torquemax777

So my AH has only been drinking once every couple of weeks (but still way too much at a time.) Anyway, with no AA or Alanon within a 80 mile radius we have both just dove into our bible and Joyce Meyer books.

With the exception of some insomnia, he really hasn't been acting like a white knuckle dry drunk.

This morning he was oddly quiet and didn't really say goodbye as he left for work. I chalked it up to just not sleeping much last night and ready for the four day weekend.

When his boss dropped him off for lunch, instead of coming inside and eating the lunch I prepared, he went and sat in the passenger seat of our truck. I thought, "oh well, sometimes he just needs alone quiet time." (He's naturally melancholy in character) but when he came in he was silent and aloof. You know, that akward feeling when someone is on obviously highly irritated as if you are the cause, though you know you didn't do anything wrong?

Instead of just disengaging, I just quietly said, "did something happen at work? You seem unusually quiet?"

Boy, that opened a can of worms, and he let loose with stuff like, " what's wrong with being quiet!?! Not everyone is like you and my boss that needs constant noise all the time! Instead of weeding my garden, why don't you all go weed your own?!? " I just said, " when people care about you and are concerned, it's a little unsettling when out of the blue you start acting like your best friend was just killed or someone really did something to insult you."

He then just went outside and waited for his boss to come pick him back up and left without a word.

Now I don't know what to do when he comes home tonight. I've mentioned in previous threads that we live in a 27 foot travel trailer in a town with about 4 businesses- no friends here, no where to go. Our only vehicle is in the process of getting a new radiator so I can't go for a drive. The wind is blowing and gusting, so going for a 3 or 4 hour walk really isn't an option..... Don't know what to do!

Is this just a consequence of trying to stay sober or a character defect? How would you act around someone like that? It's very uncomfortable being around someone who not only is choosing silence, but it's also obviously highly irritated about what is aparantly "none of my business."

Any recommendations? Life hasn't been peachy for me either as my job was ended suddenly as it was apparently seasonal ( though I was given 0 notice) and I haven't been able to find another job in this insanely small and small minded town. So I literally sit in this 27 ft camper all day every day. But do I get to vent about that?!?! HELL no! Cuz if I do, he will at first seem supportive, then a day or two later he will use my sadness and his lack of being able to fix it ( and believe me, I've tried to tell him over and over he doesn't have to "fix" everything-just listen.) Anyway, I can't ever have a bad day because if I do, he will use it as an excuse to drink.

Any suggestions? I was pretty down in the dumps BEFORE he came home acting like a sulking teenager, now I don't know what to do when he gets home. I'm thinking of just taking a couple over the counter sleeping pills before he gets home so I can just be asleep and not have to be around it.

Sigh! Things were coming along just fine, I don't get it???

AW1111

In my experience when my RAH was white knuckling it- he was VERY irritable, isolated himself constantly, and was very blameful. Almost the attitude of "I feel miserable because I am not drinking, and now you are in my case about why I am irritable and don't feel like talking?".

In your opinion what is white knuckling it? If he isn't working a program or getting any type of counseling, all he is trying to do is abstain from drinking- usually is very unsuccessful for alcoholics to do and feel content with their lives. (Usually referred to ask a dry drunk or white knuckling it).

I am sorry you feel like you can't even vent to him about your own frustrations in life without being used as blame for his drinking. I played into the walking on eggshells game -what to say, what not to say out of fear of him going of and drinking. It is a very frustrating, emotionally draining, lonely process.

Have you looked into Alanon online? I haven't read any of your previous posts, but they have a ton of resources online for people who don't have a meeting near them. (The same goes for AA). What about counseling for yourself? Is that an option in your town?

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Please keep reading and posting...it is the only thing that gave me relief during those lonely dark times.

**hugs**

LexieCat

An active alcoholic who is trying not to drink is going to be one miserable puppy, that's for sure. Things are NOT "coming along fine"--he wants to drink, and drinking every couple of weeks is enough to drive an alcoholic crazy.

Until he decides he really WANTS to quit drinking, and finds a solution to stay sober, he will continue to be this way.

Hangnbyathread

Believe it or not, just being able to go anywhere to say this stuff helps. Pastors at churches are often a source of comfort when there is nowhere else to go.

Keeping you isolated plays into his agenda. It wears you down. You will practically ask him to start drinking again just to find some form of peace again.

This is tough. My dad was like this and he was never a drinker. My mom would cal and say Dad hasn't spoken to me in a week. I don't know what I've done wrong. Dad.....Is everything alright? Yes why? Well mom says you haven't talked to her in a week. Oh...well I guess I don't have anything to say. He would apologize to her and talk about nothing if necessary. I don't know if its learned behavior or genetic personality traits or what. I don't have any correlation to share with you about how or if it has anything do with drinking or recovery.

I'm sure plenty here will step up and offer better help.

Thank you for coming. Please don't feel bad about coming to just vent if needed.

Kboys

"Anyway, I can't ever have a bad day because if I do, he will use it as an excuse to drink."
Well I'm new here, and probably not the best person to give any advice, but I have definitely been there, and it is an impossible place to be. So hard to feel like you always have to be the one to have the positive attitude, always the one to make things better. YOU need a shoulder to cry on once in a while too, and a supportive understanding partner who won't use it against you! Isn't that the point of being in a committed relationship?

I finally realized a while ago that it didn't matter though. Even if I was all smiles and sunshine, and everything was great, he would still find a reason to drink if he wanted to.

What can you do that would bring you some pleasure and serenity? Call a friend, Listen to music, find a book, or watch a favorite movie? Cleaning the house really well tends to be therapeutic for me?

Take care of you!!!

ladyscribbler

Wow, yeah. I remember that feeling of not being allowed to have a bad mood or be unhappy because he would take that on to the nth degree. If I was sad, he was depressed, if I was depressed he was suicidal, if I was angry he was enraged.
Somehow it never worked that way when I was in a good mood, he only picked up the negative stuff.
As for the "reason" to drink, that's never much of a stretch. If nothing bad was going on with him or me, he would drink on other people's behalf. He used to drink because it was a full moon or Friday the 13th or the cat's birthday. Once he got drunk because he was "so upset" about his brother getting a DUI.
How's your daughter doing TM? Hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving.
AW had a great suggestion about the online Alanon meetings, you could look into those. You could also try getting a phone list- our district has volunteers who take phone calls and there is always someone available because they take shifts at different times of day.

torquemax777

I just want to give y'all (no, don't have a southern accent, just think y'all sounds super friendly) anyway, a GIGNTIC thank you!!!!

I love all of your suggestions, but especially the "been the done that" contributions.

I wanted to reply in regards to the dry drunk stuff. He is TOTALLY doing it. What is confusing to me is that's usually something that happens a few days after he quits and progressively gets worse until he just gives up and drinks. This time however, he hasn't drank in a couple weeks and the whole two weeks we've been like a couple love birds; reading together, going hiking in the woods, staying up late talking. It's just confusing to me that some where between midnight and 8am he got a bee in his bonet. Why would it come on that quick for seemingly no reason? Usually theres some trigger; even if it's ridiculous and an obvious excuse/ rationalization/justification QUACK. This is just so mysterious and strange after having been sober for two weeks without the usual pouting whatever.

I'll check out the Alanon online. But I have limited data. So if it involves watching videos, I won't be able to.

Thanks again everyone, you're all so great!

torquemax777

Oh and ladyscribbler, my three daughters will be with their dad this year as they have been every year since the restraining order.

Not sure even what we will be doing. Think this it's my first year ever that I won't get the meal... :-(

LexieCat

I can't say for sure, of course, but it almost sounds to me as if he IS drinking right now, but hiding it. At the end of my drinking I would wake up in the middle of the night with horrible withdrawals. I was living alone, but I sure would have been a b*tch to be around. That would also explain the seeming pleasantness during the day. He'd have enough in his system to feel comfortable and "normal" but then when the BAC goes down overnight he gets nasty.

Just a guess, and I could be wrong, but it seems to fit.

shil2587

Agreed. Sounds like he's drinking again, to me. Either that or withdrawals are over. Was he going through withdrawal?

guava

I wanted to suggest the Alanon phone meetings as an alternative. (Would use minutes rather than data.) Just like in person meetings - some are better than others. On weekends they start at 6am and occur almost every 2 hours throughout the day. Even on weekdays there are still 5-6 meetings throughout the day. I find them helpful especially since I have a 7 year old that I'm responsible for without a lot of childcare choices at the moment - allows for great flexibility.

torquemax777

No, he hasn't been drinking. He rides to work with a Mormon boss, and would have to walk 3-5 miles to get to the only place that sales 3.2 beer. Plus, I know just by his voice, mannerisms, and smell if he's even had a couple. Plus he gets super nice (at first) when he's had only a few. Oh, and I am in posession of all our money.

Actually, when he came home he opened up and basically said he was fighting all the thoughts and emotions that cause him to drink and also fighting the urge to drink. But since I took those sleeping pills before he got home, he sneaked away and big some while I was asleep. So I woke up to him ranting and rambling and quacking away in his normal drill Sargent manner for two hours until he passed out.


So here it is Thanksgiving and it's my first one ever with no meal and no family.

Tell me how I can leave with no money, no place to go, two dogs; one of which is an 80 pound pit bull cross ( who just looks pit bull)?????

Don't have family or friends that I can stay with. Would have to leave this town/state as there's no work or reason to stay if I'm not with him....

How do I get out of this mess?

WMJ1012

Torquemax

The AA Big Book says the alcoholic is irritable, restless and discontented until he can again feel the sense of peace and ease that comes with taking a drink.

That is their "default" mode: irritable, restless and discontented.

Some A's can hold off for a day; others for several months, but at some point they need the relief that comes with drinking. If they're trying not to drink with will power alone, they will seek out other forms of relief, like arguing or dumping on others to get rid of their building irritability. A good bout of road rage or a fight with someone is a release of pent-up angst.sometimes it's manipulating someone's self-esteem out of them by various methods. This is all done to inflate back up an ego and pride that is in pain from deflating due to a right action (not drinking.) Only God/a spiritual experience can keep them ok with a deflated, non-drinking ego.

**Everyone does this to some extent to ward off pain

Why did he suddenly wake up one morning more irritable than usual? It could be anything from a bad dream to a bad memory to fear of the future or even fear of facing that one day. Ego and it's offshoots/symptoms are usually more deflated in the morning, hence people getting right on their knees for humility (we should be doing the same.)

Alcoholics unconsciously isolate themselves so they have an excuse to drink. At the same time they want to stop. So they are working against themselves. We do the same thing so we have an excuse to not be in God's will for us either. It is very exhausting and miserable. Again, ego does it all - for both parties.

You do have choices here. It is up to you how you want to handle it.

For today you could spend some time with God in thanks for what you do have, and start thinking about what turning your life over to Him might look like. I would think Alanon meetings would be a priority, even if you have to do phone meetings or take the bus for miles. Many before us have gone to any lengths to recover.

God bless you.

torquemax777

You're right about all you said WM, thank you... I wish the good Lord would just take me home. I don't want to be in this world anymore.

WMJ1012

None of us is hopeless. We just have some work to do. It is uncomfortable and goes against everything we've ever known, but eventually our growth helps others who think they're hopeless too.

God does have a plan.

dandylion

torquemax777.....You ask how you can "get out of this mess".

Since you are asking, I will give you my best straightest shot...LOl!

First of all...call the National Domestic Violence Hotline...(Isolation and verbal and emotional ebuse qualifies you). They will be very kind to you. Describe your situation fully.
Fully...don't be tempted to minimize. Tell them you want to leave and have no help whatsoever. Ask them to help you make plans to go to a safe house. At a safe house or woman's shelter....you will have access to the resources you will need to get on your feet and build an independent life. They have resources at their fingetips that you as an individual would find hard to put together.

Torquemax...you will have to be willing to do whatever is necessary. You will have to have "I can do this" attitude. You have to be willing to leave the state. You have to be willing to "just pack and go".

LexieCat is also a good person to help you with this--she is very knowledgable about this field.

You can also ask me for more help. I have ideas--as does Lexie (I am sure).
I think the DV route is the best first step, however.

You CAN do this---millions of others in your situation (and, even worse) have done it. There ARE options...and you are not alone.

Please continue to post and let me know...step by step..how it is going.

dandylion

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE
1-800-799-safe

Redheadsusie

Sending you love and hugs from Virginia - take one hour at a time. You will get through this- just breathe deep and know there are many of us dealing with the fallout of alcohol. Try to think of your blessings today - I know you have troubles but you also have goodness in your life! Much peace to you!

dandylion

torquemax...I just read your last post. You are in this world for a reason! You are valuable.....just as every one of God's creatures is valuable.
I know you have respect for life and that you care for others. You are as much a miracle as anyone else on this earth. God makes these kinds of decisions. I know you believe in God. I can tell by your writings...LOL!

Right this minute...you are suffering from isolation and lonliness and aren't aware of the help that is available. (That is why we are here for you). I am so glad that you have been able to share how you are feeling honestly with us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE can get you out of UTAH and to a place where you can begin living as you are meant to live.

I will post the DV main number and...please promise me that you will make that first phone call...and let me know exactly how it went....

I will be thinking of you..as I am sure that all the other posters will, also.

We care about you....we hear you...and you matter!

dandylion


DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE
1-800-799-SAFE

torquemax777

Will they let me have my dogs at a safe house? I won't leave without them.

dandylion

torguemax777.....Be sure to bring this up with the DV person that you talk to. Where I live...in Virginia...I know of situations where they locate a place that will temporarily house the animals (foster care or shelter (no kill, of course) As well as various rescue leagues that give help. until you can get your own place for the animals. Talk to them about it...and, let me know what they say...

I am the same as you about my animals....I one time had to make these same kind of arrangements for my animals....for one month.....It all worked out for me.

dandylion

***In some places they may have the ability to keep the dogs with you at the safe house....I honestly don't know