OT Sort of: Life after an A (complicated but ok)
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
OT Sort of: Life after an A (complicated but ok)
I haven't logged in here in a LONG time....I haven't had my XRAH in my life in a long time so I guess that's why....I moved out years ago and he and I remained friends. I'd been dating, moving on with my life and things I like, got a new job I love and new friends and I was doing well. My RAH knew all this...and said he was ok with it. Then life got complicated....so here goes:
I'm 40 years old....and I was married to my XRAH (who just relapsed so XAH I suppose) for 10 years. We are legally separated but never got divorced mainly because he had sobered up and I felt ok leaving it legally separated so he could keep his rental property (I made all the money in our relationship and he can't qualify without me on the lease) and so he could have health insurance.
Anyhow life went on I dated and I am/was ok...then I found out I had an early stage cancer in my female reproductive area. The good news is it was VERY EARLY and I got it taken care of and am cancer free as of now (just need regular check ups to make sure it doesn't return and if it does we catch it early again)...the bad news is my doctor said if I want children I need to have IVF and I need to do it now. There is no option and no time for the decision - I have a VERY small window and even with this window the IVF may not be successful (though the doctor thinks there is a good chance). The only reason I didn't have kids at this point is because I was married to an A and didn't feel right bringing a kid into that...I always wanted one....so long story short I decided to have IVF with a sperm donor (IVF == in vetro fertilization)...I know some people don't agree with IVF and that's great but if you're one of those please don't reply I agree with it and think it's ok and my mind won't change on that.
Anyway during my cancer my XRAH was very supportive and there for me...he even volunteered to be my donor for the IVF...of course this was a bad idea and I told him so...we were just friends. I guess the bottom line is I've been thinking he and I were just friends all this time and he's maybe wanted me back and not told me (I guess that's the A hiding his emotions stuff). So he relapsed and the crazy is back.
So I've decided that for the sake of my child I'm going to have to fully divorce him and move on...and he will have to figure out what to do about his lease and health insurance (we have obamacare these days anyway). I've helped him all I can I've supported him and I've been his friend but I can only do so much...when it compromises my life and my future child's life I just can't be that kind of friend anymore. It's sad and it's not going to be a pretty split I don't think but I just have to do it.
Not sure what I'm wanting here I guess words of support and encouragement! :-)
EDIT: To be clear XRAH was sober over a year and a half so that's why I let him keep my insurance and stayed on the lease...he knew the boundary was if he relapsed that would end.....
I'm 40 years old....and I was married to my XRAH (who just relapsed so XAH I suppose) for 10 years. We are legally separated but never got divorced mainly because he had sobered up and I felt ok leaving it legally separated so he could keep his rental property (I made all the money in our relationship and he can't qualify without me on the lease) and so he could have health insurance.
Anyhow life went on I dated and I am/was ok...then I found out I had an early stage cancer in my female reproductive area. The good news is it was VERY EARLY and I got it taken care of and am cancer free as of now (just need regular check ups to make sure it doesn't return and if it does we catch it early again)...the bad news is my doctor said if I want children I need to have IVF and I need to do it now. There is no option and no time for the decision - I have a VERY small window and even with this window the IVF may not be successful (though the doctor thinks there is a good chance). The only reason I didn't have kids at this point is because I was married to an A and didn't feel right bringing a kid into that...I always wanted one....so long story short I decided to have IVF with a sperm donor (IVF == in vetro fertilization)...I know some people don't agree with IVF and that's great but if you're one of those please don't reply I agree with it and think it's ok and my mind won't change on that.
Anyway during my cancer my XRAH was very supportive and there for me...he even volunteered to be my donor for the IVF...of course this was a bad idea and I told him so...we were just friends. I guess the bottom line is I've been thinking he and I were just friends all this time and he's maybe wanted me back and not told me (I guess that's the A hiding his emotions stuff). So he relapsed and the crazy is back.
So I've decided that for the sake of my child I'm going to have to fully divorce him and move on...and he will have to figure out what to do about his lease and health insurance (we have obamacare these days anyway). I've helped him all I can I've supported him and I've been his friend but I can only do so much...when it compromises my life and my future child's life I just can't be that kind of friend anymore. It's sad and it's not going to be a pretty split I don't think but I just have to do it.
Not sure what I'm wanting here I guess words of support and encouragement! :-)
EDIT: To be clear XRAH was sober over a year and a half so that's why I let him keep my insurance and stayed on the lease...he knew the boundary was if he relapsed that would end.....
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Hi, congratulations on your baby-to-be!
I applaud you for going after your dreams and doing things for yourself. Too many people wait/don't and regret it in the end.
Sounds like a good move divorcing your husband and looking out for you.
I applaud you for going after your dreams and doing things for yourself. Too many people wait/don't and regret it in the end.
Sounds like a good move divorcing your husband and looking out for you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Aeryn!
I am glad to hear you survived cancer! I think you are making wise choices - the kind of choices a future parent makes. Your resources and time will need to be on your baby. I'll pray the IVF is a success!
Peace!
I am glad to hear you survived cancer! I think you are making wise choices - the kind of choices a future parent makes. Your resources and time will need to be on your baby. I'll pray the IVF is a success!
Peace!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Thank goodness you are cancer free!
To me it sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders. As I see it you have helped him as long as you can. He chose another direction. Now you need to go yours.
To me it sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders. As I see it you have helped him as long as you can. He chose another direction. Now you need to go yours.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like you're doing very well in building your own life for yourself and your future child! I hope the IVF works, but even if it doesn't, there are many children out there who need a great mom.
Hugs, thanks for checking in with happy news!
Hugs, thanks for checking in with happy news!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Aeryn-
Welcome back and congrats!
I get the wanting children but not in the place you were at. I am working on scoping out my big picture financially right now knowing that in the next two years I would like to adopt. That is the important relationship that I have always wanted....the rest of it will work itself out.
You debated some time ago about the seperation vs divorce and you were not in the right place before for this step....and now you are.
You needed the time for the next step (don't we all), and more was revealed.
Welcome back here and congrats on the forward progress of your life!
Welcome back and congrats!
I get the wanting children but not in the place you were at. I am working on scoping out my big picture financially right now knowing that in the next two years I would like to adopt. That is the important relationship that I have always wanted....the rest of it will work itself out.
You debated some time ago about the seperation vs divorce and you were not in the right place before for this step....and now you are.
You needed the time for the next step (don't we all), and more was revealed.
Welcome back here and congrats on the forward progress of your life!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery 
Aeryn-
Welcome back and congrats!
I get the wanting children but not in the place you were at. I am working on scoping out my big picture financially right now knowing that in the next two years I would like to adopt. That is the important relationship that I have always wanted....the rest of it will work itself out.
You debated some time ago about the seperation vs divorce and you were not in the right place before for this step....and now you are.
You needed the time for the next step (don't we all), and more was revealed.
Welcome back here and congrats on the forward progress of your life!
Welcome back and congrats!
I get the wanting children but not in the place you were at. I am working on scoping out my big picture financially right now knowing that in the next two years I would like to adopt. That is the important relationship that I have always wanted....the rest of it will work itself out.
You debated some time ago about the seperation vs divorce and you were not in the right place before for this step....and now you are.
You needed the time for the next step (don't we all), and more was revealed.
Welcome back here and congrats on the forward progress of your life!
Adoption is my second option if the IVF doesn't work.....one thing I've learned from this whole A experience is life is complicated and messy sometimes but things tend to work themselves out!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by Aeryn
Good to "see" you LR! Glad to see some familiar faces after so long.
Adoption is my second option if the IVF doesn't work.....one thing I've learned from this whole A experience is life is complicated and messy sometimes but things tend to work themselves out!
Adoption is my second option if the IVF doesn't work.....one thing I've learned from this whole A experience is life is complicated and messy sometimes but things tend to work themselves out!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Congratulations to you and your new baby. I only wanted to add that even though I was on the fence about when to start divorce proceedings with my XAH, I felt so much better after it was finished. We still co-parent our DD18, and are friendly to each other, but now I feel like there are set boundaries, and my life can move on the way I choose. I think you will also feel a sense of relief once you start.
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Yeah I'm not sure the divorce for me is anything but a formality at this point. I've never felt any anxiety about the decision not to divorce I just knew that decision was dependent on him continuing his recovery and with a baby even a slip just is a deal breaker. I live in a liberal area so I think attitudes are different here towards that sort of thing so maybe that's why it never phased me.
...it's more that the friendship can't continue either...I just can't have a relapsing alcoholic in my life now that a baby is coming.
Thing is I'm not anxious about it at all, I know it's what needs done, it's weird. Now am I a little scared to be a single mom? Sure! But I know I can do it....
...it's more that the friendship can't continue either...I just can't have a relapsing alcoholic in my life now that a baby is coming.
Thing is I'm not anxious about it at all, I know it's what needs done, it's weird. Now am I a little scared to be a single mom? Sure! But I know I can do it....
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