Extreme gift giving
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Extreme gift giving
Those of you with an AH/W that likes to go to extremes in gift giving to make up for guilt, how did you get a handle on that in your home? My kids love it, tho my eldest did voice some discomfort accepting the money AH gave him in a Christmas card. I'm sitting in the living room with my eldest and had the courage to ask what his dad gave him and tried to hide my disbelief. He responded by saying its way too much....that's an understatement.
I don't know what to do about this. The younger ones are thrilled tho I don't know what he put in their cards but I'm positive it's not what AH and I agreed on. I haven't had alone time with them to ask. I don't want them to feel bad for accepting and I don't want to be the bad guy once again.
I don't know what to do about this. The younger ones are thrilled tho I don't know what he put in their cards but I'm positive it's not what AH and I agreed on. I haven't had alone time with them to ask. I don't want them to feel bad for accepting and I don't want to be the bad guy once again.
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If you agreed on an amount Katchie, and he choose to ignore your agreement
and give them much more, it seems like he has crossed yet another boundary.
How many does he get to cross before he has any meaningful consequences this time?
Don't you have a say in what happens in your home anymore?
I don't mean to be blunt, but I'm worried about you.
It seems like your voice isn't being heard in your family and that isn't right.
Hugs ((((((Katchie))))))
and give them much more, it seems like he has crossed yet another boundary.
How many does he get to cross before he has any meaningful consequences this time?
Don't you have a say in what happens in your home anymore?
I don't mean to be blunt, but I'm worried about you.
It seems like your voice isn't being heard in your family and that isn't right.
Hugs ((((((Katchie))))))
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My parents used to put us in the middle, interrogating us about what the other parent gave us for gifts. They were divorced and it was a constant tug of war with us in the middle.
Your husband is trying to do the same thing. You can either put the kids in the middle or choose drop the rope. This is who you married. Your kids didn't ask to be brought into this.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but the alcoholic/codependent blame game is really damaging to kids, who feel like it's a zero sum game where love is finite and conditional.
If this is such an issue, take it up with your husband. Leave the kids out of it.
Your husband is trying to do the same thing. You can either put the kids in the middle or choose drop the rope. This is who you married. Your kids didn't ask to be brought into this.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but the alcoholic/codependent blame game is really damaging to kids, who feel like it's a zero sum game where love is finite and conditional.
If this is such an issue, take it up with your husband. Leave the kids out of it.
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My family used to buy stuff instead of being nice.
Even as a kid, I saw through that and wished it was different. Your kids will have to handle their own emotions - please don't discuss your agreements with your husband with them. The money he gave them was his to give and is now theirs. I know you think it was too much money, but it's between them and their dad.
Even as a kid, I saw through that and wished it was different. Your kids will have to handle their own emotions - please don't discuss your agreements with your husband with them. The money he gave them was his to give and is now theirs. I know you think it was too much money, but it's between them and their dad.
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I don't put my kids in the middle. I never have. I asked my adult son what he got because I know my AH won't be truthful about it. I don't really need to know what the others received because I know it was overboard.
I wish in vain for him to be a parent. That is my problem. It's like I have to be the parent and pretend he isn't really here and move on. Then he gets up in a chipper mood and asks what study we are doing next. He is oblivious no matter what I say or protest. There is just nothing right. We are going to be in the stinking poor house the way he spreads dough around.
I wish in vain for him to be a parent. That is my problem. It's like I have to be the parent and pretend he isn't really here and move on. Then he gets up in a chipper mood and asks what study we are doing next. He is oblivious no matter what I say or protest. There is just nothing right. We are going to be in the stinking poor house the way he spreads dough around.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
My family used to buy stuff instead of being nice.
Even as a kid, I saw through that and wished it was different. Your kids will have to handle their own emotions - please don't discuss your agreements with your husband with them. The money he gave them was his to give and is now theirs. I know you think it was too much money, but it's between them and their dad.
Even as a kid, I saw through that and wished it was different. Your kids will have to handle their own emotions - please don't discuss your agreements with your husband with them. The money he gave them was his to give and is now theirs. I know you think it was too much money, but it's between them and their dad.
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Yeah, I know all about this. I was the one doing the giving these past years. This year I agreed with my wife no presents and we took a 10 day holiday with our son and a few with extended family. Lots of simple time spent together, no material indulgence and no alcohol. Has been really great.
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Originally Posted by ubntubnt
Yeah, I know all about this. I was the one doing the giving these past years. This year I agreed with my wife no presents and we took a 10 day holiday with our son and a few with extended family. Lots of simple time spent together, no material indulgence and no alcohol. Has been really great.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
My parents used to put us in the middle, interrogating us about what the other parent gave us for gifts. They were divorced and it was a constant tug of war with us in the middle.
Your husband is trying to do the same thing. You can either put the kids in the middle or choose drop the rope. This is who you married. Your kids didn't ask to be brought into this.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but the alcoholic/codependent blame game is really damaging to kids, who feel like it's a zero sum game where love is finite and conditional.
If this is such an issue, take it up with your husband. Leave the kids out of it.
Your husband is trying to do the same thing. You can either put the kids in the middle or choose drop the rope. This is who you married. Your kids didn't ask to be brought into this.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but the alcoholic/codependent blame game is really damaging to kids, who feel like it's a zero sum game where love is finite and conditional.
If this is such an issue, take it up with your husband. Leave the kids out of it.
I don't share with my sons my deepest thoughts and never will. I try to be their soundboard for their own feelings to bounce off of and that has worked well for them giving relief when needed. I don't want them to hate their dad but they do need to understand what is going on and know it isn't their fault and they can't change him.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
If you agreed on an amount Katchie, and he choose to ignore your agreement
and give them much more, it seems like he has crossed yet another boundary.
How many does he get to cross before he has any meaningful consequences this time?
Don't you have a say in what happens in your home anymore?
I don't mean to be blunt, but I'm worried about you.
It seems like your voice isn't being heard in your family and that isn't right.
Hugs ((((((Katchie))))))
and give them much more, it seems like he has crossed yet another boundary.
How many does he get to cross before he has any meaningful consequences this time?
Don't you have a say in what happens in your home anymore?
I don't mean to be blunt, but I'm worried about you.
It seems like your voice isn't being heard in your family and that isn't right.
Hugs ((((((Katchie))))))
We would agree on something and then he would just do whatever he wanted anyway. It was always up me to be the heavy, the disciplinarian, the nag. He would tell me what he thought I wanted to hear just to shut me up, and then go do whatever he wanted anyway. It was a terrible way to live and a tough pill to swallow realizing that the man I married did not have any respect for me as a person.
I didn't mean that you, Katchie, are making a conscious choice to put your kids in the middle, but that your husband's behavior and treatment of you is creating that dynamic on a subconscious level. He wants to be the "good guy" to make up for his horrible behavior. You've already identified this correctly as an attempt to buy love. In a zero sum game that means there has to be a "bad guy", mean old mommy who doesn't want anyone to have a good time. Didn't he just get stinking drunk at your kids' basketball game and make a fool of himself and embarrass them?
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
This was a common issue with my ex husband, he was not an alcoholic, but a compulsive spender, pathological liar and just generally did not treat me as a partner or an equal.
We would agree on something and then he would just do whatever he wanted anyway. It was always up me to be the heavy, the disciplinarian, the nag. He would tell me what he thought I wanted to hear just to shut me up, and then go do whatever he wanted anyway. It was a terrible way to live and a tough pill to swallow realizing that the man I married did not have any respect for me as a person.
I didn't mean that you, Katchie, are making a conscious choice to put your kids in the middle, but that your husband's behavior and treatment of you is creating that dynamic on a subconscious level. He wants to be the "good guy" to make up for his horrible behavior. You've already identified this correctly as an attempt to buy love. In a zero sum game that means there has to be a "bad guy", mean old mommy who doesn't want anyone to have a good time. Didn't he just get stinking drunk at your kids' basketball game and make a fool of himself and embarrass them?
We would agree on something and then he would just do whatever he wanted anyway. It was always up me to be the heavy, the disciplinarian, the nag. He would tell me what he thought I wanted to hear just to shut me up, and then go do whatever he wanted anyway. It was a terrible way to live and a tough pill to swallow realizing that the man I married did not have any respect for me as a person.
I didn't mean that you, Katchie, are making a conscious choice to put your kids in the middle, but that your husband's behavior and treatment of you is creating that dynamic on a subconscious level. He wants to be the "good guy" to make up for his horrible behavior. You've already identified this correctly as an attempt to buy love. In a zero sum game that means there has to be a "bad guy", mean old mommy who doesn't want anyone to have a good time. Didn't he just get stinking drunk at your kids' basketball game and make a fool of himself and embarrass them?
And yes, he did go to a game drunk off his rear and I haven't heard the end of it from other parents who were witness to his bad behavior. They, of course, have no idea he was drunk as a skunk.
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are you involved with the family finances and have access to the bank accounts? and does HE have wide open access to the funds?
katchie, I don't see this situation as doing anything but continuing to devolve. he's shown you who he is, you KNOW who he is....at some point we have to move from being perpetually mystified by their behavior, and acknowledging that what is IS, and then acting accordingly. it doesn't matter what is behind his "gift giving" - what matters is how this affects the family budget and financial well being. you gotta stop the bleeding. he "gives" in the same he drinks.......to excess, with complete lack of control. how long does he get to play this game?
katchie, I don't see this situation as doing anything but continuing to devolve. he's shown you who he is, you KNOW who he is....at some point we have to move from being perpetually mystified by their behavior, and acknowledging that what is IS, and then acting accordingly. it doesn't matter what is behind his "gift giving" - what matters is how this affects the family budget and financial well being. you gotta stop the bleeding. he "gives" in the same he drinks.......to excess, with complete lack of control. how long does he get to play this game?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
are you involved with the family finances and have access to the bank accounts? and does HE have wide open access to the funds?
katchie, I don't see this situation as doing anything but continuing to devolve. he's shown you who he is, you KNOW who he is....at some point we have to move from being perpetually mystified by their behavior, and acknowledging that what is IS, and then acting accordingly. it doesn't matter what is behind his "gift giving" - what matters is how this affects the family budget and financial well being. you gotta stop the bleeding. he "gives" in the same he drinks.......to excess, with complete lack of control. how long does he get to play this game?
katchie, I don't see this situation as doing anything but continuing to devolve. he's shown you who he is, you KNOW who he is....at some point we have to move from being perpetually mystified by their behavior, and acknowledging that what is IS, and then acting accordingly. it doesn't matter what is behind his "gift giving" - what matters is how this affects the family budget and financial well being. you gotta stop the bleeding. he "gives" in the same he drinks.......to excess, with complete lack of control. how long does he get to play this game?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
don't know how to move out of my stuckness
ok, let's go with that for now.....how might someone WHO ISN'T YOU move forward?
ok, let's go with that for now.....how might someone WHO ISN'T YOU move forward?
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I had the similar situation as Lady Scribbler when married. I ended up becoming a complete obsessive paranoid about our financial situation-- history always served that I was being lied to, he was going to do what he wanted anyway and the debt would be always minimized.
I don't know what you do about that, honestly. One solution is go to Al-Anon, work on resentments, get a job and separate the finances. It's just hard living with an addict.
I don't know what you do about that, honestly. One solution is go to Al-Anon, work on resentments, get a job and separate the finances. It's just hard living with an addict.
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