Ugh HELP! Conflicted overalcoholic Ex!
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Ugh HELP! Conflicted overalcoholic Ex!
I recently ended a long distance relationship with an alcoholic, we were together for 3 ˝ years and I finally had enough, it was obvious we were never going to be able to have a REAL life together. I am trying to rid of him as much as possible, I was going to block him from my phone but there is still that part of me that finds it really hard to completely let go, of course I still love him and hold hope that he’ll get help. I am certainly working very hard on moving on BUT then there are moments like this that really pressure me and guilt me into talking to him or helping him out.
I need your advice on what to do in this situation, although the smart girl in me wants to say NO, there is this very human part that loves him and wonders should I help him out.
He is threatening to use his parents car (because his is out of gas) and drive to a Wal-Mart to steal so he can pawn things for money to buy more booze. Of course he is driving drunk, is known to have seizures, has a suspended license, etc, etc....basically a terrible idea (certainly not the first time he has pulled dumb **** like this). Of course it made me cave at the no contact I was trying to stick to so I could talk him out of it and of course he begged me to send him money. I kept telling him NO, I do not want to contribute to his addiction but I certainly don't want him driving his parents car drunk and stealing and pawning things. He made me feel like an ******* for not wanting to help him.
Do I keep strong and not send the money OR do I help him out so he doesn't do something really, really stupid and end up in a worse situation?!
I need your advice on what to do in this situation, although the smart girl in me wants to say NO, there is this very human part that loves him and wonders should I help him out.
He is threatening to use his parents car (because his is out of gas) and drive to a Wal-Mart to steal so he can pawn things for money to buy more booze. Of course he is driving drunk, is known to have seizures, has a suspended license, etc, etc....basically a terrible idea (certainly not the first time he has pulled dumb **** like this). Of course it made me cave at the no contact I was trying to stick to so I could talk him out of it and of course he begged me to send him money. I kept telling him NO, I do not want to contribute to his addiction but I certainly don't want him driving his parents car drunk and stealing and pawning things. He made me feel like an ******* for not wanting to help him.
Do I keep strong and not send the money OR do I help him out so he doesn't do something really, really stupid and end up in a worse situation?!
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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This sounds like classic manipulation. Any time a threat comes with a demand, the situation is just not healthy. If it were me I would stick to my word and not send him money. Honestly, if he really is going to drive drunk, steal, pawn and drink he will eventually do it whether you send money right now or not. Think about what is best for you.
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[QUOTE=JKSGRL;5271779]
He is threatening to use his parents car (because his is out of gas) and drive to a Wal-Mart to steal so he can pawn things for money to buy more booze. Of course he is driving drunk, is known to have seizures, has a suspended license, etc, etc....basically a terrible idea (certainly not the first time he has pulled dumb **** like this). Of course it made me cave at the no contact I was trying to stick to so I could talk him out of it and of course he begged me to send him money. I kept telling him NO, I do not want to contribute to his addiction but I certainly don't want him driving his parents car drunk and stealing and pawning things. He made me feel like an ******* for not wanting to help him.
Jk, see what you wrote, he is going to do whatever he wants to do whether you are with him or not. Block him out of your life and give yourself time to heal and get out of the crazies!
He is threatening to use his parents car (because his is out of gas) and drive to a Wal-Mart to steal so he can pawn things for money to buy more booze. Of course he is driving drunk, is known to have seizures, has a suspended license, etc, etc....basically a terrible idea (certainly not the first time he has pulled dumb **** like this). Of course it made me cave at the no contact I was trying to stick to so I could talk him out of it and of course he begged me to send him money. I kept telling him NO, I do not want to contribute to his addiction but I certainly don't want him driving his parents car drunk and stealing and pawning things. He made me feel like an ******* for not wanting to help him.
Jk, see what you wrote, he is going to do whatever he wants to do whether you are with him or not. Block him out of your life and give yourself time to heal and get out of the crazies!
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Maybe the biggest favor you could do is call his bluff. If he really goes thru with it then he will get caught and be made to dry out for a little while and think about what he is doing to himself and those around him. Not such a bad thing to let him feel the consequences of his poor decisions. And the best part is, you don't have to be a part, and you don't have to own any of his mess he creates.
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I don't think sending him money would help either of you.
Also, if you understand how to not give in to children (and we codies do often function like parents to our As) who throw tantrums to get their way, you learn that if his behavior escalates to get what he wants, he learns that your boundries only hold until he escalates enough. Then, the next time you try to set a boundary, he will escalate more because he's learned that's what works. If you do hold the next boundary and not give in, it's going to be worse than this time.
With As and Narcs, they will also switch back and forth between charm and anger to pressure and manipulate, imo.
It's kind of up to us to decide how much we can take and where to draw that final boundary. Just hold on to the "3 Cs"!
There's a lot of good reading if you google "setting boundaries and extinction bursts".
I'm sorry you're being manipulated.
Also, if you understand how to not give in to children (and we codies do often function like parents to our As) who throw tantrums to get their way, you learn that if his behavior escalates to get what he wants, he learns that your boundries only hold until he escalates enough. Then, the next time you try to set a boundary, he will escalate more because he's learned that's what works. If you do hold the next boundary and not give in, it's going to be worse than this time.
With As and Narcs, they will also switch back and forth between charm and anger to pressure and manipulate, imo.
It's kind of up to us to decide how much we can take and where to draw that final boundary. Just hold on to the "3 Cs"!
There's a lot of good reading if you google "setting boundaries and extinction bursts".
I'm sorry you're being manipulated.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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He just called me again from the parking lot saying he was nervous. I said, please don’t do it, he said he didn't have any other choice. I told him he had the choice to go home and get sober but he said “well off to shop lifting I go”. Ugh…will it ever change?!!! When is it enough?!
Thanks for your advice guys, my head was spinning a little and then hearing his voice just now, I realized how many times I had been through this exact scenario and the promises that he will "wean off" or "just this one time", yeah well he never followed through with that. He usually just drinks until he is hospitalized and stays sober for a while only to go right back to it. I don’t want to be a part of it any longer. I had great sympathy for his situation for a long time, but his recent behaviors have definitely changed that. And the guilt of “helping him out” really, really took a toll on me….I used to think what if the bottle that kills him is the one I helped buy for him?! I can’t take that, so I will stick to my guns and go back to no contact. Of course I will worry though….
It's crazy because he was doing SO WELL there for a while and I didn't think he would ever get to this point again, it's actually worse than it's ever been. He has been hospitalized twice in the last month and still continues to drink and his behaviors have become more dangerous and irrational.
I want to have hope for him but he is almost 35, lives with his parents (they won’t kick him out because they figure he is going to die soon anyways, they might as well let him die in a safe place), is unemployed, his son no longer wants anything to do with him, his friends have disappeared, now his girl and still he doesn’t even seem remotely interested in changing things….how in the hell is that possible?! Where is his rock bottom?!
I am still educating myself on this disease but I can’t seem to wrap my brain around it. I have had issues with alcohol in the past but NOTHING like this, I just can’t fathom it. I still struggle with completely walking away, I know he has put himself in this situation and refuses help but do you still abandon someone in this situation? He is still human, people need love regardless of how ****** they can be, right? Is it healthy for me to be in his life in any way? Even if I just continue phone conversations with him? If/when he dies is it better that you knew you were still there for them loving them or is it better to let go now? I know I need to do what is best for ME and I am not sure witnessing him “killing himself” is the right thing to do for ME…..
Thanks for your advice guys, my head was spinning a little and then hearing his voice just now, I realized how many times I had been through this exact scenario and the promises that he will "wean off" or "just this one time", yeah well he never followed through with that. He usually just drinks until he is hospitalized and stays sober for a while only to go right back to it. I don’t want to be a part of it any longer. I had great sympathy for his situation for a long time, but his recent behaviors have definitely changed that. And the guilt of “helping him out” really, really took a toll on me….I used to think what if the bottle that kills him is the one I helped buy for him?! I can’t take that, so I will stick to my guns and go back to no contact. Of course I will worry though….
It's crazy because he was doing SO WELL there for a while and I didn't think he would ever get to this point again, it's actually worse than it's ever been. He has been hospitalized twice in the last month and still continues to drink and his behaviors have become more dangerous and irrational.
I want to have hope for him but he is almost 35, lives with his parents (they won’t kick him out because they figure he is going to die soon anyways, they might as well let him die in a safe place), is unemployed, his son no longer wants anything to do with him, his friends have disappeared, now his girl and still he doesn’t even seem remotely interested in changing things….how in the hell is that possible?! Where is his rock bottom?!
I am still educating myself on this disease but I can’t seem to wrap my brain around it. I have had issues with alcohol in the past but NOTHING like this, I just can’t fathom it. I still struggle with completely walking away, I know he has put himself in this situation and refuses help but do you still abandon someone in this situation? He is still human, people need love regardless of how ****** they can be, right? Is it healthy for me to be in his life in any way? Even if I just continue phone conversations with him? If/when he dies is it better that you knew you were still there for them loving them or is it better to let go now? I know I need to do what is best for ME and I am not sure witnessing him “killing himself” is the right thing to do for ME…..
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Another example of:
Alcoholics don’t have relationships – they take hostages. And often we hostages are willing volunteers.
STOP negotiating with him. You are free !!!!
Allow him the dignity to suffer the natural consequences of his choices. Just like you will suffer the natural consequences of your choice to keep answering his phone calls.
If you are worried about others people’s safety on the road should be chose to drive, then by all means contact the local police in his area and share your concerns.
Alcoholics don’t have relationships – they take hostages. And often we hostages are willing volunteers.
STOP negotiating with him. You are free !!!!
Allow him the dignity to suffer the natural consequences of his choices. Just like you will suffer the natural consequences of your choice to keep answering his phone calls.
If you are worried about others people’s safety on the road should be chose to drive, then by all means contact the local police in his area and share your concerns.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by atalose 
Another example of:
Alcoholics don’t have relationships – they take hostages. And often we hostages are willing volunteers.
STOP negotiating with him. You are free !!!!
Allow him the dignity to suffer the natural consequences of his choices. Just like you will suffer the natural consequences of your choice to keep answering his phone calls.
If you are worried about others people’s safety on the road should be chose to drive, then by all means contact the local police in his area and share your concerns.
Alcoholics don’t have relationships – they take hostages. And often we hostages are willing volunteers.
STOP negotiating with him. You are free !!!!
Allow him the dignity to suffer the natural consequences of his choices. Just like you will suffer the natural consequences of your choice to keep answering his phone calls.
If you are worried about others people’s safety on the road should be chose to drive, then by all means contact the local police in his area and share your concerns.
As for calling the police I would but I really don't know what car he is driving and I had tried calling the cops on him before and they said "they would try to get to it".
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Originally Posted by TalenCrowhaven
I don't think sending him money would help either of you.
Also, if you understand how to not give in to children (and we codies do often function like parents to our As) who throw tantrums to get their way, you learn that if his behavior escalates to get what he wants, he learns that your boundries only hold until he escalates enough. Then, the next time you try to set a boundary, he will escalate more because he's learned that's what works. If you do hold the next boundary and not give in, it's going to be worse than this time.
With As and Narcs, they will also switch back and forth between charm and anger to pressure and manipulate, imo.
It's kind of up to us to decide how much we can take and where to draw that final boundary. Just hold on to the "3 Cs"!
There's a lot of good reading if you google "setting boundaries and extinction bursts".
I'm sorry you're being manipulated.
Also, if you understand how to not give in to children (and we codies do often function like parents to our As) who throw tantrums to get their way, you learn that if his behavior escalates to get what he wants, he learns that your boundries only hold until he escalates enough. Then, the next time you try to set a boundary, he will escalate more because he's learned that's what works. If you do hold the next boundary and not give in, it's going to be worse than this time.
With As and Narcs, they will also switch back and forth between charm and anger to pressure and manipulate, imo.
It's kind of up to us to decide how much we can take and where to draw that final boundary. Just hold on to the "3 Cs"!
There's a lot of good reading if you google "setting boundaries and extinction bursts".
I'm sorry you're being manipulated.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Originally Posted by Katchie
Maybe the biggest favor you could do is call his bluff. If he really goes thru with it then he will get caught and be made to dry out for a little while and think about what he is doing to himself and those around him. Not such a bad thing to let him feel the consequences of his poor decisions. And the best part is, you don't have to be a part, and you don't have to own any of his mess he creates.
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The very best thing for you would be to block him from contacting you in any way. Continuing to have contact with him only keeps you upset and sets you back in your recovery. He will do whatever he feels the need to do in order to get alcohol and that includes lying to you and threatening to do something stupid so you'll cave in. Don't get involved!
If you ended the relationship as you say, then there is no reason to continue being in contact with him. Do yourself a favor and cut him off.
If you ended the relationship as you say, then there is no reason to continue being in contact with him. Do yourself a favor and cut him off.
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You are trying to micro-manage an alcoholic from a distance. You might as well go find the nearest brick wall and bang your head against it. Least that way you'll see the results of your efforts.
Police are not magicians they can only go with the information they are given.
An address of where he resides would lead them to what vehicles may be at his disposal. And God for bit he kills someone while out on his ill adventures to obtain alcohol at least you can say you sounded an alarm.
Police are not magicians they can only go with the information they are given.
An address of where he resides would lead them to what vehicles may be at his disposal. And God for bit he kills someone while out on his ill adventures to obtain alcohol at least you can say you sounded an alarm.
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Originally Posted by atalose
You are trying to micro-manage an alcoholic from a distance. You might as well go find the nearest brick wall and bang your head against it. Least that way you'll see the results of your efforts.
Police are not magicians they can only go with the information they are given.
An address of where he resides would lead them to what vehicles may be at his disposal. And God for bit he kills someone while out on his ill adventures to obtain alcohol at least you can say you sounded an alarm.
Police are not magicians they can only go with the information they are given.
An address of where he resides would lead them to what vehicles may be at his disposal. And God for bit he kills someone while out on his ill adventures to obtain alcohol at least you can say you sounded an alarm.
Surely he would know it was me that called....and his anger scares me and again I am not sure they would take him away if his parents covered for him.
He is already at the Wal-Mart and I'm not sure what I can do at this point or if getting involved is the right choice. Yes trying to micro manage this from here is certainly frustrating
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He has already stolen a few things and is on the way to the pawn shop. Yeah.....I can't help him. I hate that he is on the road in his state, although he lives right up the road, anything could happen.....
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Do.not.get.involved.
I do know it's a hopeless situation and I am making big strides in finally moving on, but I certainly have my weak moments. Thank you everyone for keeping me strong and getting my head back in the right place!
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Quit getting the play by play. Turn your phone off and do something to treat yourself.
Trust me I used to have "weak moments" as well.
When you finally come to terms with the fact that he is a big boy who wants to steal things so he can drink, the weak moments become few and far between.
I have to WORK for the things I want, screw someone who just thinks the rules don't apply to them.
Trust me I used to have "weak moments" as well.
When you finally come to terms with the fact that he is a big boy who wants to steal things so he can drink, the weak moments become few and far between.
I have to WORK for the things I want, screw someone who just thinks the rules don't apply to them.
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