Day One...AGAIN...and again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: melbourne
Posts: 6
Day One...AGAIN...and again
I found myself back at SR today after waking up from a two day hangover and really realizing that for the past twelve months my drinking has gotten progressively out of control. I have known for many years that I have a 'problem', I have even made pronouncements here on SR that my 30s would be booze-free. Well I'm 33 now and my tolerance has only gone up. After many "breaks" that last a few weeks, or sometimes even a month or more, the wine glass seems to find itself back in my hand...or am I back in ITS hands?? I am starting to deeply understand how much power booze has over me. Perhaps these truncated sober periods and relapses are actually beneficial in helping me finally GET IT. I cant drink alcohol, at all. Period. It overrides all my rational faculties and before I know it I'm opening my THIRD bottle of wine...by myself...on a Tuesday afternoon, drunkenly dialing my parents... hours lost to a blackout void that my brain cant recall but some other part of me does and feeeeels that shame. Yikes
I have spent the better part of the past three months convalescing in bed after a terrible ACL/MCL knee injury (NOT alcohol-related, oddly enough) and drinking up a private storm. Also, my husband and I are separated but still living together under the same roof. I think that my recent drinking behavior is a way to block out the pain and disappointment of my failing marriage, as well as the boredom from being physically incapacitated. Alcohol is an excellent time-vortex, it can just suck up days into blurry oblivion...
I think I am at a profound tipping point in my life. My health is still strong and any physical and mental damage I have done can be repaired. Some relationships are damaged by my drinking, but not in a way that is too far gone to repair...yet. I am not in financial or legal trouble, although I know my bank account would be much happier with a sober owner. I have no children, I am only really hurting myself at this point. I've managed to keep my drinking problem mostly private, like a sneaky sneaky boozehound becomes sooo good at doing. Perhaps 'coming clean' with family and friends would help keep me accountable? Actually, they probably already know, I doubt I'm as good an actor as I think I am!
I'm also thinking about meetings, or outpatient treatment. I've always tread the sober road alone, even more solitary than my private drinking. I think now might be the time to actually get some proper medical assistance, so I can lead a sober LIFE, not just a sober summer.
I'm going to come back onto SR more regularly and connect with the community here!
I have spent the better part of the past three months convalescing in bed after a terrible ACL/MCL knee injury (NOT alcohol-related, oddly enough) and drinking up a private storm. Also, my husband and I are separated but still living together under the same roof. I think that my recent drinking behavior is a way to block out the pain and disappointment of my failing marriage, as well as the boredom from being physically incapacitated. Alcohol is an excellent time-vortex, it can just suck up days into blurry oblivion...
I think I am at a profound tipping point in my life. My health is still strong and any physical and mental damage I have done can be repaired. Some relationships are damaged by my drinking, but not in a way that is too far gone to repair...yet. I am not in financial or legal trouble, although I know my bank account would be much happier with a sober owner. I have no children, I am only really hurting myself at this point. I've managed to keep my drinking problem mostly private, like a sneaky sneaky boozehound becomes sooo good at doing. Perhaps 'coming clean' with family and friends would help keep me accountable? Actually, they probably already know, I doubt I'm as good an actor as I think I am!
I'm also thinking about meetings, or outpatient treatment. I've always tread the sober road alone, even more solitary than my private drinking. I think now might be the time to actually get some proper medical assistance, so I can lead a sober LIFE, not just a sober summer.
I'm going to come back onto SR more regularly and connect with the community here!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 1,053
Welcome Clear. The booze may help the days go by but so what? That's the problem booze tells us that it's all about making the time go by so we don't have to feel or experience anything. Is that anyway to live?
Good for you for seeing that it is something you need to address and welcome
Good for you for seeing that it is something you need to address and welcome
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Newcastle, UK
Posts: 32
Welcome.
Some of what you wrote could be me writing about myself. It's the wine that leaves me unarmoured; I enjoy the taste of that first glass and can almost convince myself I'm a 'normal' person and put it away for another time. Then the effects kick in (I've been choosing wine that is 12/13 per cent) and I lose all rationality. Next think I'm gazing at an empty bottle, two if I'm really binging, in a drunken haze. The next day my anxiety kicks in, the shame overrides every other cognitive function and I long to shut my blackout curtains, to hide from the world. Yet because I've been going up to a week between these binges I've become an expert at convincing myself it's not problematic.
I, too, am going through a separation and living in the same house as my husband and I also have no children. However, from your post it seems you have had a moment of intense clarity and have released that you, as I am, are in a fortunate position not to have landed yourself in any big trouble yet. We can still have a fulfilling, rewarding life and turn this s**t around! We just need to not drink today, each day.
I started by speaking to my mother and sister, getting my concerns out but asking them to please not tell me their own concerns in vivid detail (I have also drunk-dialled them, probably many times) as I want to move on and embrace a life of sobriety. They have been supportive and they informed my dad.
I then began posting on here and I attended my first ever AA meeting last night. It was overwhelming to sit in a room, face-to-face with 11 other people who have all lived with this wonder about how they are so different, how is it that they cannot drink like others and find that 'off switch'. It is totally anonymous in that you won't have to sign a register; you may be asked your name out of politeness but that's all. If you hate it, you never have to go again. I don't know a great deal about alcohol services such as counselling but 90 per cent of the people in the room last night have tried working with professionals who were lovely, kindly and as empathetic as possible but the bottom line is that they have not been through those problems themselves.
Hope this helps a little, sorry for rambling!
Some of what you wrote could be me writing about myself. It's the wine that leaves me unarmoured; I enjoy the taste of that first glass and can almost convince myself I'm a 'normal' person and put it away for another time. Then the effects kick in (I've been choosing wine that is 12/13 per cent) and I lose all rationality. Next think I'm gazing at an empty bottle, two if I'm really binging, in a drunken haze. The next day my anxiety kicks in, the shame overrides every other cognitive function and I long to shut my blackout curtains, to hide from the world. Yet because I've been going up to a week between these binges I've become an expert at convincing myself it's not problematic.
I, too, am going through a separation and living in the same house as my husband and I also have no children. However, from your post it seems you have had a moment of intense clarity and have released that you, as I am, are in a fortunate position not to have landed yourself in any big trouble yet. We can still have a fulfilling, rewarding life and turn this s**t around! We just need to not drink today, each day.
I started by speaking to my mother and sister, getting my concerns out but asking them to please not tell me their own concerns in vivid detail (I have also drunk-dialled them, probably many times) as I want to move on and embrace a life of sobriety. They have been supportive and they informed my dad.
I then began posting on here and I attended my first ever AA meeting last night. It was overwhelming to sit in a room, face-to-face with 11 other people who have all lived with this wonder about how they are so different, how is it that they cannot drink like others and find that 'off switch'. It is totally anonymous in that you won't have to sign a register; you may be asked your name out of politeness but that's all. If you hate it, you never have to go again. I don't know a great deal about alcohol services such as counselling but 90 per cent of the people in the room last night have tried working with professionals who were lovely, kindly and as empathetic as possible but the bottom line is that they have not been through those problems themselves.
Hope this helps a little, sorry for rambling!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
Welcome back, Clear! I couldn't beat my alcohol addiction by myself no matter how hard I tried. Although all options had seeming drawbacks, it took them all to help me get past a year sober. Stay focused and do whatever it takes - you'll thank yourself more times than you can count.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Hi clear82: Early recovery is really hard. If I were you I would work on diminishing the mental obsession you have with alcohol. The actual cravings go away pretty quickly, but the obsession is still there. You need to get a recovery plan in place and arm yourself with a toolbox which you will go to the next time you have the urge to go purchase those three bottles of wine. You have to go through it. You can't skirt around this issue you are having. It's hard as hell, but it is attainable. I wish you luck clear82!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 198
Hi clear I think Dee is right to get a plan.
Also, my husband and I are separated but still living together under the same roof. I think that my recent drinking behavior is a way to block out the pain and disappointment of my failing marriage, as well as the boredom from being physically incapacitated.
This poor old me Is not helping-take responsibility Hun. Xx
Also, my husband and I are separated but still living together under the same roof. I think that my recent drinking behavior is a way to block out the pain and disappointment of my failing marriage, as well as the boredom from being physically incapacitated.
This poor old me Is not helping-take responsibility Hun. Xx
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