Weasel1966

Went to the gym today at a normal time of day. I usually go very very early in the morning. It's a 24 hour gym. Saw people going about their workout. I realized as I saw the faces of the living that I have more of a distance to go for re-entry back into "society" than I thought.

It's odd. I didn't see the gradual detachment from people... Routines... Nearly everything. Unless at work I interact with virtually no one. That's part design part happenstance.

I have no family. I tossed my druggy alkie friends. I moved a few states from a relationship.

At work I am the picture of societal health. A man of well adjusted manners, witty banter, just the right touch of personality and empathy that draws people to me. Yet I have little desire to fret over the sense of obligation they all seem to have for family, friends and coworkers that spin their lives.

Has being an alcoholic shut me in and down that much? Can I be that far off center? I suspect not.

I did some really big things this time a year ago. I uprooted and resettled. Everything. And I mean everything.

Guess I have all the opportunities in the world at my feet. I have a clean slate in front of me. No lose ends to hold me back. Pick and choose who or what is in or out and why that is. Not like I never thought if I could do it all over again with what I know now I would do it right. Just that I would do it.

When I see people I just feel far away and very disconnected. I remind myself to give me time. A year sitting seems long enough. Time to get my ass out there and let people know who I am. I just want to be sure I don't burn up on re-entry.

If this post makes little sense to you sorry. Just as down as I feel I also feel like it's time. Stop wallowing. Now that I am living sober, time to start interacting soberly.

Just a wayward share.

K

anattaboy

I'm kind of in the same boat. 5 months sober and it's time to get out of this shell.

Marcher13

Ken although I'm not in the same boat I understand what you are saying. Maybe wade gently into the waters doing something simple like joining a film group, a group that enjoys good food -- something where there is a focus on an interest that you enjoy in sobriety. This would open up some social interaction without a big emotional investment initially.

And another thing ... you are such fun and such a good guide in the weekend thread. Is their a local group of volunteers you might enjoy working with where your sense of fun and purpose could be useful?

Weasel1966

Thanks marcher. I do have a writers group that I want to go to. It's twice a month. Seems easy enough and close. Just I have come as far as opening the door to my apartment to go and I turned around and sat home.

Time for a big ole push in the rear huh?

I was just lamenting my down feelings today. Thanks for the input.

Oh and I do volunteer at the homeless shelter. I do enjoy that.

Ken

Dee74

I'm with Marcher on this one...wade gently...start simple,. go at your own speed...this is your life you're rebuilding - take your time

D

Soberwolf

Agreed

PurpleKnight

Nice post Ken!!

razor15

Thanks for sharing. I can really understand what you're saying, not completely stemming from alcohol use I suspect, part because something is within me.
I know I will need to explore more as well soon, but not right now.

Weasel1966

You got it razor.... It's certainly not all from alcohol. But the solution does not care where the problem came from.

Hope you do the same and get out a bit.

Hevyn

It took me some time too Ken. I was numb and foggy for so much of my life. I had to relearn how to live and care about normal things.

Conquest

I hear you clearly, Ken. A writers' group sounds like a nice opportunity with a good balance of social interaction and personal time. They'll be lucky to have you!
And thanks for sharing. I've been struggling with getting out there, too. However, I'm learning that each time I stretch myself, I ultimately enjoy the challenge. Every small step forward brings us closer, right?

bunnezjp

I think you are doing what you need to do. You sound like an Introvert, comfortable in your own thoughts. That's me, too. Nothing wrong with it

Bunnez

sickofthiscrap

I can very much relate to your post. I feel very disconnected from people. What I am struggling with is that the connections I used to forge with people under the influence were false. Without alcohol I seem to feel no urge to connect. It bothers me that maybe this is just who I really am. I've always been an introvert but it seems a bad judgement on someone that they just aren't very interested in people and don't have the desire to reach out much. I do indeed socialise but it feels forced and makes me very tired.

LBrain

K I think you are more normal than you believe. I wouldn't dwell on it, but how many of those other folks are hiding behind some sort of facade?

You are very aware and critical of yourself. This may be due to a new perspective on life, yourself or just a heightened awareness of your surroundings.

I've observed you to be very self critical over the months. You ain't that bad dude. Being introverted or a bit removed/cautious is something you have to work on once you accept that you are just like everyone else in a way.

JT0626

Thanks for posting such a candid post. I agree with the others, nothing wrong with getting out there & recreating a new life for yourself. :-)

Ruby2

Hey K, I understand what you are saying. Watching everyone in their own little orbit and thinking that they all have their acts and lives together. I'm willing to guess that not all do. And not nearly as much as you do. You are very self aware and self knowledgeable which is something not many people have.

I'm finding it hard to believe that it has actually been an entire year since you uprooted and moved. I joined SR around that time and I remember when you moved. It is so hard to fathom that an entire year has passed so quickly. I think that you have made remarkable inroads in settling into an entire new city and life in that amount of time. I'd still be unpacking boxes. Give yourself more time. It's great that you volunteer. I did that a lot when I was new in a different city. And I would love a writers workshop. Sadly, I have let go of my dreams or aspirations of writing. But, you don't have to and should just walk out the door and go!

Thank you for posting this morning and I hope you feel better.

trachemys

You have as much chance of burning up on re-entry as I have of sprouting wings and flying.

You've already done one of the most difficult things a human can be challenged with. It's all gravy from here. Enjoy.

Weasel1966

Wow.... Just checking in and did not expect this thread to still be alive.

I respect you folks and what you see.

Me? Over critical of .... Me? Lol I grew up under a hostle hand that drilled me for any infraction. Even infractions I didn't do. I am actually much "lighter" than I ever was. But maybe I need to give a little more.

All in all my point is to ignore the emotions that make me uncomfortable. Jump into what sounds fun. Decide later how I feel.

I will never know how it feels until I actually feel it.

And you all made my day today. Thanks for caring so much.

mecanix

Hey K ,
you have a good solid sober routine down pat … Take steps out into the unknown one at a time and see what happens . I'm sure if you are honest and true life will support you .

Take heed and be careful , nothing needs to be done in a new york minute but certainly in talking with you building some sober friendships howsoever that can be achieved sounds like something you'd find rewarding .

Take care , m

SoberCAH

Your observations are quite profound.

I sure didn't want to give up taverns and the group of drunks I cavorted with back when I decided that my continued drinking was going to cost me my career.

But, after being clean and sober a while, it was a true revelation to me that there was a whole world out there of people who didn't need to get drunk everytime the sun went down.

And they seemed to have pretty good lives.

After a while, I joined their ranks.

One of the best gifts of sobriety for me has been able to lead a fairly normal life, just like everyone else.

I have spent a considerable amount of time in church basements going to meetings and trying to learn and do God's will for me, all of which is a pretty small price to pay for what sobriety has meant for me.

It looks to me like you are getting a life, so to speak.

I sure did and I don't want to give it back in exchange for a drink or drug.