entropy1964

Hi resolute
Thank you for your welcome. Yes alcoholism is highly illogical isn't it? Sounds like something my highly logical, normie ex would say to me. I guess that's what makes it so difficult to conquer. Why so many lives are destroyed.....that's the baffling part isn't it?

Yes one certainly can't change a problem one doesn't acknowlege...that would be the acceptance part. And yes, the first step. Surrender is giving up the fight to try to control alcohol, or anything outside of myself. Surrender is neither secular or religious. It's a complete acknowledgement that alcohol and I cannot exist together.....if that makes any sense. Without that surrender all the treatment, therapy and coping mechanisms will just be band aides. They stay on for a while but eventually loose their adhesive quality.

entropy1964

Thank YOU BBB.

entropy1964

Wow! There is so much to read here. I look forward to knowing folks better and getting more caught up. Not sure that will ever happen.

My little girl starts high school on Monday. I can't believe it. In just four years she'll be off to Uni and I'll be solo. I've really been thinking about what next. Since I am now broken off from a man I completely thought I would marry, life seems so undefined. In a way, that's exciting. And also a bit, um, vague I guess.

I feel stupid posting this because there's no recovery talk. I'm so sick of digging into my 'issues'. Been doing that for years. Digging, burying, digging again, burying deeper. I'm just done with that. Is this really as simple as just not drinking? If it is, why do so many fail? Some of the traumas that I have experienced are just not things one 'gets over'. I just have to let them go, and I think I have. I have no desire to drink. The only time I get anything that resembles a craving it's because I'm hungry. Eat. Gone. I think it's the intense feelings that get me every time. I think that's why I need to hide from relationships or too much human interaction. Humans equal emotion. Emotion equals fear and pain. Fear and pain equal drinking. God I'm being childish.
Thanks for all the welcoming words.

On The Road

Hi Frickaflip. I totally identify with you in so many ways. I, too, am much more comfortable being with myself and not the group. I can remember second grade clearly, sitting on the curb at recess watching everyone play and fight and run around, wondering how all those kids were completely at ease entwining themselves into the madness and I really had no clue what to do.

I also tend to analyze (maybe OVER-analyze at times) things. This of course has been a root cause of my anxiety - which in turn - acts as a trigger for me to drink. It's not THE reason I drink, but certainly one main offender. So I've been working very hard in therapy (one-on-one - the group thing freaks me out) on living today, reflecting on last week - things I did well; things I could do better, and glancing forward only until tomorrow - setting priorities for things I need to do. I've found that if I give myself an eight day window to puzzle about with, I can satisfy my analytical nature, learn some things about myself, and then, MOST importantly, do something with that knowledge to improve things. For me, the action step has been the secret for my new life.

Anyhow, I could easily prattle on here. . . Just know this, odd is the new normal for me, and I wouldn't change a thing. I hope you continue using your unique gifts to celebrate sober living.

Dee74

The great thing about SR is that there's always someone who 'gets' you, and always lots of people who accept you for who and what you are

Welcome

D

Debbie329

As dee said.....I get you, relationships have always been difficult for me. I get attached to the wrong people. I've decided it's in my best interest at this critical juncture not to date. I've been told it's not normal by someone who wants to date me. Being sober is my priority. My well being is my priority. I'm just doin me right now. Why not for now focus on you and your children....everyone else can wait.

Upwardspiral

Fwiw, Fricka, I identify with your desire to avoid human contact to protect your sobriety. At 34 days that's pretty much where I am. I don't have a partner or children, and I live alone. I do customer service and I find 40 hours a week of that more than enough. I know eventually it is in my best interest to connect with a few people with whom I can really open up and share all that stuff that accumulates inside, though some of it is pretty scary. It's important for us to see that stuff in others too so we don't feel so weird and alone.
I think being alone for awhile is okay, though, if it's easier to cope with a lot of unearthed emotions without the old crutch. And SR is always here for us

letitgo

MelindaFlowers

I was incapable of maintaining healthy relationships when I was drinking alcohol. Now that I'm sober I am capable of maintaining healthy relationships.

Get rid of the alcohol first. Worry about the relationships second.

I am thinking of the quote from Field of Dreams, "If you build it, they will come."

D122y

I plan on running again soon. Just joined a club and they have an indoor track. I stopped about 20 years ago because I almost got assaulted by a group of thugs. It was awkward.

I tried yoga a couple of times. I do like it. Stretching and breathing a certain way. Amazing fun.

Love your thread.

entropy1964

Good morning SR
I still don't know if I'm posting correctly but I'll figure it out eventually.

Ugh my dogs are barking, brb. Ok. Its a good sober morning. Weather is starting to turn, even though we have smoke in the air from fires. Always this time of year....somehow the smoke makes it 'seem' hotter during the day. Yuck. I'm going to do my beloved hot yoga this morning. I really think that yoga is one of the best practices for my recovery. It doesn't have to be hot, but that's the way I like it. I recommend it to anyone who wants some physical activity that also includes meditation.

I still have a very heavy heart with respect to the ending of my relationship. On the one level, I thought I'd never be here...on another, I knew I always would. I have to force myself not to go down the mental spiral of negative thinking. Just accept the loss and move on. Gosh I just feel so bad about my part in things. Right now I know that any kind of apology will go unheard...as all the previous apologies have. And quite honestly, I don't want to apologize. There were many aspects of the relationship that were not healthy and I don't own all of that. What I own was my reaction to it. As a codie I tried to manipulate and change things in order to 'get' what I needed. Rather than simply ask for what I needed. Argh. Hindsight. And when all that 'work' of trying to finness what I needed didn't work? I got angry. No, furious. That's when all he!! broke loose. I guess the good news is I see now what happened. But I'm baffled as how I could be so blind. And how I could make the same mistakes AGAIN. He is a narcissist, I'm a codie. What a mess. I can never do this again. Maybe someday I'll be able to make an amends to him that will have meaning and value for both of us. But for now, its no contact. There are times when I feel better, then something will happen, a thought, a trigger, and I'm so sad. Ugh. Wahhh poor me. Thanks for listening.

entropy1964

Thank you On the Road. It helps to know you can relate. And I understand what you mean about feeling left out as a kid. I actually remember little of my childhood...except the feeling of being left out in my own family. I thought having no memories before 14 was normal....I mean, I have a few. It wasn't until counseling that I realized that wasn't quite right. I was abused a bit as a kid and I was told that might be why. I remember some high school and then its all pretty clear after 18....except for the alcohol induced memory loss.

That is great that counseling is helping you. I was just thinking this morning that I can't be therapized, or 12 stepped sober. I've tried everything. I think for me, at this point, I just have to accept that I can never drink. Maybe in the future, more counseling. I have GAD and PTSD and mindfulness is incredibly helpful. I also have learned to really listen to my body....what I'm feeling physically and where. I don't trust my mind or my own feelings and have learned to ignore my body. Now I listen to it. My body always tells me when something isn't right....don't know if that makes sense.

entropy1964

Thanks Debbie. I don't know how long you've been sober but it is a good idea, for sure, to wait on dating for as long as it takes. AA says a year but I think its more individual than that. I waited over a year. The problem is, I created me...as I always do. I didn't accept what was already there. I created a very elaborate mask that I thought was me. Then I connected with my usual: Alpha, controlling male. And this one has covert narcissistic tendencies. And away we went. Now, I have to say, he's a good man, he just has issues. Just as I'm a good woman, I just have issues. The difference is, I know I do. He will not acknowledge any wrong doing....of course, that's the NPI running the show. But I can't change him. And yes, no dating...maybe never. But ask me in a year or two...somehow that loneliness always takes hole

entropy1964

Hi upwardspiral. Yes I agree. For now its lone wolf for me. I do have my daughter, and her Girl Scouts (ugh. nope smile!), yoga. I have been going to the occassional AA meeting, for the fellowship. I started some counseling but realized I've done enough for now. So I'm with ya....this is where I'll connect for now. Congrats on your sober time.

entropy1964

Thanks Melinda and you are absolutely right. I actually did get rid of the alcohol...turns out I didn't get rid of the codependency and for me they go together...one feeds the other. I'm a weird drinker. For the last 12 years I've had far more 'dry' time than drunk: 9 months, 2 weeks drinking, 1 year, few weeks drinking, 6 months, few weeks drinking, 2 years, few months drinking. You get the gist. That's not exact by the way but that's how I roll. I know I can't handle alcohol. I don't even try to fool myself...I just give up. No excuse for that. I don't want that anymore. So that surrender is what I'm really working on....and I have to do this without any distractions. And I hope I've learned much from this past relationship...about myself..what to do and what not to do. But I have no desire to test it. Right now its focus on my daughter and on me.

entropy1964

Hi D122. I'm glad the thread is useful. Good on your for starting running. I have a treadmill at home, and I belong to a gym, so I rarely run outside. Gosh that must have terrified you to almost get jumped. Sheesh. I walk my dogs outside but doubtful anyone would trouble me with them (even though I'm sure I could be held at gunpoint and the dogs would wag there tails and try to lick the gunman to death). I don't run a huge amount, maybe 15 miles a week, but it always feels good. The yoga is amazing and there are all different types. The hot yoga I do is quite strenuous...based on Vinyasa and Ashtanga. It is the best training for my running. I think the general perception is that yoga is not aerobic...which is somewhat true for very beginner yoga. But there are forms that are quite vigorous.
Thank you for your message...now its time to get ready for yoga. Have a great day. Coming here is really truly helping me right now.

entropy1964

Hi everyone
I don't know why I'm posting. Just feel like keeping note of my day. It was much better than yesterday. I was so down. The end of my relationship still creeps up on me and makes me sad. Deeply sad. But that will fade over time, I know.
I have to remember when I wake up to not pop out of bed. But to lay there for a few minutes, notice myself, notice the day. Set my intention so to speak. Be mindful. Seems silly but it helps me so much...just kind of centers me.
The next few months should be peaceful. No ugly relationship issues. Hopefully no more trips to help my ailing parents for a while. Just my daughter and I. Our routine. Peace and healthy living. Just writing that makes me smile.
Then Hawaii in December. Now that will not be bad! Darn it. Why'd I have all those chocolate covered almonds? Ok, tomorrow, no sugar. Yeah right. I dream more about sugar when I quit than I do alcohol. I dream of chocolate cake....

Tooshabby

Bump

Hi Frickaflip. Just read your intro and thought I would welcome you too. Have you thought about joining the August class? It's a nice way of getting to know a group of people on SR, get some support and camaraderie, and is entirely stress free! I really admire your honesty and generous spirit.

entropy1964

Hi Tooshabby
What a coincidence that you bumped this thread because I thought about posting in it this AM. I was wanting to keep my 'journey' kind of alive but then I didn't really have much to say about what's going on. Same thing, different day really.
Thanks so much for the welcome. I have not joined the August thread cause I didn't get sober in August. But I guess I'll join and see if its ok.

entropy1964

I tried to locate the Class of August thread but was unable to find the beginning of it and am a bit confused. Can anyone help me?