Wastinglife

10 months sober now but starting to put 2 and 2 together about things from years ago. I was in denial for a long time but it seems everyone else but me could see I had a problem.

For example, I am replaying events in my head like weddings and parties. During the height of my alcoholism, I was at that stage where all your friends and peers start to get married at the same time. 3 or 4 weddings every summer plus all the associated gatherings.

By the end of this approximately 3 year stretch, I noticed I was sitting more and more towards the back of the hall, away from the others I knew. Less people were interested in talking to me.

I was drunk and bloated but didn't 'get it'. Looking back, I must have come across as a blathering idiot most of time. But no one ever pulled me aside.

Now that I am sober, I am only now caring about those moments. They went right over my head at the time.

It all brings up a swell of self-loathing now in sobriety. I was such an idiot.

least

Key word: was. You are no longer an idiot. Give yourself some credit. We can't undo the past but we don't have to live in it.

Congrats on ten months sober!

LBrain

don't know if you are into the step thing, but doing a step 1 work book is amazing if you do it right, we all should do one of those if we are in doubt

Soberwolf

Your not an idiot friend your facing up to it i was in denial for at least 3 years

looking back im like wtf ? but it happened and its now part of my past it doesnt define who i am today

Rina

You were suffering from a disease. Every time you feel ashamed just remember that.

Anna

I understand how you feel. When I looked back, I was shocked at the level of denial in my mind, just shocked. But, you need to remember that denial is part of the disease of alcoholism. It's not good to spiral into self-loathing because that can end up leading you back to drinking. Look at how much you've learned and how far you've come in these months when you've been in recover.

OklaBH

You're not an idiot. Ten months sober is Amazing!!!

Dee74

Looking back is not pretty - but it's done WL. We can't change a second of that.

I figured I could stew on that... or look forward and make the most of the life and the opportunities I have now.

I really recommend the latter WL

D

tomsteve

In that " I was such an idiot thing:
You weren't an idiot.
You were sick
And now you are working in getting Weller.

So throw out the arse Kikin machine.

Hevyn

Me too Wastinglife. Try to put those thoughts to rest. I spent years on regret and remorse. It almost caused me to pick up again. That person you once were is gone. The best part of you is still alive - healing and growing. Please be kind to yourself.

Nuudawn

Like you said..."they went right over your head at the time". I have been looking back at some of my addictions' behaviour this week. And well, all of it started when I was very young..
I honestly didn't question the behaviour much ..and sadly, mostly didn't see anything wrong with it. I know that sounds weird to not be concerned with black out behaviour..but seriously, I wasn't.

I am reminded of a Maya Angelou quote I think of often..

"When you know better, you do better". As incredulous as it sounds, I really don't think I knew better. I should've..but I didn't. Denial is a tricky freaking beast.

And I dunno..on another front...I am realizing how easily our "shame mechanism" is triggered.

Today I went to a women's recovery meeting at a hospital I had been to only once before. Try as I might..I couldn't remember where it was held in the hospital. Eventually I had to go to hospital information.

When I asked "where the AA meeting was". She looked annoyed and said loudly "can you repeat that?". I asked my questioned again...my ears and cheeks and stomach burning up with what I could only assess as "shame". She gave me the information I was seeking.

Later in discussing the incident with the ladies at the end of the meeting, I realized perhaps it wasn't "shame".

Perhaps I just didn't like having to disclose to some total stranger something as personal as I struggle with addictions. Perhaps I was upset at having to disclose my vulnerability to someone. Why did a stranger need to know my personal business..kind of feeling. Well, she had to cuz I didn't know where I was going..lol.

Anyways...not sure why I told that ..but uncomfortable feelings like embarrassment or shame....ya..NOT FUN.

Wastinglife

I guess the hardest part is that now that I am sober, I have very few people to turn to. Just beginning to see all the 'burned bridges' from the last 10 years. I'm sure most people don't want anything to do with me. They saw the drunk me for so many years that is all they remember me by.

I am about to spend my 4th straight Christmas alone. This will be hopefully be the first sober Christmas alone but it will be so hard knowing that no one wants me around.

Impurrfect

WL - I went through that, too, was really down on myself for quite a while. The people around me were family and very few friends, and I honestly didn't even want to be around anyone at Christmas.

I know what helped me, a lot, was volunteering. I'd read it here, time and time again, but took my own sweet time to actually do it.

It got me out of my head and I met some amazing people. Perhaps you can check out volunteer options for Christmas?

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Hope4Life

I was in denial for about 30 YEARS! Isolating and drinking EVERY day for the last 6. Then after I admitted to myself that I had a problem and stopped drinking, I made a decision that has changed my life.... I walked into an AA meeting.

That was 9 months ago and I am now happy to say that I several very close personal friends that I met there. I attend a meeting every day and I am the secretary of my fellowships weekly Men's meeting. I am working the steps with a great sponsor and getting ready to make amends to those I hurt in the past. It is a tough process but the benefits are well worth it.

Live in the NOW and work to be the best person you can be. The past is gone... all you can do is do the next right thing and prove to yourself and others, by your actions, that you have changed your life for the better.

Good Luck!

Nuudawn

I just moved 2400 km's away from home...so I too will be alone at Christmas. Although I'm staying with my sister I'm pretty sure she will be heading south to be with her son.

I was just looking at the church community online in this new place. I watched the this sweet and incredibly amusing "welcome" video for a local church basically saying if your old, green, queer, addicted, in recovery, young, grumpy or sad...you're welcome. I might go check them out this morning.They didn't look like your "typical" religious folks..which is exactly what I'm after. Eclectic spirituality.

I also know there is a new AA group starting a meeting this afternoon which I may check out.

I know I need to find new community here...so I won't be alone at Christmas...or in life really.

I know church or recovery community isn't everybody's bag...but it sure helps by way of getting you out there and meeting people.

We got just over a month my friend....let's make this a fantastic, meaningful sober Christmas.

tomsteve

No one wanting you around is a lie you are telling yourself. Yes, there's burned Bridges but there are people that want you around, quite a few right here.

So,no crap, 1st Christmas sober I could see my family seemed to be apprehensive wondering when I was gonna start drinking. Didn't happen though.
Second christmas...well, that was a lil different. Found out a couple weeks prior I was going to be going through some very serious chemo not long after Christmas and everyone thought it was gonna be my last Christmas and it Was a rather large family gathering, which led me to start thinkin," holy crap I wasn't the one that caused a dis functional family!!!!! I WANNA GO HOME AND BE ALONE!!!!"

Take this one day at a time. And I strongly encourage you to follow in nuudawns footsteps. There's some very good congregations out there that are family ya just haven't met. Yet.
AA,too!

tomsteve

How. Bout Changing that user name,too???