Am I the Problem?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 63
He had always worn his ring.
Hangn: Yes...totally agree...I had said that in another post...I found this site a few years ago when I felt crazy and I realized that only in very rare cases that it got "better"...but it was never great or even good. I realized I was either going to live like I was living or I had to get out. The next thing I knew it was three years later and I finally decided enough was enough. I refiled for divorce, and since the house is gone and we have our own places...it's a matter of signing. The more I read the more I see no contact is really the only path to healing.
Hangn: Yes...totally agree...I had said that in another post...I found this site a few years ago when I felt crazy and I realized that only in very rare cases that it got "better"...but it was never great or even good. I realized I was either going to live like I was living or I had to get out. The next thing I knew it was three years later and I finally decided enough was enough. I refiled for divorce, and since the house is gone and we have our own places...it's a matter of signing. The more I read the more I see no contact is really the only path to healing.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Thomas....thank you for your post. I would never have realized all of those safety issues!!
LOL.....now I am more educated in this regard.
I think we can both agree....safety, first!
(back up 200feet).
dandylion
LOL.....now I am more educated in this regard.
I think we can both agree....safety, first!
(back up 200feet).
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Thomas45 
Necklaces are a "very bad idea"™ in construction. They get caught on things when you lean over, they dig into your skin and cause painful rashes when you're loaded up with a harness + toolbelt + carrying materials on your shoulder, and as odd as it sounds, I know of people who have actually been electrocuted quite badly due to wearing necklaces.
On top of that, at least in formwork carpentry which is my current line of work, there is concrete dust everywhere. It floats around in the air as you walk around and work, and covers all your clothes and your skin. This dust is extremely abrasive, it's essentially like wrapping your body in sandpaper. When it gets between your necklace and your skin, the slight movements of the necklace will cause a necklace-shaped cut around your neck which is extremely painful. That's why jewelry of basically any kind is not a good idea.
On top of that, at least in formwork carpentry which is my current line of work, there is concrete dust everywhere. It floats around in the air as you walk around and work, and covers all your clothes and your skin. This dust is extremely abrasive, it's essentially like wrapping your body in sandpaper. When it gets between your necklace and your skin, the slight movements of the necklace will cause a necklace-shaped cut around your neck which is extremely painful. That's why jewelry of basically any kind is not a good idea.
Of course, none of this should be an issue for a school administrator. I'm sorry TJD, what a load of Quacking!
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by TJD912
I realized I was either going to live like I was living or I had to get out. The next thing I knew it was three years later and I finally decided enough was enough.
STUPID ME was the one that got played like a flea market fiddle.
Even so, I knew I would NOT want to be married with this train wreck, even if she somehow seemed better. She quit drinking for 2 years. Just when you think...OK....its over, no more nightmare, the relapse takes place. To which she felt she needed to make me the target of that as well. And it was like a complete starting over of the train wreck.
Trust me, your life will be better now.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 26
If I was a liscensced therapist and I thought there might be a possibility my partner had a personality disorder, I wouldn't wait to tell him or her. I would want my partner to be as emotionally healthy as possible. And if I genuinely cared and loved my partner, I would never use my knowledge of their personality disorder as a way to blame my partner for the problems in our relationship. My ex tried to tell me that he thought I was bipolar once. Sometimes when I realize that they all have the same exact bag of tricks it makes me angry that I ever questioned myself, that he knew me better than I know myself.
Thank You for sharing your story. It reminds me that staying no contact is important for my own recovery.
Thank You for sharing your story. It reminds me that staying no contact is important for my own recovery.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
From my experience, having grown up in a dysfunctional alcoholic toxic original family, what that led me to do was to choose similar dysfunctional alcoholic toxic men for partners. It was familiar; it was what I knew.
Now, going on three years out of my marriage to an alcoholic verbally abusive rageful man, I can recognize what in me chose him and why it seemed so familiar, and I am healed so much that I will never choose someone like him again.
So, it may be that your toxic childhood led you to CHOOSE a toxic man, who, now that you are healing, needs to see YOU as damaged and borderline.
My psychiatrist once told me that dysfunctional families and their mindsets are families with rubber walls. They may toss you around and whack you on the walls, but they never want to let you go outside those dysfunctional walls; those rubber walls just keep you bouncing around within their control.
They need you to keep playing your dysfunctional part so they can blame you and deny their own dysfunction. They want you to doubt yourself and believe them so that you stay within their destructive emotional games. Their identities are formed around projecting out the bad parts of themselves onto you. They won't let you go without a fight, and gaslighting is just one technique among many.
They say there is no honor among thieves, and I think similarly that abusive people, (some alcoholics among them) will say and do whatever they think works to keep you enmeshed with them, to doubt yourself and believe them, and to dominate and control you.
You are beginning to do the most scary thing of all: to think for yourself. You are chosing emotional health, and that terrifies them because they don't want to change. If you're interested, I wrote a lot of posts about dealing with stuff like this, and you can search on my name to find them.
You are growing, you are healing, you are moving forward; more power to you!!
ShootingStar1
Now, going on three years out of my marriage to an alcoholic verbally abusive rageful man, I can recognize what in me chose him and why it seemed so familiar, and I am healed so much that I will never choose someone like him again.
So, it may be that your toxic childhood led you to CHOOSE a toxic man, who, now that you are healing, needs to see YOU as damaged and borderline.
My psychiatrist once told me that dysfunctional families and their mindsets are families with rubber walls. They may toss you around and whack you on the walls, but they never want to let you go outside those dysfunctional walls; those rubber walls just keep you bouncing around within their control.
They need you to keep playing your dysfunctional part so they can blame you and deny their own dysfunction. They want you to doubt yourself and believe them so that you stay within their destructive emotional games. Their identities are formed around projecting out the bad parts of themselves onto you. They won't let you go without a fight, and gaslighting is just one technique among many.
They say there is no honor among thieves, and I think similarly that abusive people, (some alcoholics among them) will say and do whatever they think works to keep you enmeshed with them, to doubt yourself and believe them, and to dominate and control you.
You are beginning to do the most scary thing of all: to think for yourself. You are chosing emotional health, and that terrifies them because they don't want to change. If you're interested, I wrote a lot of posts about dealing with stuff like this, and you can search on my name to find them.
You are growing, you are healing, you are moving forward; more power to you!!
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
"that I caused him to relapse and have his affair (his words were that my mental health issues almost killed him...quote. He blames me for friends and family knowing about his relapse and his affair...."
I am sorry for your situation, but this is just hilarious. And he is a school administrator to boot!!!???
If I had kids, I'd start home schooling right now.
Superimpose his craziness on a murder case:
"Your honor, my wife made me rape, pillage and kill those people. I would never have pulled the trigger if she weren't so crazy!!!"
Please keep coming back and work your program for YOU!!!
I am sorry for your situation, but this is just hilarious. And he is a school administrator to boot!!!???
If I had kids, I'd start home schooling right now.
Superimpose his craziness on a murder case:
"Your honor, my wife made me rape, pillage and kill those people. I would never have pulled the trigger if she weren't so crazy!!!"
Please keep coming back and work your program for YOU!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Hi TD
You asked if you are the problem.
I found that since my part in my relationship problems were within me, I also then had the Power to change them.
It's not about blame of others or self. It's just about finding the Truth so my life can change.
The 12 Steps and a relationship with God helped me work through all that junk...my adult child behaviors and shame and self-blame, the times I had in fact gossiped or was so fearful i was paranoid...why I chose the people i did and what my patterns were and most important - a Solution, a real Solution as to how to let God cease it (He IS the Solution - He is where the necessary Power comes from.) I keep my eyes on my own paper and do my own work.
I used a book in another fellowship (AA Big Book) and around 4 months into my writing I was so steeped in a new way of life and becoming so content that I stopped thinking about "him" and what work "he" should do. It was the work of my life and absolutely indescribable.
I stay away from labels like BPD etc. trust me, I went down that road for YEARS - the psychiatrists, meds, etc...I just got sicker.
The only thing - and I mean after I had exhausted all else - was doing the steps with a Big Book Study sponsor. By the end of my writing I was almost unrecognizable.
Best wishes
WMJ
You asked if you are the problem.
I found that since my part in my relationship problems were within me, I also then had the Power to change them.
It's not about blame of others or self. It's just about finding the Truth so my life can change.
The 12 Steps and a relationship with God helped me work through all that junk...my adult child behaviors and shame and self-blame, the times I had in fact gossiped or was so fearful i was paranoid...why I chose the people i did and what my patterns were and most important - a Solution, a real Solution as to how to let God cease it (He IS the Solution - He is where the necessary Power comes from.) I keep my eyes on my own paper and do my own work.
I used a book in another fellowship (AA Big Book) and around 4 months into my writing I was so steeped in a new way of life and becoming so content that I stopped thinking about "him" and what work "he" should do. It was the work of my life and absolutely indescribable.
I stay away from labels like BPD etc. trust me, I went down that road for YEARS - the psychiatrists, meds, etc...I just got sicker.
The only thing - and I mean after I had exhausted all else - was doing the steps with a Big Book Study sponsor. By the end of my writing I was almost unrecognizable.
Best wishes
WMJ
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 63
ShootingStar- You hit it on the head. My family...mother especially...was and is so emotionally abusive that I think I entered this marriage looking for acceptance and love, and all he did was empower his addiction by using it against me. I don't think people like him do it intentionally...I think it comes from the absolute need to be able to do what they want and not take responsibility. Over the last decade, i have detached from my family...and what you said happened. They try to suck you back in (just like the almost ex) and make you feel that you are the problem. We all have problems, but when you start blaming others for them...that's when it's dangerous. I have all but cut off my unhealthy family members. They tried so hard to "make" me "go back to what I was" ...and that's a quote. I guess what i was, was a punching bag of sorts. That always seemed to be my role.
Funny...I'm super independent, yet I look for acceptance and love. I'll have to figure that one out. I don't think I'll ever have a healthy relationship if I don't.
BullFrog--I did some research on gas lighting. Yep. It described many of my marital situations to a tee. Don't know how the heck I ended up in this position. But...I'm out and on the way to healing.
Funny...I'm super independent, yet I look for acceptance and love. I'll have to figure that one out. I don't think I'll ever have a healthy relationship if I don't.
BullFrog--I did some research on gas lighting. Yep. It described many of my marital situations to a tee. Don't know how the heck I ended up in this position. But...I'm out and on the way to healing.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Meh I'd go forward with the divorce. Honestly I think trying to separate and "Date" is an exercise in futility. Separate and figure out if you want to get back together a better idea.
Sounds to me like getting back together is a bad idea. That he is not wearing his ring when away from you serious RED FLAG. Reminds me of the times back in the day single and having drinks, meeting a guy and watching him try and remove the wedding band unnoticed LOL LOL LOL.
Anyway, appears that he is having a double life. Away from you single (no ring) with you married (wearing ring).
No thanks. This isn't about something your have done, its about someone who has a set of rules for them and a different set of rules for you.
Sounds to me like getting back together is a bad idea. That he is not wearing his ring when away from you serious RED FLAG. Reminds me of the times back in the day single and having drinks, meeting a guy and watching him try and remove the wedding band unnoticed LOL LOL LOL.
Anyway, appears that he is having a double life. Away from you single (no ring) with you married (wearing ring).
No thanks. This isn't about something your have done, its about someone who has a set of rules for them and a different set of rules for you.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 63
RedAtlanta- That is my full intention. The ring, his total lack of effort in this separation (the point was to try to "start over"), and the double life, the lies, the sneakiness.
And yes...two different sets of rules. I feel like a throwaway wife, that I served one purpose (the punching bag/taker of responsibility) and it really hurts, but the thought of even attempting to go back to a "real" married life...makes me queasy. It simply can never happen. Too much damage done. And I'd just be setting myself up for more. Just being in my own place with my kids...life's been good. Emotionally...I've got work to do to get back to balance. Day to day...I can breathe. Things are already better without him.
And yes...two different sets of rules. I feel like a throwaway wife, that I served one purpose (the punching bag/taker of responsibility) and it really hurts, but the thought of even attempting to go back to a "real" married life...makes me queasy. It simply can never happen. Too much damage done. And I'd just be setting myself up for more. Just being in my own place with my kids...life's been good. Emotionally...I've got work to do to get back to balance. Day to day...I can breathe. Things are already better without him.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Ok, so show of hands: Who here is perfect?
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Huh. Looks like the perfect people all took the day off from SR.
Perfect doesn't exist. We all have faults and we are all susceptible to the charm and lies of the alcoholic. We all play a role, but we also have the choice to stop playing and start getting healthy. That's about the time that the A's start turning up the heat to make us feel like we're crazy - because they're losing grip and desperately need to get it back. Walking away is probably your best option right now.
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Huh. Looks like the perfect people all took the day off from SR.
Perfect doesn't exist. We all have faults and we are all susceptible to the charm and lies of the alcoholic. We all play a role, but we also have the choice to stop playing and start getting healthy. That's about the time that the A's start turning up the heat to make us feel like we're crazy - because they're losing grip and desperately need to get it back. Walking away is probably your best option right now.
Loving a more peaceful life
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: England
Posts: 80
What a coincidence! I was also told I had a personality disorder. He never would explain why he thought I had one.
Strangely, after several years of marriage, this only came up when I started to stand up for myself to him and his equally toxic mother.
I just happen to work in the personality disorder field too. I wonder where he got his inspiration from
Strangely, after several years of marriage, this only came up when I started to stand up for myself to him and his equally toxic mother.
I just happen to work in the personality disorder field too. I wonder where he got his inspiration from
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 63
Oh my gosh...it's just always the same story. I read another post yesterday where the woman said her (X?) AH told her she was lucky he even stayed, and that no other man would have put up with her. My jaw dropped. Word for word, that is what my almost XAH has said over and over and over and over....
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