Mrrryah1

Well I almost made it through my vacation.... but right smack dab in the middle I decided it would be OK if I put some cream liquiour (however you spell it) in my coffee every time I went to the store at our resort to get a refill.

I didn't even get drunk, but I got a wicked stomach ache after doing this about 8 times. And was wired on caffeine. I couldn't tell my fiance I was drinking or he would have left me there at the resort and gone home and moved out. Guaranteed. So I managed to hide it somehow. But it wasn't fun at all. What a waste.

I stayed sober the rest of my vacation.

Then I got home yesterday morning and my housesitter had left a 15 case of beer in the fridge. There was no premeditation whatsoever. My arm extended, grabbed the can, and started slamming. Then of course, a few hours after I was doing drugs again.

I am so so sick and tired of this. I don't want to live this way anymore.

Going to start going to a meeting every single day, starting today. This has worked for me in the past.

I hope this is my last day one. Please god!!

biminiblue

Oh, no.

Just, oh no.

I've got no words for how sad I am for you. Can you go to treatment?

Mrrryah1

I dunno Bimini.

I would have to pay for it myself. We don't have healthcare for that here in Canada.

I've also been to treatment 3 times already in the past.

I don't think it's that I NEED treatment. I think it's that I NEED to make my recovery & sobriety my number one priority in life, NO MATTER WHAT.

I need to go to a meeting every day. I need to stop talking to people who drink or who trigger me while I'm in early recovery. I need to not pick up that first drink, no matter what. I need the program of AA and to work it to the best of my ability.

Or maybe I have absolutely no idea what I need. Maybe you're right.

I just had 60 days only a couple of weeks ago. I'm hoping I can get back on track starting today.

ScottFromWI

Glad you are going back to something that works Mrryah. Hope is important, but it doesn't keep you sober. Action does...and I think you know that, right?

Soberwolf

Hi Mrryah i have every faith in you always http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html

biminiblue

Okay, I get it.

You really can't let that first one in - that's the key.

Your hand, your mouth. Only you can save your own life.

You're worth it. Keep it going.

Mrrryah1

You are absolutely right Scott. Actions speak louder than words. I'm looking forward to posting daily again for the next little while, not because you guys need to hear what I have to say, but because it helps me to hold myself accountable... and the first couple weeks are usually the toughest so I need that extra boost and accountability.

Thanks Wolfie Reading that old post made me sad. I don't know why I ever decided to give up what I had. That 45-60 days was pretty freakin awesome Just gotta get back there again. Don't have any other choice.

Thanks Bimini. It's the first one that gets me, every time. <3

Soberwolf

That link was intended to strenghten your resolve and a nice reminder of how good you felt sober

Dont worry its proof that you can do it and look how good you felt you can be there in 45 days & beyond if you keep at it which im sure you will

didnt mean to make you sad my apoligies

SoberLeigh

Mrrryah; I feel so bad for you. Sorry that you are back at Day 1.

A meeting a day, every single day sounds like a solid plan.

Stick to that plan like crazy glue.

Rooting for you, Mrrryah.

Soberpotamus

I've been there, Mrrryah... sneaking alcohol so my husband wouldn't know, and being "blindsided" by surprise alcohol. Been there.

Have you been able to use the tool of "playing the tape forward" at all? This one helped me so much. To fast forward in my mind to what typically happens. In all the gory detail.

Also, have you tried urge surfing yet?

luvmygirls

Mrryah, can you join our November class? It sounds like you might benefit from a restart. I remember reading your recent post about your relapse, and it sounded so bad. I'm sorry this happened...we're here for you.

Mrrryah1

I joined

Dee74

Welcome back Mrryah.

I'm quite concerned for you to be honest.

I really hope you can make this your turning point - if you continue to drink you won't end up anywhere good, y'know?

D

Mrrryah1

Yeah I know that's why I'm here posting instead of out drinking. Went to a meeting tonight and put my hand up again as coming back ugh... But I'm goin to bed sober now and headed for day 2 tomorrow.

MavisTheFairy13

Good on you for coming back and posting you did 60 days that's fantastic! So you know you can do this. Keep moving forward. Here's to day 2

LadyinBC

I am not sure what province you're in, but I do know that there is treatment you can do that is covered by heathcare. There are counsellors and provincial treatments centres. However, they don't have these in every province. If you feel comfortable PM me your province and I can help you find something. There is always something out there that you can utilize, it is just a matter of knowing where to look. I am more than willing to help you find something .

dcrr

I read this saying on a post somewhere on SR...but I cannot remember where...so I apologize in advance to whoever for not giving them the credit for it. This has helped me a lot so far in my sobriety - "One is too many, one thousand is not enough". That summed up my drinking in a nutshell. Sounds like you know what you need to do and you have already implemented a plan. You and all of us know you can do this.

Jupiters

hey M
so sorry to read this! Last time I took a breather from here, when I came back I had saw you relapsed hard. I'm glad to see you keep coming back though!
I'm worried for you as Dee is. Are you sure there are NO resources for rehab? Regardless if you've been 3 times before...that was before, this is NOW and you need help again. The drinking is bad, but to pair it up with hard drug use every time you fall really concerns me darlin'.
Keep posting again!!!!! and hang onto those sober days you had b/c you were rockin' it babe! YOU CAN DO THAT AGAIN.
*HUGS*
Jups xox

Tang

I'm sorry for your failure. Meetings are a good thing.

Judas

I've been where you are Mrryah.. I've been quietly reading the forums over the past few weeks and your posts have hit home with me. I can identify with a lot of it, especially the relapses. I think you have a lot of people on your side wishing you success in this fight.. I think 60+ days is great so like someone else said, you know you can do it. Just keep your head up and get back at it.