NewComer: Tremendous Guilt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 2
NewComer: Tremendous Guilt
Hi Guys,
I've been reading posts on the SoberRecovery Forum for awhile to help me as I was in the midst of what felt like a personal crisis. I'm new to everything in dealing with an alchie world... A month in Al Anon, reading literature, telephone sharing, possibly therapy, etc.
I was (as everyone says I know) dating a "terrific" guy. Very sweet, giving and kind...he fell in love with me immediately (and very hard) and I eventually fell in love with him. At the beginning, all I knew was he said he "didn't drink anymore" and was recovering. I didn't know what alcoholics were, dynamics, the depth of the history, what it could be, etc. He would tell me stories of rehab, his drinking but I didn't truly understand and put the two together...
Anyways, within 6-7 months of the relationship his father got diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. I experienced his first binge relapse a month after he got diagnosed which was this past July and it was for a week. I stayed with him, his brother would call me up to check in, I got crazy and he ended up in ICU. I took a step back for a week but eventually we began to talk again, and he was so emotional and struggling with his father that I tried to understand his father was dying.
Anyways, a month ago I had a terrible gut-twisting anxious feeling and fell down crying and it was as I feared, he picked up again. This time his binge lasted for weeks.... I went away to stay with my family & physically detach but with my mom's guilt trips of "be a compassionate person", "don't be cold" "You'll regret it" "his father is dying" and his family calling me to ask if I heard from him, I was under what felt like immense pressure. His brother was telling me how much he was saying he cared for me, he was calling/texting how important I was, "love of his life", our friends would call too. Anyways, for sanity I blocked his number and didn't talk to him for a week and tried distance. I finally returned back home from visiting family and his brother text me and said their father passed away last night and I'm experiencing painful stages of grief... and guilt, a LOT of guilt and sadness for what it feels like abandoning someone I love even though I know I was trying to save myself in the process.
So I need guidance. I thought it was best to be his friend and support him in the recovery process. I'm too scared and hurt to entertain going back with him. It was devastating and still is being so close to someone who is killing themselves. I feel like a bad person. I really do love/care for his well-being & with his father passing I feel like I should reach out, call him, text him but I'm also scared he'll beg me to come back or be drunk and I'll break down. I unblocked his number too and he hasn't reached out. So any advice with this would be greatly appreciated...
Thank you
I've been reading posts on the SoberRecovery Forum for awhile to help me as I was in the midst of what felt like a personal crisis. I'm new to everything in dealing with an alchie world... A month in Al Anon, reading literature, telephone sharing, possibly therapy, etc.
I was (as everyone says I know) dating a "terrific" guy. Very sweet, giving and kind...he fell in love with me immediately (and very hard) and I eventually fell in love with him. At the beginning, all I knew was he said he "didn't drink anymore" and was recovering. I didn't know what alcoholics were, dynamics, the depth of the history, what it could be, etc. He would tell me stories of rehab, his drinking but I didn't truly understand and put the two together...
Anyways, within 6-7 months of the relationship his father got diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. I experienced his first binge relapse a month after he got diagnosed which was this past July and it was for a week. I stayed with him, his brother would call me up to check in, I got crazy and he ended up in ICU. I took a step back for a week but eventually we began to talk again, and he was so emotional and struggling with his father that I tried to understand his father was dying.
Anyways, a month ago I had a terrible gut-twisting anxious feeling and fell down crying and it was as I feared, he picked up again. This time his binge lasted for weeks.... I went away to stay with my family & physically detach but with my mom's guilt trips of "be a compassionate person", "don't be cold" "You'll regret it" "his father is dying" and his family calling me to ask if I heard from him, I was under what felt like immense pressure. His brother was telling me how much he was saying he cared for me, he was calling/texting how important I was, "love of his life", our friends would call too. Anyways, for sanity I blocked his number and didn't talk to him for a week and tried distance. I finally returned back home from visiting family and his brother text me and said their father passed away last night and I'm experiencing painful stages of grief... and guilt, a LOT of guilt and sadness for what it feels like abandoning someone I love even though I know I was trying to save myself in the process.
So I need guidance. I thought it was best to be his friend and support him in the recovery process. I'm too scared and hurt to entertain going back with him. It was devastating and still is being so close to someone who is killing themselves. I feel like a bad person. I really do love/care for his well-being & with his father passing I feel like I should reach out, call him, text him but I'm also scared he'll beg me to come back or be drunk and I'll break down. I unblocked his number too and he hasn't reached out. So any advice with this would be greatly appreciated...
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
I feel for you. The problem is, you can't fix him. Only he can fix him. You are not responsible for getting and keeping him sober. Sad but true.
Can I ask how bad he got when drinking? Any abuse? Do you still love him? You are not a bad person.
Can I ask how bad he got when drinking? Any abuse? Do you still love him? You are not a bad person.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,880
Welcome, RockyandBoots, to SR. I am sorry that you are in the midst of such a painful situation.
Your boyfriend's sobriety is solely his responsibility.
You are not a bad person and you have no obligation to become embroiled in a situation which is a danger to your own emotional well-being.
I truly hope your boyfriend finds permanent sobriety; I have found it absolutely wonderful.
Your boyfriend's sobriety is solely his responsibility.
You are not a bad person and you have no obligation to become embroiled in a situation which is a danger to your own emotional well-being.
I truly hope your boyfriend finds permanent sobriety; I have found it absolutely wonderful.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hi RockyandBoots and welcome to SR!
Oh does it get messy. Life with alcohol. Family dynamics. What I have learned is that loving a person means that you want more than anything for that person to love herself. His family cannot possibly know the depths of life with your ex. Your ex needs to love himself and no one but him can do this. Your feelings are valid and any guilt trips are 'part of the dysfunction' (as the wise ones here say) of the whole, giant mess.
You have to take care of your feelings and emotions. Be OK with you. This alone will take work.
Oh does it get messy. Life with alcohol. Family dynamics. What I have learned is that loving a person means that you want more than anything for that person to love herself. His family cannot possibly know the depths of life with your ex. Your ex needs to love himself and no one but him can do this. Your feelings are valid and any guilt trips are 'part of the dysfunction' (as the wise ones here say) of the whole, giant mess.
You have to take care of your feelings and emotions. Be OK with you. This alone will take work.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
I am so sorry you are going through this. But, the above posts are right, only your BF can reconsile this. It is not selfish of you to save yourself, because looking from the outside in, and you being the non-addict looking in, you don't realize how out of control this can become. i think you did right by you and your BF, and I truly hope he helps himself. God bless.
Bunnez
Bunnez
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by RockyandBoots 
So any advice with this would be greatly appreciated...
Thank you
Thank you
Also there is the F & F forum and you will find a wealth of information and support there as well. I encourage you to reach out in that forum as well.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR you will find lots of support from both sides.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 383
It sounds to me as if you have a good head on your shoulders. Someone who did the right thing and is not going to be a codependent. Here's how I know you're being jerked around: real love never blames. Anyone who sends guilt your way is not loving you - they are trying to get you to do what they want. You are actually showing him more love and concern by giving him room to relapse and not trying to fix it for him. In this way, you don't become a victim of his disease. It's terrible to lose one's father, but it's way worse to drink through losing one's father when you're an alcoholic - it isn't going to make things any easier (just the opposite) but it sounds like he'll need to figure that out on his own. He's a man - let him reap what he's sowing, as hard as that is to watch when you care about him.
Some would disagree but there are some groups that provide strategies for helping get someone you care about to consider treatment when they don't want to, but you have to keep in mind it's not your responsibility. If that sounds like you, look into CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Therapy) if you decide you want to try and help get him into treatment. If it's better that you just stay clear (which may also be the right decision) then do that knowing it's the right thing. For the latter approach, hitting an Al-Anon meeting might be the way to go if you're so inclined. Support form others experiencing the same thing might be helpful to you.
Some would disagree but there are some groups that provide strategies for helping get someone you care about to consider treatment when they don't want to, but you have to keep in mind it's not your responsibility. If that sounds like you, look into CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Therapy) if you decide you want to try and help get him into treatment. If it's better that you just stay clear (which may also be the right decision) then do that knowing it's the right thing. For the latter approach, hitting an Al-Anon meeting might be the way to go if you're so inclined. Support form others experiencing the same thing might be helpful to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
such a tough position to be in. It sounds like you're getting support for yourself and that's the right thing to do. Coming here is also a good idea. Check into the friends and family forum and keep on taking steps to nurture your own emotional health.
As for him - it's one thing so "support his recovery process".... another entirely to support and enable his excuses NOT TO RECOVER.
Life is hard sometimes. And it's hard in recovery. We only make it harder when we choose to continue with our addictions.
I think that "support his recovery" looks like;
helping him with encouragement and understanding to participate in AA or other programs
Being willing to join him in therapy or even go to meetings from time to time.
Encouraging him and listening to him when he is down, ensuring he is connected to and working with other alcoholics in recovery.
Offering emotional and physical support WHEN HE IS ACTUALLY IN RECOVERY.
Being compassionate and empathetic to his struggles - even when they are baffling and frustrating to you.
I think what it DOESNT look like is;
Coddling him when he is binge-drinking
Sheltering him from the consequences of his continued drinking
'Being there' in ways that negatively impact you as a consequence of his drinking
Helping him stay 'stuck' in his addiction by soothing him
Providing financial support, shelter, transportation or other assistance when he is drunk or continuing to drink / use
An alcoholic will invariably take advantage of you, guilt you, blame you, undermine your self esteem and make you feel responsible to help rope you into supporting his continued addiction. You are not a bad person, you do not lack compassion, you are not failing by holding him accountable and having firm and clear boundaries about your expectations and what you are willing / not willing to do for him - and what you expect HIM to do (first and foremost.... be dedicated fully to active recovery).
Take care of you.
As for him - it's one thing so "support his recovery process".... another entirely to support and enable his excuses NOT TO RECOVER.
Life is hard sometimes. And it's hard in recovery. We only make it harder when we choose to continue with our addictions.
I think that "support his recovery" looks like;
helping him with encouragement and understanding to participate in AA or other programs
Being willing to join him in therapy or even go to meetings from time to time.
Encouraging him and listening to him when he is down, ensuring he is connected to and working with other alcoholics in recovery.
Offering emotional and physical support WHEN HE IS ACTUALLY IN RECOVERY.
Being compassionate and empathetic to his struggles - even when they are baffling and frustrating to you.
I think what it DOESNT look like is;
Coddling him when he is binge-drinking
Sheltering him from the consequences of his continued drinking
'Being there' in ways that negatively impact you as a consequence of his drinking
Helping him stay 'stuck' in his addiction by soothing him
Providing financial support, shelter, transportation or other assistance when he is drunk or continuing to drink / use
An alcoholic will invariably take advantage of you, guilt you, blame you, undermine your self esteem and make you feel responsible to help rope you into supporting his continued addiction. You are not a bad person, you do not lack compassion, you are not failing by holding him accountable and having firm and clear boundaries about your expectations and what you are willing / not willing to do for him - and what you expect HIM to do (first and foremost.... be dedicated fully to active recovery).
Take care of you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Hi and welcoem to SR RockyandBoots 
In my experience sometimes what might feel like abandoning someone is really just standing back so they can learn to walk for themselves.
I don't think you did anything bad at all - you made a good decision based on your own well being, and your ezes.
my only advice is be careful you don't get sucked into the maelstrom again.
D
In my experience sometimes what might feel like abandoning someone is really just standing back so they can learn to walk for themselves.
I don't think you did anything bad at all - you made a good decision based on your own well being, and your ezes.
my only advice is be careful you don't get sucked into the maelstrom again.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 2
Hey Guys, Thank you so much for your replies. It's amazing how helpful and nurturing the people here on this forum are and it's just online!
@Sprout50, no he's not abusive. He's a true alcoholic in every sense that once he drinks, there's no coming back and terribly self-destructive. A crying, desperate, wailing mess that likes to hit his head on pavements. Very sad... because life doesn't have to BE that way. Very sensitive, fragile and kind soul that takes life way too hard. So yes, I do love him, but... I just want him to heal, BOTH of us to heal, learn to be happy. And focused individually on recovery (probably best as friends with loving detachment). I don't have the luxury in thinking of the future or 'what could be' right now. I'm focusing on breathing and just taking it a step at a time and trying to see what I need for today.... but yes despite this I feel very very sad, I feel deep loss, scared, wish things were different, etc.
Also, I don't really ever see people have happy relationship stories on here and even with recovery... a good 2-3 years and even then, possible relapse? It all seems very hopeless, painful and incredibly sad to me. Is that true?
Sending everyone love.
Thank you guys so much~
@Sprout50, no he's not abusive. He's a true alcoholic in every sense that once he drinks, there's no coming back and terribly self-destructive. A crying, desperate, wailing mess that likes to hit his head on pavements. Very sad... because life doesn't have to BE that way. Very sensitive, fragile and kind soul that takes life way too hard. So yes, I do love him, but... I just want him to heal, BOTH of us to heal, learn to be happy. And focused individually on recovery (probably best as friends with loving detachment). I don't have the luxury in thinking of the future or 'what could be' right now. I'm focusing on breathing and just taking it a step at a time and trying to see what I need for today.... but yes despite this I feel very very sad, I feel deep loss, scared, wish things were different, etc.
Also, I don't really ever see people have happy relationship stories on here and even with recovery... a good 2-3 years and even then, possible relapse? It all seems very hopeless, painful and incredibly sad to me. Is that true?
Sending everyone love.
Thank you guys so much~
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
I am very glad to hear that he is not abusive and I think you are taking the right track.
As for happy relationships, I have one. I have been married for almost 25 yrs. Of course, I wasn't drinking much in the beginning and I am the one who brought up my drinking and decided it was time to quit. Happy relationships can and do happen. It's just that the addicted person has to want to quit. It doesn't work otherwise.
As for happy relationships, I have one. I have been married for almost 25 yrs. Of course, I wasn't drinking much in the beginning and I am the one who brought up my drinking and decided it was time to quit. Happy relationships can and do happen. It's just that the addicted person has to want to quit. It doesn't work otherwise.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
