sosadandhurt

I was told by a very good friend, that read this somewhere. Women who have been in our kind of relationships cant seem to move on to someone "normal" because we say there is not chemistry. Its not the chemistry that is lacking, it is the drama, walking on eggshells, and all the other BS that we have come to know as our "normal". I had to sit and think about that for awhile, and, yes, it is true to a degree. The normal relationship is just that, "normal" and somehow seems to be without excitement because of what we have lived. Don't make a rash decision just yet. You can be friends with this person and get used to another way of life and just maybe you can enjoy it. If not, you will still have a great friend. The person that told me this is a great friend of the opposite sex and I dont know if it will ever be anything other than that, but I have a great friend anyway. Hang it there, there are alot of us that are in the same situation as you. You are not alone. (((Hugs)))

lillamy

Hey,

I had to come back to this because I was just on Twitter and saw a tweet from Miranda Lambert, and I thought of this post. Her tweet said "Sometimes it's not the person you miss, it's the memories."

For what it's worth. (((hugs)))

sosadandhurt

Sad thing is that, why cant we remember the ugly stuff when they are not here? It feels like it takes a backseat to the good memories. Seems I only remember the good. Ugh, I get so irritated with myself and I know better. The bad pretty much outweighed the good all the time. But, still holding on that maybe the good will "stick" this time. But, deep down I know better.

sunday9

The reason I have been with my AXBF for so long and give him chance after chance ... is those dang good memories that overflow when he leaves. I think about the good times, the good man he was. My reality becomes how good it was and how I can't live without that and how good it can be if he just tries. Problem is he never tries. I wonder what he may be doing, with who, Why doesn't he call me? blah, blah, blah... He lies and manipulates his way back to use me. I fall for it because of it takes my pain away and gives me hope that this time will be ok.

Funny thing when he is around I tend to dwell on how horrible things are ...how he has hurt and used me, cheated, etc. So overall I feel like the sick and irrational one in the relationship!

Lifeishard

Decided to turn my life over to god. I am starting to go to church and admit that I can't manage my life on my own. All my life I have made unwise decisions. I have to let go and let god. I know I am better off without him it's just hard as he is gradually getting worse. He not only cheated on his gf (and me) but he kicked and tried to strangle her. He was never violent but is now becoming violent as his disease progresses. I thank god I am out of it as that could have been me.

He saw the kids supervised at my aunts and he cried to our daughter about loosing me. But urs too late.... He keeps drinking very heavily now , a crate of 20 beers 7 days a week. It's painful to hear about how he continues to destroy himself but I have to put the focus on me. By letting go and asking god to come into my life, I hope that the choices and decisions I make are more positive.

I did let the healthy man go as I had already told him it was over. I have no regrets as I don't miss him. I am going to stay single until god brings the right man for me into my life

Lifeishard

Physically he is gaunt as well. 20 beers a day. One day the kids won't have a dad as he is losing weight and he has aged significantly. When is he going to find his bottom.? The kids want their old dad back sooo much it's heartbreaking .

Lifeishard

Omg I am in tears. The ex has got a new number and text asking me to be civil and stop the no contact as he would like to speak to kids on phone. I admit I responded and said no then got angry and sent him barrage of texts about what he did to me. He said he will spend the rest of his life feeling 'empty' without me but he knows there is no going back. We both don't want each other back and he still drinks.

Now in floods tears. So he feels empty like me! So he is in pain. Then why couldn't he seek help when he had the chance. Why did he have to run off with an alcoholic woman who meant nothing.

I have told him I can't be civil or let him phone re kids. I can't forgive him x

hopeful4

Awe honey, I am so sorry.

The thing is, the pain he is experiencing is not enough. The #1 woman, his alcohol, does mean that much to him. He is addicted. Go back to NC, you are only hurting yourself.

XXX

MissFixit

His words mean nothing. He made foul choices. There are consequences. You just take care of yourself and your kids. He can worry about his stuff. BTW, I would not ever try to equate your feelings and his feelings. Apples and oranges.

Lifeishard

Yes his pain is numbed by booze. 18 months after we split he states he will always be empty without me. I feel the real pain and heart is bleeding again. I do believe he misses me. He has now reverted to calling me names and blaming me for him cheating. He is saying I pushed him away do he got attention from another woman. But he became emotionally unavailable years before due to drink. He says I wasn't there to talk about his day but he pushed me away. Now blaming myself thinking if I was more available to him he wouldn't have cheated? I was doing so well .....

MissFixit

You are in control of yourself and how you choose to view things/interpret his bs. He is quacking. He is unhappy and doesn't want to take responsibility, so it is by default your fault. He isn't remotely in recovery or thinking rationally. Cheating was his choice. He had about 100 different choices before he cheated assuming his needs weren't getting met. Least of all was leaving you before he violated your trust. Despite all the options of how to handle himself, he chose cheating. His choice, pure and simple. Not everyone in that situation makes that choice, but he did. Now he refuses to take responsibility for his choice and wants to blame you. As long as you keep stepping up to take the blame, he will keep laying it on you. Only when YOU CHOOSE to disengage will it stop. He might never stop actually blaming you, but you can chose to stop accepting it. Get it? Your choice.

How do I know this? My exA blamed me too for his cheating. I was away at grad school (95 miles away) and he was lonely. Cry me a river. I was confused for a long time, because I could not understand how he could possibly blame me. Was I really at fault? But I had been there for years supporting him, why couldn't he do the same for me? It wasn't my fault, it was his for cheating. HE made that CHOICE. Just like your ex, HE made that CHOICE.

They don't like being adults who are responsible for themselves. Oh, well. That's life. Join the club...

I hope you feel better. You might want to start rethinking HOW you are interacting with him and HOW you are CHOOSING to interpret his words.

Hugs

Lifeishard

I have now blocked his new number. I have been bombarded with texts all day. He is blaming me and silly me was starting to believe I lost something good. I have had I loved u too much but u pushed me away. I have had tell me that he left as he was always sleeping in his car (he presents as having no memory if him choosing to leave and sleep in the car as he was abusive to me and children). He is partially trying to blame me but I text him and said I was in an emotionally dead and sexless marriage and tried many times for ur affection and still never cheated. However he still partially blames me. I think his memory of what he did has gone? It's as though he cannot remember.

He even told me via text that I still love him! I denied it and informed him he was again being blocked as I cannot ever be civil with him whilst he still drinks and tries to blame me for what he did. All silent now as he is blocked. Eyes puffy and swollen and I feel terrible knowing that the apology never happened, he wants to be friends and soon there will be yet another girl enabling him. I just need to try to sleep as I am emotionally exhausted. I really expected a change in him as why did he contact me? Just to break me again. He even tried to call but I rejected it immediately. I am in pieces .... 18 months split, 12 months no contact and now this.

sosadandhurt

Sunday9, You just explained how I act and feel perfectly. It's like you crawled in my head and wrote what I am thinking. When he is not with me, I remember all the good things and times and worry that he might find someone else. When I am with him, I just want to get away because all those bad feelings just flood me. I cant even think about a relationship with anyone and have no desire to find anyone else. I know it is crazy but that is how it is. Just want to get my head back on straight like it was before him. If that is even possible.

NYCDoglvr

The codie part of me yearned for the screwed up alcoholic for longer than I want to admit, lol. But it helped to understand that this was the part of me that had to be healed, so I jumped into Alanon and the steps. Prayer to have the craving of my "drug" (alcoholic) lifted also helped.

BrokenInPieces

Ditto. But in reverse, while we were dating. My heart and head were often in conflict. When we were apart, I'd be thinking of the reasons why I couldn't move the relationship forward; why I was afraid to take that risk. I kept wanting to blame myself and my own fear of change... I mean, he was wonderful to me, why couldn't I just take that leap of faith?... but deep down, I knew the real reason was the drinking. Then we'd get together and my heart would tell me I was being ridiculous - look how wonderful he treats me, how much he loves me, how much I love him, how much we have in common, how it just feels right, how I'd never felt that way with anyone before him.

And then I'd go back home and could never seem to stop that nagging in my gut that was telling me "I can't do this... it's going to get worse... there's too much at risk" - my home, finances, emotional/mental stability... things I'd worked sooo hard to make solid.

It was my own emotional roller-coaster ride... and every now and then, I dragged him onto the rails. Thus, my "increasingly frequent meltdowns".

Lifeishard

Since blocking my stbxh new number he has contacted me on yet another one. Instead of automatically blocking I was silly to read his texts and respond. By doing this I am desperately hurt all over again and have resumed to thinking about him all over again. He wanted me to hear him out in his tests so I did. He apologised for cheating and said he wishes he never did it as he knows I would never trust him again and he is struggling with the guilt. He is right.... I could never trust him again and we both know it's over. I have waited for 18 months for him to tell me he wishes he could turn back the clock. He tried to call but I did not answer. I left it at that and stopped texting back as I have had the apology and he self admitted he lost a good wife.

Fast forward two days later. Out of no where I start to receive texts from him saying 'I may not ever meet someone else but not will you.... Your a sl**. You a loser and nobody will want you.... You will always be a loser and will be on your own forever. You will never find someone like me'. I evidently responded with nothing but pure hatred, anger. He told me to die.

I am in shock. 2 days before he admits that the other woman wasn't worth it but I wouldn't trust him again. 2 days later out of no where I am bombarded with Abuse. He was totally toxic and vile and my self esteem has taken a beating. He was rubbing in my face that he will go from woman to woman yet I will never have no one. I have been tearful because of his abuse. He cheated yet I am a sl** who won't have anyone and I need to die? Through my tears I told him quite compassionately that he knows where I am if he ever wants to come off alcohol and informed him I was blocking him again. I have blocked him.

I can't go in like this. Silly me thought ok he is contacting me as him and gf split so he now realises my worth... I was wrong. It's been 18 months and surely the way I am feeling is not normal. How can I miss and perhaps love the alcoholic sbusive jerk he has become. He was violent to his gf as well (never me) but this must be a sign his alcoholism is progressing.

I am now on a mission to get that jerk out of my head and thoughts. I plan to do reiki (spiritual healing), yoga and meditation. I also plan to go to a healing shop.

I am believing what he is saying.... I will be alone forever and won't have anyone. I have been on my own for 18 months (briefly attempted a relationship but ended it) within that time. No one seems interested in me. He's an idiot!!!! I am sooo angry..... Shouldn't he want me to be happy with someone as he cheated and abused me. I hate my life ... 18 months and progress is too slow

firebolt

He is getting worse, and you are getting better. Clearly - he is hateful and vile 18 months later, and you are blocking him...AND breaking up with someone who isn't right for you. GREAT JOB! Keep at it - you'll get there. Don't you believe a word of his quacks.

MissFixit

I know you are hurting.

You have a choice to keep engaging him or not, your choice. You know who he is now, even though it is hard to admit. If you engage, you will get hurt. You know this now. So, why do you want to be hurt by him? What are you getting out of this?

Lifeishard

I am getting nothing out of it but pain. I suppose I wanted him to reach out to me. I have this idiotic vision that he will get sober and all will be ok. But reality is that is not going to happen. I am really fed up though. It's as though he wants me to be desperately unhappy and alone.... But why? What did I ever do to him? Maybe he is right .... I will be alone forever as it's me that's always alone and yet he has flocks of women around him. I suppose being in pubs and bars all the time he gets to meet people. I rarely go out as I have young children. I have tried internet dating and am repulsed by the crudity in messages I receive from men who initially come across as being healthy and decent. When am I going to get a chance of happiness?

For my own sanity I have vowed I will never read or respond to anything he sends., I am starting to think I have mental health issues as surely 18 months after our split I should not still be in pain.

MissFixit

That's called going to the hardware store for bread.

He isn't what you want him to be. Once you accept him for who and what he is, you wont get hurt by him so much. Until then, I'd keep my distance.