serious vent!!!!!
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
serious vent!!!!!
Omfg!!! RXAH came over today at my request of course, because I am a big ass Codie who can't just be hurt and leave it alone. I just HAVE to ask for more pain. ALWAYS!!!!
So. Had a good day. Like a dumbass asked him to move home. He said no. Thats a good thing. But I had to ask why. Hes all tooting his horn, big AA guy and so in to honesty now, which he never was before. Seemed odd, but why not just go with it? So I go to AA meeting there and really took the topic to heart. It was "RAs not being accepted". Was really good to get the viewpoint from SOME. I actually cried when one person stated that he knew the people in his life that weren't accepting of him, needed to look in the mirror. He was right of course. I really sat down and worked my 1st step today with a worksheet and it really made me feel like crap. I'm not saying RXAH is a saint, far from it, but man, I really haven't made it easy on him with all my bitching. So, I leave meetin, pick up kids from sitter, get home and we fb a bit cuz his phones off and can only get wifi. I asked when Al Anon meeting was and he MESSAGES me, he called some female to find out the time. I said, so your phones on? He said yes, just got it figured out. So, instead of full on codie launch, I say ok i need a few minutes. I calm down, because wgats the point of being mad. I already know he lies like ALL TGE TIME. SO THEN, I ask. Are you talking to any females that may be detrimental to us working things out. He responds. Just friends. Online dating site. AND follows it up with, since I didnt respond to his emails over weekend he created additional emails and sating site log ins. WTF???
We REALLY talked about things today. I felt like he was actually being sincere and now this. So he agreed to delete most of them. No apology. No nothing. Just a thank you for not flipping ****.
Now, i know Im not to take his inventory but seriously? Can i say to him, clearly your program is how YOU interpret it and not how it was meant to be.
To top it off his best buddy is a 23 yr old who still smokes pot.
Why oh why do i do this to me???
So. Had a good day. Like a dumbass asked him to move home. He said no. Thats a good thing. But I had to ask why. Hes all tooting his horn, big AA guy and so in to honesty now, which he never was before. Seemed odd, but why not just go with it? So I go to AA meeting there and really took the topic to heart. It was "RAs not being accepted". Was really good to get the viewpoint from SOME. I actually cried when one person stated that he knew the people in his life that weren't accepting of him, needed to look in the mirror. He was right of course. I really sat down and worked my 1st step today with a worksheet and it really made me feel like crap. I'm not saying RXAH is a saint, far from it, but man, I really haven't made it easy on him with all my bitching. So, I leave meetin, pick up kids from sitter, get home and we fb a bit cuz his phones off and can only get wifi. I asked when Al Anon meeting was and he MESSAGES me, he called some female to find out the time. I said, so your phones on? He said yes, just got it figured out. So, instead of full on codie launch, I say ok i need a few minutes. I calm down, because wgats the point of being mad. I already know he lies like ALL TGE TIME. SO THEN, I ask. Are you talking to any females that may be detrimental to us working things out. He responds. Just friends. Online dating site. AND follows it up with, since I didnt respond to his emails over weekend he created additional emails and sating site log ins. WTF???
We REALLY talked about things today. I felt like he was actually being sincere and now this. So he agreed to delete most of them. No apology. No nothing. Just a thank you for not flipping ****.
Now, i know Im not to take his inventory but seriously? Can i say to him, clearly your program is how YOU interpret it and not how it was meant to be.
To top it off his best buddy is a 23 yr old who still smokes pot.
Why oh why do i do this to me???
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Okay, I see a positive here that maybe you aren't looking at. This WHOLE thing really ended up with YOU. YOU started working on YOUR first step!!!!!
That is AWESOME!
You are doing the same thing that I am working so do and that is to STOP REACTING. My T gave me a mnemonic to help to stop my thoughts and take time to process new info so that I can respond the way I WANT to respond. It's called WAIT -which stands for Why Am I Talking.
We don't HAVE to say the first thing that comes to our head. In fact, we SHOULDN'T say the first thing that comes to our head because more often than not our first reaction to some A BS is going to be based out of *fear*, which can in turn come out in *anger* or we can react by sugar coating our hurt in order to "not hurt them". It's a viscous game that we play with ourselves when we don't take the time to stop and REALLY THINK about how we are going to react. It sounds like you did some of that when you said you needed a few mins. That was a good call. You should be doing this with MOST things that the A says, IMO. Because like you said, trust is a huge issue and even trust with YOURSELF at this point is difficult . We can't *trust* that we won't have a full blown codie response so we need time to think hard about our next move, or our next sentence to make sure we are as spot on as we can be to "mean what you say and say what you mean".
I can relate to breaking down, attempting to bring them back to the household, and then getting sorely disappointed. It does suck, especially when you know in your heart you *shouldn't* be doing that to begin with. Then add a little rejection on top of that and you've secured your night in bed with tears, anger, and a box of tissues.
I'm sorry your having such a difficult time right now. But the most important thing is that you started working your steps. Maybe your higher power wanted you at that meeting. Maybe you really needed to hear the message. Sounds like you did, and that is over all a victory IMO.
Your going to be ok. You sound like a really strong woman and I think once you set your resolve to *really* start paving the way to YOUR recovery, you are going to be off to the races.
Just make this a learning experience, quit beating yourself up, and practice what you've learned.
HUGS! Hang in there girlie
That is AWESOME!
You are doing the same thing that I am working so do and that is to STOP REACTING. My T gave me a mnemonic to help to stop my thoughts and take time to process new info so that I can respond the way I WANT to respond. It's called WAIT -which stands for Why Am I Talking.
We don't HAVE to say the first thing that comes to our head. In fact, we SHOULDN'T say the first thing that comes to our head because more often than not our first reaction to some A BS is going to be based out of *fear*, which can in turn come out in *anger* or we can react by sugar coating our hurt in order to "not hurt them". It's a viscous game that we play with ourselves when we don't take the time to stop and REALLY THINK about how we are going to react. It sounds like you did some of that when you said you needed a few mins. That was a good call. You should be doing this with MOST things that the A says, IMO. Because like you said, trust is a huge issue and even trust with YOURSELF at this point is difficult . We can't *trust* that we won't have a full blown codie response so we need time to think hard about our next move, or our next sentence to make sure we are as spot on as we can be to "mean what you say and say what you mean".
I can relate to breaking down, attempting to bring them back to the household, and then getting sorely disappointed. It does suck, especially when you know in your heart you *shouldn't* be doing that to begin with. Then add a little rejection on top of that and you've secured your night in bed with tears, anger, and a box of tissues.
I'm sorry your having such a difficult time right now. But the most important thing is that you started working your steps. Maybe your higher power wanted you at that meeting. Maybe you really needed to hear the message. Sounds like you did, and that is over all a victory IMO.
Your going to be ok. You sound like a really strong woman and I think once you set your resolve to *really* start paving the way to YOUR recovery, you are going to be off to the races.
Just make this a learning experience, quit beating yourself up, and practice what you've learned.
HUGS! Hang in there girlie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by freetosmile 
Okay,
You are doing the same thing that I am working so do and that is to STOP REACTING. My T gave me a mnemonic to help to stop my thoughts and take time to process new info so that I can respond the way I WANT to respond. It's called WAIT -which stands for Why Am I Talking.
You are doing the same thing that I am working so do and that is to STOP REACTING. My T gave me a mnemonic to help to stop my thoughts and take time to process new info so that I can respond the way I WANT to respond. It's called WAIT -which stands for Why Am I Talking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
It's great that you are working your first step, and it sounds like the WAIT is very helpful.
Forgive me if I don't get something, but someone putting up profiles on dating sites seems like they are planning to date?
Taking down "most" of them means what? I thought you bagged up his stuff
and were going no contact--if so, what are his dating profiles to you, and if not
it sounds like there are some serious mixed messages going on.
Maybe there are different expectations of outcome here that I just don't get,
or perhaps I'm just showing my age.
Forgive me if I don't get something, but someone putting up profiles on dating sites seems like they are planning to date?
Taking down "most" of them means what? I thought you bagged up his stuff
and were going no contact--if so, what are his dating profiles to you, and if not
it sounds like there are some serious mixed messages going on.
Maybe there are different expectations of outcome here that I just don't get,
or perhaps I'm just showing my age.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
So, about the "not being accepting of RAs" and "having to look in the mirror" part?
It's not the first time I've heard that. And here's how I think about it:
I've said here more than once that I would not date an RA. I've also said that it's not because I think RAs are dirt, but because of my deeply hurtful experiences being married to an A, I would not be capable of trusting an RA to not relapse. And that fear would consume my life and make me miserable. That's me looking in the mirror.
What I've learned is that my recovery will not make me perfect; it will reveal to me my shortcomings and make it possible for me to live with them while working on them. My recovery also makes me honest about what I can and cannot handle.
So "if you can't accept an RA, look in the mirror" doesn't mean "if you don't want to get back together with your ex once he gets sober, you are a horrible person" -- it means "if you have a hard time accepting RAs, find out why and you might learn something about yourself."
Open AA meetings can be really good for codies to learn how things look from the other side. But I can honestly say that if I had attended AA meetings at the beginning of my recovery, I would have drawn the conclusion that I should take pity on AXH and stay with him, because alcoholism recovery is so difficult and only other alcoholics really understand.
It's not the first time I've heard that. And here's how I think about it:
I've said here more than once that I would not date an RA. I've also said that it's not because I think RAs are dirt, but because of my deeply hurtful experiences being married to an A, I would not be capable of trusting an RA to not relapse. And that fear would consume my life and make me miserable. That's me looking in the mirror.
What I've learned is that my recovery will not make me perfect; it will reveal to me my shortcomings and make it possible for me to live with them while working on them. My recovery also makes me honest about what I can and cannot handle.
So "if you can't accept an RA, look in the mirror" doesn't mean "if you don't want to get back together with your ex once he gets sober, you are a horrible person" -- it means "if you have a hard time accepting RAs, find out why and you might learn something about yourself."
Open AA meetings can be really good for codies to learn how things look from the other side. But I can honestly say that if I had attended AA meetings at the beginning of my recovery, I would have drawn the conclusion that I should take pity on AXH and stay with him, because alcoholism recovery is so difficult and only other alcoholics really understand.
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Love all of you and your advice.
Yes I did kick him out and I codie'd up and didnt stick to my resolve.
Huge positive is really working my step 1.
Dating site does equal dating. The crazy making in me went into overdrive and decided to snoop. I hopped on Adult Friend Finder, and what do you know, his profile comes up. His full nude profile that was established in 2008 & has been active ever since, along with some rather raunchy profile description of what he wants to do with whoever, whenever their good to go.
After getting rid of the vomit in my mouth, I had to look at all I have been through with him. Having our daughter on my own. Selling my crap to keep us afloat. Being ignored, rejected, blamed. 5 years of him saying its not him, its me. Recent events.
Sorry to be so graphic but theres just something about seeing your mans junk posted for the last 6 years on line through good times and bad, through rehab, through everything, that just SUMMED it up. Im out. Im out for good. I deserve way way way better than this.
Yes I did kick him out and I codie'd up and didnt stick to my resolve.
Huge positive is really working my step 1.
Dating site does equal dating. The crazy making in me went into overdrive and decided to snoop. I hopped on Adult Friend Finder, and what do you know, his profile comes up. His full nude profile that was established in 2008 & has been active ever since, along with some rather raunchy profile description of what he wants to do with whoever, whenever their good to go.
After getting rid of the vomit in my mouth, I had to look at all I have been through with him. Having our daughter on my own. Selling my crap to keep us afloat. Being ignored, rejected, blamed. 5 years of him saying its not him, its me. Recent events.
Sorry to be so graphic but theres just something about seeing your mans junk posted for the last 6 years on line through good times and bad, through rehab, through everything, that just SUMMED it up. Im out. Im out for good. I deserve way way way better than this.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
My ex was on that site- A LOT. It is a disgusting website that just brought tears to my eyes and made me feel like a worthless piece of junk that he was turning a life with ME down for THAT. I sooooo feel your pain. I read my ex's profile (the same way you did) and it just made me sick to my stomach. Literally. I think I wanted to throw up too. It's so demeaning and degrading. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve that. let me say that again, YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT........ok I'm gonna rephrase it now because it bears repeating...YOU DESERVE SOOOO MUCH BETTER!!! He is a sick man, and so was my ex. Really sick.
It also puts into perspective how much value he places on women, however, and that should be a red flag that NEVER goes away.
I can relate to this as if it happened to me yesterday. Really I can. I'm so sorry girlie. This guy doesn't deserve to kiss the ground you walk on. What a jerkwad!
Just keep focusing on you! Use your hurt and anger as motivation (if nothing else) to prove to yourself AND him that you can and WILL do better. Just push like you've never pushed before. You can do this, because if I can, I know you can too.
It also puts into perspective how much value he places on women, however, and that should be a red flag that NEVER goes away.
I can relate to this as if it happened to me yesterday. Really I can. I'm so sorry girlie. This guy doesn't deserve to kiss the ground you walk on. What a jerkwad!
Just keep focusing on you! Use your hurt and anger as motivation (if nothing else) to prove to yourself AND him that you can and WILL do better. Just push like you've never pushed before. You can do this, because if I can, I know you can too.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by aboutdone
I hopped on Adult Friend Finder, and what do you know, his profile comes up. His full nude profile that was established in 2008 & has been active ever since,
I am going to assume that you feel like you you've been cheated on as well, since this was established in 2008 and is still active.
I really hope that you won't let this discovery set you back. I do understand the pain, and I hope that you will continue to focus on you. You have every right (imo) to feel cheated on and betrayed. I just hope you know that if you need to pm about this, I've available. I know all too well the pain of a discovery like that. I will be thinking about you and praying for you.
Tight tight hugs
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Originally Posted by freetosmile
BTW- did I mention that YOU DESERVE BETTER?! 
I really needed to see it though. It wrapped it all up for me with a pretty big purple (fav color) bow.
Heres why...
I was hanging on to those shreds of what we call good times. I have been focused on the whole "fix it" and it can be good again. I remember those good times.
The fact is those good times NEVER existed. I thought they did. I believed they did. Back when he was fresh out if rehab. Things seemed so much better than any other time in our relationship. He was a butt but I totally trusted him. Madw myself transparent. Vulnerable. Seeing that account has been active for 6 years through all my perceived "good times", I realized there wasn't any good times. My whole relationship with him is dark and I could NEVER trust him again in my life. Not ever.
Today, I don't hate him. I just dont care. If he ceased breathing today, I doubt I would attend his funeral. I just. Dont. Care. Now.
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
it's an extremely cautionary tale about when we THINK we really KNOW someone.......
I will most likely never trust a man again, and although that mught not be healthy thinking, in the long run it just might be the best option for mysekf and my kids. Our safety, sanity and serenity as well as self worth comes first, no matter what the cost.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by aboutdone
Love all of you and your advice.
Yes I did kick him out and I codie'd up and didnt stick to my resolve.
Huge positive is really working my step 1.
Dating site does equal dating. The crazy making in me went into overdrive and decided to snoop. I hopped on Adult Friend Finder, and what do you know, his profile comes up. His full nude profile that was established in 2008 & has been active ever since, along with some rather raunchy profile description of what he wants to do with whoever, whenever their good to go.
After getting rid of the vomit in my mouth, I had to look at all I have been through with him. Having our daughter on my own. Selling my crap to keep us afloat. Being ignored, rejected, blamed. 5 years of him saying its not him, its me. Recent events.
Sorry to be so graphic but theres just something about seeing your mans junk posted for the last 6 years on line through good times and bad, through rehab, through everything, that just SUMMED it up. Im out. Im out for good. I deserve way way way better than this.
Yes I did kick him out and I codie'd up and didnt stick to my resolve.
Huge positive is really working my step 1.
Dating site does equal dating. The crazy making in me went into overdrive and decided to snoop. I hopped on Adult Friend Finder, and what do you know, his profile comes up. His full nude profile that was established in 2008 & has been active ever since, along with some rather raunchy profile description of what he wants to do with whoever, whenever their good to go.
After getting rid of the vomit in my mouth, I had to look at all I have been through with him. Having our daughter on my own. Selling my crap to keep us afloat. Being ignored, rejected, blamed. 5 years of him saying its not him, its me. Recent events.
Sorry to be so graphic but theres just something about seeing your mans junk posted for the last 6 years on line through good times and bad, through rehab, through everything, that just SUMMED it up. Im out. Im out for good. I deserve way way way better than this.
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Originally Posted by NerdlyBeauty
aboutdone, I was in almost the same exact situation as you with my ABD (Alcoholic baby daddy - not sure what else to call him)...except he would try to include me in his twisted sexual fantasies. I remember when i was pregnant with our son, he would to set up a threesome with me, him, and the effing pizza delivery guy. And he would put up posts on craigslist seeking a threesome with me...w/o my knowledge. Then he would call be a prude because I didn't want to have group sex or threesomes. Even last night, when I hit my bottom with him, told him I hated him (I do), and I was going to take him to the bus station in the morning (I dropped him off at a mutual "friends" house...a not-very-attractive woman who has sex with all the married men we know. He's probably having sex with her as we speak)...I probably reacted way more pissed off than I should have...but he woke up in the middle of the night twice and tried to force me to have sex with him. Anyway, I know I am rambling because I am still so upset. I hate his effing guts, disease or not. But I really feel what you are going through. Thanks for sharing
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