SparkleKitty

Everyone reading this board cares or they wouldn't be here, and almost every single one of us has felt the exact same way you feel right now at some point. You're not alone.

You are not going to feel this way forever. It's temporary. For right now, just try to remember that you have choices in life, even if you can't see clearly what they are right now.

Try to be nicer to yourself, blossom1. You really do deserve it.

theuncertainty

Blossom, you're not stupid; you're tangled up with an addict. All you NEED to right now is breathe. A nice deep breath. Others have already said it, but his family is WRONG. You are not responsible for getting him clean. He won't self-destruct if you leave. The relationship ended before and he's still around.

If and when he does dive further off into his addictions, it won't be _because_ of you being gone or of you being there. Nothing you say or do causes him to use. Nothing you don't do or don't say causes him to use.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

What do you do? Are you asking what do you do for him? --
There's nothing you can do to actually make him let go of his addictions. He doesn't sound like he's interested in changing. He's not going to change until _he_ wants to. And you can't make him want to.

What do you do? Are you asking what to do for you? -- Let him go. Untangle yourself from him. Keep posting here for support. Maybe attend a few AlAnon or NarAnon meetings for in-person support?

OK, it's his house. You've paid on it for 3 years. He's asked you to go. It may seem unfair and harsh seeing as he's the one pulling stunts like that, but it really could be a gift for you. Can you look at it as rent paid and let that thought, and where ever it's trying to go, go? Do you have some place you can go? Friends or family you could stay with?

atalose

Find your self esteem and leave this toxic relationship.

His mum, dad and family rather you deal with him so they don’t have to, right?

Honey he’s not going to self-destruct – that’s you telling yourself that so you can hold on.

It appears that he’s going to do whatever he wants to do whether you are there or not.

He is doing absolutely NOTHING to keep you so why are you fighting so hard to stay?

amberly

Setting up boundaries, leaving him, or making him leave does not mean you won't still care. The heart doesn't work that way. But try to be half as loving to yourself as you are to him and you will be able to handle this.

blossom1

i just found his skank,s knickers which the night it happened he came to bed around his neck, in my bathroom bin, it makees me feel physically sick, after all we spoke about and this
.still happens. hehas no respect for me and yet imstill here whos got the problem

blossom1

so now i have just found the skank/s knickers in my bathroom bin, this was after he got into my bed that night with them round his neck, i thought maybe out of somel respect for me that he would get rid of them, how wrong i was!!! i know i should walk away, this is what i would tell any friend of mine, so why cant i? i feel so stupid and crappy, i want to break her ******* neck first and then his

NYCDoglvr

Is your life going in the direction you want it to? If not YOU have to make changes. Alanon gave me the help and support I needed to change course and ditch a very bad relationship ... I recommend it.

maia1234

Last thing he said, is that he didn't need you and that he can take care of himself.

Let him!!

Get some help for yourself (you might try and watch your drinking also) Read about addiction, and educate yourself. Its a tough reality that you can not help him. He has to do this on his own. He's an addict!!

1Datatime

@sparklekitty, no I wasn't being sarcastic, but now I can see how it would look that way. Sorry!

SparkleKitty

No worries! I'm glad something I said was helpful to you!

theuncertainty

I don't know if its the same for you, but it might be a bit similar. I didn't let go of the relationship - even after realizing AXH was not just an alcoholic but abusive, even after he moved in with a GF - because I was holding onto expectations and guilt and I didn't want to fail. I expected him to treat me well because that is what _I_ would do. I expected him to be an involved partner with me and parent to our DS, again, because that is what _I_ would do. And I assumed his values were the same as mine. I felt horrible thinking I'd failed in helping him or keeping our marriage together. And all of the expectations I was holding onto were also tied up to a dream: I really, really wanted the family I'd thought we could be.

The easiest part for me was letting go of the fear of failure, because I realized that I had tried everything I could think of try to help and it was not helping him or me. I realized that nothing I did was going to change the dynamics of our relationship in a meaningful way until he started trying to change, too.

The hardest part for me was adjusting and then letting go of my expectations. It wasn't so much letting go of the dream of being the family I wanted us to be as it was realizing that my expectations that AXH be the partner and father that I wanted him to be were completely unrealistic. It meant realizing that I didn't need to let go of my dream for a family, but that I needed to let go of the idea that AXH would participate the way I thought he should. Yes, he'll always be DS's father, but he will never fit the part of "husband" and "dad" in my picture of 'Family'. It's just now how he thinks or behaves or interacts with other people.

You're not stupid. I'm sorry you feel crappy. The end of even relatively 'good' relationships is hard. Throw in addictions and the behaviors that go with that, and, well... it can get ugly. I think sitting down and figuring out what your hooks are (what is keeping you tangled up with him) would help you figure out how to get your feet back under you.

killerinstinct

My question is where did the half naked girl come from if you were dating for ten years and he slept with her ten years ago? Do you think she's always been around you just didn't know it? Or he just really contacted her out of the blue? That's awful behaviour on his part. I am so sorry for you.

blossom1

uncertainty-i dont know if i have done the right thing u will probtell me no, i am not ready to give up on me and him yet, i know there is more, i cannot fail at this, i have too much invested in us, he made an admisson tonight and made that phonecall, my heart soared, everything is not ok but i cannot give up
killer instinct-i dont know the answer but my gut tells me no but ur right his behaviour is awful but i dont believe that is him, i believe we can do this

Spalding

Blossom, it's not about 'we can do this' or 'i cannot fail' at this point. You CANNOT change him. It's not possible. He has to be the one to work at this, and change for himself (and no one else, including you.)

It's absolutely painful how much you must have invested in this. Yes. BUT. You do not want to keep investing and realize how much farther down the line that you got nowhere in the end, and you could have gotten out sooner. Investing more will get you and him nowhere, or even farther behind.

You can't change it. You can't fix it. Save yourself now. His actions are not a reflection on you, or your ability, or worthiness in a relationship.

Tuesday1969

i know the man he can be and thats what i want,not this

this right here is the problem. What you see before you, the drugs, the alcohol, the skank on the couch, the porn. THIS is what he IS.

It really doesnt matter what he CAN be. Anyone "can be" something, but its up to THEM to BE it.

he is an adult and it is NOT your responsibility

I have just learnt this lesson myself

maia1234

I waited 34 years for mine to grow up. They never do!!Now Im 50 and all alone.

If I only new back then, what I could have done to save my life, and stopped trying to save his!! Boy, my life would be different.

atalose

If you feel the deep desire to jump into the cesspool for another lap then that is your choice.

It's no longer a mistake it's a conscious eyes wide open decision to remain in a relationship where there is no respect, trust or love. And if that's the kind of relationship that works for you then none of us can be of any help to you because the man you think he can be isn't the man you are actually living with. And the man you hope he can become isn't coming home any time soon and if he does that man won't be sticking around too long.

killerinstinct

It takes COURAGE and POWER to leave PROPERLY.

FREEDOM is a lonely road but you'll be free from abuse and begin to see the situation as a spectator and then you'll have days when you're so thankful you aren't being treated like **** - even if you feel lonely and have to cry yourself to sleep.

Its a long hard road ahead, but at least you will have a second chance at life.

KI

Duckygirl1

Here's what to do. Don't waste another 10 years. Run and don't look back. Addicts will survive.

theuncertainty

(((((hugs))))) No, I won't tell you that you did the wrong thing. I stayed with AXH for 16 years. Off and on, but 16 years. I had reasons, which sounded very similar to yours. A lot of those years were challenging, to say the least, but not all. There were many, many times when he seemed sincere, loving... so capable of stopping. I was sure he was going to change, that *this* time he'd really stop drinking. So I kept hoping for change.

You said you have too much invested. I thought the same. Initially, I thought he had just as much invested. But as time went on, he put in less and less to us. My staying was like throwing good money after bad.

I'm not here to tell you that you have to leave, or have to let him go (though, it sounds like he's told you to go). I can tell you, though, that nothing I did made any difference. That the time I spent waiting for him and just 'dealing' with his horrid behavior was the worst investment I ever made in myself.