Rescuing no more
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Rescuing no more
I love recovery. It has taught me so much about me and about how I used to interact with people especially friends and lovers/spouses/etc. I met a man recently whom I started to see very briefly and shortly after our first date, he told me he wasn't over his xgf. Red flag number 1...yep, I noticed it, lol. Years ago I would have thought I'd just sleep with him and convince him to get over her, LOL.
So, we get along really well as friends and have chosen to stay in a friendship with each other. No romantic notions, no flirting, etc. He has been honest with me from the beginning and we actually would be a good couple if either one of us were ready for it....but we're not. I'm not and he's not.
He recently called me telling me about a fight he had with his X, where she made it clear they were over for good. He asked me to come over and just lay with him (then followed it up and said that, as friends, it's probably not a good idea....ya think?)....UM, nope, not going there. What I was willing to do was share what I knew about grief, we talked about God and being in His will, and I told him I'd pray for him.
It feels good to see red flags. It feels good for me to know that I can step out of the enabler role and not have to fix everybody's problems. I love the fact that I can now support people from a distance if necessary, that I can be a friend without crossing lines or boundaries or compromising my convictions or beliefs. I feel like my eyes are so much more open and that I finally understand what boundaries are and what red flags mean. A friend of mine in program always tells us, "Don't turn a red flag into a yellow flag into a green flag...."
I just had to share, you all, because many years ago I wouldn't have been able to step back. I would have jumped in and fixed and fixed and then wondered why I got dumped or why I was being used for sex or whatever. It feels good to let people be responsible for themselves. Hope you all have a great week!
So, we get along really well as friends and have chosen to stay in a friendship with each other. No romantic notions, no flirting, etc. He has been honest with me from the beginning and we actually would be a good couple if either one of us were ready for it....but we're not. I'm not and he's not.
He recently called me telling me about a fight he had with his X, where she made it clear they were over for good. He asked me to come over and just lay with him (then followed it up and said that, as friends, it's probably not a good idea....ya think?)....UM, nope, not going there. What I was willing to do was share what I knew about grief, we talked about God and being in His will, and I told him I'd pray for him.
It feels good to see red flags. It feels good for me to know that I can step out of the enabler role and not have to fix everybody's problems. I love the fact that I can now support people from a distance if necessary, that I can be a friend without crossing lines or boundaries or compromising my convictions or beliefs. I feel like my eyes are so much more open and that I finally understand what boundaries are and what red flags mean. A friend of mine in program always tells us, "Don't turn a red flag into a yellow flag into a green flag...."
I just had to share, you all, because many years ago I wouldn't have been able to step back. I would have jumped in and fixed and fixed and then wondered why I got dumped or why I was being used for sex or whatever. It feels good to let people be responsible for themselves. Hope you all have a great week!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL, I'm not surprised. But good for YOU, liz, for keeping your eyes wide open. You're absolutely right--neither of you is ready for a relationship just yet. You'd be a bandaid for him.
Keep on keepin' on--you're doing great!
Keep on keepin' on--you're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Good for you Liza. I recently met a guy who seemed alright. However, after two or three nights of talking on the phone, he began to call me at inappropriate times. I expressed my displeasure and already knew that I was done, but it was another few days before I actually blocked his number...still, in the past, I would have accepted the disrespect, probably answered the late night calls and more...
Glad you made a friend. Sounds like you both can benefit from you learning to flex your muscles and stand your ground on your boundaries of what is and is not acceptable.
Glad you made a friend. Sounds like you both can benefit from you learning to flex your muscles and stand your ground on your boundaries of what is and is not acceptable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Fandy 
I'm flabbergasted that he had the cajones to even ASK you to "come over and just lay with me"....
what a GIANT CROCK of steamy Quack.
what a GIANT CROCK of steamy Quack.
Now, I'm not going to lie and say that we haven't messed around....but, we both have been honest and up front about where we're at and what we both want moving forward. Any decisions I make surrounding this friendship are done with eyes wide open knowing exactly where I am at and where he is at. No fantasies, no denial, and no head buried in the sand. That is what recovery has done for me. I am allowed to be an adult and to have frienships, relationships, romances, etc if I want to and be willing to take responsibility for my role, etc.
Life is good. It's really refreshing to not live in fantasy land anymore. Reality may not always be pretty, but it's far easier to deal with than having unmet expectations and living on the crazy train!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by lizatola
No fantasies, no denial, and no head buried in the sand. That is what recovery has done for me. I am allowed to be an adult and to have frienships, relationships, romances, etc if I want to and be willing to take responsibility for my role, etc.
Life is good. It's really refreshing to not live in fantasy land anymore. Reality may not always be pretty, but it's far easier to deal with than having unmet expectations and living on the crazy train!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
