brynn

Day 18 for me, and while it doesn't sound like a very big number, it's the longest I've been voluntarily sober in about five years.

People always say to post when you're struggling, so here I am.

I woke up smelling booze (phantom smell) and it's been a struggle all day to stay sober.

I've been thinking about the life I had before I let booze become my only priority.
I was an RN and I loved my job. I was married to my college sweetheart and had a beautiful home. Overall, I had a good life and looked forward to the future.

But in 2009 everything just fell apart. Some really bad things happened and I started using booze to 'cope'.
Alcohol became my life in a relatively short period of time.

Now, I no longer have my job as a nurse.

I ran away from my husband because he 'forced' me to go to rehab and wouldn't 'let' me drink when I got out. Of course, in hindsight I realize he did it out of love and concern. I know I scared the crap out of him and he just didn't know how else to handle it.

I'm realizing how much stuff I've never dealt with. Growing up in a fairly violent alcoholic home, my sisters suicide, an assault five years ago that left me with a scar I have to look at every day as a lovely reminder. Beginning to think maybe some sort of counseling might be a good idea?

It boggles my mind that after allowing alcohol to pretty much destroy my life, I could even entertain the slightest thought of drinking again! But that's where I am.

I've made a commitment to not drink today, I just needed to let someone know what's going on.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest and for the support y'all have shown me over the past 18 days.

Gonnachange

Great idea to come here and write. I hope the day eases for you and you can start on day 19 tomorrow.

Soberwolf

Well done on day 18 Brynn your doing really really well

FreeOwl

I'm glad you've made that commitment... that's the most important one you can make, right there.

I'm also glad you logged on and posted here while you're struggling.... that's another good move and even though it may not seem huge, it IS huge.

It's these kinds of changes that start to add up and - brick by brick of positive change - build the foundation of our sobriety, growth and happiness.

You mentioned counseling, you also mentioned or alluded to a lot of traumatic stuff. I am including counseling with a good therapist as part of my own recovery and it has been tremendously helpful. In concert with working the steps, tending to my health, meditating and generally doing the difficult WORK of coming to terms with the things in my life I never properly dealt with - it's been all the difference. I'm 42 years old and I'm finally evolving through my emotional stuntedness. I am nearly a year sober and things are getting a lot better. I have a lot of things in my past that were painful, hurtful to others, sad, angry, etc..... I guess when it comes right down to it, we all do.

When I began facing all of that, getting the right support, became willing to do the work and started taking action, and began to allow the possibility that some power greater than myself may be helpful in the process - everything shifted and I am gratefully sober.

I wish you the very same.... keep at it!

strategery

Brynn, you're making absolutely awesome progress. The good thing is that you're here posting and not going to drink. Keep posting if you need to and do what you need to do to keep sober.
While you can look at what has happened due to alcohol, the great thing is that you're moving forward without alcohol and can turn your life around. *hugs*

Thepatman

I second freeOwl about seeing a therapist.

I strongly believe many have set backs or go back to using because the root cause of their addiction is unresolved. By killing the root, the addiction weeds can't grow.

sydneyman

Brynn.. I so feel for you. You can do this, you alreay are.. What keeps me going is that if I would pick uo that poison it would give me a good high for a couple of hours and then what...hangover, regret, dissapointment in myself, anger etc. is it worth it for those few hours.. Hell NO!!! Day by day this journey becomes a tiny bit easier.. Do I miss alcohol, no not really as it will control me before I even realize it.. Stay strong and see all the positives you have already gained in those remarkable days that you havent had a drink..
Merry Christmas x

Lance40

Hi Brynn - 18 days a big accomplishment. Sobriety has this way of slowly revealing all of the things we never dealt with, and that can come with a struggle. Therapy is sometimes difficult, but it can also be very rewarding work. I don't think you should feel surprised that you are struggling because alcohol is a short-term solution that we all know can numb us and let us escape for a little while. But we also know exactly how that all ends up.

Just know that you're not alone in your struggle. I'm almost 10 months drug free now, but just in the last couple of days I had a couple of unexpected flashbacks that have set off an itch. The reality of that one is even worse than the tape because it just got worse every time. Let's just stay sober together today, okay?

SarahB60

Congratulations on 18 days! Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward in reading about your progress. Stay strong, stay sober!

brynn

Thanks for the awesome support and encouragement y'all.

When I went to rehab three years ago ( totally didn't have any desire to be there much less quit drinking), I refused to speak with a counselor. It never really occurred to me that I might actually benefit from therapy.
I never thought my issues were bad enough for counseling and I still struggle with the idea of it.
For those who see a counselor, do you go to someone that deals with chemical dependency?

SarahB60

I see a psychologist 2x a week. She doesn't specialize in addiction, but that's not why I started seeing her. My son passed away and I needed to go through grief counseling. As a side effect of the grief counseling, I'm dealing with some past traumatic events that are PTSD related. Sounds like you're dealing with PTSD too. I would suggest to find someone to get to the root of your trauma. It's not an easy task, and neither is sobriety.

FreeOwl

The therapist I see doesn't specialize in addiction - rather, trauma.

NOTE: trauma doesn't have to be tragically severe to still impact us in the same ways that terrible, tragic, severe trauma does. Never assume your issues "aren't bad enough". That in itself is part of the problem....

OklaBH

Brynn! this made me cry. i feel awful for you. counseling is a great idea. you have had very out of ordinary things happen.

18 is alot. dont fool yourself. 18 days without the thing that numbed all of these horrible things.

please dont give up. if you stay sober it will turn around. thank you for posting. keep posting for help. We will help keep you sober!

Are you going to any counceling? AA? any program at all?

PurpleKnight

Day 18 is fantastic!! Keep it going!!

Tonks

The benefits of counseling cannot be understated. I went to a Marriage and Family Therapist for depression and anxiety and ptsd. The drinking made the dreams stop and I wanted to find a way to cope without killing myself in the process.

The most important thing is just finding a therapist you can click with and it takes a few sessions to figure that out.

You have a kind heart Brynn and your optimism is a brilliant flame in what can often be a dark struggle. You can absolutely do this.

You have all of us standing with you.

SoberLeigh

Thank you, brynn, for this insightful and honest post. I, too, feel that seeking the help of a therapist could be very beneficial to your sobriety efforts. There is significant trauma in your past; I am so sorry. Sometimes we try to repress the traumatic events or deny their impact on our lives which only leaves us more vulnerable when the impact of those events rise from below the surface.

Congratulations on 18 days, brynn. I wholeheartedly agree with the others; you are doing beautifully.

Inchworm

Brynn, I've been following your post for a couple of days. You are growing already in leaps and bounds. Stay strong and be proud.

brynn

This gives me hope, y'all. I've felt so alone with all this for so long.
Toward the end of my drinking days I used to pray that I wouldn't wake up. I don't feel that way anymore and I'm so thankful. I know that if y'all can do this then so can I.

Impurrfect

Brynn - I will admit, I still need to read all the posts before me.

I will tell you this - I lost my career as an RN to drugs. I spent many a time grieving over that loss.

I'm almost 8 years into recovery, got a new degree and certification, still in healthcare, and I couldn't be happier! Yes, some days are tough, but for the most part, I am thrilled.

I spent years putting my "I was a NURSE, and I let that go" before me. Life goes one, we put our recovery first and we work with it.

You are no less of a person because of the loss of your career. I had to learn this, slowly.

The people who said "nope, not going to bail you out (in a matter of ways)" did me a favor.

Keep posting, keep reading, and don't drink. It may take some time, but I promise you - it is worth it in the long run.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

InMyBlood

Brynn, like everyone has said, it was so great to post here instead of picking up a drink. I was 13 days sober not long ago and instead of checking in here, I found myself about 16 beers deep and up to my elbows in shame! You're doing so well, you seem to have your priorities in order and your plan intact. As for therapy, i do agree that, if you're willing to commit and be honest, it's typically a good idea. The trick is finding someone whose counseling style suits your needs. Please keep checking in, I want to see how much you can grow :-)