markdara91298

My 24 YO AS was released Monday with an unsuccessful completion from a 6 month program for failed drug test. He violated his parole and will have a warrant out for his arrest anytime. My husband has had it and he is not welcome to stay in our home bc of his siblings that take to heart the pain of their brother and destruction is is doing to his life. He has been sitting on the front porch of a home I own and my nephew loves there but bc he is out of town my AS is not welcome to the inside of the home bc the TV Xbox and other valuables may end missing. My heart aches right now. He called and said he's hungry so I'm taking him food sleeping bag and a pillow. why? It shouldn't have to be like this. He probably will be sent to prison this time, but I keep telling him he did this. I can't help him out of this one. I suggest going to NA meetings and he said he's not going. I suggest reaching out to his higher power. He said that's just crazy. Why would God save me? I said bc he loves you. Im trying to be strong but it's so hard. I wish I could fix this nightmare. He's such a great kid with such a big heart and drugs have destroyed him.

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zoso77

It's really, really hard reading stories like this. I have a nephew roughly your AS's age, and I couldn't imagine what it would be like if my nephew was battling with addiction.

My own experiences and the stories we read here have led me to be somewhat of a ruthless pragmatist. And when you tell your son that he's responsible for this, you're telling him the cold, hard truth. If he ends up in jail, then that's the price he pays for his decisions.

Of course, this doesn't make it any easier for you. I'm glad you're reaching out here, and I think you would benefit from a meeting or two. You know deep down that you can't fix this, so now you have to let go and allow whatever is supposed to happen to your son happen.

Keep us posted.

Hope7726

My heart aches for you. I don't know how parents go through this. But what else can you do? You are right, he can't return to your home. Drugs destroy our loved ones and we are powerless to stop it. Stick to your boundaries and pray that his HP guides him in the right direction. Staying strong and taking care of yourself is probably the best way you can help him. I'm sorry for your pain.

Chino

I'm glad you're doing that, for his sake and yours. I did the same for my daughter and myself in the past.

My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your son.

Impurrfect

I'm sorry you are going through this. I put my loved ones through pretty much of the same. All I can tell you is that it wasn't until I was told "no, I will not get you out of jail again, no you can't come home until you are in recovery" and I was allowed to face my consequences, did I even THINK about recovery.

I was angry, at the time, but couldn't be more grateful.

Big hugs and prayers, as I know this isn't easy,

Amy

markdara91298

Thank you all so much for your support and comforting words. I'm doing it!! I'm staying strong and have a solid boundary line. It's is hard but with the strength of my SR friends and Naranon friends I'm pulling through. Love you all. Hugs.

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desypete

we had a case similar to this were a step parent refused a ladys son to come and live there and it ended up in divorce.
as quite rightly the lady had to put her son first, she couldnt leave her son out in the cold and i remember her pain in such a horrible situation it realy is a nightmare one

i know for me i could never see one of my kids out on the streets no matter what i know its easy for people to say its the right way but having lost a son i would of given my own life to save if i could, i certainly could not sit back and do nothing i would rather have the guilt of being an enabler than have the guilt that my child died out on the streets

but thats just me as i said i sit here now 2 years on from my son dying and knowing i would of given my own life for that little lad to still be here.

my heart goes out to you it really does but tell me what would you do if your partner had not said he can not come home to you ?

hopeful4

I am so sorry. That has to be so so hard.

I would give him a list of any local shelters. There are many who cannot get their life straight w/out some very real time in jail. While it is a consequence, it is also an opportunity.

God bless. Praying for you and your son.

Twofish

Dear Marcdara,
I wanted to tell you that I know, as well as the other mommas, how much this is
killing you inside. The pain in our hearts can't even be described
Please know that we are here for you and that I/we care very much
about you.
Let your dear addicted son make the decision on what to do about his addiction and his
recovery...in the meanwhile, take some time for yourself, can you try to do that?
(((Hugs))) and prayers to you for a little peace in your life!
TF

irisgardens

Ditto Twofish...as a mom of an active addict, I send love and prayers your way and as you allow him to deal with his choices and consequences...take care of yourself as best you can...it isn't easy.

Txhelp

When I allowed my son to be homeless and desperate, I told myself "this may be part of saving his life and not prolonging his bottom."

After trying years to save him, I felt no other choice.

He is now 2/3 completed in the Salvatiion Army program.

oceanlady1958

i can empathize with your pain as well. I also have a 24 year old son who is currently sitting in jail for 4 felonies which occurred over a 5 week time frame. each one was in a different county and had 3 different lawyers coordinating the mess he created. after 6 years of bailouts in various other arrests and stabbling i finally let him feel the full extent of his own mistakes. yes it breaks my heart as it does every parent but until we get to the point when we are hurting and destroying ourselves. i go to sleep at night and wake up with my head spinning about the loss in my heart and the loss of the spirit of my son but there is nothing we as parents can do. i don't think a day goes by for any parent when they can really let go , i struggle every day . i try to stay in the moment. naranon meetings may help or families anonomous and reading on sr. i wish you strength, prayers are with you.

waitingforhope

I just discovered my husband is an addict or it was confirmed for me anyway, by his admission to the hospital with congestive heart failure. As much as I hated to do so and probably add to his distress at an already trying time, I filed for divorce the next day (this past Friday) and had him served the papers in his hospital bed. Why did I do what others may think is cruel? Because of impact. Impact and consequences this has had on my daughters and I. Because tough love means letting them hit rock bottom and taking away everything they depend on, so with some hope, they realize they must choose to help themselves. I love him so much, I'm willing to let him hate me for him losing everything now. Tough love is hard but it I'm hoping it will save him.

markdara91298

Thank you all so much for your hope and strength. I'm doing it. I'm allowing him to face all his consequences and giving love and support. I must give my boy credit. He's never disrespected me verbally and always replys "I understand mom". That's when it's hard not
To help him but I know I am helping him by letting him face all the consequences this drug life has created. I'm so thankful
To you all for such comforting words because I couldn't do it otherwise. Love and hugs to all!!����❤️❤️

Chino

Such a simple concept -- a basic tenet of parenting - but a tremendous challenge when it comes to this disease. At least it was for me, until I read something here on SR by one of our double winners. She essentially asked if we would deprive our addicted loved ones of reaping their rewards in life. If not, why would we deprive them of facing their consequences?

Many hugs and prayers for you and your family, especially for serenity.

queenapple

Not bailing my son out of jail a few years ago was one of the hardest things I've ever done. He begged us, and we were looking into where to get $10,000 when his friends, including his girlfriend, all begged us not to do it, saying he really needed to get straightened out and this was his only hope.

We didn't bail him out. He spent a short time in jail, followed by a 6 month stint in court-mandated rehab. He was one of the few people in the house to actually stick with the program and graduate, but he did it. He's still, 5 years later, very involved in NA and the recovery process.

I would have bailed him out, left to my own devices. And it would have been a huge mistake. I couldn't see it at the time. Sometimes it really is a matter of finally letting go of control and letting them face the consequences.

markdara91298

To all: unfortunately this morning I had to have my son arrested for stealing my debit card two nights ago. I can't watch him kill himself. This is so overwhelming. Prayers for my family especially his siblings.

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desypete

i understand totaly what your saying here but how would you feel had he not of got his life together and had indeed died ?

is there anyone on this forum who stood by and let there kids go and die of there illness ? as i would love to hear how they have coped with it all

if my son hadnt died i would be one of many who would say let them go down to live outside on the streets but i just dont think when push comes to shove any parent would be prepared to let them go down to that level

its great if they have and it all turns out well as they will have no mental turmoil to deal with and it would seem the right way to go

but like i said i would really love to hear from anyone on here who stood firm and there child died as i want to know how they would feel today about it and how they cope in life today with it ?

as i know what its like to lose a child with no chance of anything to be done to save him i know how i feel about it today 2 years on and i really dont think i could cope with the what if i had done this or done that etc that must go on in the heads

but maybe it doesnt i dont know thats why i am asking

Twofish

Dear Desypete,
I just now saw this post above...and
I'm sorry about the pain you feel and for the loss of your dear child.
I don't know what you are feeling nor do I know what it feels like to lose
a child. Your loss was not a result of something you did. We are talking about
a disease, a disease that spares no one.
But I do know how it feels to watch a walking zombie, a child who doesn't
have emotions and who doesn't care about ANYONE or ANYTHING except
where they can get some drugs. Not to get high, but to feel normal...and
that's NOT normal.
Be kind to yourself,
TF

vaya

Dear Markdara, I understand just how you feel. My 27yr old AS just left rehab yesterday, after 2 months clean. (See my post, devastated..AS left rehab.)

I was one of those moms who swore she wouldn't see her son on the street homeless, until my AS got me evicted because of his behavior. I spent thousands putting him up in a hotel room for 3 months to avoid him being homeless & hope he'd turn his life around. then he was homeless after that and broken.

Now, after 2 months of rehab he is homeless again. Would rather do the streets then have a warm bed and help. It will be hard for me again, but I have to let go and let him live by the consequences of his choices. Hopefully,he will seek help again. I can only pray. I am not looking forward to the crisis calls I used to get.

I found some peace in helping him with food & clothes and offered a sleeping bag whilehe was out there. Will do some of that again, but not like before. He knows where he can go to get help if he wants it. Tough love is hard. I know how you feel, but we have to allow them the dignity of helping themselves or they may never recover.