Lifeishard

Those who remember my posts know I have moved home and it's the best thing I have done away from my mil and fil who lived doors away. This house feels like home.

Although I am happier I feel part of me missing. I still don't feel a whole person even now 16 months after we split. I am numb quite a lot and empty. I miss him even now, even after what he did.

I started dating a healthy normal guy. Nice person he is great. But today I ended it. I cannot 'feel' anything for him. Nothing at all. Despite trying and knowing he's a good man i don't think I can ever get feelings for anyone again. I have just dumped a decent man because deep down I love my ex.

Thing is I don't want my ex back ever as an alcoholic. I know he will never reach out to me. I know there's too much water under the bridge but I cannot shake the love I had and still have for him. I thought I did and had but I clearly can't. I never loved anyone as much as my exah. Not the first husband I had children off not the man after I was with for years. I adored my exah.

I know he's no good for me. He cheated with an alcoholic and they have split as she caught him in the act of cheating with another woman! He gets to be in relationships and I can't.... I don't think I will ever love a man again. I get angry knowing he cheated on his agf and is quite content to have yet another gf on his arm.

I am sad, scared and fed up walking around as though part of me is missing. It's as though a body part has gone and without it My life is pointless as I need that body part back to be happy, to love, to be me!

I've been in counselling, alanon, u name it. How come he gets to be happy in relationships and I simply cannot have a relationship as my body part is missing! Something has gone from me! I won't ever love again and that to me is a sad lonely life which is pointless. This is what he did. Guys is this normal? I need hope x

lillamy

Let me rephrase that for you: You have just dumped a decent man because you are not yet healed from having been in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Trust me on that. You are not damaged for life. We do heal, and we're pretty good at it. I also think that in alcoholic relationships, we get a skewed picture of what love is. Love is not putting a person before yourself who treats you like dirt. I don't know if there is a word for it, but "love" is definitely not the right term. Love is not giving and giving and giving to someone who takes you for granted and treats you like dirt.

It took me a long time to realize that I couldn't differentiate between love and pity -- they felt the same to me. I still have a hard time some days accepting love.

THAT is what I would bring up in counseling. And burrow down into why you feel that way. What was it the relationship made you feel that you're missing? Why do you think only your ex can provide that? That's the kind of questions I would be asking myself.

sunday9

I am in the process of feeling just about the same thing only in early stages. I don't know if my abf and I do break up if I will be able to get over him and move on or just feel sad and empty for a long, long time. I hope you get answers here and start to be better.

hopeful4

Totally normal. This too shall pass, I promise. Until then, no contact and keep getting support for you.

XXX

Refiner

I've been there, too. And you know what I found out? That I had to learn to accept and not having a problem with NOT "HAVING" ANYONE as a partner. And that process involved getting to know "ME" and loving "ME" and not "NEEDING" another person to make me whole. And you know what? As soon as I got to that point (it was not overnight! It took YEARS.) the people/relationships that came into my life were AWESOME and that included meeting my current husband! I look back at where I was and it's scary to think I was trying to "settle" with a partner who I knew in the depths of my mind was not worthy of me. But I was scared. I was lonely. And I thought I needed someone else to make me whole. I wish you the best on your journey.

Lifeishard

Lillamy thanks for your advice... I hear what you are saying but my first exh without addictions but cheated .... I left him without looking back. Next one had a cocaine addiction and I left without looking back. All body parts in order.... Able to move on as nothing was missing. This time something IS missing big time. If I can get over a serial cheat, a cocaine addict who is still into cocaine and cheats..... Why oh why am I struggling this time? I loved my exes but totally adored my exah. So is it not love? Is it not that part of me is missing as I truly loved him and I want to 'feel' again. It's as though until I 'feel' that immense love again.... Part of me remains missing. Crazy isn't it but it's how I feel. Counsellor knows all this and said its stems back from childhood due to alcoholic parents and me needing them to love me. Crazy loving the exah who cheated on me and then cheated on the one he cheated on me with.

Life is so painful and I am sorry to be rambling but I don't know where else to turn to.

dandylion

Lifeishard.....I would suggest to get back to what you STARTED. That would be alanon or a woman's support group and a good therapist---and, like lillamy suggested...dig down deep. Go as deep as you need to for as long as you need to.

I'm just spitballin' here...but, my guess is that you dropped away from above when you got into a relationship. I say that because that is what almost everybody else does!
Chances are that your particular issues were baggage even before you had your first adult relationship. At this point...a lot of the m issing him is really the missing the connection to your authentic self.

This is probably not what you came her to hear....but, I can't think of a more gentle way of saying it. I do say this with the upmost compassion.....

dandylion

***it is possible that you have not completely completed the grieving process---and, you may have grieving for the others "piggybacked" onto this one....and, you might have some low-level depression in the mix. Whatever--I believe that a good therapist and some face to face with others who understand are in order.......

firebolt

My counselor called chemical addiction a "cancer" to relationships. It grows and grows and unless it is completely cut out / removed, then odds are it'll slowly and painfully ruin all parties involved.

Hun, it might feel like a body part is missing, but that part of you was full of cancer. You might be feeling some intense phantom pains from it being gone - but those subside eventually, it just takes time - I know, I've had more amazing true loves than any one girl deserves . Give yourself some time and space to redirect all that love back to yourself. You are worth it and you deserve it!

Lifeishard

Dandelion you a right. As a child I just wanted to be loved but my parents just couldn't love me as they were alcoholics. I have got into relstionships all my life just to be loved. Never been single more than 8 weeks and now it's a year before I met the healthy man. Maybe I need another year out. I need to be strong in my own shell before being ready for a relationship. I suppose I need to fight my way through all the discomfort and tears until I can finally say I am ok on my own and a body part is not missing.

SparkleKitty

You will never, ever regret making that choice.

BrokenInPieces

I soo know how this feels. I've been feeling this way for the past 4 months, and it is just now beginning - a little bit at a time - to get better. At times, I feel hopeful... and others, I feel completely gutted. I love him so very much. He is a good man, and - in every way but the daily drinking - the man I would like to share my life with.

As I've read here often, time heals... but time takes time.

Refiner

Like I said... it won't happen overnight. Do you have a therapist? That helped me with my transition.

NJKitty

16 months and still numb? I am so sorry to hear that. I am in recovery from drinking and my husband just walked on me to pursue his sexting addiction. Like you, I know he will never reach out to me. I feel like a body part is missing too. You have received good advise from the posters above. Me, I just wanted to say I feel for you. I am blind(sided).

Lifeishard

Yes I did have a therapist. Unfortunately she has had to cease work until march 2015 as her husband died. Haven't seen her in 8 weeks so I suppose I am slipping a bit. Don't get me wrong I have progressed far. Been no contact for a year. Pain isn't half as bad but progress is slow. Some days I don't think of him at all, other days I think of him all the time. I think I need to find another therapist but she did all this work with me and knows everything and now I need to say it all again.

Going to stay on my own now. I suppose until I reach a point that I don't think if him no more and I don't feel like a body part is missing I am not ready for a relationship. I just get angry that he can have relationships and I can't because of what he did and what he has done to his recent gf.

How long has it taken people on here to fully get over there ex where they feel indifferent and there are no more tears?

SparkleKitty

Not all relationships are created equally. Please don't torture yourself with some romantic vision of his relationships -- broken people attract broken people and have broken relationships. Investing time in making yourself whole, creating a strong foundation of a relationship with yourself, is the only thing that can break the cycle.

There is no one keeping score of the number of relationships or length of time spent in them (except possibly you). You are not in a competition with him, and your rate of recovery will not be measured against how long or how often he can find someone else to try to stuff in the void of his self-esteem. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than spend ten more minutes in a bad relationship with someone else.

Time to take the focus off of him and onto you.

MissFixit

A couple things.

1. You are expecting a whole lot from yourself very quickly. We mend at different rates, but 16 months really is not much time. It took me 3ish years to feel kinda normal again and another couple years to address what led me to an A. YEARS, girl, YEARS.

2. I think I remember you being angry that he was with the cheating partner. Now you are angry he cheated on the cheating partner and left her for another? And you are surprised by his cheating? Hello... He is a cheater. That is what he does. I think you might not be totally accepting him for who or what he is.

3. Being with an A can have big upswings in the relationship, especially early on. They can be amazing charmers! But, it isn't real. Never was. It is an act to lure us/other women/people. I am sure he was charming with the other ladies too. He hooked them too. I suspect that you might be romanticizing your current love for him by playing mind tricks on yourself about how wonderful he once was and how great you felt around him. You probably did feel all of those things, he encouraged it I am sure. But, it is part of the dynamic of a relationship with someone with mental illness like he has. You felt those things, but it was not everlasting as you thought or hoped. He is not capable of fulfilling his side of the equation.

4. I had similar issues about my exA because of FOO stuff. Unmet needs, neglect and all that fun stuff. Therapy helped. It takes YEARS to sort that stuff out.

Wodge

Similarly to you, I am going through recovery, and finding it hard to find meaning and "wholeness" in life, without my exAG. I hope it might help you in some way if I share how it seems to me.

I think it is hard to learn to love and accept your self, if you've been doing the opposite for much of (maybe all) your life. It looks to me that addiction (substance, or addiction to another) often occurs from a protective "short-circuit" you use to avoid re-experiencing hurt you once felt, and couldn't bear.

The "protection" develops into relationships with substances or people and allows you to fabricate a purpose, without risking your heart. Moreover, those relationships develop because they feel exciting and overwhelming. Even though it becomes more and more destructive and painful, it still draws you in because it offers an escape from the fear of self, and somehow confirms the harmful self-judgement you once internalised.

I think there is much to be said for having faith and trust in YOU that your internal friendship/relationship can grow into your own purpose, and express your truly unique and beautiful being. I know it is hard to keep that faith, and to learn how to live and feel more complete, not short-circuiting.

Maybe we are actually blessed to take this journey - it makes us deeper. I really appreciated Dandylion's comment:

Hugs

ShootingStar1

There is a very insightful book called The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes Ph.D. that talks about why we can't leave people even when they betray us.

It gets into the fact that we are mourning earlier relationships - such as with our parents - and keep repeating the pattern until we figure out what it is.

ShootingStar1

Lifeishard

You lot are great. Some helpful advice given and some basic common sense. It's good for me to hear reality from you all. It helps kick my backside into fear which to be honest at times I need this. Thank you all. I will probably be ok now for a while but will be back on here when I feel emotionally upset as it's amazing how the people on this site support me. X

Eauchiche

I have decided to be single the rest of my life. This drives some of my friends and acquaintances crazy, because it flies in the face of our hyper sexualized culture.
One reason I made this decision, was I finally realized that I find addicts sexy and exciting.
When I meet somebody new and the hormones start pumping, that is a BIG red flag!