Aeryn

I haven't logged in here in a LONG time....I haven't had my XRAH in my life in a long time so I guess that's why....I moved out years ago and he and I remained friends. I'd been dating, moving on with my life and things I like, got a new job I love and new friends and I was doing well. My RAH knew all this...and said he was ok with it. Then life got complicated....so here goes:

I'm 40 years old....and I was married to my XRAH (who just relapsed so XAH I suppose) for 10 years. We are legally separated but never got divorced mainly because he had sobered up and I felt ok leaving it legally separated so he could keep his rental property (I made all the money in our relationship and he can't qualify without me on the lease) and so he could have health insurance.

Anyhow life went on I dated and I am/was ok...then I found out I had an early stage cancer in my female reproductive area. The good news is it was VERY EARLY and I got it taken care of and am cancer free as of now (just need regular check ups to make sure it doesn't return and if it does we catch it early again)...the bad news is my doctor said if I want children I need to have IVF and I need to do it now. There is no option and no time for the decision - I have a VERY small window and even with this window the IVF may not be successful (though the doctor thinks there is a good chance). The only reason I didn't have kids at this point is because I was married to an A and didn't feel right bringing a kid into that...I always wanted one....so long story short I decided to have IVF with a sperm donor (IVF == in vetro fertilization)...I know some people don't agree with IVF and that's great but if you're one of those please don't reply I agree with it and think it's ok and my mind won't change on that.

Anyway during my cancer my XRAH was very supportive and there for me...he even volunteered to be my donor for the IVF...of course this was a bad idea and I told him so...we were just friends. I guess the bottom line is I've been thinking he and I were just friends all this time and he's maybe wanted me back and not told me (I guess that's the A hiding his emotions stuff). So he relapsed and the crazy is back.

So I've decided that for the sake of my child I'm going to have to fully divorce him and move on...and he will have to figure out what to do about his lease and health insurance (we have obamacare these days anyway). I've helped him all I can I've supported him and I've been his friend but I can only do so much...when it compromises my life and my future child's life I just can't be that kind of friend anymore. It's sad and it's not going to be a pretty split I don't think but I just have to do it.

Not sure what I'm wanting here I guess words of support and encouragement! :-)

EDIT: To be clear XRAH was sober over a year and a half so that's why I let him keep my insurance and stayed on the lease...he knew the boundary was if he relapsed that would end.....