To those dealing with Abuse
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To those dealing with Abuse
In my many google searches to help me understand what I am going through right now, I found an amazing blog. This blog could have been written by me.
I know not all of us are dealing with issues of abuse, but if you are, it is worth checking out. This was a favorite post of
mine: Long-Term Abusive Relationship Feelings and Behaviors (pt 2) | Verbal Abuse in Relationships - HealthyPlace
I know not all of us are dealing with issues of abuse, but if you are, it is worth checking out. This was a favorite post of
mine: Long-Term Abusive Relationship Feelings and Behaviors (pt 2) | Verbal Abuse in Relationships - HealthyPlace
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Thank you so very very much for this link. I just read it and it fits me to a T. My situation was a little different though coping mechanisms for the abused totally fit me. I was the alcoholic-just celebrated a year sober the other day (yeah me). I didn't become an alcoholic overnight. It wasn't until my mid 40's when a series of crisis after being married for many years shifted the dynamics in my marriage. My DH who now identifies as a "codie" shifted into the mode of an emotional abuser though it happened so slowly and some of the more blatant examples he never did. However the sense of powerlessness, never being able to please, and basically becoming a victim came to exemplify me. I make no excuses for my own bad behavior, for it was bad indeed. I will say however in taking an honest look of "thinking through the drink" many many times and getting honest about what was triggering me codie behavior which on many levels turned emotionally abusive were 98% percent of my drinking reasons. I gave up the fight and just drank everytime another episode occurred rather than fighting back. That landed me nowhere better but rehab after four years of addiction. This past year has been a real eye opener as hubbie and I have both worked our own recovery programs. He identifies emotionally very much with addicts and I relate very much to the friends and family side. Abuse and excuses are something I faced many times. Its only been at a year into recovery that I am seeing the bigger picture. To be sure nobody forced me to drink a bottle of cheap wine every night. In its own very sick way though it was a coping mechansim for abuse. In the past month I have finally realized this. My path forward in sobriety is to find a therapist that can help ME cope with the codie behaviors and quite frankly DEFEND myself against them. Hubbie is admitting his part in all of this but honestly I think its going to take some time for him to change some ingrained patterns. Your entry strikes so many chords with me on so many levels I have bookmarked it. Thank you.
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Congratulations on one year, CnC! That's no small feat!
Thanks for posting the blog, thousandwords. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for five years, and left the day it turned physical. But damned if I didn't go into one emotionally abusive relationship after another after that.
Thanks for posting the blog, thousandwords. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for five years, and left the day it turned physical. But damned if I didn't go into one emotionally abusive relationship after another after that.
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C&C told me about this thread and her self-identification, and proposed I read those posts as well. I quickly self-identified as the abuser. But I never had the "plan" of the abuser that the blog talks about. I did that stuff because I was trying to gratify my perceived needs, but out of emotional immaturity. In effect I was acting as a one-trick pony, I was making myself crazier while I pressured and harrassed her. Since nothing worked I just kept turning up the intensity because that was the only response I knew. My tool is manipulation; politeness, distance, self-pity, anger, passive-aggression, etc to get what I want, often employed unconsciously. When the bottom came I was triumphant in my self-righteousness- finally she couldn't deflect the argument any longer- I could unilaterally demand changes yet I felt completely trapped. I was convinced I was correct in my own judgements- the chaos was due to her- if she'd only. etc.. all the usual stuff. It took a couple months of alanon work to start realizing what I had been doing and I've been continuing to learn more since. Early on my sponsor proposed that when we finally set our problems down we see our own claw marks all over them, I think thats more true for me now that it was back when he said it, the 4th step work keeps revealing more and more.
I swear I get something similar to alcoholic cravings where I get preoccupied over C&C. Thats what motivated a lot of my abuse back then. Early in recovery it was more or less continuous- so C&C was working her rehab- all her emotions raw all kinds of stuff boiling up and I was trapped by my own mind with the committee and the lurid arguments, indulging in anger & frustration whenever I felt thwarted in some way and unable to get out of the habit and the conflicts kept getting worse.
Things have improved in my head since- the cravings are less frequent now, I started getting the message after 6mos or so and started the program work. Nowadays when the ego arises I'm better able to perceive it, though still a tricky proposition to let it go sometimes. Getting in better tune with the 3rd step prayers and meditations seem to help, staying really close to my program and out of judgement of any kind does too.
Frankly these days I am taking more of an AA stance towards my recovery- I'm keeping the program work in alanon but am on a reading course thru the AA literature and go to an AA mtg once a week. My sponsor was not surprised or concerned with my addict identification.. just keep on the program and take it easy was his response.
Clearly C&C is on my amends list, I've made the 1st apologies and am doing the living amends as I'm able but the formal step has to happen in due course. Anything along those lines right now would be incomplete and imprecise given what I keep learning about what I've done & why.
I swear I get something similar to alcoholic cravings where I get preoccupied over C&C. Thats what motivated a lot of my abuse back then. Early in recovery it was more or less continuous- so C&C was working her rehab- all her emotions raw all kinds of stuff boiling up and I was trapped by my own mind with the committee and the lurid arguments, indulging in anger & frustration whenever I felt thwarted in some way and unable to get out of the habit and the conflicts kept getting worse.
Things have improved in my head since- the cravings are less frequent now, I started getting the message after 6mos or so and started the program work. Nowadays when the ego arises I'm better able to perceive it, though still a tricky proposition to let it go sometimes. Getting in better tune with the 3rd step prayers and meditations seem to help, staying really close to my program and out of judgement of any kind does too.
Frankly these days I am taking more of an AA stance towards my recovery- I'm keeping the program work in alanon but am on a reading course thru the AA literature and go to an AA mtg once a week. My sponsor was not surprised or concerned with my addict identification.. just keep on the program and take it easy was his response.
Clearly C&C is on my amends list, I've made the 1st apologies and am doing the living amends as I'm able but the formal step has to happen in due course. Anything along those lines right now would be incomplete and imprecise given what I keep learning about what I've done & why.
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Not to minimize anyone's suffering--at all--but to me, there is a difference (and it doesn't always mean a darned thing to the person on the receiving end--who experiences the same hurt) between "abuse" that is part of an abuser's fundamental makeup--someone who will be abusive under any circumstances, to any intimate partner--and the "abuse" that happens as a result of the selfishness and cluelessness that accompanies alcoholism. The latter often does go away as a result of sobriety and especially working a good program of recovery. The former often actually gets worse when the alcoholic abuser gets sober--they simply become more COMPETENT abusers.
As I said, if you are the one being abused, your own emotional and physical safety come first, regardless of which kind of abuser you're dealing with. But I think it's helpful to know which kind you are dealing with, as you try to decide how to respond to protect yourself. Leaving and "no contact" might be the answer if the abuse (which usually isn't physical, but more likely to be emotional or verbal) stems from the alcoholism. If you are dealing with the OTHER kind of abuser--the one whose abuse is not the result of alcoholic thinking/behavior--leaving or getting a protective order must be approached cautiously and with professional guidance and safety planning, because leaving or ignoring the abuser may put you in a very dangerous situation unless you have properly prepared.
Just a reminder (call it a PSA).
A call to the DV hotline or to your local shelter, to speak with an advocate, can be very helpful.
As I said, if you are the one being abused, your own emotional and physical safety come first, regardless of which kind of abuser you're dealing with. But I think it's helpful to know which kind you are dealing with, as you try to decide how to respond to protect yourself. Leaving and "no contact" might be the answer if the abuse (which usually isn't physical, but more likely to be emotional or verbal) stems from the alcoholism. If you are dealing with the OTHER kind of abuser--the one whose abuse is not the result of alcoholic thinking/behavior--leaving or getting a protective order must be approached cautiously and with professional guidance and safety planning, because leaving or ignoring the abuser may put you in a very dangerous situation unless you have properly prepared.
Just a reminder (call it a PSA).
A call to the DV hotline or to your local shelter, to speak with an advocate, can be very helpful.
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Lexie- VERY good point.
I happen to be married to someone with abusive tendencies prior to alcohol problems. Alcohol was certainly a catalyst in our situation, but since he had gone "sober" (not really but has cut back) it has reminded me that we had issues early in our relationship. For some reason, over time or because things escalated slowly I forgot to recognize that alcohol was just an accessory.
My husband is an ACOA, with a distant, emotionally and verbally abusive father. And is only continuing this cycle.
I can't fix him, or make him see the light or the error of his ways...it's up to me to protect our children.
I happen to be married to someone with abusive tendencies prior to alcohol problems. Alcohol was certainly a catalyst in our situation, but since he had gone "sober" (not really but has cut back) it has reminded me that we had issues early in our relationship. For some reason, over time or because things escalated slowly I forgot to recognize that alcohol was just an accessory.
My husband is an ACOA, with a distant, emotionally and verbally abusive father. And is only continuing this cycle.
I can't fix him, or make him see the light or the error of his ways...it's up to me to protect our children.
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And to add:
(This is such complicated stuff)
Its a very vicious cycle in my situation,
Unresolved anger/emotional issues the lead to abuse and control
Along with:
Self medicating with alcohol and un prescribed anti depressants to deal with formerly mentioned issues. Which makes him either: detached from reality and unreliable and/or abuse and confrontational. Mixed with underlying self centered core beliefs that put his needs and interests before any others.
Oy. Why do I question my plans to leave? Lol
(This is such complicated stuff)
Its a very vicious cycle in my situation,
Unresolved anger/emotional issues the lead to abuse and control
Along with:
Self medicating with alcohol and un prescribed anti depressants to deal with formerly mentioned issues. Which makes him either: detached from reality and unreliable and/or abuse and confrontational. Mixed with underlying self centered core beliefs that put his needs and interests before any others.
Oy. Why do I question my plans to leave? Lol
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Most of what I've read on abuse (and I've read quite a lot, because I deal with it professionally every day) suggests that most abusers--the ones who are like that all the time, to one degree or another--behave the way they do not because they are angry or unable to control their anger, but because it gets them what they want. They BENEFIT from being the way they are. You can see this when you watch how abusers tend to behave when the police respond. The same guy who was raging and "out of control" during the attack miraculously becomes calm and reasonable once the police are on the scene. They are able to "explain" how the victim started it, that SHE (and it's usually a she) was the one out of control.
Meantime, of course, the outraged victim is angry, hurt, and may appear "hysterical," which bolsters the abuser's story. Unless, of course, the police are onto how this works--which is one of the things we train on.
Likewise, the abuser usually targets ONLY the intimate partner (though children and friends/family of the victim may come in for their share of threats/violence--especially if they interfere or try to provide support).
I can't recommend highly enough Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." One of his points is that abusers aren't abusive because they are angry; they are angry because they are abusive (and the victim isn't dancing to his tune). Very, very enlightening reading for lay readers.
Meantime, of course, the outraged victim is angry, hurt, and may appear "hysterical," which bolsters the abuser's story. Unless, of course, the police are onto how this works--which is one of the things we train on.
Likewise, the abuser usually targets ONLY the intimate partner (though children and friends/family of the victim may come in for their share of threats/violence--especially if they interfere or try to provide support).
I can't recommend highly enough Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." One of his points is that abusers aren't abusive because they are angry; they are angry because they are abusive (and the victim isn't dancing to his tune). Very, very enlightening reading for lay readers.
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Thats a precise description of my behavior LC... anger was a tool. I didn't choose to be go there (in the sense of it being a considered act) but emotionally there was little distance in my head between calm and angry, less still if there was stress, so generally there would be a snap from calm to anger. Not proposing that I am a victim in the situation at all yet in a way I was an unwilling participant too, the snap just came upon me.. the anger wasn't pleasant on the inside- the self-righteousness felt good until the guilt would come worming in later on. Yet there was little motivation for me to change my behavior while C&C would cave to make peace since I'd get something like what I wanted, almost in the sense of it being pavlovian. It was certainly degenerative though.. bigger temper snapping more easily etc.. and it was coloring other relationships too.
But C&C was my only target no doubt about that, and if the cops had shown up during my largest performances I have little doubt that I would have acted as you outline- and if it had been in one of the episodes where C&C was under the influence I would have pointed at Exhibit A.
Its a nasty business. I note my coping mechanisms and emotional motivations seem derived in part from my parent's examples. From the stories I've heard they had far worse examples in their families of origin. This stuff seems to me very much part of the sins of the fathers, if you will. I am so grateful things never got physical though they got plenty verbal and emotional.
But C&C was my only target no doubt about that, and if the cops had shown up during my largest performances I have little doubt that I would have acted as you outline- and if it had been in one of the episodes where C&C was under the influence I would have pointed at Exhibit A.
Its a nasty business. I note my coping mechanisms and emotional motivations seem derived in part from my parent's examples. From the stories I've heard they had far worse examples in their families of origin. This stuff seems to me very much part of the sins of the fathers, if you will. I am so grateful things never got physical though they got plenty verbal and emotional.
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schnappi, I suggest you enroll in a GOOD batterers' intervention program (that's what they call it, regardless of whether you used physical violence). The best programs can be very helpful to those abusers who are highly motivated to change (for those who aren't, it's sort of like court-ordered AA--somewhat informative but not likely to result in lasting change). It can give you insight into how the victim feels, what benefits you get out of it, how to increase your level of respect for your partner's autonomy.
Think about it--the family courts usually have a list of programs considered to be the best.
Think about it--the family courts usually have a list of programs considered to be the best.
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I am dealing with this situation right now with my AH. I question what part of his abuse is just truly him being abusive or a result of the alcohol. I also go back and forth from being happy (on our good days) and then being upset/emotionally spent and not knowing what to do. Tonight he told me that he knows he is "too much to take" and "not right". But he won't do anything about it. He started drinking today this afternoon...then hounded me for over a hour of how I need to tell him every 2 hours how much I love him or how much I am good with our relationship. I now have a really bad headache. He actually left to go over to his brother's house so I can have some peace for a little bit...I have actually looked at two apartments last weekend...still planning my plan B, but I know I have to plan it just right. I can't just tell him, "look, I am not happy and I think we shouldn't be together" I don't know how he would take it. I can honestly say I am now afraid of him when he drinks and what type of mood "I put him in" or how I react to him. (his words not mine). I am so tired of walking on egg shells around him...I didn't say I love you enough, I didn't smile enough...I didn't answer his question the way he wanted to hear it...and so on and so on...just exhausted.
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Why not call the DV hotline or your local shelter and talk to an advocate? They can provide you with some terrific guidance and help you to plan a safe exit, if that's what you decide to do.
Nobody will MAKE you do anything you aren't ready to do, but it's good to have options and a safety plan in place. You said he's pinned you to the ground before. You need a plan.
Nobody will MAKE you do anything you aren't ready to do, but it's good to have options and a safety plan in place. You said he's pinned you to the ground before. You need a plan.
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I called the hotline on Friday...the lady was helpful...listened...made me feel I wasn't crazy and it wasn't my fault. He pinned me down again on the bed for over a hour Thursday night. (our kids were not home, with other parents). I will call them again tomorrow when I go get groceries...good idea. I can't lead on that I am thinking of leaving...I am still so sad about all of this. We had a great day with the kids...bike ride...but then he lectured me for over a hour about how I don't show him I love him enough. I can't say anything while he does this...I just to nod, listen during these episodes. I know you can't "reason" with an alcoholic when they have been drinking...
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That's really scary stuff, Sad. I'm glad you're getting some guidance. You are being very smart to use caution and keep your plans to yourself for now.
Make sure you let the advocate know EVERYTHING you are concerned about. Does he have any guns in the house?
Make sure you let the advocate know EVERYTHING you are concerned about. Does he have any guns in the house?
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How did the subject of the gun come up, if I may ask? That you've never seen it but he's told you he has one (with no ammo). In what context did he tell you about that?
If you apply for a protective order, be sure to inform them that there is a gun in the house.
If you apply for a protective order, be sure to inform them that there is a gun in the house.
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Spalding,
You haven't described any of your own behaviors I would remotely classify as abusive. Your mom treats you abusively, but that may be because she is protecting her addiction. I don't know how she acted when you were growing up. If she was always this controlling and hurtful to you, then she might be an abuser.
Hugs, I think you're only thinking this way because of the accusations she throws at you.
You haven't described any of your own behaviors I would remotely classify as abusive. Your mom treats you abusively, but that may be because she is protecting her addiction. I don't know how she acted when you were growing up. If she was always this controlling and hurtful to you, then she might be an abuser.
Hugs, I think you're only thinking this way because of the accusations she throws at you.
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Thousand,
Reading this page of the blog (as well as several other pages on that site), I was reminded of the"dance" that played out in my marriage. I always felt like I was at a disadvantage, as I was minimized and told how EVERYTHING that I did was wrong. But yet, I ignored the obvious and never thought about the damage that could be occurring. It wasn't until I watched my XAH verbally attack our DD, that I fully opened my eyes. I just hope that I did not do too little, too late; that she can see from my example that we do not have to tolerate abuse under any circumstances.
Reading this page of the blog (as well as several other pages on that site), I was reminded of the"dance" that played out in my marriage. I always felt like I was at a disadvantage, as I was minimized and told how EVERYTHING that I did was wrong. But yet, I ignored the obvious and never thought about the damage that could be occurring. It wasn't until I watched my XAH verbally attack our DD, that I fully opened my eyes. I just hope that I did not do too little, too late; that she can see from my example that we do not have to tolerate abuse under any circumstances.
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