weezer77

Are there any success stories of families that stayed together, got back together with A? Curious.

Seren

There are success stories, weezer....even here!

I'm sure a few of the men and women who are currently working on their marriages with an alcoholic or addict will be along to speak for themselves.

It seems to me that the key to success is for both people in the marriage to be working on themselves individually and then come together to work as a couple.

LexieCat

I think what you're talking about is more the "best case scenario ending." When you're dealing with something as destructive as alcoholism, I don't think you can define "success" in terms of the family staying together.

My first husband got sober, we got married, had a pretty decent marriage but I eventually was dissatisfied in it (nothing to do with his alcoholism--his recovery was stunning). We divorced but we have remained good friends--to the point where I stay with him and his wife when I go across the country to visit my kids. I thank God for that success story every day.

My second husband went back to drinking, sadly, but I still consider it a success story because I recognized there was nothing I could do to help him and I saved myself years of misery by leaving when I did. I'm grateful for that success, too, though I'm sorry he is still in the grip of his disease.

Hawkeye13

I suppose I am a success story.
I managed to stop drinking for good and do the work and have really improved my marriage.

I am a well-adjusted sober adult for the most part after a lifetime of drinking
and growing up in an alcoholic household. (The growing up with alcoholism in my home was extremely damaging, and it has taken years of work to mostly repair it).

However, my spouse began to drink when I was and now I'm dealing with his issues,
yet overall, my marriage is intact and I've grown considerably through therapy and self-reflection. I'm still a work in progress, however. . .

honeypig

I love this thread about "success stories", and I hope you do too.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

ladyscribbler

I am a success story if you can let go of the narrow definition of success= the A got sober and we all lived happily ever after.
But I know that's not what you're looking for. I looked for that too, once upon a time.
Now I define success in terms of doing what I want with my life, pursuing my own dreams and goals, a home free from the chaos of active alcoholism, giving my sons a better example of adult life than the one I grew up with and setting a daily example of recovery through my work in Alanon.
We do not live according to the whims, moods and behavior of others. We set boundaries. We do not accept unacceptable behavior. Our home is peaceful and filled with love and laughter. I am a success story because I am breaking the cycle every day.

ladyscribbler

Do yourself a favor and click on HP's link above. Pay particular attention to the posts from Florence and NWGRITS. I grew up in a alcoholic household and that has carried over to my adult life. Just leaving is not enough. My mom left, but never got any help for herself or for us kids. We still feel the effects of that to this day.
Alanon.

desypete

for me in my area there are plenty of success storys were partners have stuck together, my own sponsor and his wife have been together for almost 50 years and there are plenty more of that type of stuff around in al anon were partners are still living good lives with there partners sadly you dont get to hear about this in here and its a shame as its always shown one way by certain posters and its a bit unfair really as there is a good life to be had living with alcoholics in recovery

LexieCat

True for SOME PEOPLE. By no means a guarantee.

Hammer

Since you defined what you are looking for . . .

"stories of families that stayed together, got back together with A?"

Yes, many. Not so much here on SR, you follow? That is because that is not so much where you find that . . . because this tends be maybe more like the Emergency Room.

BUT, if you are looking for The Where, The How, and The Why of what you are asking . . . I went seeking / asking that, too. Where I found it was among "Long Tymers" (they generally prefer not to be called Olde Tymers ) in Alanon / AA.

Some with 20, 30 years or more. My Sponsor before I started my Steps Program -- I think he and his wife had 34 years together in Alanon (him) and AA (her). She died a little over a year ago, but he stays on with Alanon to help new folks in the door. They were married nearly 50 years.

There were other AA / Alanon couples in that group with similar times and stories.

So. Go seek some "Long Tymer" meetings and you will find that. I asked them How it was so.

Over and Over and Over I would hear -- "I work MY Program, He/She works His/Her Program."

Applying that to you and me -- Best WE can do is Work OUR Program.

Whether the A does the same -- is between the A and God.

desypete

true for many people but not all as there is no guarantee that comes with it. same as there is no guarantee anyone will not drink again

airwick

My marriage couldn't handle it, but I handled it....and with my son we made a home. I consider that a Success Story

ladyscribbler

That's why I encourage Alanon. There are many more of those types of success stories where the couple stayed together and both worked recovery.
I work the Alanon program. My ex is still drinking and has married his aunt/new enabler. I leave it to people to decide for themselves which of those constitutes a success story.
Isn't your ex wife still drinking? You did a complete 180, fought alcoholism, got your kids back from foster care. That is a success story, despite your wife making different choices.
Just because we have, at a certain time in life, chosen a certain partner, doesn't mean that we are irrevocably tied to that person. Paths diverge. One partner may choose health and recovery, another may choose addiction. An alcoholic may choose sobriety while their partner chooses codependency.
When we tie our choices to someone else's recovery or lack thereof, we put ourselves in danger of allowing their bad choices to determine our future.

Rosiepetal

I left my ABF because I didn't want to be with an active alcoholic.
We had several months apart & went our own ways & then he decided to get sober.
Pleased to report that he is almost 2 years sober now, we have built on our relationship again while working our owns recoveries & we share a loving relationship.
Not sure that is a success story as there is always the risk of relapse but for now it is enjoyable.

gleefan

That's really powerful.

Thumper

I attended a rather small al-anon group and one person was with their spouse (who was very active in AA), one was recently widowed but the last years were spent with spouse in recovery, one was widowed spouse died active, and one chose to stay with an active spouse. The other was a double winner and her qualifier was her daughter, other was s patent and a person that came not very often was the adult child of an alcoholic.

You may find what you are looking for in alanon. It is all there

desypete

i to encourage al anon to any family members who live with an alcoholic

normally alcoholics don't like the idea of there partners going to al anon as they actually are fearful of it
they think it will mean there partners will end up leaving them but thats not what al anon is all about while its true many do leave but also many stick together and there is no pressure put on people to leave there partners

they just work to help them get what they want out of it and most just want there partner back again to how they was before all the drinking took hold of them and destroyed it all

its not just partners by the way its mums and dads whos kids have ended up hell with there drink
now its one thing partners splitting up but its a totally different ball game when its a child who is suffering

i seen one women really cut up as her son was coming home from prison and she didn't want him to come home as she was scared of how he would be and all the stealing and lies etc there is still no happy ending for that poor women as she loves her son with all her heart he refuses to come to aa for any sort of help and she can not be hard on him

thankfully there are others there who will have experience of dealing with such things and there is no substitute for there help in my eyes.

but the point is there are real success storys in al anon were couples make it together, or kids come back to the parents etc you only have to listen to there storys in meetings to understand just how much these people have gone through

i personally take my hat off to all those al anon members who have had to go through it all it shows us alcoholics just what we can have put our loved ones through and its not a pretty picture at all

ladyscribbler

Thanks Pete. You are a great example of what can happen when someone truly takes responsibility for their life and chooses to work hard at a recovery program. You completely turned your life around, a rare and admirable feat. Your posts are insightful and your life experience runs the gamut from humorous to heartbreaking. I really appreciate you and the many other RAs who take the time to post their experiences here. That perspective from the "other side" is very valuable and helpful to we here who often wonder what "they" are thinking or feeling.
Sadly many of us here (the statistical majority) do not get to see that transformation in our loved ones. That's why waiting around and hoping for the alcoholic or addict to see the light is not a good strategy, especially when children are involved.
Some, like you, do the hard work and turn your lives around. Sadly many others choose to let addiction win.

Stung

I consider myself to be on the road to success. I'm still with my husband. Things are a million (I exaggerate not) times better than they were at this time last year and he spent most of last year sober.

However, I don't think there is such a thing as success against a health issue like this because it's a life long disease. If an alcoholic doesn't drink today then yes, they were successful for today (regardless of how many years of sobriety a person may have it is a DAILY battle. People go 20+ years without drinking and then relapse - look at Robin Williams for example). If a diabetic takes their insulin for today, then yes they were successful for today. If a cancer patient's cancer goes into remission, then yes the treatment was successful SO FAR.

Alcoholism doesn't go away. EVER.

If when I die (when I'm 112 years old) and if none of my descendants become alcoholics because I was able to stop this cycle right now with myself, then you can call me a success story. Until then…I'll keep trying to better myself because it's the single, solitary thing that I can do to improve my situation.

LexieCat

Right, we agree, then. I was just disagreeing with the statement that "there is a good life to be had living with alcoholics in recovery" as if that is the way things usually work out. It does happen--and fairly often--but in my experience/observation it is more the exception than the rule. I know of relatively few marriages that survive the ugliness that constitutes the alcoholic's "bottom" and the trials of early recovery.