Really need some guidance!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Alberta
Posts: 38
Really need some guidance!
Help! Not sure what to do. :sink
I've been feeling the need lately to write a "final" letter to my ex A/boyfriend (he left) telling him how he made me in the latter part of the relationship and what effect it had on me (how I feel he manipulated and used me).
Is there really any point in doing this? Will it have any effect on an A or am I just blowing off my own hot air for no good reason?
Most of the time I just want to leave well enough alone and get on with my life but right now I feel like I want to get in the last word! The last time I saw him, I was in tears and feel like I gave him all of the control back.
Any thoughts?
I've been feeling the need lately to write a "final" letter to my ex A/boyfriend (he left) telling him how he made me in the latter part of the relationship and what effect it had on me (how I feel he manipulated and used me).
Is there really any point in doing this? Will it have any effect on an A or am I just blowing off my own hot air for no good reason?
Most of the time I just want to leave well enough alone and get on with my life but right now I feel like I want to get in the last word! The last time I saw him, I was in tears and feel like I gave him all of the control back.
Any thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Green Eyes!
Write it. Take it and a book of matches to the kitchen sink. Burn it and send it out to the universe. You need to purge those feelings and get the thoughts out. But later you will once again be feeling you handed over control to him if you send it. It will not do what you want it to. Write it. For you. And let it go.
Hugs,
Smoke
Write it. Take it and a book of matches to the kitchen sink. Burn it and send it out to the universe. You need to purge those feelings and get the thoughts out. But later you will once again be feeling you handed over control to him if you send it. It will not do what you want it to. Write it. For you. And let it go.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere safe
Posts: 103
Smoke has great advice. Whenever I get in the mood to pen a poisionous letter, I let loose and write down exactly what I'm thinking. But then I always put the letter away in a safe place overnight. If in the morning I'm still feeling the same way, I send it. If not, I rip it up. Nine out of 10 times, the letter goes in the trash.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario, CANADA
Posts: 26
Someone once suggested to me the "God Jar" idea - to write out all the things troubling you - bothering you - all your thoughts and feelings - and fold them up and place them into a god jar (any container will do!!) and in this way you are "tunring them over" - letting them go...I tried it and then many months later took them all out and read them over and amazing most of the issues had either disappeared or resolved themselves.
I ALWAYS tend to write those letters to my partner - pouring out my heart - and honestly NO I do not think alot of the time it reaches him in the way I wish it could.
You could always write it and then think a while before sending...remember if something is a good idea today it will still be a good idea tomorrow or the next.
I ALWAYS tend to write those letters to my partner - pouring out my heart - and honestly NO I do not think alot of the time it reaches him in the way I wish it could.
You could always write it and then think a while before sending...remember if something is a good idea today it will still be a good idea tomorrow or the next.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Just another thought for you as well. Have you thought of keeping a journal? I started doing this not too long ago. I've had really come a long way in my own recovery and I wish in hindsite that I had started keeping a journal sooner.
And honestly, I really doubt that the letter you want to write would do any good if given to the intended person. Could it (would it) really be the last word? Or would it just be ammunition for him to come back into your life and hurt you again? Would it really be closure for you? If I were to do this, I'd really have to think long and hard about the repercussions that it could have. (Just another thought)
Whatever you decide to do in regards to writing - I wish you well and hope that you focus on YOUR recovery. Letting go is often very hard to do and you seem to be struggling with that to some degree. I hope you find of peace of mind soon.
And honestly, I really doubt that the letter you want to write would do any good if given to the intended person. Could it (would it) really be the last word? Or would it just be ammunition for him to come back into your life and hurt you again? Would it really be closure for you? If I were to do this, I'd really have to think long and hard about the repercussions that it could have. (Just another thought)
Whatever you decide to do in regards to writing - I wish you well and hope that you focus on YOUR recovery. Letting go is often very hard to do and you seem to be struggling with that to some degree. I hope you find of peace of mind soon.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Hi,
I wrote lots of letters and put them away. There was no point in sending them to him he was too self-absorbed to have understood what I was saying anyways.
Most likely he'll end up thinking it's another open door for him to come back.
Ngaire
I wrote lots of letters and put them away. There was no point in sending them to him he was too self-absorbed to have understood what I was saying anyways.
Most likely he'll end up thinking it's another open door for him to come back.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Originally Posted by smoke gets in my eyes
Hi Green Eyes!
Write it. Take it and a book of matches to the kitchen sink. Burn it and send it out to the universe. You need to purge those feelings and get the thoughts out. But later you will once again be feeling you handed over control to him if you send it. It will not do what you want it to. Write it. For you. And let it go.
Hugs,
Smoke
Write it. Take it and a book of matches to the kitchen sink. Burn it and send it out to the universe. You need to purge those feelings and get the thoughts out. But later you will once again be feeling you handed over control to him if you send it. It will not do what you want it to. Write it. For you. And let it go.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Alberta
Posts: 38
Thanks to all of you. I love your idea, Smoke and that's exactly what I intend to do. I'm glad I posted the question because I think I would have regretted it if I'd actually written and sent it.
StandingStrong, you're right - there are days that I'm having trouble letting go. I have been keeping a journal off and on since I was a teenager. I've been writing pretty much everyday since he left. Any other tips on letting go?
StandingStrong, you're right - there are days that I'm having trouble letting go. I have been keeping a journal off and on since I was a teenager. I've been writing pretty much everyday since he left. Any other tips on letting go?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Green Eyes: Do you believe that actions speak louder than words?
I have found that in my own situation with my own AH, that actions do speak louder than words. Not only from him to me - but from myself to him as well.
Granted, I don't know your AH and I don't know you - but for me, I knew that I needed to "get a grip" on my life. Whether my AH was in the life of my children and I was irrelevant at that point. I was ready to "get my life back" and "be happy".
One of the things that really worked for me was:
1) to do things that I had always wanted to do (even when AH did not approve). For example, I had wanted my navel peirced about 10 years ago. Of course this caused a major scene and DH basically told me if I did it, he'd divorce me. Well, one week exactly after AH moved out - I got my navel peirced!
2) I needed to quit living my life "around" AH. Yep, it's my life. So I took the kids to every small town festival I could find. (It was cheap entertainment and it got us out of the house) I was ready to LIVE so the kids and I started getting out and trying to find a life!
3) When thoughts of AH started creeping into my head, I'd remind himself of all the times he treated me with disrespect and didn't seem to give a crap about me and the kids. Why was I was wasting so much energy on him? Nope, I am worth more than that and I deserve to have a little self-respect.
4) I went on a mission to pay off all the debt that I could. I wanted AH to know that I could do it without him. I could survive without needing him!
5) When I felt the need to control something in my life when things tended to be swirling about my head - I attacked my house with a vengence! I de-cluttered, I cleaned, I organized, etc. Gotta tell ya, my house looks better than it has in a long time. I realized for me that my house was a showcase of my inner feelings.
6) I kept in mind all the time that as part of my mission - I wanted AH to know that not only did I not need him financially, I did not need him for anything. I was on a mission to prove that I am capable of handling myself! I can keep my job, I can raise my kids, I can have my friends, I can maintain my house, I can live BETTER without him.
7) I made a promise to myself that there were things that I would NOT deal with. Things that were HIS responsibility. I was no longer going to clean up his messes. I gladly gave his cell phone number to whoever was looking for him, friend-foe-bill collector-whoever! I was no longer his clean up crew!!! It was time for him to deal with his own mess.
8) I came here and read posts! I cried sometimes as I could so relate to how others were feeling. But you know what, there were also other posts of situations that were worse than mine and it reminded me that I didn't want to live that way, I didn't want my life to get to that point. It helped me to stay with my goal of getting MY life back.
9) I'm lucky enough to have some very dear and close friends. They listened to me, they let me cry on them when I felt weak but they also gave me strength as well as thier moral support. They cheered me on when I did good and they picked me up and got me back on the path when I fell. And they proved to me over and over again that I was worth more than AH was ever going to give me.
10) I tried to do ONE thing everyday. Just one thing! I had a list of goals and I was moving ever so slowly towards them. Even if my one goal of the day was to do something so simple as "Stay out later than usual". You see, AH always used my not being home if he called as an excuse to drink. You know the drill "Well, I called and you weren't home anyways" - even if he knew I was outside with the kids. Well, I was no longer going to be a prisoner in my home and I was no longer his excuse to drink. Staying out later than usual was hard for me, but I did it. One small step at a time.
I could go on and on and on. But you get the point. This was MY way of letting go. To fill my life with things for ME and my kids. To not worry about HIM, not live my life around HIM, and to prove to myself as well as him that I could survive without him.
(Just so you know, AH has admitted that he's proud of me! He's admitted that the longer he's gone, the more it scares him that he'll never be able to come back! He knows that I can do it on my own and it scares him to death!) AH has been sober since January, but I still am not ready to take him back and I don't know that I ever will be. But you know what - I am living!!!! With or without him!!!!!! That's how I have learned to let go.
I know this is extremely long. I just hope that you can get something out of it. I know that for me, in the beginning when people would say "Do something for you", heck, I didn't know what I wanted to do so that was lost upon me. But I finally get it. Hopefully you can find the strength and belief and desire to really want to get on with your life. And once you find your way of beginning to do that, it's amazing how fast and fun it will become.
(((hugs for you)))) as well as many good wishes to you on your journey! Good luck!
I have found that in my own situation with my own AH, that actions do speak louder than words. Not only from him to me - but from myself to him as well.
Granted, I don't know your AH and I don't know you - but for me, I knew that I needed to "get a grip" on my life. Whether my AH was in the life of my children and I was irrelevant at that point. I was ready to "get my life back" and "be happy".
One of the things that really worked for me was:
1) to do things that I had always wanted to do (even when AH did not approve). For example, I had wanted my navel peirced about 10 years ago. Of course this caused a major scene and DH basically told me if I did it, he'd divorce me. Well, one week exactly after AH moved out - I got my navel peirced!
2) I needed to quit living my life "around" AH. Yep, it's my life. So I took the kids to every small town festival I could find. (It was cheap entertainment and it got us out of the house) I was ready to LIVE so the kids and I started getting out and trying to find a life!
3) When thoughts of AH started creeping into my head, I'd remind himself of all the times he treated me with disrespect and didn't seem to give a crap about me and the kids. Why was I was wasting so much energy on him? Nope, I am worth more than that and I deserve to have a little self-respect.
4) I went on a mission to pay off all the debt that I could. I wanted AH to know that I could do it without him. I could survive without needing him!
5) When I felt the need to control something in my life when things tended to be swirling about my head - I attacked my house with a vengence! I de-cluttered, I cleaned, I organized, etc. Gotta tell ya, my house looks better than it has in a long time. I realized for me that my house was a showcase of my inner feelings.
6) I kept in mind all the time that as part of my mission - I wanted AH to know that not only did I not need him financially, I did not need him for anything. I was on a mission to prove that I am capable of handling myself! I can keep my job, I can raise my kids, I can have my friends, I can maintain my house, I can live BETTER without him.
7) I made a promise to myself that there were things that I would NOT deal with. Things that were HIS responsibility. I was no longer going to clean up his messes. I gladly gave his cell phone number to whoever was looking for him, friend-foe-bill collector-whoever! I was no longer his clean up crew!!! It was time for him to deal with his own mess.
8) I came here and read posts! I cried sometimes as I could so relate to how others were feeling. But you know what, there were also other posts of situations that were worse than mine and it reminded me that I didn't want to live that way, I didn't want my life to get to that point. It helped me to stay with my goal of getting MY life back.
9) I'm lucky enough to have some very dear and close friends. They listened to me, they let me cry on them when I felt weak but they also gave me strength as well as thier moral support. They cheered me on when I did good and they picked me up and got me back on the path when I fell. And they proved to me over and over again that I was worth more than AH was ever going to give me.
10) I tried to do ONE thing everyday. Just one thing! I had a list of goals and I was moving ever so slowly towards them. Even if my one goal of the day was to do something so simple as "Stay out later than usual". You see, AH always used my not being home if he called as an excuse to drink. You know the drill "Well, I called and you weren't home anyways" - even if he knew I was outside with the kids. Well, I was no longer going to be a prisoner in my home and I was no longer his excuse to drink. Staying out later than usual was hard for me, but I did it. One small step at a time.
I could go on and on and on. But you get the point. This was MY way of letting go. To fill my life with things for ME and my kids. To not worry about HIM, not live my life around HIM, and to prove to myself as well as him that I could survive without him.
(Just so you know, AH has admitted that he's proud of me! He's admitted that the longer he's gone, the more it scares him that he'll never be able to come back! He knows that I can do it on my own and it scares him to death!) AH has been sober since January, but I still am not ready to take him back and I don't know that I ever will be. But you know what - I am living!!!! With or without him!!!!!! That's how I have learned to let go.
I know this is extremely long. I just hope that you can get something out of it. I know that for me, in the beginning when people would say "Do something for you", heck, I didn't know what I wanted to do so that was lost upon me. But I finally get it. Hopefully you can find the strength and belief and desire to really want to get on with your life. And once you find your way of beginning to do that, it's amazing how fast and fun it will become.
(((hugs for you)))) as well as many good wishes to you on your journey! Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
wow - great post - number 5 hit home with me. i just find i am in a funk most of the time - can't get my mojo working. i am making an appt. with a therapist soon so maybe i can work some of my issues with them in addition to doing my al-anon thing.
thanks for the "pep talk" - it's great to hear success stories!
hugs - chris
thanks for the "pep talk" - it's great to hear success stories!
hugs - chris
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Greeneyes, as you know, I wasn't trying to highjack your thread. I just wanted you to see that it can be done - and leave you happier than you've ever been. Either with your AH or without your AH.
One step at a time to YOUR recovery!
One step at a time to YOUR recovery!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Alberta
Posts: 38
I sent StandingStrong a PM to let her know how much I appreciated her powerful post and wanted to say thank you publicly - I see she had the same effect on you all. I too, have printed it out and will refer to it again and again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
StandingStrong thanks for the post. Sometimes all the rest of us need is the knowledge that it can be done. That someone out there has a happy start at a "new life" out there without the alcoholic controlling us. Good for you and good for him. Congratulations that your inner strength is helping to make your world and all of our worlds a better place!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Dallas,TX
Posts: 39
thank-you StandingStrong for your post....it had a message I needed to hear today..
I've been trying to stay focused on myself...and have been slipping...I had been putting the focus back on the alcoholic/drug addict I had been involved with..it did nothing but make me feel the hurt all over again...
I've been trying to stay focused on myself...and have been slipping...I had been putting the focus back on the alcoholic/drug addict I had been involved with..it did nothing but make me feel the hurt all over again...
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