A poem
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Posts: 654
A poem
Was always stronger with prose than poetry and this probably needs some editing still. Just wanted to start building my writing muscles as well as my sober muscles. It is the one great love I know preceded my drinking days. Thought I would share it with you all. I hope people like it. It also has no name so if you have any ideas let me know.
These are the promises.
These are the lies.
These are the reasons.
For haunted red eyes.
This is not freedom. The cage door slams.
Shattered morning. Begging, crying, for release.
Destruction of body, tearing of mind.
Hazy hurting, never a whisper of peace.
Fun spirals into tears, into anger, regret.
Acted a fool. Caused such pain, feel such shame.
Disgusting beast, grasping for more.
Forgetting 'never again' always ends the same
But still she whispers.
Cruel clinging mistress.
She is who I am.
I am hers to posses.
We can share a little time my sweet.
Who are you anyway? without me?
We can dwell together from time to time.
It will be different now. You will see.
Look how everyone is my good friend.
Why should only you miss out?
You were broken then, you are better now.
Live a little and banish doubt.
These are the promises.
These are the lies.
Such pretty stories.
Such deceptive disguise.
Demanding my attention all of the time.
Losing sight of what is her, what is me.
Broken, broke, lost, terrified, alone.
It is never different. Never. Now I see.
A new low revealed every broken dawn.
STOP! STOP! STOP! GET OUT!
You are the one who breaks me.
You are the weaver of self doubt.
But still she whispers.
Still she tries.
Her only power.
Is in her lies.
Truth is in the sweating shaking wreck.
The broken lives and loves, the pain.
The pounding head, the forever lost days.
The wretched self loathing rising again.
Though she still whispers.
I see right through.
You hold no truth.
I am not you.
But still she whispers.
…........
Oh yes! You have tonight, you can be free.
Clasp tight to your prize, your liquid release.
Take this gift of happiness, embrace oblivion.
Dull out the hurt. I offer you peace.
What a fantastic time we will have together.
Don't you feel amazing, don't you want more?
Such an adorable lush you are. Such fun.
Black out the future, drown what came before.
Clasp tight to your prize, your liquid release.
Take this gift of happiness, embrace oblivion.
Dull out the hurt. I offer you peace.
What a fantastic time we will have together.
Don't you feel amazing, don't you want more?
Such an adorable lush you are. Such fun.
Black out the future, drown what came before.
These are the promises.
These are the lies.
These are the reasons.
For haunted red eyes.
This is not freedom. The cage door slams.
Shattered morning. Begging, crying, for release.
Destruction of body, tearing of mind.
Hazy hurting, never a whisper of peace.
Fun spirals into tears, into anger, regret.
Acted a fool. Caused such pain, feel such shame.
Disgusting beast, grasping for more.
Forgetting 'never again' always ends the same
But still she whispers.
Cruel clinging mistress.
She is who I am.
I am hers to posses.
We can share a little time my sweet.
Who are you anyway? without me?
We can dwell together from time to time.
It will be different now. You will see.
Look how everyone is my good friend.
Why should only you miss out?
You were broken then, you are better now.
Live a little and banish doubt.
These are the promises.
These are the lies.
Such pretty stories.
Such deceptive disguise.
Demanding my attention all of the time.
Losing sight of what is her, what is me.
Broken, broke, lost, terrified, alone.
It is never different. Never. Now I see.
A new low revealed every broken dawn.
STOP! STOP! STOP! GET OUT!
You are the one who breaks me.
You are the weaver of self doubt.
But still she whispers.
Still she tries.
Her only power.
Is in her lies.
Truth is in the sweating shaking wreck.
The broken lives and loves, the pain.
The pounding head, the forever lost days.
The wretched self loathing rising again.
Though she still whispers.
I see right through.
You hold no truth.
I am not you.
But still she whispers.
…........
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 654
And on a lighter note. Sorry to everyone missed I could only manage to squish a few in but you are all just as special it just would have been huge.
Tip out the tipple
Tarry here for a while
Share ups and downs
The tears and a smile
Ride a sober weekend bus
Seek out the great Dee
He will thank you most often
And tell you he's free
Pet the wolf gently
He will add to your plan
Ask anyone here
They will tell you, You Can
Now we aren't too shabby
For a better life we strive
A free owl can say
600 days, still alive
Troy has his walls up
But there is nothing to fear
If its a Greek with a horsey
Maybe steer clear
The true art of friendship
Lies in these threads
Standing together
Facing all dreads
We are not locked in cages
We all have the key
We just have to grasp it
Open eyes, see
So lets grab some ice cream
Or take a long run
Bringing back our bicycle
Perhaps for some fun
Sink into a hot bath
Or even meditate
Dig out a new book
Or a sober first date
Perhaps go urge surfing
You don't need a wave
There is always an answer
If you post when you crave
No thank you kind Sir
I do not want a drink
I have sober recovery
And learned how to think
That tricky old voice
That soul of addiction
Is worn down now
Into a state of attrition
No more wasting money
Or lies to cashiers
Here is to many
Great sober years
I leave you with this
They do really mean
That little advice
About the ice cream
Tarry here for a while
Share ups and downs
The tears and a smile
Ride a sober weekend bus
Seek out the great Dee
He will thank you most often
And tell you he's free
Pet the wolf gently
He will add to your plan
Ask anyone here
They will tell you, You Can
Now we aren't too shabby
For a better life we strive
A free owl can say
600 days, still alive
Troy has his walls up
But there is nothing to fear
If its a Greek with a horsey
Maybe steer clear
The true art of friendship
Lies in these threads
Standing together
Facing all dreads
We are not locked in cages
We all have the key
We just have to grasp it
Open eyes, see
So lets grab some ice cream
Or take a long run
Bringing back our bicycle
Perhaps for some fun
Sink into a hot bath
Or even meditate
Dig out a new book
Or a sober first date
Perhaps go urge surfing
You don't need a wave
There is always an answer
If you post when you crave
No thank you kind Sir
I do not want a drink
I have sober recovery
And learned how to think
That tricky old voice
That soul of addiction
Is worn down now
Into a state of attrition
No more wasting money
Or lies to cashiers
Here is to many
Great sober years
I leave you with this
They do really mean
That little advice
About the ice cream
Last edited by DitzyDandelion; 08-21-2015 at 09:54 AM. Reason: added a verse
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Very cool! 
Thanks, DD, for sharing. What I subjectively liked best was the effect your poem in the OP had on me: a whole web of associations, a chain reaction as I was reading it. It made me think about many different kinds of obsessive and addictive thinking, feelings and behaviors that I have dealt with in my life. Made me think, once again, how similar addictive mindsets are to each-other, almost regardless of the target and manifestation. And more than that, it can also be understood (or more precisely, infused with) all sorts of inner life issues in my mind that involve conflict.
It also reminded me of this poem that I read many times in the past:
Childe Roland To The Dark Tower Came Poem by Robert Browning - Poem Hunter
Thanks, DD, for sharing. What I subjectively liked best was the effect your poem in the OP had on me: a whole web of associations, a chain reaction as I was reading it. It made me think about many different kinds of obsessive and addictive thinking, feelings and behaviors that I have dealt with in my life. Made me think, once again, how similar addictive mindsets are to each-other, almost regardless of the target and manifestation. And more than that, it can also be understood (or more precisely, infused with) all sorts of inner life issues in my mind that involve conflict.It also reminded me of this poem that I read many times in the past:
Childe Roland To The Dark Tower Came Poem by Robert Browning - Poem Hunter
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Posts: 654
Thanks everyone. Hi Aellyce, interesting you say that as while I was writing about drinking the thing on my mind all day has been an ex and my feelings about that. Perhaps things bled through somewhat. I agree the traits of such obsessions can be applied to so many aspects of life. I think I did rather have an unhealthy obsession with him and vice versa till I trampled it when drunk. I also think those of us prone to be that way in one aspect of life seem more vulnerable to being that way in others.
And flattered to be compared to a proper writer.
And flattered to be compared to a proper writer.
You are all such sweeties.
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Posts: 654
If I am honest I am not sure I will make it long term. I will want to try and drink moderately. I don't seem to have anything much to give and really struggle to move forward, always did. It took me all my life to find something that made me happy and I completely destroyed it. For a moment I was moving forward but I can't move past wishing I could turn back time and take back the hurt. There doesn't seem an awful lot else to lose. The risk moderation doesn't work doesn't seem an awfully big deal if for a moment I feel I can relax and take a day off. Maybe stop hurting even for a few moments. The hurt just won't shift and underneath it is all the hurt and horrible things that have happened before then. I can't blame anyone I didn't have a bad start at life. My ex could be mean but I really did often deserve it. I just don't see some bright future where I can stand up and do this on my own here. I don't see a place where I feel happy and ok. I almost can sometimes but when I start trying to get there everything feels so difficult. If and when I get past that I think I am going to feel I deserve to be able to have the odd drink if I want to. To not have to be ever vigilant. I don't know. I have always been a bit of a screw up and I have always had a touch of self destruct. As if perhaps if I fell far enough, was lost enough someone would really see me and save me. They did then I hurt them and made them hate me. It seems as though I was meant to be some lost little tragic figure. There was always the little place that I can't seem to fill. For no reason, just there. I am not drinking today, but I just can't see long term.
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I think you need to give yourself time to get over the pain of loss DD - and you need to realise that it's not the end of your life as you know it...
its fear thats telling you you'll never find another love like that again - it's nonsense - but your addiction is really making a meal of that.
If your drinking bought you to your knees and lost you all you held dear...if it failed to salve your pain up to now, why would you consider going back to it again?
Thats AV talking, not the real rational you - but stay with it...you'll get better at teasing out which is which
back the way you came has nothing for you...you've already been that way - try a new way - give it (and you) a little time to sprout and grow.
You could see things very differently in just 3 months time DD
D
its fear thats telling you you'll never find another love like that again - it's nonsense - but your addiction is really making a meal of that.
If your drinking bought you to your knees and lost you all you held dear...if it failed to salve your pain up to now, why would you consider going back to it again?
Thats AV talking, not the real rational you - but stay with it...you'll get better at teasing out which is which
back the way you came has nothing for you...you've already been that way - try a new way - give it (and you) a little time to sprout and grow.
You could see things very differently in just 3 months time DD
D
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It feels childish complaining about something so small compared to others struggles. It was so short lived though with a long history. For someone to wish for a moment with you for ten years only to have them hate me. After so long hurting and resigning to living with abuse and shutting out hope opening my heart and feeling happy was intense. Intoxicating. The situation and him being unable to leave her left me a mess as I had let him become the focus of my whole world. It's odd now. I have never lived alone and it's hard finding work. My motivation has always come in wild bursts then faded again for a time. Nor the ideal way to get a stable life. I have some things creative smart and working on my degree kind and a good mediator and friend. Still got my looks. A little ovrbite but people find it cute and a figure a 20 year old would be happy with. I can talk my way out of just about anything and explain things to people in ways it makes sense. All this has never got me far. I have coasted. Surviving but never living. Both recently and ten years ago he made me feel alive. I know I need to find that in me and not let a person becomes my addiction all too often I only thrive when someone else needs me to hold them up. He did not need that he was comfy in himself not a drinker and cared about me. Then again I always told him Wed never work out.
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Not too worried about today it is rare I'd drown my sorrows. It's when I am on the happy high. When I am getting things done and my mind is flying hundred miles an hour. That's when I want a drink most, when I feel in control and awesome. Partly to celebrate partly to slow down a moment. Sad isn't my danger zone. With him I was happy but without that urge plus his lifestyle doesn't include drinking. He hated talking to me if I was drunk.
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DD, you seem to have a compelling introspective quality coming across from these posts to me. I wonder if the same could be used as a major tool to maintain your sobriety and to get through the bumps and blocks that are inherent to the early phases for pretty much everyone? What I mean is getting very familiar with your thoughts are feelings that lead to the desire to drink, learning to recognize these long before you would get to a point of seriously considering picking up, learning to react to these patterns in different ways (that's probably the most difficult).
For me, these kinds of skills were what primarily saved my life and made it possible to remain sober. I was actually quite amazed at how quickly I developed them when I had the interest and determination. But they needed to be combined with external resources (support, changing tons of things in my lifestyle) otherwise I would just sit in one place tracing my thoughts and feelings all over the map all day, perfectly still.
Not sure how long you have been sober. For me, early sobriety (and pretty much the first year, off and on) was characterized by what seemed and felt akin to manic spells -- mostly mentally. Often could not keep my thoughts on track and would infuse many unrelated things with my obsessional thinking and reactions, linking everything all over past-present-future. At times I was almost giving up that this would stably dissipate and I would have a healthy, relaxed relationship with the external world and with myself... but it did happen and I quite rarely get the obsessive impulses now
The thing about getting motivated and working on recovery for some sort of purpose that you perhaps cannot imagine or recognize yet... I think very often this is precisely the case for many of us. I was also plagued by existential angst and bursts of frustration with myself mostly for quite a long time in the beginning. It all seems to be gone now and I am experiencing life and doing things in ways that I honestly could not have imagined in early sobriety, not even when I was younger. Again, the thing is, often we cannot see our true desires and purpose before we get to a point with changes that the mug clears and water becomes more transparent. It's also worth getting external professional help to facilitate this, in my experience at least.
You already feel a gift and motivation in yourself (reference to what you shared about writing) -- why not grab that, for example, and use as a current?
For me, these kinds of skills were what primarily saved my life and made it possible to remain sober. I was actually quite amazed at how quickly I developed them when I had the interest and determination. But they needed to be combined with external resources (support, changing tons of things in my lifestyle) otherwise I would just sit in one place tracing my thoughts and feelings all over the map all day, perfectly still.
Not sure how long you have been sober. For me, early sobriety (and pretty much the first year, off and on) was characterized by what seemed and felt akin to manic spells -- mostly mentally. Often could not keep my thoughts on track and would infuse many unrelated things with my obsessional thinking and reactions, linking everything all over past-present-future. At times I was almost giving up that this would stably dissipate and I would have a healthy, relaxed relationship with the external world and with myself... but it did happen and I quite rarely get the obsessive impulses now
The thing about getting motivated and working on recovery for some sort of purpose that you perhaps cannot imagine or recognize yet... I think very often this is precisely the case for many of us. I was also plagued by existential angst and bursts of frustration with myself mostly for quite a long time in the beginning. It all seems to be gone now and I am experiencing life and doing things in ways that I honestly could not have imagined in early sobriety, not even when I was younger. Again, the thing is, often we cannot see our true desires and purpose before we get to a point with changes that the mug clears and water becomes more transparent. It's also worth getting external professional help to facilitate this, in my experience at least.
You already feel a gift and motivation in yourself (reference to what you shared about writing) -- why not grab that, for example, and use as a current?
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