Laly

Hello everyone, my name is Laly and I'm an addict. It's been over a year since I've posted. I'm trying a new approach to sobriety/clean time since my last attempts were not successful. They were not successful because I was not completely honest with you. I feel guilty about that deception. I am addicted to pain meds-norco, and fiorocet, a migraine headache rx. I am also a recovering alcoholic who goes to AA on a regular basis. I finally got honest with my home AA group 4 weeks ago and told them about my drug problem. Felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. At the same time I met with my sponsor and she hooked me up with someone in NA. I've been going to NA for past 4 weeks. Best thing I've ever done. I'm also in therapy and I also told therapist. I've been keeping so many secrets...I feel.so much shame..that's about all I have to share right now...thank you all for listening. I almost hope no one remembers me from a year ago.....hate coming back with my tail between my leg....guess this is what it takes. Thank you.

FeelingGreat

At least you're back Laly, and getting plenty of support. Another tool in your tool-kit.

Laly

Thank you Feeling...I appreciate your kind words. I talked the talk last time, but I didn't walk the walk. In looking back, the people pleaser in me was saying the things that sounded good and by passing the hard work. I want the outcome to be different this time. If I want the outcome to be different I have to change everything I'm doing. One of the hardest things for me to do is share my feelings...but my HP keep leading me to this site. This is the most anonymous places of all to share. So I begin to change my habit of not sharing and being the perfect 'addict'....I hope what I am saying makes sense. Thank you for listening.

AliceInTheRain

Welcome back Laly. I'm glad you're getting the support that you need, and if it helps to share then we are here to listen

Laly

Hi Alice, thank you for your kind words. Yes, I do need to share and it needs to be regularly. I need to, to keep myself honest and real. I am struggling with cravings....really bad. The worst part of my cravings seems to be after I have completed a project or met a deadline and there seems to be a void or a need to reward myself. I've checked in to make sure I'm not hungry, angry lonely tired...which I'm usually not. Most often I am elated and feeling very good about myself. Guess I need to work on a reward system and make sure I don't sabotage myself. Thanks for listening everyone.

Impurrfect

Welcome back Laly! Good for you on opening up and reaching out for support!

As far as the reward thing, is there something else you can do to "treat" yourself that doesn't involve drugs? Even simple things, like a bubble bath, buying yourself flowers or taking a walk might help.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

liv1ce

Welcome back. I too had to come crawling back with my tail between my legs so to speak but it was the right thing to do and its been months now.

I also would have some of the worst cravings when I felt really good. It was like if I could feel this good think how much better I would feel with a couple pills! Thinking it through always took me to how bad I would feel when I realized later what I lost.

GracieLou

It sounds like your new approach is working. Stick with it. Honesty is one of the most important factors in recovery, at least for me it was.

To thine own self be true.

MIRecovery

Sounds like you doing the right things. We are only as sick as our secrets. Have you told your Doctor?

four812

Hi ally. How wonderful!

Your post made me happy. Happy for you. This looks like a big new chapter in your recovery!

I live honesty and kindness and you just gave out a double shot.

finaltime

I also did this exact same thing. Don't beat yourself up, we are addicts this is what we do. I was going to AA and justifying because I was not drinking. I even picked up an 8 month chip while on pills. I was able to get rid of the obsession to drink right away, but hasnt been the case with the pills. The pill voice wakes up when I am bored, hurt from a gym injury but I know its never one pill. And the detox is the hell I hate. The chasing of the pills is so time consuming and the money. The freedom we can feel today by just not having to pop a pill to get out of bed is a gift. I love that. I don't miss getting up, grabbing a handful of pills and laying back down to feel that high. That stupid high that only came that one time a day. I HATE IT ALL.

We are free from the bondage of addiction for today only. Take it easy these feelings will get better.

Laly

Hello MI Recovery...yes we are only as sick as our secrets....I laughed as I read your question to me about asking if I have told my Doctor....therein lies one of my biggest secrets, challenges and shameful recurring relapses. I get my supply from my next door neighbor...he is a vet, a war vet not an animal vet. Up until recently, due to injuries sustained during service his med's were mailed to him monthly -in huge quantities. Long story short, sob story on my part, alcoholism on his part, it was a win win. The meds are not mailed to him anymore, he has to go the VA every month and they renew the script. As a recovery alcoholic I was able to curb my cravings. This is just so difficult for me and way to easy to get the drugs. I know I am justifying. That's why I discovered the need to find a reward system. I'm really sorry for such a long post. Please forgive me. I found more NA meetings that I connect with. Thank you all for listening and sharing. It means a lot. To be honest I have never felt worthy of advice or anyone's time. Thanks again.

Laly

Thank you for the suggestions Amy...I'm so hard on myself it's hard to 'reward' myself....which is going to get me back into trouble again. Sometimes I really feel so messed up.in the head...as I typed this however, I looked at the time..its late in my neck of the woods...HALT....I am tired...ok I'm talking to myself again thank you everyone!

Laly

Oh my gosh....yes...you nailed it, a few more pills would seal the deal...NOT. thanks liv1ce .

Laly

Thanks FT...I'm hanging onto your last comment that the feelings get better

Laly

I try....to thine own self be true....I honestly don't know my own self....sad...

Laly

Thanks for your kindness Four....you put a smile on my heart...hugs to you

GracieLou

I didn't either. I had no idea who I was and I am still finding out.

That is the beauty of recovery. We get to find out who we are. When they say we get a better life or a new one, that is true but I think it runs deeper. I think the new life we make is because we find ourselves and we make the life that best suits us after we discover the real us.

That is why everybody's journey is a little different. It is based on the true person inside that we did not know was there.

Looking at the four absolutes helped me when I was not sure of myself. It was four questions I could ask myself to help guide me if I was doing the right thing, thinking the right way and what my motives were. Helped me to be honest with me.

Laly

I want a better life. What are the four absolutes you talk about? Thank you for the help. Getting honest with myself is huge for me. I can lie to myself and no one will know about it, plus I don't have to be accountable to anyone. But ultimately in the end, I'm the one who suffers.