shelton40

I am upset...I dont know sometimes how to think about dirrection of my life...decisions...AH.
I did my taxes on my own. My AH texted to let me know he had everything for us to do our taxes together. When I am told over and over again he will not pay for anything for my kids(from my first marriage) and at the end we are just room mates kids included...why would I allow him to claim and reap benefits if children he wont help pay for and he threatens to kick us out. So I took care of them. It was a difficult decision...I cried because its all so stupid. All of it. There is a solution.
AH informs me that I keep pushing him away and not wanting to work on us with him. Well Im sorry I dont have alot of hope. Why would I put anymore energy into something that I was always trying to hold together while we were still together.
I know I nagged alot. I know I was constantly afraid. I know I was to preoccupied with him and what he was doing. I know I catered to him to keep the peace. He catered to me at times also. There is so much that needs to be worked on.
I really love him. I dont miss the person I am around him. I dont want to be that scared miserable person anymore. Constantly looking for a clue. Checking his phone. Wondering if he is driving while high. Its TOO much.
How can there be any hope of reconciliation? How can he even think there is any hope when he and I are not stable yet?
He asked for me to go to counseling with him...we will have to see.
Crying alot...just trying to sit in the grief of a marriage in ashes.

AnvilheadII

go easy on your self hon. more will be revealed. you don't have to KNOW everything and make all your decisions today. big props to doing your own taxes!

Mango blast

How long has he been back home? Did he leave previously or did you? I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

Getting your taxes done is a big deal! Congratulations on getting that done.

Have you been to Alanon and do you have any other emotional support for yourself? Baby steps. One day at a time.

Sotiredofitall

Big hugs. Sounds like you need a few. (((((())))))

LemonGirl

I don't have any real experience with what you asked, but it makes sense to me to get the alcohol thing all sorted out and your own recovery on track before anything in the relationship can be tackled. I wish he knew that....

shelton40

Thanks everyone. Hugs back. We are still seperated. Going on 5 weeks. Have seen each other once in that time. I have been hiding out in my new place...go to alanon when i can. On here alot reading and learning. Now I am going to just wait on the Lord. With God all things are are possible.

SadInTX

Your posting sounds a lot like me and what I am going through right now. My AH says I am treating him bad...avoiding him...keeping my feelings/thoughts to myself...just trying to keep the peace...trying to avoid any arguements since I don't know how he is going to react...it is exhausting. When he is drunk he wants to analyze and talk about our relationship..kept me up until Midnight last night...says that I am the one that is ruining our relationship...I finally had the courage to tell him I was afraid of his drinking...he admitted he drinks too much but I don't think that will stop him.,threatens to kick me out with my boys (I too have kids from previous relationship) hang in there. Time will help...

hopeful4

Good for you. Stay the course, it does get better.

shelton40

Sadln...I got tired of being told to shut the f@$! Up or get the F@$! Out...so I did. My children are precious to my well being. I didnt want them to think its ok to drink and smoke pot. I cant continue to tell them its wrong and put up with my Stubborn AH addictions. It is devestating. Also a myriad of character defects I seem to be accumulating. Time to clean house.
I hope things get better for you and everyone else on here trying to just live. Much love