torquemax777

I looked up the domestic violence web site. Thing is, he only fits a couple of the criteria for abuse. He is not jealous-he encourages me to find friends and even go out and have girls night out. He doesn't prevent me from working- he says I don't have to but that it might do me some good to get out of the house. He didn't isolate me- my job in CO cut my hours in half and none of the dozen interviews would hire him cuz of his background so he came here cuz at least one of us needed a full time job; he hates it here too and wants to leave asap. He doesn't control the finances, I do....

I'm not protecting him, his behavior is unacceptable, but I don't see him meeting the criteria of being an immediate threat. In fact, he is always trying to get me to leave him; says I deserve better. But I still don't know how to go. I don't really want to involve other people and I have been looking at houses to rent and jobs back in CO. I have yet to find any rentals that allow dogs and the ones that do only asked small dogs and certainly not pit bulls.

I just want a job or a loan to do this on my own without any authorities involved. He hasn't done anything recently that deserves getting the authorities involved.

I'm just tired of it all and want out, but I don't want him to get in trouble, and I don't want to get wrapped up in the "system" either.

I know everyone's trying to be helpful and I appreciate that. I know that seem contrary. But it's like people who fight to stay off welfare. Plus, nothing is "free" there's got to be some consequence of going the safe house route; like playing by they're rules or being accountable to them.... I don't know, free is never free. And won't calling them get him in trouble somehow? Just because I want out doesn't mean I need to get him in trouble with the law.
I just don't know what to say our think anymore.

WMJ1012

We do not decide for others what they should do.
We especially do not push them to make hasty decisions.
We can blow people's lives up like that.

Going to meetings and working with a sponsor shows each Alanon member what their decisions should be.

We each have our own story and solutions.

LexieCat

Hi, torque,

Here are a couple of resources that might help with the doggie situation: RedRover, and Safe Place for Pets. Access to these services is probably best achieved by calling your DV hotline or nearest women's shelter.

dandylion

torquemax.....the DV centers are not government agencies. Everything is confidential. You don't even have to give your name if you don't want to..and you certainly don't have to give his. The help that they offer is by referring to various services IF you want to or need to use those services. Housing, transportation, social services, legal help, etc. At DV centers, they offer counseling, support groups, educational services, etc. But--it is not the government "system".

I understand where you are coming from...because there is a lot of misconception about what this kind of help is like.

There is no pressure, whatsoever, for you to do anything you don't want to do. They will just talk to you. They can give you ideas of where help and resources are, also.
There is NO pressure. You will not get him in trouble, in any way.

I will say that I believe that verbal abuse, alone qualifies you for help. Verbal abuse can damage you as much as physical abuse. I know the term is "Domestic Violence"---but there doesn't have to be any physical abuse. The isolation doesn't have to come directly from him either....it can be just by your extremely restrictive geographical circumstances.

There is help and there are options....one just has to turn over enough rocks...LOL!

dandylion

HealingWillCome

Sending you lots of blessings and prayers today, torquemax. I'm sorry that you have to spend Thanksgiving alone, but know that you are not alone in spirit!

I'm not one for advice when it comes to DV, but DV or not, you are lonely and isolated. Are you fearful of saying to him, "It's time for me to head to Colorado to find work. I need a job, and I need human interaction." Being honest about your needs and taking care of yourself doesn't have to involve getting him in trouble does it? I guess I'm just wondering if you're afraid of him in that regard.

LexieCat

I just read your previous post. I can't say whether your situation would qualify for DV/shelter services or not, but it doesn't hurt to find out. Doing that does not get him in any trouble whatsoever. I suspect his actions and the fact that you don't feel he poses any kind of a threat means you would not be eligible for a protective order, but the criteria for receiving other kinds of services is different. You don't have to file a police report or apply for a protective order to get services, counseling, etc.

So I don't see that there is a downside to calling and talking with someone just to find out. Even if you don't qualify for DV/shelter services, they might be able to offer you some suggestions that would help.

itsme4real

I struggle everyday to remind myself that i am worthy of love.Born to addicted parents and following the co-dependents creed,I married one.Spent way too many years stroking the addicts ego.Hope you too will find the self love and worth to pull yourself out.I still struggle.My 23 yr marriage gone,but left me with 2 sons,21+19, who now want to follow their father footsteps.My regret , not leaving sooner.With their father no longer in the picture (havent seen him in 3 yrs) we are SLOWLY getting our life back .Its a process.It takes time, but the serenity is worth it.

itsme4real

[QUOTE=itsme4real;5043386]I struggle everyday to remind myself that i am worthy of love.Born to addicted parents and following the co-dependents creed,I married one.Spent way too many years stroking the addicts ego.Hope you too will find the self love and worth to pull yourself out.I still struggle.My 23 yr marriage gone,but left me with 2 sons,21+19, who now want to follow their father footsteps.My regret , not leaving sooner.With their father no longer in the picture (havent seen him in 3 yrs) we are SLOWLY getting our life back .Its a process.It takes time, but the serenity is worth it.

torquemax777

Thank you for clarifying that domestic violence can be anonymous. I guess I need to give them a call. I too wish I would have left back when I had a full time job. It's strange how when everything's going smooth and they aren't drinking, a lot of us believe it will last forever. Not a good excuse, but divorce/separation is difficult for me biblically speaking. And probably pride too; as in by golly, I already had one husband leave me I don't want another failed marriage, and we've been thru so much together 4 pregnancy losses, a bunch of other crap, it's hard to call it quits even when it's obviously necessary.

What I wouldn't give to have a nice turkey dinner. I feel like I'm in jail. This stupid little town doesn't even have a community dinner. I HATE IT HERE SO MUCH!!!

dandylion

Oh, torquemax....I can really relate to how you must feel, today. It must feel very desolate there. I think holidays, like today really make it feel even worse than usual.

You know, just because a marriage fails...doesn't mean that you failed. Don't forget that. It takes two people to make it work. Trotting in double harness doesn't work when only one horse is pulling their load.

Yes, do talk to them....they exist just to help people who are in difficult circumstances.

Your whole "world" could be different by next Thanksgiving.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make it happen.

dandylion

LexieCat

I think the biggest obstacles to making necessary changes are those in our own head. Not that you don't have some real challenges, but nothing that CANNOT be overcome.

Pride was a tough one for me, too, but the thing is, I've always found that reaching out and asking for help is one of the best ways to overcome that. I've had many experience where asking for help, and putting in a little bit of effort, as resulted in outcomes that left me slapping my forehead and saying, "Why didn't I do this sooner?!" We get paralyzed because we can't see exactly how our actions will pan out.

For me, I've left relationships where staying would have been like throwing good money after bad. The situation showed no signs of improving, and the longer I stayed the weaker I would have become. I would have been in a worse position the longer I endured.

The only reason I'm encouraging you to take steps toward leaving is that you seem to want OUT, and that is legitimate. You can work on empowering yourself. You can research and put together a plan. The plan doesn't have to be perfect, and there may be some downsides to some of the options. The point is, you need to figure out which things are the MOST important to you, and be willing to trade-off some things you would like to have that are less important to you.

Apparently keeping the dogs is one of your number one priorities. So maybe that would require a temporary separation from them while someone else fosters them until you get situated. Maybe not ideal, but you may not be able to HAVE ideal. Maybe a temporary setup like that would enable you to go where you would like to go, live at a cheap motel for a couple of weeks until you find a job you could do for right now, find a place to live where you could keep them, and look for a better job. Meantime, you could be living where you have access to Al-Anon, where you can find a church community that would be welcoming and supportive, and you would be in a better position to improve your life all the way around.

Just brainstorming here. The point is that many things are possible, but we have to take small actions that will get us where we want to be.

torquemax777

Thank you everybody! I really really mean that. I hope you know how much you all are appreciated. I've read something several times that seems to hit the nail on the head: "A's get to have alcohol to cope, numb, and forget all their problems; what do the people in their lives get??? Nothing!"

I could never do it, but sometimes when I'm particularly frustrated and cynical, I tell him " I think I'm just going to turn into an alcoholic; seems to work for you! I might as well. If you can't beat em, join em!" Course I never want to do that. I just want an escape. No wonder depressed people want to sleep all the time. But even the over the counter sleeping pills didn't really help me sleep last night.

He's puking today. I had to restrain laughter and joy. I hope he pukes or has diarrhea every time he drinks from now on!

I wish it was January. Holidays suck!!!

LexieCat

I hate to say it, but puking and diarrhea are nothing compared with the pain of not drinking, for an alcoholic. It really doesn't act as a deterrent. Getting arrested doesn't either, nor does losing a job, wrecking a car, or any of those things.

Sometimes the stars align and there really is a moment of clarity that brings about a desire to recover and the willingness to do whatever it takes to do that. It isn't clear to me, after many, many years of being around sober alcoholics, that anyone can predict when or how that might happen. For me, the triggering event (my "bottom") was having such bad withdrawals on a work day that someone had to drive me home. That was the culmination of a steadily increasing amount of discomfort I was having around drinking, and enough to get me off my butt and into recovery. I've been sober six years. For many people that would have been brushed aside as no big deal. I'm not sure why it happened the way it did, for me. I'm grateful, of course, that I didn't have to suffer longer than I did, or have worse consequences before I got to that point.

Rather than finding joy in your husband's suffering when he drinks, you would be much better off channeling your energy into improving your own circumstances. I totally GET how angry you feel about his drinking. That anger, though, doesn't do anything to help YOU.

Try to stay focused on how to make YOUR life better. The more you keep the focus on him, and what he's doing, the less you have for yourself.