Interesting Place, SR
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Interesting Place, SR
Hello Everyone
I am new so thought it appropriate to introduce myself. I have been at the abstinence/recovery thing for a long time. Longest period sober, 2 years. I obviously have much to learn. I consider myself a thinking, analyzing person. Both a benefit and a deficit when it comes to recovery. While I have a decent amount of knowledge about SUD, it is just that knowledge that can trip me up. Overthinking and analyzing everything when I believe the root of recovery is surrender. Acknowledging that I am addicted to alcohol and cannot control it, no matter what, is pretty easy. Its that surrender, complete and total, that eludes me. I know that with alcohol my life will be miserable, yet I return to it with that full knowledge. I'm not sure how long I've been sober now, a few months. Of course life is much better.
I believe what I am really grappling with right now is this sort of basic understanding that I simply cannot have relationships. I am a parent and have a marvelous connection with my child. But beyond that I simply can't be 'normal' enough to continue to connect with other humans long term. I can 'fake it' for a while but eventually the stress of wearing masks (something I don't know how NOT to do) just wears me down. The anxiety becomes overwhelming and I either run from the person, or I drink and blow up the relationship. I think I understand the psychology on a clinical level, but its the 'heart' of this that I can't wrap my mind around. Don't be scared of this, but I relate to the main character on Dexter. No not the sociopath part, but the fact that he's always trying to figure out how to fit in. How to understand what 'normal' is. He is forever watching and analyzing the actions of other human animals and how he compares to them, or doesn't. He prefers solitude and quiet. As do I. I am not far in the series yet but I sense he is really deeply lonely but doesn't know how to connect to that sense. Now I do have deep feelings, but I don't know how to understand them. They baffle me and frighten me. I guess that is why connecting to others challenges me so much because I feel, get terribly anxious and must abort mission.
Well, yes I'm weird. But I think much of this is at the core of my drinking. AA is not an option for me because, well, there's all that connection. I recently ended a relationship of two years with a man I thought I deeply loved. I thought I was being genuinely me....but realized after a couple of months that that was not true. But as a deeply codependent person I denied this fact and tried to become whatever I thought he wanted me to be. Turns out he's a bit of a covert narcissist...so the dance of the NPI and Codi began and the relationship almost killed me and ended up in flames. So deeply sad. I just think I will never be able to connect with anyone, ever. In some ways that provides tremendous relief. But then I think, that's not normal. Or is it?
I am new so thought it appropriate to introduce myself. I have been at the abstinence/recovery thing for a long time. Longest period sober, 2 years. I obviously have much to learn. I consider myself a thinking, analyzing person. Both a benefit and a deficit when it comes to recovery. While I have a decent amount of knowledge about SUD, it is just that knowledge that can trip me up. Overthinking and analyzing everything when I believe the root of recovery is surrender. Acknowledging that I am addicted to alcohol and cannot control it, no matter what, is pretty easy. Its that surrender, complete and total, that eludes me. I know that with alcohol my life will be miserable, yet I return to it with that full knowledge. I'm not sure how long I've been sober now, a few months. Of course life is much better.
I believe what I am really grappling with right now is this sort of basic understanding that I simply cannot have relationships. I am a parent and have a marvelous connection with my child. But beyond that I simply can't be 'normal' enough to continue to connect with other humans long term. I can 'fake it' for a while but eventually the stress of wearing masks (something I don't know how NOT to do) just wears me down. The anxiety becomes overwhelming and I either run from the person, or I drink and blow up the relationship. I think I understand the psychology on a clinical level, but its the 'heart' of this that I can't wrap my mind around. Don't be scared of this, but I relate to the main character on Dexter. No not the sociopath part, but the fact that he's always trying to figure out how to fit in. How to understand what 'normal' is. He is forever watching and analyzing the actions of other human animals and how he compares to them, or doesn't. He prefers solitude and quiet. As do I. I am not far in the series yet but I sense he is really deeply lonely but doesn't know how to connect to that sense. Now I do have deep feelings, but I don't know how to understand them. They baffle me and frighten me. I guess that is why connecting to others challenges me so much because I feel, get terribly anxious and must abort mission.
Well, yes I'm weird. But I think much of this is at the core of my drinking. AA is not an option for me because, well, there's all that connection. I recently ended a relationship of two years with a man I thought I deeply loved. I thought I was being genuinely me....but realized after a couple of months that that was not true. But as a deeply codependent person I denied this fact and tried to become whatever I thought he wanted me to be. Turns out he's a bit of a covert narcissist...so the dance of the NPI and Codi began and the relationship almost killed me and ended up in flames. So deeply sad. I just think I will never be able to connect with anyone, ever. In some ways that provides tremendous relief. But then I think, that's not normal. Or is it?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Hi, I think a lot of us here struggle with relationships for many reasons. I also think that being sober makes a big difference in a relationship. Often, people you felt you enjoyed while drinking, are not so interesting when you're sober.
I'm not an AA person either, and I have depended upon books and SR to guide me through recovery.
I'm not an AA person either, and I have depended upon books and SR to guide me through recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,697
Welcome to SR! I can relate on many levels. Sober then relapse. Still trying to figure who I am. Takes time. I too hate faking and going through the motions. Part of life we must all learn to deal with.
Dexter is a great show. Goes downhill after the John Lithgow season. Spoiler alert.
Dexter is a great show. Goes downhill after the John Lithgow season. Spoiler alert.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Suggest finding a group hobby.
For me, it is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
The stress, the interaction, the information etc attaches to my human nature.
Besides the fact that I am in better shape and now have self defense skills, I can't be a drunk doing it.
Also, there are a lot of like minded, future friends in class..
For me, it is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
The stress, the interaction, the information etc attaches to my human nature.
Besides the fact that I am in better shape and now have self defense skills, I can't be a drunk doing it.
Also, there are a lot of like minded, future friends in class..
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
That sounds familiar.
Not feeling like I fit it. Thinking I'm weird. Really strong feelings that I don't know what to do with. Don't know how to wear masks, but feeling like I'm supposed to. Trying to figure out or guess at what normal behaviour is. Trouble having relationships with people. Over-analyzing/complicating everything.
For a while, drinking helped me out with all that until it didn't.
And that's when I found I found out that AA is full of people like me.
Welcome to SR!
Not feeling like I fit it. Thinking I'm weird. Really strong feelings that I don't know what to do with. Don't know how to wear masks, but feeling like I'm supposed to. Trying to figure out or guess at what normal behaviour is. Trouble having relationships with people. Over-analyzing/complicating everything.
For a while, drinking helped me out with all that until it didn't.
And that's when I found I found out that AA is full of people like me.
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
Welcome!
Just to say you have at least one sort of kindred spirit here. I could have written much of your post (were I able to write so well).
I share the qualities of … hmmm… Over-reliance on analysis? Disconnection? Inability to achieve an integrated authentic self? “Weirdness?” Inability to escape relating to others by incessantly watching, analyzing, and comparing? Inability to have relationships (my last one was in the 20th Century)?
Anyway, I have nothing really profound to say about that and couldn't articulate it if I did, but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in your uniqueness
I will say, however, that I did finally get completely free of the obsession (often expressed as a need to over-analyze) with alcohol. And yes, the key for me was complete and total surrender. It was, as they say, a paradigm shift. I finally really and truly wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink.
If I could do it, I’m sure you can too!
Oh, and after several years around here, I’ve never seen the acronym SUD, and it’s not on Anna’s acronym sticky list. What does it stand for?
Just to say you have at least one sort of kindred spirit here. I could have written much of your post (were I able to write so well).
I share the qualities of … hmmm… Over-reliance on analysis? Disconnection? Inability to achieve an integrated authentic self? “Weirdness?” Inability to escape relating to others by incessantly watching, analyzing, and comparing? Inability to have relationships (my last one was in the 20th Century)?
Anyway, I have nothing really profound to say about that and couldn't articulate it if I did, but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in your uniqueness
I will say, however, that I did finally get completely free of the obsession (often expressed as a need to over-analyze) with alcohol. And yes, the key for me was complete and total surrender. It was, as they say, a paradigm shift. I finally really and truly wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink.
If I could do it, I’m sure you can too!
Oh, and after several years around here, I’ve never seen the acronym SUD, and it’s not on Anna’s acronym sticky list. What does it stand for?
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Welcome to the forum
Normal is a funny term, dontcha ya think? It may just be a great white whale I never read Moby Dick but I get the impression spending too much time and effort trying to catch the thing, doesn't end well for the getter. Anyway, wish you well, and hope to see you around
Normal is a funny term, dontcha ya think? It may just be a great white whale I never read Moby Dick but I get the impression spending too much time and effort trying to catch the thing, doesn't end well for the getter. Anyway, wish you well, and hope to see you around
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by Anna 
Hi, I think a lot of us here struggle with relationships for many reasons. I also think that being sober makes a big difference in a relationship. Often, people you felt you enjoyed while drinking, are not so interesting when you're sober.
I'm not an AA person either, and I have depended upon books and SR to guide me through recovery.
I'm not an AA person either, and I have depended upon books and SR to guide me through recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by letitgo
Welcome to SR! I can relate on many levels. Sober then relapse. Still trying to figure who I am. Takes time. I too hate faking and going through the motions. Part of life we must all learn to deal with.
Dexter is a great show. Goes downhill after the John Lithgow season. Spoiler alert.
Dexter is a great show. Goes downhill after the John Lithgow season. Spoiler alert.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by D122y
Suggest finding a group hobby.
For me, it is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
The stress, the interaction, the information etc attaches to my human nature.
Besides the fact that I am in better shape and now have self defense skills, I can't be a drunk doing it.
Also, there are a lot of like minded, future friends in class..
For me, it is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
The stress, the interaction, the information etc attaches to my human nature.
Besides the fact that I am in better shape and now have self defense skills, I can't be a drunk doing it.
Also, there are a lot of like minded, future friends in class..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by Andante
Welcome!
Just to say you have at least one sort of kindred spirit here. I could have written much of your post (were I able to write so well).
I share the qualities of … hmmm… Over-reliance on analysis? Disconnection? Inability to achieve an integrated authentic self? “Weirdness?” Inability to escape relating to others by incessantly watching, analyzing, and comparing? Inability to have relationships (my last one was in the 20th Century)?
Anyway, I have nothing really profound to say about that and couldn't articulate it if I did, but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in your uniqueness
I will say, however, that I did finally get completely free of the obsession (often expressed as a need to over-analyze) with alcohol. And yes, the key for me was complete and total surrender. It was, as they say, a paradigm shift. I finally really and truly wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink.
If I could do it, I’m sure you can too!
Oh, and after several years around here, I’ve never seen the acronym SUD, and it’s not on Anna’s acronym sticky list. What does it stand for?
Just to say you have at least one sort of kindred spirit here. I could have written much of your post (were I able to write so well).
I share the qualities of … hmmm… Over-reliance on analysis? Disconnection? Inability to achieve an integrated authentic self? “Weirdness?” Inability to escape relating to others by incessantly watching, analyzing, and comparing? Inability to have relationships (my last one was in the 20th Century)?
Anyway, I have nothing really profound to say about that and couldn't articulate it if I did, but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in your uniqueness
I will say, however, that I did finally get completely free of the obsession (often expressed as a need to over-analyze) with alcohol. And yes, the key for me was complete and total surrender. It was, as they say, a paradigm shift. I finally really and truly wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink.
If I could do it, I’m sure you can too!
Oh, and after several years around here, I’ve never seen the acronym SUD, and it’s not on Anna’s acronym sticky list. What does it stand for?
SUD is substance use disorder...kind of a generic, clinical term for addiction as a mental illness...which I believe is a component of the condition.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by dwtbd
Welcome to the forum
Normal is a funny term, dontcha ya think? It may just be a great white whale I never read Moby Dick but I get the impression spending too much time and effort trying to catch the thing, doesn't end well for the getter. Anyway, wish you well, and hope to see you around
Normal is a funny term, dontcha ya think? It may just be a great white whale I never read Moby Dick but I get the impression spending too much time and effort trying to catch the thing, doesn't end well for the getter. Anyway, wish you well, and hope to see you around
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by Joanne B
That sounds familiar.
Not feeling like I fit it. Thinking I'm weird. Really strong feelings that I don't know what to do with. Don't know how to wear masks, but feeling like I'm supposed to. Trying to figure out or guess at what normal behaviour is. Trouble having relationships with people. Over-analyzing/complicating everything.
For a while, drinking helped me out with all that until it didn't.
And that's when I found I found out that AA is full of people like me.
Welcome to SR!
Not feeling like I fit it. Thinking I'm weird. Really strong feelings that I don't know what to do with. Don't know how to wear masks, but feeling like I'm supposed to. Trying to figure out or guess at what normal behaviour is. Trouble having relationships with people. Over-analyzing/complicating everything.
For a while, drinking helped me out with all that until it didn't.
And that's when I found I found out that AA is full of people like me.
Welcome to SR!
I am happy that you have found your solution in the 12 steps and fellowship of AA. I have much respect for the program and have spent many hours in meetings. I have learned much that I use everyday....just a recipe for helping me live life. The fellowships are not for me but the 'program' is an excellent tool for uncovering, discovering and discarding unhealthy thoughts and feelings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by soberwolf
Welcome Flick
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
"Overthinking and analyzing everything when I believe the root of recovery is surrender. "
Welcome.
I never considered the root of recovery as "surrender".
Perhaps this is a more secular way to recovery.
I didn't use AA or any other group recovery. Recognizing I had a problem was the beginning. The realizing that without a sober foundation my life had no stability. Until the mind set is rewired, it is easy to fall back into old routines.
Besides, alcoholism is highly illogical.
Welcome.
I never considered the root of recovery as "surrender".
Perhaps this is a more secular way to recovery.
I didn't use AA or any other group recovery. Recognizing I had a problem was the beginning. The realizing that without a sober foundation my life had no stability. Until the mind set is rewired, it is easy to fall back into old routines.
Besides, alcoholism is highly illogical.
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