blossom1

i dont really know where i am right now, i have been with my bf for nearly 10 years and i think he is an alcoholic but he doesnt agree, he drinks everyday, not to obilvion but still everyday, hr smokes smokes skunk everyday and now the last month he is back at work and has money he is doing coke and pills at the weekend, apparently he is just having a good time. when off his face he can watch porn for hours on end. i knew he drank when we got together but i enjoy a drink too and didnt realise what was really going on, we used to do coke together too so then he calls me a hypocrite but i havent done coke for 2 years coz i want to live my life. we have argued and been violent to each other in the past when drunk but that is not my life anymore. we spilt uplast year for 6 months coz he thought i had cheated (untrue) and in that time i started getting my life back on track then stupidly i thought we could make it work,since then when we row he throws my supposed infidelity back in my face and calls me the worst names possible.. it came to head again this weekend, i knew he had taken coke but he kept denying it so we had a row and he stormed, when i woke up at 4 in the morning he was down stairs with some skanky woman he used to sleep with before me, they were both out of it and naked from the waist down watching porn, sitting on my sofa in my house! i cant believe that he would humiliate me in this way and show me such little respect,it breaks my heart and my will to live.we eventually spoke on sunday and he was in bits telling me he doesnt know what he is doing, he loves me and he has a problem, and that he would get help,i told we couldnt be together as a couple but i would help him, this lasted until yesterday, now he doesnt need help he can do it on his own. what iam i supposed to do? i know the man he can be and thats what i want,not this, it just seems like it is getting worse everytime

Sungrl

Some things for me are just automatic deal breakers.

If my supposed boyfriend was with another women (skank or not) naked from the waist down in my house, on my couch, (yuk) that would definitely be one of them.

My x was an alcoholic casual coke user and I put up with that a lot longer then I should have. Other women were never an issues BUT I found myself wishing they were. I would have dumped him a lot earlier.

Sorry this is happening to you.

amberly

" Other women were never an issues BUT I found myself wishing they were. I would have dumped him a lot earlier. "

Oh my gosh- I thought I was the only one who felt this way.

littlesister1

Kick his ass out and change the locks

SparkleKitty

There isn't anything you can do to help him. When it comes to addiction, only he can help himself. And you've seen how long the desire to do that lasted.

I have stayed enmeshed with people based solely on their potential to be someone they aren't far longer than was healthy for me. You're not imagining things, it's getting worse every time. You don't need a front row seat to his drama and chaos.

Should he ever choose to get help and honestly embrace recovery, maybe you two can reconnect someday. You'd know it if you saw it. You haven't seen it yet.

blossom1

its his house in name even if nothing else, i just feel so lost, i want to believe that things can be different, why does he do this? why cant he admit he has a problem? i feel coz i used to do it with him that i cant judge or maybe that is what he made me believe... i just dont know anymore

SparkleKitty

Another question: Why would I rather believe things are different than accept them as they are?

The difference between him and you is that he is an addict and you aren't. And that is the answer to the other questions as well:

Why does he do this? Because he is an addict.
Why can't he admit he has a problem? Because he is an addict.

You can spend the rest of your life trying to understand an addict's choices or behaviors, but in the end all you will have done is NOT spent that time and energy understanding yourself and making your life better regardless of what the addict does or why.

blossom1

i see what u r saying it just makes me feel like a failure, his mum, dad and family all think that i can help him and that if i walk away he will self destruct, how can i have that on mt concious, they would never forgive me and i wouldnt forgive myself

littlesister1

His family is WRONG

He is a grown up and you CAN'T SAVE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF

I know, I spent a year trying to save my brother.

SparkleKitty

Blossom has anything you've done so far made a difference? Is there ANY evidence that you have ever helped him?

He's an adult, he's not a child who can't help himself.

Blossom717

Blossom1 (yay theres another blossom!) - I asked myself those questions...why can't he just see he has a problem, when it is so apparent to me and everyone else. They don't want to see the problem inside of them. You can't pull it out of them, they will tear you down before admitting they have a problem.

It sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this! Its not fun and its exhausting

blossom1

thank u for all your kind words i just cant see a way out. i fin work early every day this week so i could be here when he gets home to talk but today i have bought wine and started drinking before he gets in so maybe i am as bad as him, feeling like i am not coping at all, i just want to run away, i am dreading him coming home coz it will be the same all over again, he wont admit anything, all i can see is him and her sitting there like they were surprised that i was upset!!!!

1Datatime

What you said answered my questions, and the answers are SO obvious. Why haven't a realized my AH drinks because he is an addict and can't admit he has a problem because he is an addict. Wow. Thank you for the eye opener. :-)

SparkleKitty

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic, but it doesn't change my answers. This stuff is simple, but no one ever said it was easy.

blossom1

he has just come in and now i am the one who is out of order for not replying to his text earlier and still being in his house!! that i have paid for the last 3 years. why do i find it so hard to walk away coz i feel guilty. couldnt i of done more? doesnt he love me enough to change?

SparkleKitty

Please for your own good let go of this idea that love is stronger than addiction. If that were the case, this forum wouldn't exist and none of us would be here.

blossom1

i am stupid and not knowing what will happen next, i am scared, what will become of me? nobody gives a **** and i still want to help him, he wont even speak to me now.

SparkleKitty

You're not stupid. People care. You've had some wine and are dealing with a lot of stuff. Maybe it's time to get some sleep and be by yourself as much as possible.

blossom1

who cares? i dont ven think i do anymore and even as i write this i know i still care, please tell me what to do?

littlesister1

Walk away

Love is NOT about suffering

PERIOD