shinebright7

How does it work?

Can I call a locksmith and then have the new key given to the office?

Do I have to call the office and have them do it? I'd prefer not involving them, so I don't even want to call to ask anonymously.

Thank you. If my husband doesn't go to his program tomorrow, I want to change the locks.

I'm safe and he hasn't threatened me, but I want to know what to expect re: the locks.

thank you.

shinebright7

I was able to Google it and at least one of the sites was suggesting that I would likely have to go through the leasing office.

I don't want to tell them why I want my locks changed.

What other reason can I give them so that they'll understand the urgency of my wanting them changed and will do it in the event that I want to go that route tomorrow?

NWGRITS

We're only as sick as our secrets. Tell them the truth. They can be incredibly helpful if you every have trouble in the future.

cynical one

If he's on the lease you might not legally be able to lock him out. Also, in some states if he has established residency you have to go through an eviction process. I would Google your state and the laws first.

If you can give him the boot, then I would look at your neighbors locks, if they are all the same style and color then more than likely the management office replaces them when you lose your key. If they are all different, then you should be able to change them yourself and give the office a new key.

If you can change them yourself, this is easy and just requires a trip to Home Depot/Lowes or your local hardware store. If you opt to do this you can PM me and I can walk you through how to go about buying and installing the new ones yourself.

totfit

You can't just have the locks changed and lock someone out of their house. You have to go to court. If you are married it is his place also.

LexieCat

Yeah, I wouldn't do that without talking to a lawyer. YOU could wind up being charged with harassment, or being evicted, yourself, for locking another tenant out of his apartment.

knowthetriggers

Totfit and Lexiecat make valid points. I can also add that in my state, married or not, if you are invited to stay by the owner/resident for over a 48 hour period you have rights to call it home.

I would reconsider an alternative but that is just my opinion.

shinebright7

Thanks, everyone, for your input and help. My husband isn't actually on our lease because he has a felony on his record. This is one of the things I've been coming to terms with as part of my enabling as I get back into Al-Anon....instead of trusting my gut and moving to an appropriate place when he told me about his record, I let myself be talked into not putting him on the lease where I was already established. (This was before I knew that he was an addict. I just thought this was in his past [DUI with too many Rx pills that weren't his] and that it was over.) Denial. Not seeing the signs. In love. Whatever --- that's where I was at the time.

So, I know this is something I need to deal with and set right, but first things first.

I've made it clear to my husband that if he is not in a program getting help, that he can't stay here with me. Sunday night, he said he wasn't going to go to the program on Monday because he didn't like what happened during family day on Saturday. So that's why I wrote to you Sunday night about what to do if I needed to change the locks.

I reminded him that he couldn't stay here if he wasn't going to the program and I went to my friend's house Sunday night. Monday morning when I got home, he was getting ready and went to the program.

Logistically, I would not be able to change the locks here myself. I see that they're all the same in the units, so I would need to enlist the help of my leasing office.

I'm not ready to be evicted right now (if that would be the case) because of my lying about there not being another person living with me. So, like I said, I'm trying to manage first things first. I know I need to get right with it for my own peace of mind, in addition to the legality of things.

Thanks again for your input. I should also look into the rules for my state based on how long he's lived here, etc. though maybe all of that would be negated by the fact that he has a felony on his record. We'll see.

maia1234

S- from what I read on SR, if the A doesn't want to get sober, it won't work for them. How many people go to rehab because of their family members forcing them, and it never works. I understand that you want him to get help, but him going and working the program are 2 different things.

What we read here is let them hit bottom on their own so they can see what has happened to their lives. Sorry, but that is what I read on F&F and the Alcoholism forums.

Be careful as I think you are setting yourself up for a failure.

shinebright7

Thank you, Maia -- I understand what you're saying totally. He will either work the program or not -- that is yet to be seen.

For now, if he's making an effort, I am willing to let him stay here. If he decides he doesn't want to do the program (it's voluntary) or it turns out that he's not working the program (he's been in the outpatient program for a week) then he can make that choice and won't be able to live with me.

I've been making a ton of mistakes with all of this for a long time -- enabling, trying to convince, etc. so I don't expect that I'm going to have all my defects worked out after just starting back with Al Anon the week of Christmas, so I'm doing the best I can to do what makes me feel better and emotionally safer.

I continue to try to remind myself of the realistic possibility that he doesn't really want recovery yet...he knows he has a problem, but does he get the extent of it? Does he realize the severity? I don't know. I think it's good that he's willing to go -- but, it's true, I'm not holding my breath or expecting a miracle. I'm just trying to focus on me while also providing space for him to see what happens if he focuses on him in the outpatient program. We'll see.

maia1234

S- Good for you for trying. I just don't want you to get hurt.... again by his drinking.

I know that I tried for 34 years with my X and it never worked. I was told by my DD22 that he is watching his drinking around her. Well at least he is recognizing that he needs to moderate his drinking. (not that an A can do that either), but at least its in the back of his mind.

I am hoping for you that this is it!!! ((((((hugs))))))))))

hopeful4

Why don't you just tell the leasing office you would like to change the locks for personal reasons and is there a certain brand you are required to use?

I am guessing most won't care as long as they get keys.

XXX

LexieCat

You'd have to check with a landlord-tenant lawyer to be sure, but I'm betting shinebright has no legal right superior to the landlord to allow him to live there, so if they haven't recognized him as a tenant, it might be possible to change the lock (with the landlord's permission).

Have you considered, shine, about what you'd do with his belongings if you do that?

shinebright7

Hopeful -- Calling it "personal reasons" might be a good way to say it if I need to - thank you for that idea.

Lexie - Yeah, they definitely don't recognize him as a tenant and I'm afraid that if I told them that he was here, that I'd be in trouble and maybe get evicted. I should talk to someone to know what the truth is instead of worrying about what MIGHT be. My brother is a co-signer on the apartment and I would hate for his credit to be impacted by my actions if they found out, too.

About his belongings -- no, I haven't really considered what I would do with them. I guess I just imagined him packing some bags and leaving the rest until he found somewhere to be, but now that I say that, I see that's not very practical. Honestly he doesn't have too many things. Maybe he would just pack it all up and have to find a friend to store some of it for him. Better ideas?

hopeful4

My idea will cost you one month in a storage locker, but here is what I would do.

Rent a storage unit for one month. Move his stuff in. Tell the manager to give him a key when he asks for it. Tell him where his stuff is, what date the locker expires, and that he can see the manager for a key.

That is what I would do, so it's just my .02

shinebright7

I'm glad to know about that option, Hopeful. Thank you for sharing!

LexieCat

Do you think he might willingly move out if you told him he had to? If he moves out, then all you have to do is just change the locks for your own security. IOW, then there is no issue of eviction--he doesn't live there anymore. Simple. And you can truthfully tell the leasing office that you had given a key to someone who you no longer want to have access to the apartment. You don't have to say he was living there.

If he is cooperative, you could set a time for him got come get his stuff--anything he doesn't take with him immediately--and have a friend stand by while he gets it, just to have a witness and to be sure things don't get out of hand. Maybe your brother?

LexieCat

The problem with the storage locker deal is that if he doesn't pick it up, the storage company has YOU on the hook for the monthly storage fee. They won't go after him--they have no contract with him. And they won't just toss his stuff because they don't want to be liable. So your fees could keep getting added up.

NYCDoglvr

Very important to check local laws. In New York, if someone has occupied an apartment for over 30 days, you must go to court to evict them, even if it's only your name on the lease.

shinebright7

Hmmm. Good ideas, Lexi. I don't know how he'd react to moving out. He could tuck his tail between his legs and go willingly or he could get sloppy begging me to let him stay. That makes sense, though, that I could just the leasing office that I gave someone a key that I don't want to have access to the apt. anymore. So glad you thought of that. Thanks!