Bamawife

I am new here but after reading several threads, it seems as though the decision to "stay or leave" is referred to often. I know that for me, it is my decision whether I stay or not. Being new on this journey, I just want to get through each day. With that being said,at times I have been through he** and back with my AH. He served in Iraq with the army. He was a changed man when he came home. The only time I have ever considered leaving for good is when he has binged and I allowed abuse. That has not been my every day life by any means. Therefore, it somewhat offends me that some people seem to think that is a decision I should have already made. My AH is in detox and I really don't plan on leaving just because he has caused me to hurt. If we cannot continue to heal and move forward then I may consider leaving. That is a decision that should not be made hastily nor should I feel pressured to do so. I choose to be supportive of his recovery. That is my choice. I also have the choice to seek help for myself, and I have. Am I just being too optimistic because today I choose to support recovery on both counts????

airwick

He did a hell of a job for our country, I thank...and thank....and thank. NEVER ENDING

Raider

All these things are your choice. Good luck.

ladyscribbler

I am an Iraq veteran. That does change a person, and it's not something I've just bounced back from. I still have issues, and that is probably something I will be dealing with for the rest of my life. Sounds like your husband is finally making a healthy choice for himself. We all come home and have that "lost" feeling, like we are living a life apart.
Many people unfortunately choose alcohol or drugs to deal with those feelings, but there are other ways. There is nothing wrong with supporting him in his recovery, and you will only benefit from working your own recovery, whatever he may decide in the future.
Too many veterans come home and give up on life because of what they experienced during wartime. I am glad your husband is reaching for recovery right now. I think that our generation of veterans has a wealth of resources that was not available in the past.
I will be thinking of you both and hope all the best.

dandylion

Bamawife.....In your thread that was posted yesterday....I advocated for YOU.
You have been through a lot of abuse and trauma...esp. with the recent passing of your father and the care taking that went with it...followed by the crisis with your husband.
You, understandably described yourself as overwhelmed and at a loss of how to care for yourself....as well as the fear of what will happen when he comes home from rehab.

I suggested that you need care and support--return to alanon; counselor; begin to read co-dependent no more. AND...maybe consider that he go to sober living right after rehab---TO PROVIDE YOU MAXIMUM TIME TO CLEAR YOUR HEAD AND PREPARE FOR THAT FIRST YEAR OF SOBRIETY --WHICH IS ALMOST ALWAYS STRESSFUL AND ROCKY FOR ALL CONCERNED. Sober living is temporary and gives him the best chance to get his sea legs.

I did not suggest whether you "stay or leave". Based on my experience of the early recovery period....I am concerned with the best care for the both of you.
I am just trying to assist you in being realistic.

My comments are of genuine compassion and a desire to be supportive of you.

But, they are only my suggestions.

I absolutely urge you to take what is helpful (if anything) and leave the rest.

sincerely,
dandylion

Bamawife

Trust me, I truly appreciate your support. Like I said, I may be too sensitive right now. This thread is in no way aimed at you or anyone else. I just posted my thoughts. Please do not think I am upset or angry at you because I am most certainly not.

Bamawife

First of all, thank you for your service. My husband deployed in 2004 and came home in 2005. While deployed he was in a guard tower and when his duty was up and he was coming out of the tower, the top step broke and he fell. He suffered a TBI. He also has PTSD. "We" have been treated for the PTSD through the VA and they have been super. Now I just pray that he can kick recovery in the butt and be well.

ladyscribbler

It was my honor to serve. April 2006-April 2007, USAR.
Sorry to hear about the TBI on top of everything else. That is probably the biggest reason for the changes you see. My ex also suffered TBIs (due to IED explosion injuries), and adding alcohol to that makes for a very volatile mental situation. I am lucky to "only" be dealing with PTSD, and I was fortunate to get help early, while I was actually still deployed.
There is a series of books by Dr. Daniel Amen which deal with healing from TBI. There are brain exercises and nutrition information which can be beneficial for healing the brain (provided the sufferer is not continuing to damage it with alcohol) and improving cognitive/memory function.
For me personally, I deal with my PTSD by going to therapy, practicing meditation ( the VA clinic here offers a class on "mindfulness" which is a fancy way of saying meditation) yoga and regular exercise. I do still suffer acute episodes, but with practice, I have been able to get a better handle on those.
If you talk to your husband, tell him I said thanks for HIS pservice. All of us who came after owe a big debt to the men and women who were there before. The VA can be a tremendous resource if he reaches out. They are very proactive about treating both substance abuse and TBIs.

TerpGal

First, I thank your husband for his service to our country.

Second, you DO NOT need to make ANY decisions about the status of your marriage today, tomorrow, or any day until you feel ready to, and you have a clear picture of what you want to do. He probably has what? A monthish there for you to think on this, and even then you don't have to make any final decisions on the marriage until you are ready. All you really have to do right now is give yourself a break. Work on what you need to work on. In time, you will decide if you want to LIVE with him or not when he gets home.

I was very much like you, contemplating the "stay or go" question when my RAH was in treatment. I chose to stay and we are currently living together. He has only been home for 2 weeks though and I will not lie it has definitely NOT been easy. Some days I feel like I am worse off than he is. There are days where the very sight of him makes me want to scream, vomit, punch him in the face, or a combination of all 3. Some days are easier, but I am still at the bubbling over with anger stage

allforcnm

I don't think your being too sensitive... I recall when I first came here about 2.5 years ago.. I felt the pressure too.. I just had to throw it off me however and find my own answers. I came when my husband was just entering rehab... I stayed. In my case I have no regrets, my husband has been clean and sober ever since.. but we each have to make our own choice. Its not really helpful to do it in a pressurized environment so I think its good you posted as a gentle reminder. I hope things work out well for both of you.

NWGRITS

There's a bit of a knee-jerk reaction when one is being abused. No one deserves abuse under any circumstances. We are here for you, not him, so that's probably where someof the "get out of there" stuff came from. As dandylion mentioned, a sober-living facility would probably be best for him, given the circumstances. He has a TBI, PTSD, and is detoxing. He is going to be unstable for quite a long time. None of us here want to find out through the grapevine that he hauled off and killed you. No one is suggesting you leave for good right now, but his mental state is not conducive to maintaining a life under the same roof for while. Everything said is in YOUR best interest, because YOU come first in your own life.

Bamawife

Thanks again for all of the support. Today seems to be a better day for me mentally. It may sound weird, but, although I seem to be thinking more clearly, I have a touch of anger towards my AH today. I understand this is normal.

dandylion

Bamawife...I think it is very normal. It is not unusual...that once a person get to relax a bit, feelings that had been previously denied or stuffed come rolling out.....

I'm glad that you are feeling a bit better. A night's sleep doesn't hurt....LOL.
dandylion

hopeful4

Hi Bamawife. Certainly I agree with you. Your decisions to stay or go need to come from a place you are comfortable with. I will say what many have said, I truly thank anyone who has served for their service. That is a slippery slope b/c the trauma has to be huge.

I understand today being a better day. They are up and down, I totally get that.

No matter what decisions you make, I hope you take good care of you. Please protect yourself and keep coming back, we support you no matter what decisions come, or don't come, in your future. Life is sometimes just a moment at a time.

I am hoping that things will change for him in rehab. Is it a dual diagnosis facility by chance? I am hoping so!

Bamawife

Right now he is on day 8 of detox. I do not know which facility he is being transferred to from there. I am doubtful it will be for any treatment other than his alcoholism.

lillamy

I have yet to meet the wife/husband of an alcoholic who is "too sensitive" -- but most of us think we are, because our alcoholic spouses seem to tell us that quite often.

I'm not going to tell you to leave, or to stay. It's up to each one of us what choices we make. I chose to stay for 20 years, and then I chose to leave. During those 20 years, there wasn't a single person who could convince me that leaving was the right thing to do. I had to get there in my head first.

I had this discussion with an elderly friend whose husband is not an alcoholic, but he had a stroke and turned from the sweetest man alive to a junk yard dog mean SOB. He doesn't want to be, and when he realizes he is, he cries. He wants to get help. He's taking all the help he can get (which frankly isn't much).

But I think somewhere there, the rubber hit the road for me. My ex was very much aware both of his mental illness and of his alcoholism. He simply chose to not seek help and not accept any kind of treatment because he felt it was beneath him. For me, that was important -- that he didn't want help.

That's the one thing. But the other thing is -- if he had treated me and the kids the way he did because of an inoperable brain tumor or something, it would still have been unhealthy for me to stay. The reasons for his abuse, while understandable, didn't really matter when there was still abuse going on.

NYCDoglvr

My therapist said that while we all have faults, it depends on which faults you can live with and which you can't. But we should expect to be treated with basic respect in all relationships.

Bamawife

I totally agree with that!!