How would you deal with the death of your A?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Lynnwood WA
Posts: 424
How would you deal with the death of your A?
My mom has been getting worse and worse with her alcoholism over the last few years. We all know that the disease progresses. She has fallen many times, hit her head and cut her lip open, and is now appearing to have mini strokes. My sister was over at my parents house yesterday with her newborn and right after my mom gave my sister her daughter, I guess my mom just fell over and took the chair with her. She wasn't light-headed, didn't trip, didn't pass out, didn't have a seizure. My sister freaked out and is pretty positive that it was a small stoke. My mom refuses to go to the doctor to get it checked out; you'd call that denial. And my dad mentioned that this has happened before.
Not that my mom is going to die anytime soon but we all know that she will most likely die from this disease and with it's progression, it might be sooner than later.
I try to keep my distance from my mom; I go to therapy and Al-anon. I am really working had on detaching from her disease. I care about her as a person but have never fully experienced her without the disease of alcoholism.
I am sober myself. Is there something I should say to my mom that might get her to realize what she is doing to the family? I don't even know how I will feel if she passes away. I don't want any regrets that I didn't do something that could have helped. But the disease has created a boundary for me that I don't want to pass and get sucked into this nonsense. She has told me in the past that she should do what I'm doing (get sober) but that she can't.
I just don't know what to do and I am worried that I will feel guilt and regret if she passes and I haven't done anything.
Not that my mom is going to die anytime soon but we all know that she will most likely die from this disease and with it's progression, it might be sooner than later.
I try to keep my distance from my mom; I go to therapy and Al-anon. I am really working had on detaching from her disease. I care about her as a person but have never fully experienced her without the disease of alcoholism.
I am sober myself. Is there something I should say to my mom that might get her to realize what she is doing to the family? I don't even know how I will feel if she passes away. I don't want any regrets that I didn't do something that could have helped. But the disease has created a boundary for me that I don't want to pass and get sucked into this nonsense. She has told me in the past that she should do what I'm doing (get sober) but that she can't.
I just don't know what to do and I am worried that I will feel guilt and regret if she passes and I haven't done anything.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
All of my family has passed. I believe my father was alcoholic, but I didn't live with him after age seven, and he died when he was 41, I was 16 - so I didn't have guilt about his drinking, I didn't even think about it until I was much older. I don't think there is anything I could have done.
I think when anyone dies there is an amount of regret and some guilt for not having been there as much or maybe not doing as much as possible, regardless of the circumstances of their deaths. It is just a human thing to feel, and it passes.
What do you think you could do for your mom? In my experience, the only thing that will help an alcoholic is an alcoholic making the decision to stop drinking. I'm sure you've had many discussions about her drinking, right? I think loving her from a distance is a very good approach. It isn't your responsibility. She's a big girl.
I think when anyone dies there is an amount of regret and some guilt for not having been there as much or maybe not doing as much as possible, regardless of the circumstances of their deaths. It is just a human thing to feel, and it passes.
What do you think you could do for your mom? In my experience, the only thing that will help an alcoholic is an alcoholic making the decision to stop drinking. I'm sure you've had many discussions about her drinking, right? I think loving her from a distance is a very good approach. It isn't your responsibility. She's a big girl.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Pattyj
Your post rings so close to my heart. I am going to tell you a story that no one knows but my exabf because I would never want anyone to think bad of my father and I think that he would be ok with me telling his story if it would help someone else...
My father drank all of my life. He was one of those that used to stop at the bar before he came home at the end of the workday. I can recall many arguments between my parents as I grew up about his drinking. So many memories, daddy leaning over the toilet as I sat there on the floor and rubbed his back, daddy coming home from the bar and him and my mother arguing, daddy getting out of the car and passing out on the front lawn ( my mother took the hose and squirted him with it ). There are so many memories.... The funny thing is ( not so funny now when reflecting upon it all ) we used to say " oh, he's irish, he can't help it its in his blood". We always had an excuse. It wasn't until the later years as his alcoholism progressed that not only did we no longer want to be around crazy Irish daddy but we ( we being 4 sisters ) didn't want our children around it. Everything came to a head one night at my sisters house. Daddy being daddy got drunk out of his mind, worse then I had ever seen him. The next morning we had an intervention of sorts at my parents house. We let him know that although we loved him we were no longer going to tolerate his drunk behavior around us or our children. He was on his own. Please keep in mind that although we were a bit disfunctional we were always a very tight family unit, the type that would have family sit downs if one of us had a problem.
The next day my father stopped drinking
Two years later he was diagnosed with cancer. I worked in the emergency department at the hospital and spent many hours with my father in his room. We would talk about so many things. One particular evening he was beside himself, feeling so much regret for the years of his active alcoholism, so much regret for what he put us all through. Although I was happy for the acknowledgment, it didn't change the fact that this man was my father, he did the best that HE COULD DO FOR HIMSELF during those years and he was dying. It didn't matter what had happened in the past. I needed to let him know that it was OK. we can't change the past, thank you for the apology but let's just move forward from here. 4 months later my father passed away.
What I wouldn't give to have that crazy irishman with me now just for an hour...5 minutes...anything. It doesn't matter, he was my father and I loved him.
Your post rings so close to my heart. I am going to tell you a story that no one knows but my exabf because I would never want anyone to think bad of my father and I think that he would be ok with me telling his story if it would help someone else...
My father drank all of my life. He was one of those that used to stop at the bar before he came home at the end of the workday. I can recall many arguments between my parents as I grew up about his drinking. So many memories, daddy leaning over the toilet as I sat there on the floor and rubbed his back, daddy coming home from the bar and him and my mother arguing, daddy getting out of the car and passing out on the front lawn ( my mother took the hose and squirted him with it ). There are so many memories.... The funny thing is ( not so funny now when reflecting upon it all ) we used to say " oh, he's irish, he can't help it its in his blood". We always had an excuse. It wasn't until the later years as his alcoholism progressed that not only did we no longer want to be around crazy Irish daddy but we ( we being 4 sisters ) didn't want our children around it. Everything came to a head one night at my sisters house. Daddy being daddy got drunk out of his mind, worse then I had ever seen him. The next morning we had an intervention of sorts at my parents house. We let him know that although we loved him we were no longer going to tolerate his drunk behavior around us or our children. He was on his own. Please keep in mind that although we were a bit disfunctional we were always a very tight family unit, the type that would have family sit downs if one of us had a problem.
The next day my father stopped drinking
Two years later he was diagnosed with cancer. I worked in the emergency department at the hospital and spent many hours with my father in his room. We would talk about so many things. One particular evening he was beside himself, feeling so much regret for the years of his active alcoholism, so much regret for what he put us all through. Although I was happy for the acknowledgment, it didn't change the fact that this man was my father, he did the best that HE COULD DO FOR HIMSELF during those years and he was dying. It didn't matter what had happened in the past. I needed to let him know that it was OK. we can't change the past, thank you for the apology but let's just move forward from here. 4 months later my father passed away.
What I wouldn't give to have that crazy irishman with me now just for an hour...5 minutes...anything. It doesn't matter, he was my father and I loved him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Lynnwood WA
Posts: 424
Thank you so much for that post. I have to say that it really hit home for me. Unfortunately we are not the type of family to talk about anything. We brush everything under the rug. But your post made me think about how I want to react to the situation. I had already told her my piece, my sister did today because she's fearful for her kids, and my dad has a number of times. Nothing has changed and it doesn't look like it is going to. I am very thankful for this site, therapy and al-anon. I'm not sure where I would be without those three things.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 61
I dont want that for my ex AH. But I would be relieved that his nastiness to me is over.
He sucks me in by email saying things like he is so so sorry, when I reply its all down hill from there.
I believe in being at peace with everyone, but he is incapable of that maturity to let it go.
I know I have to stop replying to his emails and not believe he is sorry. It is just a ploy to suck me back into his world of chaos.
He sucks me in by email saying things like he is so so sorry, when I reply its all down hill from there.
I believe in being at peace with everyone, but he is incapable of that maturity to let it go.
I know I have to stop replying to his emails and not believe he is sorry. It is just a ploy to suck me back into his world of chaos.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
patty, the following is written with the proviso that this might not be what's causing these seizures, but just to tell of my own experience.
My father had a lot of those TIAs as well (he had been a life-long smoker and went through a period of heavy drinking). The cognitive function gradually declines into dementia, and it sounds like your AM is well on the way, judging from the frequency of the attacks. It would be ideal if she could see a doctor, have a scan and possibly amend her lifestyle. Is there any way you can up the pressure, say you and your siblings and father getting together and asking her and offering support to sit in on the appointment?
I was told by my sister, a doctor that roughly a third of these strokes kill, a third disable, and a third have little permanent effect. That last third can cause a buildup of damage though.
Google vascular dementia, and transient ischaemic attack (tia) if you want to know more.
My father had a lot of those TIAs as well (he had been a life-long smoker and went through a period of heavy drinking). The cognitive function gradually declines into dementia, and it sounds like your AM is well on the way, judging from the frequency of the attacks. It would be ideal if she could see a doctor, have a scan and possibly amend her lifestyle. Is there any way you can up the pressure, say you and your siblings and father getting together and asking her and offering support to sit in on the appointment?
I was told by my sister, a doctor that roughly a third of these strokes kill, a third disable, and a third have little permanent effect. That last third can cause a buildup of damage though.
Google vascular dementia, and transient ischaemic attack (tia) if you want to know more.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
