Problems convincing friends and family that you have alcoholism?
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Join Date: May 2014
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Problems convincing friends and family that you have alcoholism?
Possibly quite rare but hoping to hear if anyone else has had a similar experience.
My wife acknowledges and accepts that I have a drinking problem, however she does not consider me an alcoholic as I was never physically addicted. I would absolutely not stop once I started and have been blackout, falling around drunk countless times. I am surprised I have not done myself more damage. Any way, she doesnt accept that I am an alcoholic because I didnt drink every day. Just weekends. Mostly. And she also thinks I should drink if I can manage to moderate. I keep telling her I can't! Her parents are both functioning alcoholics. Both drink every day, her dad never sobers up. I think because I was not as bad as them, then I am not the same.
Also some friends, when I "came out" sort of ridiculed me using the word "alcoholic" and just said I can't handle my drink. Usually I would end up much more drunk than them due to sneaky drinks before meeting up, and sneaking in bonus drinks when on the way to the toilet etc. They just think I am rubbish at drinking.
Basically has anyone had a problem convincing their nearest and dearest that they are an alcoholic?
I guess I know and thats the main thing.
Today is 122 day sober, the longest since I was 15 (34 now).
My wife acknowledges and accepts that I have a drinking problem, however she does not consider me an alcoholic as I was never physically addicted. I would absolutely not stop once I started and have been blackout, falling around drunk countless times. I am surprised I have not done myself more damage. Any way, she doesnt accept that I am an alcoholic because I didnt drink every day. Just weekends. Mostly. And she also thinks I should drink if I can manage to moderate. I keep telling her I can't! Her parents are both functioning alcoholics. Both drink every day, her dad never sobers up. I think because I was not as bad as them, then I am not the same.
Also some friends, when I "came out" sort of ridiculed me using the word "alcoholic" and just said I can't handle my drink. Usually I would end up much more drunk than them due to sneaky drinks before meeting up, and sneaking in bonus drinks when on the way to the toilet etc. They just think I am rubbish at drinking.
Basically has anyone had a problem convincing their nearest and dearest that they are an alcoholic?
I guess I know and thats the main thing.
Today is 122 day sober, the longest since I was 15 (34 now).
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Chattanooga TN
Posts: 596
I have never had this problem. What I do or do not drink is my concern, no one else's 
If "friends" are judging you based on whether you drink alcohol or not, you might wanna look up the definition of friend.
You do know, and that IS the main thing. You are lucky to have a wife who understands. Please do not worry what others think about your situation, as you have stated, they don't really know, do they?
If "friends" are judging you based on whether you drink alcohol or not, you might wanna look up the definition of friend.
You do know, and that IS the main thing. You are lucky to have a wife who understands. Please do not worry what others think about your situation, as you have stated, they don't really know, do they?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi DSG, if it makes them feel more comfortable, tell them your drinking became a problem for you. It's perfectly true.
As someone living alone and drinking quietly every night, I managed to keep my problem largely to myself, so yeah, I had that reaction from people too.
The key is to trust your own judgement and don't feel you have to put a label on yourself. You could say you're giving up for your health. Most people relate to that.
Also be aware that people who do drink more that they know they should might not want to admit you're an alcoholic because what does that make them?
As someone living alone and drinking quietly every night, I managed to keep my problem largely to myself, so yeah, I had that reaction from people too.
The key is to trust your own judgement and don't feel you have to put a label on yourself. You could say you're giving up for your health. Most people relate to that.
Also be aware that people who do drink more that they know they should might not want to admit you're an alcoholic because what does that make them?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 30
I'm not really worried, I was just curious if anyone else had had a similar experience.
I live in a very, very boozy part of the world (Scotland) and heavy drinking is so ingrained in the culture. Choosing to step out is not seen as a normal thing to do. At a glance there would not be much difference between myself and many of my peers, so I can forgive my friends for that: they don't see the nights spent drinking alone until 5am, pretending to get water in the middle of the night and slugging spirits from the bottle, keeping vodka in various places "just in case" etc
I live in a very, very boozy part of the world (Scotland) and heavy drinking is so ingrained in the culture. Choosing to step out is not seen as a normal thing to do. At a glance there would not be much difference between myself and many of my peers, so I can forgive my friends for that: they don't see the nights spent drinking alone until 5am, pretending to get water in the middle of the night and slugging spirits from the bottle, keeping vodka in various places "just in case" etc
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
One thing that surprised me was that some of my friends who were saying I didn't have a problem eventually made an effort to either stop or cut down on their drinking, using me as an 'inspiration/example'. I'm the only one who gave up for good, so I'm not sure how effective they were.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Hi DSG, if it makes them feel more comfortable, tell them your drinking became a problem for you. It's perfectly true.
As someone living alone and drinking quietly every night, I managed to keep my problem largely to myself, so yeah, I had that reaction from people too.
The key is to trust your own judgement and don't feel you have to put a label on yourself. You could say you're giving up for your health. Most people relate to that.
Also be aware that people who do drink more that they know they should might not want to admit you're an alcoholic because what does that make them?
As someone living alone and drinking quietly every night, I managed to keep my problem largely to myself, so yeah, I had that reaction from people too.
The key is to trust your own judgement and don't feel you have to put a label on yourself. You could say you're giving up for your health. Most people relate to that.
Also be aware that people who do drink more that they know they should might not want to admit you're an alcoholic because what does that make them?
I had not considered the last part and there may be some truth to it!
I was out with different friends for dinner during the week and we discussed my lack of drinking. I told them that I couldn't stop when I started, ever, so I wasn't starting any more. A few of them said "well thats the same as me", when trying to talk me into drinking again, haha.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
The people who don't live in my house were shocked, but no one tried to convince me it wasn't true. To the contrary, most of them had lots of advice about something that worked for someone else they know, and I should try it. I didn't find it particularly helpful, but they meant well and were trying their best to cope with something they just don't understand.
That's why SR is SO important. People here understand.
Congrats on 122 days.
That's why SR is SO important. People here understand.
Congrats on 122 days.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Not that rare - almost 10 years on and my family still don't accept I'm an alcoholic...'alcoholics' happen in other peoples families.
I worked out pretty early that I didn't need my family to understand or even acknowledge the reality...as long as I did, there's plenty of support around.
I know it may be a little different with a spouse but the bottom line is the same I think - this is our recovery - as long as we know what we need to do and we do it, we're good
D
I worked out pretty early that I didn't need my family to understand or even acknowledge the reality...as long as I did, there's plenty of support around.
I know it may be a little different with a spouse but the bottom line is the same I think - this is our recovery - as long as we know what we need to do and we do it, we're good
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by josharon
Wow, 122 days is great! 
Do you feel better since you've stopped drinking?
Do you feel better since you've stopped drinking?Thanks
I feel so much better. Better dad, better husband, no more shame and paranoia after every weekend and social occasion, or anxiety leading up to it!
Though as my mind clears I am feeling pretty bad about all the ****** things I said and did when I was drinking. So many regrets
Am trying not to dwell on these things but it's hard sometimes. I didn't used to be like this! I think it's because when I was drinking I was always doing something new to regret, so wouldn't dwell on older events. I feel like I should apologise to so many people but they would probably think I was a lunatic.
I will take it though, it's a small price to pay
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
The people who don't live in my house were shocked, but no one tried to convince me it wasn't true. To the contrary, most of them had lots of advice about something that worked for someone else they know, and I should try it. I didn't find it particularly helpful, but they meant well and were trying their best to cope with something they just don't understand.
That's why SR is SO important. People here understand.
Congrats on 122 days.
That's why SR is SO important. People here understand.
Congrats on 122 days.
Yes, I don't post much here but I do lurk. It's really good to know that you are not alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Dee74
The more I lived my new life the less I worried about my old one dutchsyrupguy
D
D
Thanks good to know!
Have you made peace with the past and keep it in mind, or do you just never think about it now?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 462
Had the exact same experience! It was hard for me because it was all my AV needed to hear to take over! I did not drink everyday, nor did I have any huge consequences. I simply say, I am a much happier and better person when I don't drink. Its usually the people who also have Adriana king problem who have the biggest issue with it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I made amends where I could, and made peace with the rest...I try to live the best life I can now...a kind of living amends if you like
Actually I think most people appreciate an amends. The thing is to not rush it...I think the tendency is to want to make amends ASAP as possible, to fix things, to make it all ok...
I found not only were amends more meaningful to me after I'd been in recovery for a while, but they were more meaningful to the people I made amends to, as well
Nothing backs up an amends more than obvious change
D
they would probably think I was a lunatic.
I found not only were amends more meaningful to me after I'd been in recovery for a while, but they were more meaningful to the people I made amends to, as well
Nothing backs up an amends more than obvious change
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Similar situation here. Firstly I have hidden my problem from my parents/brother/sister so they have no idea as I have been living away for the past 20 years and always moderate when drinking at family occasions with them. I come from a hard drinking culture where you are one of the lads when drunk and its all part of the fun for everyone to have outrageous drunken stories. There is a sense the next day of "kicking on" and having a hair of the dog. Everyone knows its drink too much but everyone does it and thats how it is.
The other factor is that as my problem developed I gravitated the heavier drinkers and my social circle has become more alcoholic over time. Therefore its less likely that a friend would intervene to pull me up on my drinking and far, far more likely that they would encourage me to go on the p*ss wi them. There are always friends out drinking every day of the night. On occasions where I would say I want to drop the booze they would say something like "ok, thats cool, what are you having? Maybe just a beer?" So unlikely to find support from that corner.
About a year ago I finally confided in my wife that my drinking was out of control and much worse than she realised. That was had an alcohol abuse problem and that I wanted her support. Her response was "ok darling I will support you in any way I can, whats on tv tonight?". She knows I drink a lot and does not like it when I stagger in at 5am or 8am or lunch time the next day but she seems to not really take the notion that I have a severe alcohol problem seriously. So, while she is an amazingly supportive wife in every other respect when it comes to me kicking my drinking problem to the kerb she is not providing the support that I need. As Dee said earlier, alcoholism is something that happens in other people's families. That kind of summarises the stick your head in the sand approach I have encountered whenever I have reached out for help and maybe thats in large part my fault for hiding my drinking so much.
So it brought me to the point where I knew that I was going to have to go it alone. Take person accountability for beating it in a very personal and private way. And thats what I am doing and today is day 18 and this time next year it will be day 382.
The other factor is that as my problem developed I gravitated the heavier drinkers and my social circle has become more alcoholic over time. Therefore its less likely that a friend would intervene to pull me up on my drinking and far, far more likely that they would encourage me to go on the p*ss wi them. There are always friends out drinking every day of the night. On occasions where I would say I want to drop the booze they would say something like "ok, thats cool, what are you having? Maybe just a beer?" So unlikely to find support from that corner.
About a year ago I finally confided in my wife that my drinking was out of control and much worse than she realised. That was had an alcohol abuse problem and that I wanted her support. Her response was "ok darling I will support you in any way I can, whats on tv tonight?". She knows I drink a lot and does not like it when I stagger in at 5am or 8am or lunch time the next day but she seems to not really take the notion that I have a severe alcohol problem seriously. So, while she is an amazingly supportive wife in every other respect when it comes to me kicking my drinking problem to the kerb she is not providing the support that I need. As Dee said earlier, alcoholism is something that happens in other people's families. That kind of summarises the stick your head in the sand approach I have encountered whenever I have reached out for help and maybe thats in large part my fault for hiding my drinking so much.
So it brought me to the point where I knew that I was going to have to go it alone. Take person accountability for beating it in a very personal and private way. And thats what I am doing and today is day 18 and this time next year it will be day 382.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by ubntubnt
Similar situation here. Firstly I have hidden my problem from my parents/brother/sister so they have no idea as I have been living away for the past 20 years and always moderate when drinking at family occasions with them. I come from a hard drinking culture where you are one of the lads when drunk and its all part of the fun for everyone to have outrageous drunken stories. There is a sense the next day of "kicking on" and having a hair of the dog. Everyone knows its drink too much but everyone does it and thats how it is.
The other factor is that as my problem developed I gravitated the heavier drinkers and my social circle has become more alcoholic over time. Therefore its less likely that a friend would intervene to pull me up on my drinking and far, far more likely that they would encourage me to go on the p*ss wi them. There are always friends out drinking every day of the night. On occasions where I would say I want to drop the booze they would say something like "ok, thats cool, what are you having? Maybe just a beer?" So unlikely to find support from that corner.
About a year ago I finally confided in my wife that my drinking was out of control and much worse than she realised. That was had an alcohol abuse problem and that I wanted her support. Her response was "ok darling I will support you in any way I can, whats on tv tonight?". She knows I drink a lot and does not like it when I stagger in at 5am or 8am or lunch time the next day but she seems to not really take the notion that I have a severe alcohol problem seriously. So, while she is an amazingly supportive wife in every other respect when it comes to me kicking my drinking problem to the kerb she is not providing the support that I need. As Dee said earlier, alcoholism is something that happens in other people's families. That kind of summarises the stick your head in the sand approach I have encountered whenever I have reached out for help and maybe thats in large part my fault for hiding my drinking so much.
So it brought me to the point where I knew that I was going to have to go it alone. Take person accountability for beating it in a very personal and private way. And thats what I am doing and today is day 18 and this time next year it will be day 382.
The other factor is that as my problem developed I gravitated the heavier drinkers and my social circle has become more alcoholic over time. Therefore its less likely that a friend would intervene to pull me up on my drinking and far, far more likely that they would encourage me to go on the p*ss wi them. There are always friends out drinking every day of the night. On occasions where I would say I want to drop the booze they would say something like "ok, thats cool, what are you having? Maybe just a beer?" So unlikely to find support from that corner.
About a year ago I finally confided in my wife that my drinking was out of control and much worse than she realised. That was had an alcohol abuse problem and that I wanted her support. Her response was "ok darling I will support you in any way I can, whats on tv tonight?". She knows I drink a lot and does not like it when I stagger in at 5am or 8am or lunch time the next day but she seems to not really take the notion that I have a severe alcohol problem seriously. So, while she is an amazingly supportive wife in every other respect when it comes to me kicking my drinking problem to the kerb she is not providing the support that I need. As Dee said earlier, alcoholism is something that happens in other people's families. That kind of summarises the stick your head in the sand approach I have encountered whenever I have reached out for help and maybe thats in large part my fault for hiding my drinking so much.
So it brought me to the point where I knew that I was going to have to go it alone. Take person accountability for beating it in a very personal and private way. And thats what I am doing and today is day 18 and this time next year it will be day 382.
use this place for your support!
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i had the exact opposite problem as anyone who knew me knew i was an alcoholic and it was relief for people to see me finally do something about it all.
no more court appearances, police couldnt lock me up anymore, socail workers noticing the huge changes in me, my kids who only ever wanted me to sober were just so grateful to see a sober dad around again
booze had a huge effect on my life and cost me so much, and for anyone who would think well i am not as bad as him
i wasnt that bad at one time either, it got hold of me over time, my only problem at first was i drank to much and got drunk all the time and did silly foolish things but over the years its all got worse
so while things are not that bad try useing the word YET there not that bad yet but carry on drinking and watch and see how things will get worse over time
hence its so important people can understand that really by giving up the drink early on they can change there future to one that can be a good life instead of ending up in a total mess with nothing left
no more court appearances, police couldnt lock me up anymore, socail workers noticing the huge changes in me, my kids who only ever wanted me to sober were just so grateful to see a sober dad around again
booze had a huge effect on my life and cost me so much, and for anyone who would think well i am not as bad as him
i wasnt that bad at one time either, it got hold of me over time, my only problem at first was i drank to much and got drunk all the time and did silly foolish things but over the years its all got worse
so while things are not that bad try useing the word YET there not that bad yet but carry on drinking and watch and see how things will get worse over time
hence its so important people can understand that really by giving up the drink early on they can change there future to one that can be a good life instead of ending up in a total mess with nothing left
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 30
thats exactly my thinking pete.
why wait until there is no family left and liver disease kicks in? i tick too many boxes to pretend that i am not an alcoholic.
also, you can always find someone worse than you, that's no way to assess a problem!
why wait until there is no family left and liver disease kicks in? i tick too many boxes to pretend that i am not an alcoholic.
also, you can always find someone worse than you, that's no way to assess a problem!
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