Yogagurl

I have been off the forum for some time now - have been in transition after transition. I had to relocate, take a restraining order out on the XAH, and have had all sorts of surprises come along in between. I'm gradually getting back to "normal" and was wondering how others felt about getting back to normal after having been in an abusive and co-dependent relationship. I have residual social anxiety because I had isolated myself for so long from anyone but my XAH. I find myself being asked questions that I don't know how to answer because I was never asked before or because I was lost in another identity for so long. It's almost like what is normal doesn't seem comfortable - game night with a group of friends is alien to me - I was always keeping tabs with my XAH on Friday nights, just waiting for disappointment.

When I was growing up, I can remember always feeling like I didn't quite fit in with everyone else and it's kind of how I feel right now at this point in my life. Maybe I chose to escape in the life of another person because I wasn't comfortable in my own? Well, in any case, I feel that getting back to normal is going to take some getting used to - you know, the little things, like dinner with friends and basic socialization.

I welcome some thoughts or reflections on how you all went about reconnecting with yourself when you left your addict.

incitingsilence

I am still with my husband, but there is a definite new normal here for me. I cringed when I read the Friday night check up. I remember pay day and how Friday’s would always be anxiety ridden. And yet just the thought of him provoked anxiety back then. I remember how I isolated I could be, not so much avoiding others but I was most certainly stuck in my own head and didn’t talk about anything. One thing that was good was that everyone knew, no secrets here in terms of him. With me I just don’t speak much...

Normal, what is normal? I use to ask that, but then in terms of living in chaos. My new normal is peaceful and light …

I know I have changed, I feel it. And it had not one damn thing to do with him! I am more me I think that I ever was, no more masks or tip toeing on eggshells with anyone. I am much more comfortable in my own skin. I no longer feel like I need to be busy, busy, always doing something … I can relax and I am very content to be alone and do nothing. My head isn’t in a thousand different directions. I am less intensive, less serious, less antsy, less worried …. For me it didn’t take practice, it took work. There is a balance well except for my long standing addiction to chocolate chip cookies which I ain’t giving up! I can see the change in everything around me. I am not neglecting the things I like and my whole circle of people changed. My closest of friends are still here, and there are new ones which is very nice … family I have moved away from lovingly as have I from some of those I credit for helping me the most. I just can’t do sickness anymore. I have no tolerance for chaos, and actually have some fear associated with the fact that I could thrive in it and excel

I made a comment years ago in another medium, “imagine catching yourself being happy”. OMG how sick, to actually stop and think wow I am happy. It’s all very strange now looking back. I just don’t ever want to go there again.

You’ll find your way … Enjoy being, enjoy the moments as they come. Don’t over think, don’t allow him to negatively influence you, just be, breathe and take it all in.

KariSue

Have you read Ann's post called 'In between'. That might help.

I have a son with addiction problems not a spouse but I'd just say 'One step at a time' and don't try to be perfect. It doesn't matter how long it takes just concentrate on doing it little by little. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend who had been in a traumatic situation cause you have been.

Kari

Ann

Here's the thread, Yogagurl, I hope it brings you some clarity.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-between.html

Although my addicted loved one was my son, I too lost myself in his addiction and had work to do to find my balance again. Early in recovery "normal" life was very foreign to me. I had become somewhat of a recluse, isolating in the safety of my home. I worked but when the work day was done I couldn't wait to get home and hide. Meetings helped me more than anything but I saw that as "meetings" (a safe place) and not really socializing outside my comfort zone.

I made myself go for walks and talk to my neighbours. I made myself go to shops and talk to people there. Eventually I accepted invitations to visit my friends or I invited them to visit me. it was all baby steps for me but I made myself keep taking them until I was comfortable in my new skin.

It takes time but eventually we find a new comfort zone that is safe and yet healthy where we choose activities that appeal to use and learn to turn down activities that make us squirm. For me, company parties or anything involving a bar made me squirm. Hiking, hobby photography, art studies and bird watching (alone or with a group) were my new comfort zones and still are today. I may appear odd or like a nerd but the joy of recovery is that it made me like the "stranger called me" and walk proudly as the person I really am.

waitingforhope

I didn't realize until my AH was gone, how much anxiety it created in me waiting in anticipation for what would happen when he would come home. When I recognized that, I realized I had a new freedom. I didn't need to be anxious about him coming home anymore! I can do stuff to make me happy now? And I didn't have to consult him? I could live by logically and well thought out decisions? No more collateral damage to clean up? You have freedom now to rebuild yourself however you want and be who you want to. Changing what I say to myself has been critical to changing my thoughts and actions...... Thank God for new opportunities and new beginnings!

Yogagurl

Dear family,

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and advice. I am looking forward to the day that the anxiety dissipates completely, assuming that will happen, and being able to let myself be myself. What a journey it has been - what a learning experience. I'm just stuck with the residual energy of psychological and physical abuse, as well as neglecting my own needs for so long. You want so badly to cut off ties and to be this new, shiny person immediately but it takes work and it takes time. God bless.

hopeful4

YG....while you may not see it all the time, you are recovering! I am so proud of you. You have made huge, and scary strides. You have shown that you can protect yourself and come out on the other side. You have shown that while things can be scary, they can be done, and you survive.

I cannot tell you how impressed I am in your recovery! You have changed so much, and it's a good change. You are well on your way to that bright, shining new beginning!

XXX

irisgardens

Actually experiencing a lot of what you describe...but less than in September when I came here and was a basket case...and less than 10-20 years ago when had entered into recovery for my first and second daughers (serial) for their addictions that started as early teens and continued into their 20's...so like what the above have said...my latest situation has been 7 years of really hard stuff...and it is still hard...but I am no longer enabling or allowing myself to be controlled and bullied as much.