NestWasEmpty

Wasn't sure where to post , but this looks like a good place .
As some here already know I'm new today 2 years sober . I've been having a heavy heart over worrying over my Man friend . I say that because he's my companion . We don't live together ,but been hanging out for 4 years . When we met we both drank heavy together .
When I finally quit he did slow down and I put my foot down that I will not allow him to drink at my place or even call me when he was . Lately his drinking has become worse . To me almost like it's a rebellion against me not wanting him to come over - even if he's only had 1-2 .
One night a couple weeks ago he called late , cause he was drinking and lonely . I cut him off quick - repeated myself in not a nice tone . Do not call any more when your drinking ! I'm not going to put up with this and hung up .
He didn't call again till late the next day . I could tell some thing wasn't right by his voice . After some time he said , Well I guess I better stop drinking , I drove after we talked last night and I passed out hit a guard rail , dented my fender .
Long story short that lasted about a week , he's back at it again . I said " What about that fender bender you know it could have been worse ? Oh he says " Actually I think I was playing with my radio and didn't really pass out ".
I don't know how to help him , but I know you can't unless they want it . Just a few months before I met him he had totaled one car. I think he's headed down the same road . I'm scared for him , such a sweet kind man when he's not drinking .
Wanted to open to share that this is one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in the 2 years , I've been sober .

happybeingme

That's a really sad situation. I am sorry you are dealing with it. Your boundaries are fair. I would not want to be around a heavy drinker either.

Be firm in your resolve.

fluffyflea

There are meetings over in Swanton and St.Albans, VT.

Maybe give him a meeting list of the meetings.

It's good you are sticking with your boundaries.

NestWasEmpty

Happybeingme & Earthworm , Thank you - Yes it is very hard but as I have learned with my sobriety you have to take it one day at a time. For right now there's more good days than bad . After 4 years of knowing him , he's not the type to go to meetings . He's still in denial at this stage too, always saying he can quit if he really wants to.
His time will come , have my fingers crossed that this will be a good outcome . I keep thinking I will get that phone call with bad news . Tears me up some days ,with my anxiety some days it bothers me more

FeelingGreat

What a pity he only comes in one package, which includes the drinking bit. Although he's a lovely sweet man, it sounds like that part of him doesn't get a chance to emerge very often.
You love him for the sweet part, but he's also an A, and you can't separate him. You need to see him as he is, not through rare glimpses. If you decide to break with him it might be the incentive he needs to stop drinking, but don't count on it. Do it for you.

NestWasEmpty

You are right and I know that I will have to tell him that it's getting to be too much for me to handle. I hate to admit some days it's testing my own sobriety .
When I first quit he was very supportive , but now he's just pushing me closer to the edge I have a feeling he went on a bender yest. cause he didn't call . I'm sure he will let me know about all the fun he had . He know's perfectly well how much I enjoyed to party with friends . I will have to get tougher with him .
I'm a loner , it means I will cut myself off from the ownly friend I have. It make my Happy go Lucky attitude - depressed and lonelier . What a Pickle !!

FeelingGreat

Yeah, that would make your decision harder.

Maybe it could be an incentive for you to get out a bit more - don't mean partying, but joining some non-alcoholic activities. Whatever you do, hang onto your sobriety because drinking again would be a big step backwards.

NestWasEmpty

FeelingGreat , For sure I have to hold onto my sobriety . I have my own car and can get out, not like I haven't been on my own before . My health is at stake now , that scares me enough . A few drinks I will end up in the hosp. I will not let him drag me down that low . I've become pretty strong these past 2 years . I think I can handle things . The best thing is I reached out and joined this place .

FireSprite

Wow. That is some extreme denial. Definite quacking going on there; not knowing whether you were passed out or fiddling with the radio? Oh sure - happened to me last week!


I'm so sorry you are challenged with this, but it sounds like you are in a great place in your recovery to be able to handle it. Congrats on 2 yrs!

NestWasEmpty

FireSprite , I know the first day he was looking for sympathy . Saying " Oh If it was worse and I got picked up , lost my license I couldn't come to see you ." What would I do with myself ? I said" It's not just the idea of losing your license - what if you got hurt bad or even killed yourself or someone else ? "
Anyways that whole conversation is gone and forgotten on his side . That's when he called me drinking again after getting home from visiting friends
Now he's just not telling me what he does . Which is fine with me , less things to worry about .
With him it will have to be a bigger wake up call . The bad thing is can I be strong enough to handle it Ugg

NestWasEmpty

I'm Real upset anxiety through the roof . He lasted a whole 4 days , now he's starting to drink earlier in the morning . I called him to tell him good luck with fishing today at 10 am . He was stepping all over his tongue - repeating himself Wish I could have reached though the phone and Slapped him in the Head !!
He always thinks I won't pick up on it after 4 years - give me a brake . He says , Maybe I will see you after fishing . I told him the way your sounding I don't Think so !! Oh do I sound that bad ? I know he has to drive to his friends place , and that's not until 1:30 pm .
This will be a long day of me worrying and I know I shouldn't . Just ranting to let of steam ..

Bird615

My heart goes out to you.
I was in a live-in relationship with a drinker for 6 years and I had been sober for over 10 years at that point. He was a real sweetheart and a charmer when sober, and that's why I stuck around. I moved out twice and both times he managed to stop drinking but his heart wasn't in it. As soon as the heat was off and I let him come back, he would eventually start again.
When I finally accepted that he was not going to stop for me or for anything else, I could finally let him go. I believe he really cared about me, but he cared about the alcohol more. He was in the grip of his addiction and not ready to stop.
Letting him go was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and it didn't end well. The only good thing that came out of it was that I worked harder on my own sobriety, just to keep my sanity. I went to a LOT of meetings and stuck close to my sober freinds.
I put myself through a lot of heartache and stress by choosing to be with an addict. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
Now I am happily married to someone who doesn't drink and supports my sobriety.

NestWasEmpty

I think it would be almost easier if we did live together "To end it " ( maybe) . The way he's doing it is playing it safe , when he drinks he stays away , makes believe he's working on staying sober . Only thing is If I call him I find out . Or when he calls me cause he gets lonely drinking. I blow up he doesn't call for a couple days till I cool off .
Nothings changed it's been this way for the whole 4 years . I quit for 8 months 3 years ago . He was worse than - I wasn't strong enough & picked up again .
I have even had long talks with him sober , he just says "What do you want from me ?" We met drinking and you stopped - I'm not ready or can't right now . WE get quiet and the subject gets dropped

Hawkeye13

Four years is a long time to be in a holding pattern with an addict,
particularly when your own sobriety is at risk.

It sounds to me like you know what you need to do but are having trouble acknowledging it to yourself.

It's hard to let go, but your own life is passing and you and your sobriety are important but seemingly subordinated to his choice to drink / not drink / from day to day.

Hugs during this difficult time NWE

NestWasEmpty

You are very right Hawkeye - No doubt about it, but he was there for me to help with my health issues after I came out of the hosp . 2 years ago . I may have just came home and finish killing myself drinking .
I feel I owe him to be there for him now .
I lived with him for 3 months after the hosp . cause I was so sick . He would come back and forth to my place and check on things or pick up clothes for me . My biggest problem is I have not learnt to deal with being around others that drink any place . After 2 years I should be strong enough to handle that !!
I turn down invitations to parties , barbecues all places that have alcohol being served . I'm ok if someone comes to visit with 1 in their had as long as they don't stay long or want more than 1 .
I will work on handling being around it more , If I don't I never will have a social life .

NestWasEmpty

He actually had the nerve to come over drinking & hung over . I guess he's got to deep into the sauce now to pull out ... I really tried to handle it , to brush it off . My anxiety got the best of me & I told him to leave
so much for thinking we could do something after not seeing each other for 2 days .
Will he get the hint this time .. Naaa Long as he keeps hanging with the same old drinking crowd it will never change .
I know I wrote I have to learn to deal with it , but why do I have to . If I had wanted to stay around alcoholics , I wouldn't of quit .
He's messing with my AV now that's not good at all !!

LexieCat

You DON'T have to. You can establish a boundary that he is welcome there IF he is not drinking.

You should know, as an alcoholic, yourself, that "hints" are pretty irrelevant to alcoholics. You DON'T have to learn to tolerate being around drinking. There are some drinking situations that don't bother me--folks having a couple of drinks before dinner, wine with dinner, parties where people are drinking responsibly. I know plenty of people--recovered alcoholics, normal drinkers, and people who just don't drink for other reasons--who don't appreciate hanging around drunk people.

NestWasEmpty

I have told him more than once not to call or come over drinking . He does good for awhile , but once he drinks for long periods he Forgets - doesn't care . Right you can't reason with an alcoholic , their he_ _ bent on doing what they want , when they want .
I know he'll beat himself up over this too after he sobers off . I thought like you say Put boundaries up he don't stick to them
I guess I have to just give him an ultimatum stick to the plan or stop coming over .

LexieCat

Well, the boundary is for you, not a "rule" for him. You simply say, when he shows up drunk, or calls you when he has been drinking, "Come back over when you're sober." Politely hang up or close the door and that's it. You are having trouble with the "boundaries" because you are trying to force him to respect them. It's up to YOU to enforce your own boundaries.

honeypig

To provide some "study material" for what Lexie said about boundaries and rules, and the difference between them, you could check out these threads:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

I think most, if not all, of us here have struggled w/this concept when we first heard about it. I know I certainly did!

Hope the reading helps.