I don't know what to do with my father...

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Old 02-09-2015, 06:46 AM
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I don't know what to do with my father...

Hello everyone,

This is my first visit and post on this forum. I am glad I have found this website because I'm a little lost in the next steps...maybe I am putting too much weight on my shoulders...

Let me start by telling you all my story, and well, my father's story, the person dealing with alcohol abuse. He is now 63 years old. It is going to be a long post, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest. I will try to do a short version at the end. Also, English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry for the mistakes...

My father always struggled with self-esteem because when he was younger, my grand-father was very demanding in regards to his boys excelling at sports. His two other brothers were better and fitter than him, and he felt like his father never really appreciated him because he was chubbier and didn't excel as much in sporting competitions, especially in canoeing. So, my father was "forced" to spend his summer holidays at the cottage by the lake and practice canoeing even if he didn't like it at all.

Then he met my mother, who, is always someone who had to do what her mother told her, putting her on diets when she was young and telling her she was fat and that she needed to lose weight even though she was just a little chubbier. My mother always is an anxious person as her father, and she always seemed to need the approval of her parents, especially her mother when it was time to take big decisions in their life. So, she studied law because her parents thought it was the best thing for her even though she wasn’t really suited for that (now she works as a lawyer technician instead of being a laywer).

So when my mother and my father met, I guess they liked each other, but with the age they had, they decided it might be a good option to get married and start a family even thought it wasn’t super love. My mother started to take the decisions in the house and to tell my father who she liked things and stuff, and of course my father, who was used to this, followed with her demands. Let’s say that my mother’s parents have a lot of money and my mother didn’t want to lose that kind of lifestyle, but at the same time, her job wouldn’t permit her to go on, so my father, who had better salary, paid the difference in terms of furniture, trips, cars etc. He always said “yes” and had problems affirming his position because he was maybe afraid to lose her or that she would leave.

Then, when I was about 4-5ish, my mother was almost finishing law school and she met this guy at her class and invited him for dinner and then my father caught them in the kitchen having kisses. So, they separated but didn’t do the divorce procedure. My mom had a relation with this man for about a year and then my mother’s mom told her that she had to go back to my father, it wasn’t well seen to be a single mother…so, my parents got back together. My father still loved my mom and was happy because she did give a meaning to his life by giving him a drive on things to do: the couple’s friends were my mom’s etc.

As the years passed, problems happened more frequently and then my father started drinking when he lost his job during the recession in the early 90. He stayed at home for about 3 years and my mom always bitched him about how bad of a father he was, he was just a lazy potato couch etc. My father’s father gave him one of his 3 cottage house when he died, so my father had to sell his to get money to provide for the family.

The harder things got between my mother and my father, the more he drank…and eventually my mother left. I remember my father always being the last one to leave the house when you had to go out for dinner somewhere, he would say he needed to go to the bathroom and then I’m sure he drank a couple shots there. I also remember one time that he was pissed drunk sleeping in his chair and I poured over a half bottle of gin and he didn’t react. The time I had surgery for Meniere’s disease and he put the tv volume is loud and he didn’t want to turn it off when I just came back from the hospital. That so many time he was picking me up after work/school and he was drunk. Anyways, my mom tried to bring him to counselling and he always said he didn’t have a problem etc.

Parenthesis: I think I dislike my mom in a way because she let him drive me around and stuff when she wasn’t sure he was sober because I know she didn’t want to get out of the house in the cold to pick me up. I think she is a selfish person who tries to make me believe she does she much for me but for the things that really count, she is just there for herself. When she left, she took an apartment where I had no place to stay and she left me with my father because she said I wasn’t respectful to her, but thinking about it today, it’s because I lost respect for her because of this resentment I am feeling. She said I was old enough and I could have left my myself too. I was 23 when she left.

Anyways, soon after my mom left, she got in touch with the same man my father caught her kissing with and they started dating and eventually my mom had to tell me this. I was shocked because I couldn’t believe she would choose this guy. I mean, he’s a nice guy but let’s say he is too from a rich family but he works as a waiter because even though he has 3 masters degrees, he thinks and feels he deserves everything in life because of the social status of his parents. My mother thinks the same thing so I guess that’s why they fit together. Anyways, my mother asked me to not say anything to my dad because she wasn’t able to assumer her choice. So, I lied to my dad at multiple times and he still thought he had a chance to win her back….until one day he called her at her home and the other guy answered. It was the shock. He started to think all those years meant nothing, she wasn’t there for him, but just for me as her mom told her to do, that she abused his love and was just a blind ******* who didn’t stand up. Well, thinking about it, he was. Both of them shouldn’t have gotten back together, but they are both anxious people with low self esteem, so they did what others told them.

He started into this bigger depression, calling her in the middle of the night telling her she was a **** and stuff and drank and drank….he never got back on his feet. He kept the house and everything looks the same as when my mother did when she left. He didn’t change anything. He just thinks everything is a big mountain and life is not worth it.

So, in the last year, he did 1 delirium tremens, started the nose bleed for no reason, had lots of skin problems, gout etc. Until November 2014, where he was admitted to the hospital, because he had middle cirrhosis and Alcoholic hepatitis. His skin was yellow and his eyes too. The doctors told him next time he goes in, he doesn’t get out and to stop drinking completely.

At first, the social worker didn’t feel he was motivated to go to rehab but then I told him that if he didn’t change, my relation with him would be over because I tried to help him since my mother divorced him and nothing changed, everything is worse. He stopped going to work in July 2014 and stuff. He is lying to me all the time. He made me believe he was working until October. I’m tired to be there for someone who isn’t there for me and is only selfish about his only love: GIN!

Anyways he went there and things started to improve, he could have a conversation without searching his words etc. He got back home on Friday, February 6th. I told him I would come visit him on Sunday so we can look for a new computer for him. He said it was ok and he would wait for me. Then, yesterday I went there and he almost fell when opening the door and he had put on a shirt that was dirty as hell and his eyes seemed yellower than on Friday. So, I left immediately. Then my cousin called me and he told me that he talked to my father earlier and said he was lost and then he thought it was his brother who went to see him and left, and that he was pissed because I didn’t go on Saturday. He always said he was going to law is mown when it’s February and there is 5 feet of snow.

As he gave me a proxy to pay his bills when he was in rehab, I checked and see he got $40 out on saturday night. Of course he won’t use his card because I will see right there that he went to the liquor store. So I guess, he got $40 and paid cash there…but then again, he has meds for depression/anxiety…could it be he took 2 doses of those? Maybe I’m just convincing myself of something that doesn’t seem to be plausible because I feel broken if he started drinking like the second day he got out…what an hyprocrite..

I am lost and I don’t know what to do. In a way, I think it’s my father who needs help, but on the other hand, I just lost my job in december too and I need to focus on getting back on my feet too. He has no friends, people at his work dont want to talk to him (only by email) and all he does is watch tv at night and drink. I told him to start doing little things….it’s like if he can’t give himself a kick in the butt and start doing stuff. His coach at the rehab center even told him : you have all the tools now to know what you do, just do it. I even gave me a love letter on friday telling him I was proud of him and that he could call me whenever he felt like it was hard…that drinking wasn’t a solution……now I lost his trust again even though I can’t be 100% he drank…

Don’t hesitate to ask more questions if things aren’t clear and thank you very much for your lecture and for your input.

Pilot

Short version:

Dad is a huge drinking for years. He is always in depression with a big social anxiety
He did delirium tremens and in november did alcoholic hepatitis
Went to rehab, got back on friday 6th, drunk on saturday 7th.
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Old 02-09-2015, 09:15 AM
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Hi Pilot, and welcome.
I'm glad you found us, but I'm sorry you have a reason to be here. Whether the alcoholic in your life is a parent, a child, or a spouse, it hurts like hell, it's exhausting to deal with, and it does tend to take over your own life if you're not careful.

So -- one thing we quote a lot around here is "The Three Cs": You didn't CAUSE his drinking, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it.

It sounds like you have taken on a lot of responsibility for your father. It sounds like his drinking really has affected his brain functions. It also sounds like you've tried to set boundaries with him, like when you told him you wouldn't have a relationship with him if he continued to drink.

For me, it was when the alcoholic in my life took up more space in my head than my OWN life that I started feeling like "this isn't working anymore." I was married to the alcoholic in my life, and I think at least for me, that's a relationship that's comparatively "easier" to walk away from than a relationship with a parent.

I hope other people with similar experiences will come around with some good thoughts for you. In the meantime, please read as much as you want and can about alcoholism -- I found that I had a lot of misconceptions about it, and that didn't help me.
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Old 02-09-2015, 10:00 AM
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Hello and welcome!

You have found a good place for support. Do you have a therapist to see as well? This life with your folks you share is nightmarish! But you must not worry about your father, he must want to do this on his own. You will not be able to convince him, he has to take the steps.

And the drinking the day out of rehab - you are lucky he waited for an entire day - my AH came out of rehab and was drinking that same night!

Yeah, we all have been there and have long roads ahead of us.

Educate yourself as much as you can, keep sharing and keep coming back!
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Old 02-09-2015, 10:13 AM
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Hi Pilot,
Welcome and so glad you found SR. Read around, lots of good support and ideas here!

Peace,
B
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Old 02-09-2015, 10:14 AM
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I am sorry Pilot for the crazy life you have had with your parents. You Dad has a disease and until he chooses to get help and sober, there is nothing you can do.

Please try and get some help for you. You need to set some boundaries with him and you might have to cut ties and go no contact. The pain that he is causing you is horrible.

Please try and take care of you. That is all you can do. ((((((((hugs)))))
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Old 02-09-2015, 10:21 AM
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This may sound harsh but you really don’t have to do anything. He is a grown man and should behave as one and if he can’t because of his alcoholism, then that is also his problem. I have been told to never deny an alcoholic their pain. It may be the one thing that brings them to that desperation were they want to change.

If you enable and help him then he does not feel the pain because you are burdening it for him. You are the one in the pain while he remains drunk.

It does not really matter how or why he turned to alcohol, it only matters that now he has a serious problem and he needs to do something about it. Not you, him.

DTs and hallucinations are serious.

You need to take care of you. Read and get educated on alcoholism. Sadly if he does not want help there is not much you can do but to pray that he gets a moment of clarity and seeks medical care.
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Old 02-09-2015, 10:23 AM
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Welcome to SR Pilot! You are definitely in the right place. I am sorry for your struggles with your father. There is a lot of information and stories here.

HoneyPig posts a daily reader called Language of Letting Go right in this thread. Maybe you would find some of them helpful in focusing on the situation with YOUR best interests in mind.
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Old 02-09-2015, 11:38 AM
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Thank you everyone for your inputs. I will start reading the ressources available on this website. I just hate being powerless and see my father like this and I am mad at the same time that he's so stubborn...oh well..
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Old 02-09-2015, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by pilot35 View Post
I just hate being powerless
And you see - just like that you have admitted the 1st step to recovery:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
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Old 02-09-2015, 08:14 PM
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Also..... We admitted we were powerless over the alcoholic, and that our lives had become unmanageable....
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Old 02-09-2015, 08:48 PM
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Hi pilot35,

Thank you for sharing your story, it really resonated with me as I also have an alcoholic father I can't seem to help, but am slowly coming to the realisation that its not my job to fix him. It's easy to tell others that there's nothing they can do but to actually accept it yourself is very hard.
Please try and concentrate on you, and getting your the job and life you want.
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Old 02-10-2015, 04:31 AM
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So, my father's neighbor just facebooked me that all the lights have been on all night long and that the window stores were also opened all night long and even the kitchen oven is not at his place....he knocked at the door and no answer...I'm gonna go check WTF is going on....he might have been drinking all night long and hiding his booze there..

Does anyone know if one can survive a lot of time after having a mild cirrhosis and an alcoholic hepatitis and keep on drinking?

Pilot
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Old 02-10-2015, 04:41 AM
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Pilot, I truly feel for you! My qualifier is my alcoholic mother. It hurts like hell, but as you get stronger and understand how important it is to focus on YOU and your life, it gets a little bit easier. HUGS
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Old 02-10-2015, 04:43 AM
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Pilot, my unscientific theory is alcoholics get pickled. The caregivers are the ones who die young.

I hope everything is OK.
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Old 02-10-2015, 06:43 AM
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just a follow up.....he was sitting in his own feces half concious. What surprised me is to find the $40 he got out of the ATM is in his wallet. He didn't buy booze with it. I know he had diabetes but they stopped prescribing him drugs when he stopped drinking...maybe it was a bad move. I saw that he almost drank 4 jugs of 2L of orange juice.

He has 39C of fever right now and is in the hospital, I called the ambulance.
We'll see how the results come back. Maybe is yellow eyes this time are due because of his diabetes, could this be possible?
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Old 02-10-2015, 06:58 AM
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I never heard of diabetes causing jaundice. It's liver damage that causes jaundice. I've seen what you are dealing with first hand, and it really is horrifying. At this point it's out of your hands. I'm so sorry--you and your dad are in my prayers.
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Old 02-10-2015, 07:35 AM
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Pilot, I am so very sorry for the situation you are living in with your father. It is horrible and painful to watch someone self destruct.

Just a kind reminder that you are entitled to take care of yourself, no matter what is going on with your father. There is a book you might like that lots of us here have found helpful: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

It is okay to go on with your own life and focus on your job search and your own emotional and physical health. We can only live our own lives, anyway; we can't choose for someone else no matter how bad their choices seem to us.

Keep coming here, you'll find lots of support.

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Old 02-11-2015, 12:55 PM
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Ok guys,

so he has a kidney infection, which got worse, because of the state of his fragile liver. The doctors said they don't know if it's caused by alcohol, because they haven't found anything. But they said if he had drink on friday night/saturday morning and he got in on monday morning, it wouldn't show up.

What would you guys do? try to find out if he drank or just swallow the doubt and hope he hasn't drink and keep hoping he will stay sober ?
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Old 02-11-2015, 01:21 PM
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Sadly, if he wants to drink, there is nothing to stop him. Not even you. If his body has not been getting alcohol (which turns into sugar), that may be why he drank so much orange juice. I've heard of alcoholics that carry around candy with them all day long when they aren't drinking because their body is used to the constant sugar intake... and if they don't drink during the day, they eat the candy. Who knows...
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Old 02-11-2015, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
Sadly, if he wants to drink, there is nothing to stop him. Not even you. If his body has not been getting alcohol (which turns into sugar), that may be why he drank so much orange juice. I've heard of alcoholics that carry around candy with them all day long when they aren't drinking because their body is used to the constant sugar intake... and if they don't drink during the day, they eat the candy. Who knows...
I guess I will shut it up this time...if he drinks again, we will know pretty soon because his liver is pretty f*cked up!
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