Lola23

Hi. So 90+ days today.

Something about this milestone has kicked up something in me and I definitely need to be posting here and sharing at meetings. I don't know if its the stress of last week's travel is still creeping on me, or b/c I know at the end of this week I'm finishing the current project I'm working on so will have some nice downtime. But I can't get the idea of drinking out of my head. I've been waking up with it in fact. And even dreaming about drinking.

Last night was a particularly vivid dream. I was in an airport with hours and hours to kill. And started drinking with some TV star (I think it was Kristin Davis from Sex and the City...weird). We were taking tequila shots and chasing them down with beer. Something I haven't done in years so I don't know why it was that particular drink.

I haven't been sleeping well and haven't been feeling well and I think that is contributing. I think the AV in me is thinking...well if I'm not drinking and I don't feel very good, I might as well drink. Ugh. I hate this feeling and I'm not sure what to do about it besides posting here and sharing in meetings.

People here have asked what I'm doing differently...but honestly, i don't know what to do. I've been going to meetings, working on the steps, talking to my sponsor, trying to stay active at the gym, eating right...what else can I change??

Thanks

tomsteve

that reads like the mental obsession the bb talks about. drove me nuts sometimes.
what worked for me was keeping trust and faith in the program and the people in aa who had been in my shoes that as long as i kept working the steps, the promises of step 10 would happen for me,too.
i had to do some trudging, but they did happen.

90 days is awesome! i still had the mental obsession, but it was deminishing. 90 days was when i realized i drank for about 23 years so giving the program 90 days wasnt quite fair. i decided to give it as many years as i drank before deciding if it was for me.
i have 13 more years before my decision is final, but so far im likin what ive been given.

Soberwolf

I think your doing seriously well your 90 days I'm thrilled for you Lola

Here's a link to maybe give additional ideas

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

90 Days !!!!!

:snow :

ccam1973

Lola, 90 days is fantastic, congratulations. I think you've got to recognize the dreams for what they are, just dreams. Sucks that you are having them, but in the end they are just dreams. Try not to let them feed your AV.

Any time my AV kicks in I play it forward in my mind. I have to bring myself to the point I will be at if I have that first drink. Ultimately I know it will lead me back to where I was and then worse. If I drink, today might be my last day to spend with everything I love in life; most importantly my family.

Great job on posting here when you feel weakness or threatened by your AV.

You're doing great. Take pride in that you have 90 days and stay strong today.

Mountainmanbob

Many of the original AAers also
attended bible studies and church
I'm in agreement with that Program
MM

LBrain

glad you posted lola... congrats on 90 days.

90 days is a sort of magic number. It's about the time it takes to learn and develop new behaviors. It is also about the time that many of us who have spent a life time drinking start to think about drinking again. The proverbial honeymoon is over phase of early sobriety.
This is when it becomes more challenging. The newness of being sober starts to wear off and your determination and exuberance to beat this thing start to fade. Many of us go through this phase.
Do not let up. The dreams, then the thoughts of drinking become a very real temptation. Don't let your guard down

It is at this time that we must renew our resolve to stay as strong as ever. I'm glad you are able to recognize it and to share these thoughts. Make sure you tell your people in person the same thing. It's better to verbalize these feelings than to keep it to yourself and lose to the temptation.

Well Done!

Carver

90 days is fantastic! I'm not too far behing you. I also seem to struggle more on a milestone day. But it hasn't been all that long, so take it easy on yourself; quitting alcohol is not easy for anybody.

Do you feel better for not drinking? I know I do, and that's why I fight my way through the tough days.

Those drinking dreams are a bugger. It's just another sneaky AV trick

tursiops999

Hi Lola, congratulations on 90 days!

I had similar struggles, some at the 90 day point and another batch at 8-9 months. Since you're in AA, perhaps you could look into taking a small service commitment (coffee maker or something?) When everyone talked about service, I thought, 'ya, ya, whatever', but when I actually did some service, I felt so much better and more connected to my sobriety and AA.

The main thing is to keep verbalizing this stuff, sharing with others, and keep it out in the open. The thoughts and dreams will pass!

Nowsthetime

Hi Lola!

Like others said before, the 90 day mark is an important one. At 3 months I was still struggling and my AV spoke to me everyday and all the time but I kept going and ignored it but I always acknowledged it and recognized it for what it was, just thoughts that didn't have to become a reality. I was obsessed about drinking at times but it passed. I came here and posted and that helped.

If YOU don't want to relapse YOU don't have to. Play the tape, use all the tools you have. You did the right thing coming here and posting.

What's going to happen if you drink? How will you feel tomorrow, not only physically but mentally? Remember why you came here?

We are with you and you are strong and are making your life how you want it to be.

This desire will pass Lola, keep your eye on the prize.

Hawk07

Hi Lola,
I remember being on shaky ground around the 3 month mark. That cleared up for me once I really started to take notice of how much better my life was without alcohol. I'm at almost a year now and after a stressful month feeling a little vulnerable again. Anna gave me the great advise to start a journal of what I'm grateful for. Think about all you have achieved sober and make a list of everything, no matter how small you are grateful for that you couldn't/didn't have while drinking.

Melina

Hey Lola, congrats on 90 days!!

Want to hear something weird? From what I've read, Kristin Davis is sober. Of course I don't know her but when you google her and sobriety....

Looks like your subconscious is protecting you from your AV!

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, thank you for posting. The replies are fantastic and they are helping me tremendously.

Keep up the great work!

dwtbd

Have you ever looked into AVRT and making a Big Plan?, there is a lot of info on it in the secular connections here on SR.After the physical withdraw from alcohol has subsided , keeping the resolve to stay quit can be a mindgame , and one you can rig in your favor. A great item to have in your toolbox is the idea that drinking is off the table for good, not an option no matter what.
Making this your default setting is what /can beat the AV into submission and have it slink away. Every time it crops up , and in time it will crop up less and less. Thoughts about drinking, cravings, urges , are just thoughts annoying and aggravating at times but they are just thoughts and have no power to act on their own.
90 days is fantastic, keep it up. Sunshine is the best antiseptic , so good on bringing that AV out into the light and seeing it for the lying sack of crap it is.
On a not so unrelated point, I just had the thought that although I've had 'drinking' dreams, I don't think I've ever had a hungover dream.

Lola23

Thanks all, it does help to read your responses. I know I just have to take drinking off of the table, and despite my working the steps with my sponsor, I think there is still a part of me that believes that "one day" I'll be able to drink normally again. And that thinking is what is feeding the AV big time.

Melina - I think I did read that as well! In fact, I must have somehow glanced at it somewhat recently and that's why it showed up in my dream. Weird how the mind catches things sometimes w/o us even being aware of it.

dwtbd - that's a good point, I don't believe I ever had a hungover dream either.

Dee74

90 days can be a little wobbly lola - long enough to forget the worst horrors of drinking and not yet long enough to see the full benefits of recovery.

Stay the course and keep moving forward - you'll get through this!

D

Venecia

Congrats on 90 days, Lola.

Did you know Kristen Davis has been in recovery for many years? She's a sis-tah.

Saylor

" I think there is still a part of me that believes that "one day" I'll be able to drink normally again. " If part of your brain has that thought, unfortunately, your not done...it will win...

kamm

I disagree. It's just a thought. That thought will not make her hand bring a drink to her lips.

Congratulations on 90 days lola! Keep your tools handy and stay vigilant. Add extra meetings if needed. Hang around here and keep ralkin to us. Above all don't pick up that drink.
Hugs
Kamm

catchmeifucan

I applause your strength. It is never easy. Seems life is putting a few obstacles on your way. Dreams can be great, sometimes not so. Don't dwell on them. Subconscious is an odd thing. Your are doing awesome. keep it up.

jezza

AAAAhhhhhh the dreams!!! Had one last night, finding empty vodka bottles around the hose, some of them half full!! Was I tempted to drink some, actually, NO!! & that was in my dream... That's a first as I have had drinking dreams in the past where I did drink & woke up with a hangover!! BIZARRE.. You just have to remember it's just a dream... No reason to feel guilty or bad about yourself... They will pass... 90+ days is great.. WELL DONE...Keep it up!!

tomsteve

MORE ABOUT ALCOHOLISM

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.


ya have the power of choice today to either believe the thoughts or look at your past and see if theres any truth to the thought that you can drink normally, which since youre here and in aa......