Green Eyes: Do you believe that actions speak louder than words?
I have found that in my own situation with my own AH, that actions do speak louder than words. Not only from him to me - but from myself to him as well.
Granted, I don't know your AH and I don't know you - but for me, I knew that I needed to "get a grip" on my life. Whether my AH was in the life of my children and I was irrelevant at that point. I was ready to "get my life back" and "be happy".
One of the things that really worked for me was:
1) to do things that I had always wanted to do (even when AH did not approve). For example, I had wanted my navel peirced about 10 years ago. Of course this caused a major scene and DH basically told me if I did it, he'd divorce me. Well, one week exactly after AH moved out - I got my navel peirced!
2) I needed to quit living my life "around" AH. Yep, it's my life. So I took the kids to every small town festival I could find. (It was cheap entertainment and it got us out of the house) I was ready to LIVE so the kids and I started getting out and trying to find a life!
3) When thoughts of AH started creeping into my head, I'd remind himself of all the times he treated me with disrespect and didn't seem to give a crap about me and the kids. Why was I was wasting so much energy on him? Nope, I am worth more than that and I deserve to have a little self-respect.
4) I went on a mission to pay off all the debt that I could. I wanted AH to know that I could do it without him. I could survive without needing him!
5) When I felt the need to control something in my life when things tended to be swirling about my head - I attacked my house with a vengence! I de-cluttered, I cleaned, I organized, etc. Gotta tell ya, my house looks better than it has in a long time. I realized for me that my house was a showcase of my inner feelings.
6) I kept in mind all the time that as part of my mission - I wanted AH to know that not only did I not need him financially, I did not need him for anything. I was on a mission to prove that I am capable of handling myself! I can keep my job, I can raise my kids, I can have my friends, I can maintain my house, I can live BETTER without him.
7) I made a promise to myself that there were things that I would NOT deal with. Things that were HIS responsibility. I was no longer going to clean up his messes. I gladly gave his cell phone number to whoever was looking for him, friend-foe-bill collector-whoever! I was no longer his clean up crew!!! It was time for him to deal with his own mess.
8) I came here and read posts! I cried sometimes as I could so relate to how others were feeling. But you know what, there were also other posts of situations that were worse than mine and it reminded me that I didn't want to live that way, I didn't want my life to get to that point. It helped me to stay with my goal of getting MY life back.
9) I'm lucky enough to have some very dear and close friends. They listened to me, they let me cry on them when I felt weak but they also gave me strength as well as thier moral support. They cheered me on when I did good and they picked me up and got me back on the path when I fell. And they proved to me over and over again that I was worth more than AH was ever going to give me.
10) I tried to do ONE thing everyday. Just one thing! I had a list of goals and I was moving ever so slowly towards them. Even if my one goal of the day was to do something so simple as "Stay out later than usual". You see, AH always used my not being home if he called as an excuse to drink. You know the drill "Well, I called and you weren't home anyways" - even if he knew I was outside with the kids. Well, I was no longer going to be a prisoner in my home and I was no longer his excuse to drink. Staying out later than usual was hard for me, but I did it. One small step at a time.
I could go on and on and on. But you get the point. This was MY way of letting go. To fill my life with things for ME and my kids. To not worry about HIM, not live my life around HIM, and to prove to myself as well as him that I could survive without him.
(Just so you know, AH has admitted that he's proud of me! He's admitted that the longer he's gone, the more it scares him that he'll never be able to come back! He knows that I can do it on my own and it scares him to death!) AH has been sober since January, but I still am not ready to take him back and I don't know that I ever will be. But you know what - I am living!!!! With or without him!!!!!! That's how I have learned to let go.
I know this is extremely long. I just hope that you can get something out of it. I know that for me, in the beginning when people would say "Do something for you", heck, I didn't know what I wanted to do so that was lost upon me. But I finally get it. Hopefully you can find the strength and belief and desire to really want to get on with your life. And once you find your way of beginning to do that, it's amazing how fast and fun it will become.
(((hugs for you)))) as well as many good wishes to you on your journey! Good luck!