Burn up on re-entry
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
What I've been noticing about myself is that even when I am connected to people socially, I don't seem to have the same interwoven (and sort of obsessive) connection that I observe in others. As I make new friends, and even with old ones, while I enjoy their company, I don't seem to have concern over what is happening in their lives on a regular basis, the need to contact them with all the little things that take place in my life.
It is a sense of disconnection, and it transcends sobriety, although I notice it more acutely now in sobriety (just because I notice everything more acutely).
I can't figure out if it is because I am an introvert, or because as I've gotten older and people have come and gone in my life, I am simply more centered in self, or because after considerable recovery work over many years I truly let people work out their own stuff, or because from a spiritual point of view I am healthily disconnected with the tides of the daily.
I don't know if the above is making sense, but I think this is what you were talking about. I can be in an AA meeting with Julie, can enjoy her and like talking to her, can meet her for coffee, then for dinner, but do I want to call Julie to find out if she made up with her boyfriend? Nope. Don't care.
In truth, I enjoy lots of people, but don't deeply care what happens in their lives. I even love some people, and while I do care deeply about what passes between us, don't care what happens for them when I'm not around (unless of course it was something tragic or super-serious).
This sounds selfish, but I don't mean it this way. It is a growing detachment. I don't know if it is uber-healthy psychologically, or reflects a preoccupation with my own experience. I sort of have come to the place in which I realize that everybody just has to work all their own stuff out. That good and bad happens, and that we move through all of it. That everything is just growth. I am continually surprised (at work for example) that people appear so very, very involved with the stories of each others' lives - did the child get accepted into the college? did the grandmother recover from her surgery?
Is everybody sort of faking all this involvement in a social way? (I do. I'm relatively socially engaged and acceptable. I know to ask politely about the health of the grandmother). Sometimes I just worry that I don't really care about the answer (if the surgery went well, great. If it didn't, well, that's grandma's experience, and that's how it is...).
This is a hard thing to talk about, because - for some reason - it embarrasses me. Maybe I have a lifetime concern that I am not "normal." I don't watch television either. I have also moved/relocated many times in my adult life, and "begun anew" with brand new groups of friends/community. Maybe those things have contributed to my lack of interest in the drama of other people's lives...
PS. I've had loved ones tell me that I'm challenging to be intimate with because I don't share all the little details of my daily experience either. I tend to talk about ideas (I actually talk a lot inside friendship/relationship), not my problems or those of my family. People have told me this makes me seem "unhelpable" - but I don't want help, really, as I believe we experience things to grow, and so whatever happens is just what is happening. I feel funny talking about private problems with acquaintances at work, program friends, etc. I'd rather talk about sobriety, or my new puppy, or make plans to do an activity or a work project.
PPS. When I just wrote that sentence (above) I realized that this is typically how men are perceived to communicate. Maybe I feel weird about it because I'm female, and we're supposed to be obsessive about the details and gossip and traumas of the extended family system...
It is a sense of disconnection, and it transcends sobriety, although I notice it more acutely now in sobriety (just because I notice everything more acutely).
I can't figure out if it is because I am an introvert, or because as I've gotten older and people have come and gone in my life, I am simply more centered in self, or because after considerable recovery work over many years I truly let people work out their own stuff, or because from a spiritual point of view I am healthily disconnected with the tides of the daily.
I don't know if the above is making sense, but I think this is what you were talking about. I can be in an AA meeting with Julie, can enjoy her and like talking to her, can meet her for coffee, then for dinner, but do I want to call Julie to find out if she made up with her boyfriend? Nope. Don't care.
In truth, I enjoy lots of people, but don't deeply care what happens in their lives. I even love some people, and while I do care deeply about what passes between us, don't care what happens for them when I'm not around (unless of course it was something tragic or super-serious).
This sounds selfish, but I don't mean it this way. It is a growing detachment. I don't know if it is uber-healthy psychologically, or reflects a preoccupation with my own experience. I sort of have come to the place in which I realize that everybody just has to work all their own stuff out. That good and bad happens, and that we move through all of it. That everything is just growth. I am continually surprised (at work for example) that people appear so very, very involved with the stories of each others' lives - did the child get accepted into the college? did the grandmother recover from her surgery?
Is everybody sort of faking all this involvement in a social way? (I do. I'm relatively socially engaged and acceptable. I know to ask politely about the health of the grandmother). Sometimes I just worry that I don't really care about the answer (if the surgery went well, great. If it didn't, well, that's grandma's experience, and that's how it is...).
This is a hard thing to talk about, because - for some reason - it embarrasses me. Maybe I have a lifetime concern that I am not "normal." I don't watch television either. I have also moved/relocated many times in my adult life, and "begun anew" with brand new groups of friends/community. Maybe those things have contributed to my lack of interest in the drama of other people's lives...
PS. I've had loved ones tell me that I'm challenging to be intimate with because I don't share all the little details of my daily experience either. I tend to talk about ideas (I actually talk a lot inside friendship/relationship), not my problems or those of my family. People have told me this makes me seem "unhelpable" - but I don't want help, really, as I believe we experience things to grow, and so whatever happens is just what is happening. I feel funny talking about private problems with acquaintances at work, program friends, etc. I'd rather talk about sobriety, or my new puppy, or make plans to do an activity or a work project.
PPS. When I just wrote that sentence (above) I realized that this is typically how men are perceived to communicate. Maybe I feel weird about it because I'm female, and we're supposed to be obsessive about the details and gossip and traumas of the extended family system...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Heartcore, I'm female and also feel the same way. Like I'm faking the social niceties just to fit in. I don't have an answer. Just wanted to say I understan and you aren't alone on feeling that way.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
heartcore,
I don't think its a male/female thing. I think that view only serves to reinforce stereotypes that does no one any good.
I have learned that people just want to see in me a reflection of how they feel. That we are all human and feel good and bad on certain days. I may very well not care one bit about if grandma did well in surgery. But I value the way I would want to feel if grandma was all I could think about at that time.
All my best to you! And since you are still fairly new on SR a big welcome. And yes I did mean that.
You wont find a better place than right here!
I don't think its a male/female thing. I think that view only serves to reinforce stereotypes that does no one any good.
I have learned that people just want to see in me a reflection of how they feel. That we are all human and feel good and bad on certain days. I may very well not care one bit about if grandma did well in surgery. But I value the way I would want to feel if grandma was all I could think about at that time.
All my best to you! And since you are still fairly new on SR a big welcome. And yes I did mean that.
You wont find a better place than right here!
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