bookmaven

I relapsed.

I need to be honest. I went back out there Sunday night, and didn't come home until Monday afternoon. Things got crazy. I made some seriously bad and dangerous decisions. I fell down and have an abrasion on my forehead and a bruised tailbone.

I need to tell somebody very important to me and I'm worried about it. I feel so bad. My anxiety level is through the roof.

Soberwolf

Hi Bookmaven whatever happens youl have us to lean on & know if you continue drinking things will only get worse http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

MythOfSisyphus

What happened, bookmaven?

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back bookmaven.
I hope things go well with you and your friend.

I hope you'll take the lessons you need to from this and then get right back on the horse

D

PurpleKnight

Hope you're alright Bookmaven, great to see you back!!

Go at it again, tweak a few things, you can do this!!

bookmaven

Thanks guys.

What happened? I stopped checking in here everyday and let my guard down. I had a few other things that I had been doing in the past that were working for me, but I stopped doing because I didn't feel like doing it anymore.

It was like I'd picked right up where I was 16 months ago. There was no moderation.

It was "just one" that turned into probably at least 20 (???) and I am so ashamed and embarrassed and I feel horrible.

But today is a new day and I'm sober today and will be for 24 more hours.

Venecia

I'm sorry to hear that, Bookmaven.

How 'bout joining the One Year and Under thread?

ccam1973

Sorry to hear about your struggles Bookmaven. Good for you on coming back here. I also found when I got complacent and didn't spend as much time on SR or actively working my sobriety, I relapsed each time as well.

Learn from this and get back to where you want to be. We are here for you.

Retread1959

Come join us in the class of August 2015. We could use someone with your experience there. Just because you fell doesn't mean you crashed and burned. You have a lot to offer here and I am glad that you decided to jump back on the wagon instead of staying out.

courage2

I'm glad you came right back, bookmaven. No need to dwell on it. It sounds like you know what you need to do. Stay close here, too!

CaseyW

Glad you made it back in, Bookmaven. Abrasions and bones will heal with time, as well whatever hurt you have caused the person who you are worried about telling this news to. Just remember that continued drinking will only make the situation worse. You're back on the right track today.

Thank you for your honesty, and you are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

EternalNow

I don't know you to well in the big world but I know you like a brother/sister in the recovery world. Your story could be mine and is mine. But, thank the higher power I'm still here learning and growing spiritually. For some reason the HP has got me up and dusted me off and set me back on the path and for this I am grateful. But I don't know if I can do it again so I come here and listen and share what I've got and hold on. I am really glad you came back to us and by doing so you have helped to keep me from slipping away. Thank you and keep hope ing.

bookmaven

I am so grateful to all of you for your support and I'm glad my story can help others stay sober too. I've told a few trusted recovery friends IRL so far, and not one of them has made me feel bad, that's all my doing to myself.

Since yesterday I've thought up a hundred lies about the bruise on my face from when I fell down, but in the end I just feel worse and since I decided the best thing to do is tell the truth, say I'm sorry, I made a mistake, ask what I can do to make it better, that I'll try to never do it again, and please forgive me.

And thinking about those five things has made all the difference in how I feel about moving forward and telling my loved ones. The most important conversation will be in about 15 hours.

Soberwolf

Keep on keeping on bookmaven

bookmaven

Well if your following my story I had "the talk." It went very badly and I may have damaged the relationship forever. They key word is MAY have. We might be able to get past this, but obviously I hurt him very much. It's going to take some time.

I asked him what can I do to make it right and his answer was that I tell my family every detail of my bender, something that I'm unable to do. I tried to, but in the end I couldn't do it. I told them about the relapse, but the details are so humiliating that I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it.

I'm so sad for all the pain my bad decision has caused the people I love and care about that I can't stop crying.

As much as I've said I never want to go through detox again this is so much worse. This is an emotional wound so deep that if I did it again I don't know if I would ever be able to recover. Even though I know the events that caused me to want to be sober last year were very painful for my loved ones, the physical effects of detox over shadowed my emotions. This time I feel them all. A saying I've often heard and maybe even said my self in the past is "I know I have another relapse in me, I don't know if I have another recovery." Now I have another layer to add to what my previous interpretation of that was. Before I simply thought it meant that I might drink myself to death or end up in prison. As an alcoholic in early recovery I was selfish and didn't fully understand the consequences that my addiction affects more than just me. It affects everyone around me, even my coworkers.

Just because we are sober does not mean we stop being alcoholic. I will be an alcoholic for the rest of my life and there is no moderation, there is no middle of the road. There is only pain and suffering or sobriety.

I choose to be sober.

ItWillBeWorthIt

Great post bookhaven... just keep on moving in a positive direction, the relationships you do have or did have will see your progress.

Wishing you the very best.

Hevyn

Bookmaven, I'm sorry for the painful episode you experienced. I did it too, a few times - before I finally believed I could never touch alcohol again. I convinced myself that willpower could work. Of course it never did, not once. Each time I picked up it led to danger, recklessness, & humiliation. It sounds like you've learned something valuable. Please be kind to yourself. Feeling ashamed can prevent us from healing and moving forward. Hold your head up and keep walking. You're going to do this.

Carver

Life is sometimes hard and sometimes easy, but it's all so much better sober. I can see from your posts that you're strong, and committed. You can do it. Keep it up!

Saskia

Bookmaven, I'm glad you are back! I know how awful we can feel emotionally after a relapse. I believe it helps to talk with people but disagree with the person who wanted you to disclose all to your family. That is a situation each of us must navigate. There is a line between lying and telling too much to people who don't understand and are unlikely to respond in a helpful way. The former is abhorrent but typical for an active alcoholic, the latter can have a bad outcome that's not necessary and hurts, not helps, everyone involved. Been there!

It sounds like you have thought this through and are newly committed to sobriety. That's a giant step. Alcoholism is a devious disease. I fought that demon and failed over and over for over two years. I finally pulled out all of the stops and accepted the fact that I needed more help than I had ever imagined. I got it and will be a year sober tomorrow. You can do this!

Anna

Bookmaven, I get it that the physical pain is one thing, but the emotional pain is another. Like you, I felt I could not continue because I would not make it. I'm sorry you're going through this, but glad you are here posting and choosing sobriety.