TJD912

I've posted before about my situation and where it currently stands (sold home, separated, this close to divorce) My almost XAH was texting me last night telling me that I have borderline personality disorder, (this was unprovoked...he said he'd been wanting to tell me for a long time), that I caused him to relapse and have his affair (his words were that my mental health issues almost killed him...quote. He blames me for friends and family knowing about his relapse and his affair. In fact, he smelled like a liquor store, and people were talking about his affair with his co-worker before I knew for sure anything was going on.) I was so hurt and so upset that I could not focus on the grocery shopping I was doing. Because of the work and therapy I have been going through for years (and he has done none) the first thing I did was take a BPD quiz when I got home. I will own my part and say I came to the marriage with some toxic behaviors that I have been to therapy for and continue to go to keep working on myself.

Here's what happened yesterday, and maybe I am seeing my side of things very blurry (?): When we separated, we decided it would be a therapeutic separation...still married, starting over, dating each other. No dating other people. It's been stressful, we hardly see each other, and he's more allusive than ever. I do not require that he "report" to me, but when I do ask questions, which is very few and far between, he gets irritated. His cheating of course led me to not trust him, and he has done nothing to earn it back. So the separation, while it was good to end the volatility in front of the kids and for us, it made me trust him less. I found out a few weeks ago that he does not wear his wedding ring at work. So that means when he was with me, he was intentionally putting it on, then taking it off when I was not around. I felt lied to, hurt, and like he was cheating again. I refiled for divorce, and he now looks at that (and other similar situations) as proof of borderline personality. My "extreme" reactions. I am quoting a text: "If you want to change, you have to start with being completely honest with yourself and those around you about who you really are. ...just come clean about yourself. Without that, you can make some progress but never really achieve happiness."

Thoughts? I'm willing to hear them all, good or bad.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like he's gaslighting you--making you out to be "crazy" so he can cover his tracks.

Trust you gut.

Taking off his ring at work and putting it on only around you is pretty serious evidence of intent, if not action.

sugarbear1

And he got his psychiatry license from what university?

He's projecting his self on you. Don't fall for it. HE is the problem, alcohol is his solution. He needs a new solution.

hugs and love to you!

TJD912

Thank you...I never want to be right for the sake of being right, and this relationship, in all its negative, has forced me many times to reflect to be sure it's not me. But all the finger pointing at me and never at himself...it screws with the mind. I'm glad, even in all its blurriness as it was happening, that the house is sold and I filed for divorce. I will never be happy (and neither will he) in this relationship.

(I'll have to look up gas lighting...I had heard the term before but never read about it...)

FeelingGreat

So he's playing a double game, you've called him on it, and now you have BPD? You recognise it as quacking, but does he still have the power to throw mud at you and make it stick?
Maybe he is upset that you've taken the initiative from him? But really, he's going to be mean and try to hurt you for a while, and it's up to you how much you allow this to affect you. Once the need to be in contact is gone, consider going NC.

TJD912

FeelingGreat-I think that is my next step. I will have him served and that's that. We have no kids together, it was a blended family and the kids don't see each other anymore.

dandylion

TJD....this blame game is sooo typical.

I think that once you move forth and become less entangled with him, you will find that his words have far less (if any) power over you.

Just because a person says something...doesn't make it true.

dandylion

SoberLeigh

^^^^ You did not cause his drinking or alcoholism. That rests squarely on his shoulders.

dandylion

TJD....after I divorced the Narcissistic father of my children....the things h e said about me were astounding!

He even offered my voting record to others as "proof" of my poor ethical behavior.

He seemed to need to believe that I was just inferior protoplasm...because he could not have possibly been at fault in any way.

I just had to let it roll off.

dandylion

TJD912

Amazing how we innocently walk into these relationships with hope and feelings of love and walk out almost annihilated.

I've also learned that I can't stomp my feet and demand he not do and say the things he is doing and saying. I'd just be engaging...and probably start acting like the crazy person he's trying to incite me into being.

lillamy

So here's my thing: I was married to an abusive alcoholic with two different personality disorders. For 20 years. Somehow, that did not cause me to a) drink and b) cheat on him.

It infuriates me when people (addicts or not) refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. Are you perfect? Probably not. Is that an excuse for him to drink and cheat? Hell no.

It reminds me of a couple of things I've seen in the news lately, where lawyers blame something or someone else for atrocities committed by criminals.

You don't have to be perfect to have a good relationship. You just have to be two adults who take responsibility for their own behaviors. So whether or not you have toxic behaviors (as you say) or a personality disorder (as Dr. I-Read-Something-On-The-Internet says) is beside the point.

cookiesncream

I'm coming from the other side but to me the hallmark of recovery is owning your own stuff, admitting your faults, and taking responsibility. To me putting on a wedding ring in one situation and then taking it off is, as others have said, gaslighting. Nobody is an angel but in this particular situation I think you are spot on in your feelings.

TJD912

lillamy- I came from a toxic family and my almost XAH has told me I had/have their behaviors. So I went to therapy starting about 3 years ago. What it helped me realize is that while I probably did adopt those behaviors (and have worked to fix/continue to be aware of those), that an addict who tells someone else they need therapy (cough) and does nothing to fix themselves...well his problems with everyone else will never be solved. And he will certainly never get/stay sober for long.

Thomas45

What kind of work does he do? Anything physically demanding?

The reason I ask is because I did the same thing out of necessity, though I told my wife about it from the start. Working as a carpenter, I put my hands through a lot of abuse and a gold ring just doesn't hold up to the strain of the work. I tried wearing it at work at the start of the marriage, but it ended up deforming and actually breaking completely due to all the heavy things I have to carry around, which made me have to pay for an expensive repair.

So unless I wanted to keep paying money for ring repairs every few months, I found it best to just leave the ring at home until I was done work for the day.

dandylion

Thomas....in a hospital, wearing of rings is not a good idea for several reasons. So, a common way people have come to terms with this problem is to wear their ring on a chain around their neck...kind of like dog tags...lol!

(not being critical of you)...just a comment.....

dandylion

Thomas45

Necklaces are a "very bad idea"™ in construction. They get caught on things when you lean over, they dig into your skin and cause painful rashes when you're loaded up with a harness + toolbelt + carrying materials on your shoulder, and as odd as it sounds, I know of people who have actually been electrocuted quite badly due to wearing necklaces.

On top of that, at least in formwork carpentry which is my current line of work, there is concrete dust everywhere. It floats around in the air as you walk around and work, and covers all your clothes and your skin. This dust is extremely abrasive, it's essentially like wrapping your body in sandpaper. When it gets between your necklace and your skin, the slight movements of the necklace will cause a necklace-shaped cut around your neck which is extremely painful. That's why jewelry of basically any kind is not a good idea.

TJD912

Thomas45:What kind of work does he do? Anything physically demanding?


He is a school administrator. So is his affair partner. Same building...

TJD912

I didn't quote that right...too late to fix. Next time!

Hangnbyathread

One of the things I LOVE about this site is that stories are nearly carbon copys of each other, simply with different parties involved. Gives you validation that you're not crazy like they want you to believe you are. Its called alcoholism. I am grateful to know this now.

Yes it was MY fault she cheated. Never mind that she cheated on every partner she ever had.

Yes I caused her to need to drink. So modify my behavior to accommodate that hook, and guess what now there is a new thing I did to cause it.

Etc. etc etc.

Good luck with the separation. Tried that also. They don't want a FULL go each other separate ways trial separation, they want a modified. I want to do what what I want, but you can't do what you want separation.

Oh and lets keep in touch whenever they feel like they need to. Which is usually to launch something accusatory at you. TOTALLY projecting, they just don't think we will ever see that. I learned I could GUARANTEE she was seeing someone else. As the reality was, every time she would call, e-mail, text to imply I was seeing someone else, she in fact was the one doing so.

Or because I didn't keep in touch, in the manner she wanted me to, I was the reason we weren't going to ever work this out.

I wish you a better outcome.

Thomas45

Oh, well in that case there's absolutely no excuse.