been there - done that.
But here's the next chapter of that story. And one that made me realize that I was finally recovering and learning to be a new person. (Which is why I'm sharing this with you).
AH and I had been split up for some months and we were having a conversation over the telephone. Now, this was fairly early on where all of our conversations tended to revolve around all the damage that my AH had caused our family. There were too many times to count how many times I cried during these conversations and how many times my questions to him began with the word "why". "Why did you do this to me?" - "Why did you treat us like this for so long if you really loved us and knew it was wrong?" - "Why didn't you care?" - "Why didn't you stop sooner?" etc - you get the point.
I was an emotional wreck. I went from one moment trying to be strong and get a grip on my life - to being such a pathetic wimp!!!!!! Oh, sometimes I felt like I was such an embarrassment to myself.
(I am NOT saying that anyone that cries is wimp!!! At the time, I just really wanted to be stronger cuz I'd always given in to him and believed the empty promises, etc and I knew that this time it HAD to be different!) Anyways...on with my story.
I was sharing with AH about my own recovery, the discoveries I had made, etc. He had quit drinking as well and wanted us back together. So I suppose this is what kept us being able to actually have some sort of real communication going on for some time.
But one day......he was on his kick about my letting him come home and how much he'd changed, etc. Well, he said something like "Well, I guess when you find yourself, you'll just let me know." For one minute, I was shocked as I took this as a slam - but you know after that intital second of shock, I actually rolled my eyes and laughed at him!
I wasn't keeping us apart to punish him. I wasn't out trying to find myself in the way that his tone implied. And you know what - I did not react to that comment in the way that I would have a few months ago. I did not get angry, defensive, etc. I actually rolled my eyes because it was just so stupid! I actually got a laugh out of it! Simply because it was so stupid and so absurd that it didn't warrant a reaction! It wasn't worth it and it reminded me of just how tired I was of fighting with him all the time.
In a way, he was right. I am "finding myself". And you know what - I'm happier, I'm calmer, I'm more at peace, and it has gotten easier!
For 16 years, I was a shell of the person that I used to be. And in the past 6 months or so, I have grown soooo much! I am becoming that person that I was before I met AH and I'm actually starting to like myself again as well as be happy again.
Believe me, if you had known me years ago and met me now, you wouldn't believe I was the same person!
Sweetie - this is YOUR life. You have the choice to be happy. You have the choice to be whoever you want to be, do whatever you want to do, and live life to the fullest. And you know what - it does get easier.
Hang in there! I'm sending you tons of supportive vibes. I know it's hard.
I always got that same type of response from AH - for years! Oh yes, "the blame game", "The guilt game", and all the rest of them. Been there - done that.
But here's the next chapter of that story. And one that made me realize that I was finally recovering and learning to be a new person. (Which is why I'm sharing this with you).
AH and I had been split up for some months and we were having a conversation over the telephone. Now, this was fairly early on where all of our conversations tended to revolve around all the damage that my AH had caused our family. There were too many times to count how many times I cried during these conversations and how many times my questions to him began with the word "why". "Why did you do this to me?" - "Why did you treat us like this for so long if you really loved us and knew it was wrong?" - "Why didn't you care?" - "Why didn't you stop sooner?" etc - you get the point.
I was an emotional wreck. I went from one moment trying to be strong and get a grip on my life - to being such a pathetic wimp!!!!!! Oh, sometimes I felt like I was such an embarrassment to myself.
(I am NOT saying that anyone that cries is wimp!!! At the time, I just really wanted to be stronger cuz I'd always given in to him and believed the empty promises, etc and I knew that this time it HAD to be different!) Anyways...on with my story.
I was sharing with AH about my own recovery, the discoveries I had made, etc. He had quit drinking as well and wanted us back together. So I suppose this is what kept us being able to actually have some sort of real communication going on for some time.
But one day......he was on his kick about my letting him come home and how much he'd changed, etc. Well, he said something like "Well, I guess when you find yourself, you'll just let me know." For one minute, I was shocked as I took this as a slam - but you know after that intital second of shock, I actually rolled my eyes and laughed at him!
I wasn't keeping us apart to punish him. I wasn't out trying to find myself in the way that his tone implied. And you know what - I did not react to that comment in the way that I would have a few months ago. I did not get angry, defensive, etc. I actually rolled my eyes because it was just so stupid! I actually got a laugh out of it! Simply because it was so stupid and so absurd that it didn't warrant a reaction! It wasn't worth it and it reminded me of just how tired I was of fighting with him all the time.
In a way, he was right. I am "finding myself". And you know what - I'm happier, I'm calmer, I'm more at peace, and it has gotten easier!
For 16 years, I was a shell of the person that I used to be. And in the past 6 months or so, I have grown soooo much! I am becoming that person that I was before I met AH and I'm actually starting to like myself again as well as be happy again.
Believe me, if you had known me years ago and met me now, you wouldn't believe I was the same person!
Sweetie - this is YOUR life. You have the choice to be happy. You have the choice to be whoever you want to be, do whatever you want to do, and live life to the fullest. And you know what - it does get easier.
Hang in there! I'm sending you tons of supportive vibes. I know it's hard.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere safe
Posts: 103
Wow, I'm always amazed at how similar all our AHs are. I called home while gone on business and he was drinking. Sooo the next morning I emailed him and told him that I wouldn't be calling him again. We would talk when I got home. Three days later when I got home, he was still mad. Said all the same things -- that I was trying to control him -- that I was the cause of his drinking --you know the rest Rella. Anyway I tried to explain that it wasn't about him, that it was about me. I didn't want to get on the roller coaster with him. I needed to focus on work and not on the craziness. His reply was - what if he had had a gun to his head. My answer to him was that I thought he put a gun to his head every time he took a drink and that if that was his decision, then I couldn't stop him. I slept in the guest room. Great homecoming but worth it to stick to my guns. I am getting stronger and wiser to his manipulating ways. Today, he met with his sponsor and is at an AA meeting as I write. Hope springs eternal.
Hang in there. Sleep well. Live well.
Hang in there. Sleep well. Live well.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Thank you for sharing this story with me Standing strong (As you can see I have not gone to bed yet! But on my way now...was doing some reading)
(((Hugs))) to what you have gone through! I must say that I'm pretty calm for the most part (probably all the counseling I have had) but I know that this is new to me with being involved with a AB ......I found it so much easier with my brother to detach! I feel with this one I have lost myself temporarily...and I feel that with the help of meetings (here and in person) and my continued counseling, and the great posts from wonderful people like yourself.....I will find myself again because you are right "This MY life" and I do have choices! I do not drill him about his drinking .....I just walk away-for the most part but I'm certainly not at peace right now! Thank you *hanging on*
(((Hugs))) to what you have gone through! I must say that I'm pretty calm for the most part (probably all the counseling I have had) but I know that this is new to me with being involved with a AB ......I found it so much easier with my brother to detach! I feel with this one I have lost myself temporarily...and I feel that with the help of meetings (here and in person) and my continued counseling, and the great posts from wonderful people like yourself.....I will find myself again because you are right "This MY life" and I do have choices! I do not drill him about his drinking .....I just walk away-for the most part but I'm certainly not at peace right now! Thank you *hanging on*
Sleep Well.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((Rella))
It's hard because I don't want the ones I love to be sick. It's hard because I want to take their struggle away. It's hard because I was taught to fix others and neglect me. It's hard to stay out of God's business because it interferes with what I want. It's hard to take responsibility for me and not look to someone else to make me ok. Dang it, it's hard. But it's the right thing. It's the only thing I can do to find peace and serenity. Live and let live, and letting go and letting God is hard but when I do, things go the way they are supposed to. I feel ya lady! Hugs, Magic
It's hard because I don't want the ones I love to be sick. It's hard because I want to take their struggle away. It's hard because I was taught to fix others and neglect me. It's hard to stay out of God's business because it interferes with what I want. It's hard to take responsibility for me and not look to someone else to make me ok. Dang it, it's hard. But it's the right thing. It's the only thing I can do to find peace and serenity. Live and let live, and letting go and letting God is hard but when I do, things go the way they are supposed to. I feel ya lady! Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Standingstrong -
I know exactly what you mean. I've said many times "I wouldn't have put up with this crap when I was 17." I used to know who I was and what my limits were and what I deserved in my life. I guess I just got sucked in so slowly I didn't know it was happening.
I am proud and happy that "me" is coming back. I like this "me" much better.
L
I know exactly what you mean. I've said many times "I wouldn't have put up with this crap when I was 17." I used to know who I was and what my limits were and what I deserved in my life. I guess I just got sucked in so slowly I didn't know it was happening.
I am proud and happy that "me" is coming back. I like this "me" much better.
L
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by Magichappens
((Rella))
It's hard because I don't want the ones I love to be sick. It's hard because I want to take their struggle away. It's hard because I was taught to fix others and neglect me. It's hard to stay out of God's business because it interferes with what I want. It's hard to take responsibility for me and not look to someone else to make me ok. Dang it, it's hard. But it's the right thing. It's the only thing I can do to find peace and serenity. Live and let live, and letting go and letting God is hard but when I do, things go the way they are supposed to. I feel ya lady! Hugs, Magic
It's hard because I don't want the ones I love to be sick. It's hard because I want to take their struggle away. It's hard because I was taught to fix others and neglect me. It's hard to stay out of God's business because it interferes with what I want. It's hard to take responsibility for me and not look to someone else to make me ok. Dang it, it's hard. But it's the right thing. It's the only thing I can do to find peace and serenity. Live and let live, and letting go and letting God is hard but when I do, things go the way they are supposed to. I feel ya lady! Hugs, Magic
Yes you are right it's hard because we want to "fix" others when we know we cannot! It is like we get better and stronger from our co-depend but it is triggered when we are in these type of situations! I feel that I have come a long way because I do not look for someone else to make me ok ever anymore but rather I have stayed grounded with knowing only I can do that!
I must say .....that I slept well last night but that fear triggered of thinking oh no what messages are there or is he outside my door? Did he drop something off on the step again? But NOTHING! It does not surprise me though because he stated yesterday that he is not going to call me, he is not going to bother me but rather he is going to be a good boy and behave because he does not want to lose me" *Sticks finger down my throat* GAG! The child....the game....all part of the hysterics of being an A ....not for me and I will not allow it to get to me eithier.
Thanks once again Magic you are truly a vision of light and have made me look at myself and know that I like where I have been all this time after all that work I have done over the years and I'm not going to allow someone to knock me off the path I chose for myself! ((((Hugs)))
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