Tuesday1969

About two years ago I met a guy and we became very good friends. Kind of like Elaine and jerry on Seinfeld, helping each other with our respective dating woes etc.

During that time I kind of knew he drank a bit, as sometimes, I'd get drunk messages and heaps and heaps on any one night with none making sense. But I wasn't really concerned as I wasn't romantically involved with him until about a week ago when we just kind of realised that we had something. He is 44.

Recently he found out he had to move, and because i had a spare room and he was desperate, I decided to offer it to him. And he was going to move in in early April .

We slept together for the first time this weekend just gone and I felt really happy, he was really happy too , everything was great.

Then last night he texted and called me, drunk, wanting me to come over immediately and go out and "party" . I said look I can't just drop everything and come in 5 minutes and he ended up hanging up on me. He has done this before, wants me to drop everything and come over NOW.

I was really angry that he could just call and demand something and then hang up and leave me, not caring about how I felt.

So I decided to drive over as I have a key, and see what goes on when he is like this at home. I let myself in and he was really happy to see me, he was listening to music , pretty much going mental dancing, but he was doing things like spitting on the floor, and then he got naked and was peeing out the window , and then he spilt win all over me. I didn't have much to drink just a few sips as I was driving home soon.

I love a drink and we did get drunk last Friday night and had a fantastic time out dancing at clubs. But I'm not someone who gets plastered at home on a random week night for no reason, and not someone who would get drunk more than once a week. I don't drink much. I probably get "drunk" maybe 3 times a year.

I'm 45" I've done all that in my 20s and early 30s and I just want to be healthy. He has done it too, he spent most of his 20s and 30s as a musician. And it seems like he hasn't left that kind of lifestyle behind.

So it dawned on me last night watching him that this is what I'll be living with. Drunkeness. And I thought, I just can't. So I asked him is this what's going to happen at my place. And he assured me no, it's your house and I wouldn't. But I'm wasn't sure if I believed him. I remember when he lived at his sisters in 2013, he told me they kept saying to him to grow up, and I started remembering I'd get drunken messages from him when he was living there too and then I thought , it's not going to be any different at my house is it?

So I said I am not sure about him moving in, and I said seriously if you are like this every week , I can't have you there. He said oh I only do it maybe once or twice a week, and I just shook my head and left. The discussion went on for about 30 minutes, but stupidly I shouldn't have even brought it up when he was drunk, but I did.

So I left , and left him with the impression that he couldn't move in. Then I got about a hundred text messages all night telling me to "die" , calling me a bitch, swearing at me, calling me names. Etc etc. because I have left him in the lurch with only two weeks now before he has to move out of his flat.

The abuse I got was incredible. And ironic because this is what he is obviously liek when he is drunk, and how could I live with that? How could I believe that he wouldn't be drunk every night? Even one night a week like what I saw last night, I just don't want in my house. Spitting etc.

I did the right thing didn't i? He said such horrible things

FeelingGreat

Wow Tuesday, it sounds like you've had a very lucky escape. He obviously has a charming, loveable side, but now you've seen the way he acts at home, stay miles away. The abuse is a huge worry. What would happen if you were there in person and he felt that way?

I guess this is will help you put some of his past in context.

guava

In my opinion you definitely did the right thing. Now comes the hard part - it's likely when he sobers up a little he'll be remorseful, promise it won't happen again and start to work his way back into your heart. Keep re-reading those text messages, journal what you are feeling now and make sure he gets himself together (for a nice long time) before you even entertain the idea of a relationship with him. So sorry you had to go through that. Stay strong!

Tuesday1969

thankyou so much for replying, i am so sad today

When i told him i cant live with a drunk guy who spits and pisses out windows and randomly gets drunk on a weeknight, and indicated perhaps he shouldnt move in, the abuse via text that followed just reaffirmed why his drinking is a problem.

BUT i feel so awful leaving him in the lurch, having to find somewhere else within 2 weeks, He said he would be out on the streets, really laid the guilt on. I feel like rubbish

Tuesday1969

thankyou Guava

I have had a few fights with him before, about other things, and usually what he does is hide for a few days.

But i think he is too selfish to apologise. I dont think he understands how his behaviour looks. I think that he will just look for a place to move into. He texted to me last night to f off and never speak to him again etc. Probably 200 messages all of abuse. And not even a sorry this morning. He probably sees me now as a party pooper. But i look at women i admire or think they seem to have their lives together and i know they wouldnt live with a man like this. Maybe if you are 20 years old? But not in your 40s, he seems stuck in a time warp where he is still in a band, being a rocker, living on the 'edge"

i just feel bad

huntingtontx

Hi Tuesday, I am glad you saw this before he moved in. No one needs to put up with abuse. I would count my blessings that he is not part of your life and move on. The problem of having no where to go is his, and he brought it on his self. You have done nothing to him and have no reason to feel bad.

Tuesday1969

he abused me because of the fact i told him i couldnt live with a drinker, and possibly he shouldnt move in. So i kind of "did" do something to him, i cut off his avenue to live with me. Because of the spitting and pissing and rowdyness and general drunkeness. It was his day off, but still. It just brings me down

I imagine if he got drunk like this one night and we had an argument, maybe he could have got angry and physically done something?

He told me last night when he was texting that i deserved the text abuse because i told him he couldnt move in.

marie1960

So he spits on the floor, pee's out the window, and while I only have a hunch as to what
"split win" is, calls you nasty names, and wishes you death.

C'mon this is an absolute no brainer...... Run for the the hills, or opposite direction but either way cease all contact with this fella.

A real class act he is, will certainly make a desirable partner, not , I have witnessed better manners out of barn animals, good lord.

And then you add addiction to this unacceptable standard of life, Just run, bolt, vanish, you really believe you need this nonsense in your life?

Tuesday1969

ha yeah he "spilt wine" over me.

His justification for all the abusive name and death wishes was that i said he couldnt move in because of his drinking. "how dare you you b### c%!*"

i couldnt believe what i was reading. It went on for 2 or 3 hours

i DO feel bad for leaving him in the lurch. Thats all i feel

No i dont believe in need this nonsense. Thats why even BEFORE he did any of the text abuse , it was just spitting and pissing i thought i cant deal with this.

I guess i am feeling very much in shock. Just plain shock about what followed after i left him there

marie1960

You my friend, have nothing to feel bad about, his behavior and actions are simply unacceptable.

You owe him nothing, and I can assure you if you stay involved with him, you will be on the receiving end of "nothing"

Raise the bar for yourself, you deserve so much better, and I am certain you agree?

sugarbear1

his own self and behavior left him in a lurch, not you.

maybear

You have absolutely no reason to feel bad.
Your home is your sanctuary and you treat it with respect.
You have every right to protect that.
He showed his true colours just in time and you dodged a bullet.

Tuesday1969

yeah, i have definitely raised my standards and cut men off more quickly these days when they exhibit bad behaviour.

I got a lame text from him just now saying "I'm very sorry"

yeah just that, no elaboration, Just lame, it doesnt cut it.

marie1960

sure hope you choose not to respond to him.

not sure how "sorry" can fix this one.

I have learned the hard way, when people show you who they are, believe them, saves you alot of heartache.

He obviously has zero self respect, or self control, and if he cannot respect himself, doesn't leave much hope of how he would treat you,

Tuesday1969

yeah i dont know how he could possibly make up for it. No i didnt respond. To be told to go and "die", how could i get past that?

I really think he is a dangerous drunk and he needs to quit drinking altogether. I knew he loved a drink before, but never saw this bad side. He definitely was very verbal when drunk and would always text me a lot, but he pretty much always had shown me love, i thought i was safe with him

charis78

How is he not embarassed. I don't know how he could look at you again. I be so ashamed

firebolt

Wos. You really dodged a bullet. Congratulations! Your home and life will be much more peaceful because of your decision.

Tuesday1969

i agree , but he probably thinks its just him being "rock n roll" and living on the "edge" (as he puts it)

theres nothing more unnatractive than a 44 year old acting like a dumb drunk seedy 20 year old

redatlanta

OMG you did the right thing. Not only would he do this you probably would be unable to get him to leave.

"theres nothing more unnatractive than a 44 year old acting like a dumb drunk seedy 20 year old"

I haven't heard the term "seedy" in years! Excellent summation.

Tuesday1969

haha i dont think ive had to use the term "seedy" since the 90s

When he started spitting and pissing, i said to him are you going to do that at my place , and he said NO, and i wonder should i just have accepted that? But i didnt, and i thought if he starts all that, like you say, how could i get him out of my house once it became a problem. Just too many unknowns.

what breaks my heart is how he is the nicest ever guy when he is not drinking. I just want that guy.

i am just so shocked and sad, i dont know how to get past it